Chedderfield
“Don’t worry. As a bonus service, I can make sure to distract Stephanie before she says anything that’ll get you killed,” Chedderfield joked as he counted his share of the loot while walking back to the breach to rejoin the rest of the army.
“Wha . . . What do you mean?” Archimedes gave a nervous laugh, belying the fact he knew what Chedderfield meant.
“If you need to hide, she suggests a good swamp,” Chip translated for the crocodile. “She says there is a good spot in the aquarium base where no one will ever find you.”
“Any chance I can borrow that spot too? Just in case Danielle decides to be angry at me?” Chedderfield asked. “Or is it just a lizard-lover's benefit?”
The otters began talking, chatting with Chip, before he finally began to translate. “No, it would be offered quid pro quo. They say they want their share of the cards as well and that your collection ability is unbefitting of such a great and magnanimous leader.”
“Did they really say ‘magnanimous’?” Chedderfield had a little bit of a hard time believing anyone would label Archimedes as such.
“After some consulting, I chose to paraphrase the compliments since ‘he of slick-coated fur and oily hair’ didn’t seem like it would convey the same meaning,” Chip replied.
“Ey! Don’t be rushing the boss here! He’s workin’ already!” the raccoon piloting the mech nearest to them remarked.
“Guys, you know everyone is going to get a fair share of the spoils when we get back to the base, right? We’re not the only ones who fought. We need to split things evenly with those on the wall, the ones whose support helped us stay safe down here.”
“Whatever,” the raccoon said. “Why’s he got the cards, and we don’t then?”
“Because I’m that much more handsome than ‘yous guys.’” Chedderfield said the last two words in the worst Jersey accent imaginable, but the raccoon only seemed to be pleased with the impression as it smiled in response before laughing.
The familiar “Oi!” of an Aussie assaulted them next as the dark-skinned Asim walked out of the breach holding a six-pack of beer, breaking a couple off and tossing one to each fellow human, “Good on ya, mates, for holdin’ on till we got here. It was flat out, but now that we are here, let’s put on some bangers, relax, and enjoy the good ol’ morning sun.”
“Now that you’re here, ey?” Chedderfield snickered. “You’re not going to try and treat this like a round two, are you? Don’t tell me you’re only here because you’re still salty about losing our bet at the zoo, are you?”
“What? No, that couldn’t be true, bro. There is no way they’d be so petty as to only show up because they were upset over a bet,” Archimedes said, but his words were met with a twitch of the eye from Asim as if Chedderfield had hit the nail on the head.
“So how goes the murder business?” Asim asked, shifting the topic altogether.
Archimedes shrugged. “It goes. Been enjoying the profits my bro and I have been making across the city. Lots of clients. Heck, just this morning, an endless wave of potential customers came knocking on our door. Isn’t that right, bro?”
“Exactly that, hermano,” Chedderfield said. “You wouldn’t believe how eager some of them were. Jumping over the walls to get at our stash, but no worries there. We managed to get them in line and force them to try the front door like civilized adults.” Chedderfield paused as they reached the breach, gesturing for Asim to go ahead. “Guests first.”
The cheerful attitude as they joked quickly faded when they made it into the base. Lucy immediately tackled Archimedes with a running hug before turning to look at Stephanie, who was right behind them.
Stephanie sniffled, and Chedderfield could see that she was holding back tears as she looked Archimedes up and down, her hand reaching out and touching him softly. “I thought you were dead,” she said, her voice breaking on the last word.
“Sorry I didn’t call. But you know how apocalypses can be. I had to find some way to come back from an alien world while also accidentally bringing a major alien threat with me,” Archimedes said with a shrug and a smile that seemed to melt Stephanie with its charm. “Speaking of which, I want to introduce you to my new friends.” He pointed to the lizard people and Chip. “That’s Hot Sauce, Sharpfang, Brightscales, and Redeye, and the little guy is Chip, their translator.”
Chip had been steadily translating everything Archimedes had been saying, and the sirrušu hissed and chirped responses as Archimedes introduced them. Chip translated, “They say that it is good to meet another warrior consort of Archimedes.”
Chedderfield nearly choked on his laughter at the innocent statement, and Arc’s eyes widened like he’d just seen the oncoming traffic.
“First, bathing with lizard ladies, and now you have a side chick?” Lucy said with a hiss that the sirrušu almost seemed to recognize as a word.
Stephanie turned at the question, her cheeks going red. “It’s not like that.”
“Oh, good stuff here. I’m putting two cards on the skinny blonde,” one of the rugby players said quietly to one of his teammates.
“Nah, blue berserker there for three cards for me,” Isla, the six-foot-tall Australian, said with a shake of her head. “I’ve seen her fight before,”
“What? You’re not going to join the fray over that idiot too?” Chedderfield asked Nguyen, who had come up to the group with Danielle. He had been growing more and more suspicious of Nguyen’s motives, so he had to ask her as he watched the two girls about to brawl it out.
“The key to being a good sniper is knowing how to wait for the perfect shot,” Nguyen mumbled as she activated some skill that caused her to practically vanish into her surroundings.
“Well, five cards on our girl blue then,” Chedderfield said to one of the soldiers holding up their hands to take bets.
Before things could devolve further though—or the bookie could take Chedderfield’s cards—Colonel Hooker and Sergeant Maryland pushed their way into the center of the crowd, their faces set in grim determination. Blood seeped through the bandages on both their arms, the red stains a stark contrast to their fatigues, and Chedderfield noticed the slashes and burn marks in their uniforms, evidence of the battle they had just fought. Colonel Hooker took in his surroundings at a glance, his gaze lingering on Archimedes and Lucy, acknowledging the tension there with a slightly raised eyebrow before he turned his attention to the full group. “Thank you all for responding to our call for aid. If it weren’t for you, we’d have lost this fight with those hell-cursed bastards.”
The thanks didn’t seem to do much more than quiet everyone as they stared at Archimedes in anticipation.
“I think they want the cards, hermano,” Chedderfield said.
“Oh, right.” Archimedes, who seemed glad for the excuse to get away from the annoyed-looking Lucy, took to the center of the group. “We thank you all for coming to our aid. I am quite positive that if even one of you hadn’t shown up, I wouldn’t be alive here to hand out any of the rewards, so you have my deepest thanks. Unfortunately, I cannot divide these out to every individual evenly, so please send a representative from each group to come collect your share at your convenience. I’ll make sure you each get your fair cut of the battle spoils.”
“What? That’s it?” Chedderfield looked over at his friend. “No big speech?”
“Nah, you do the speech stuff this time,” Archimedes replied, patting his friend on the shoulder before turning to the group. “And here’s my good friend Chedderfield, who wanted to share with you some heartfelt words in honor of you all coming here. He was very touched by everyone showing up to help us out.”
Chedderfield felt his face heat up as all eyes turned toward him. “Uh . . . fourscore and seven hours ago, we asked not what we could do for others, but what others could do for us . . . and then I had a dream?” The words seemed to tumble out of his mouth without thought as he panicked and tried to steal from every good speech he’d ever seen in a movie. The effect was less than what he’d hoped as confused expressions appeared on everyone’s faces. “Uh, never mind. Good job, everyone. I gotta go see about a girl.” Then he turned and walked towards Danielle who looked more confused than anyone else.
“So does this mean that the job’s over?” Asim asked from the Australian group.
“Are you seriously asking that? Did you not look over the walls? Don’t expect me to try counting, but if I had to guess, there were a hundred thousand this morning, and I wouldn’t be surprised if there were still 95,000 hell-cursed out there. Why would you think this is over?”
“Well, that’s just 95,000 more cards,” Asim stated nonchalantly. “We can do that. No problem, right?”
“I think the more dire subject that needs to be discussed is what we’re going to do with the army coming from the north. Even holding one direction was rather difficult,” Stephanie said. “As Nguyen informed me, they aren’t more than an hour away at most. When they reach us, they may just choose to give up all pretenses and rush us in a single mob.”
“Isn’t that what they were already doing?” Chedderfield asked, everyone quieting as they turned to focus on the answer Stephanie was about to give.
“No,” Stephanie said, shaking her head. “I know you were on the ground floor, so it must have been difficult to see, but what we were just hit by was likely nothing more than the opening salvo of the siege. They were likely trying to test our defenses more than break them, finding the weak points in our walls and feeling out how we will react before committing their larger force.”
“So we’re fucked?” Chedderfield didn’t mean to say that and regretted it immediately when he saw that his words matched the expressions on everyone’s faces.
“Well, there is that portal, right?” Clark from the college group asked. “Can’t we all just escape?”
“That would mean giving up this nuclear plant to the enemy, and that is not an option,” Colonel Hooker answered. “These creatures have been a pain in the rear admiral since they landed, and we will not allow them to take over this plant and do who knows what with it. Even if they just destroyed it, the fallout would contaminate everything in a fifty-mile radius. Unless you plan on fleeing the state, you’ll be just as dead going through that portal as you would be fighting here to save it.”
A case of content theft: this narrative is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.
“Which means anyone in any major city that survived all of this apocalypse stuff would be screwed. That might mean hundreds of thousands of survivors,” Stephanie said with a shake of her head.
“It might also give the hell-cursed the perfect place to build their empire. I mean, a place they can build without ever worrying about being attacked by any more people since anyone who isn’t immune to radiation wouldn’t even be able to get near it,” Colonel Hooker suggested.
“And they’d have all the bodies they could ever need to create more hell-cursed,” Sgt. Maryland added matter-of-factly, piling on the pressure.
The different groups began to process the bombshells that Stephanie and the colonel had dropped, whispering and muttering back and forth as they did. The room had gone from looking like a victory party to looking like a funeral—their funeral—and Chedderfield knew from the way Archimedes would do things that someone needed to act. Someone needed to stop this, but as he turned to find Archimedes, only empty space remained.
Are you . . . Are you fucking kidding me? Did you seriously ditch me here? Chedderfield felt a little anger at the perceived betrayal, but as the noise from the group's chattering continued, he realized he didn’t have time to go hunt down the Benedict Arnold. “Alright, let’s not get too dramatic here. We need to think this through carefully. The options are clear: fight them head on with overwhelming force or try something smarter,” Chedderfield said. “I’m sure with everyone here, all of us having plenty of experience fighting against overwhelming odds, that we can come up with a way to handle this. We’re the best of the best, after all. We’re the survivors.”
Immediately following that statement, the hushed dialogue within the groups erupted into a more open forum as they started debating with each other on how to handle the situation. The teams began to argue passionately about the best way to defeat the hell-cursed army surrounding their base. The college kids suggested using guerrilla tactics similar to the ones they had used when sneaking through the campus while the Australian team proposed further fortifying the walls and defenses and using the numbers of hell-cursed against them. The sirrušu wanted a full-on assault while the Soda-Pop Pope thought they should be defending rather than attacking at all, wanting to build traps and continuously lure the enemy into more and more vulnerable positions once they were actually within the base. Each of them had different ideas and opinions, but none seemed sure of themselves or their plans.
“Wait, where the fuck did blondie go?” Lucy asked, causing Stephanie’s face to contort in confusion.
“I’m right here?” Stephanie replied.
“No, not you. The tall caveman you damn women won’t stop eyeing,” Lucy said. “Where did he go?”
“He’s with me,” Nguyen answered, stepping forward with Archimedes beside her as she reappeared. “We were on the walls scouting the enemy movements, strategizing for the next battle.”
“Oh, is that what we’re calling it now?” Lucy asked with a roll of her eyes.
“That is exactly what happened.” Archimedes brushed off the obvious euphemism, but didn’t fail to shoot an angry look at Lucy for making the joke. “And while what I’m about to tell you may sound like bad news, it’s not.
“Well don’t spend so long putting lipstick on the pig. What’s the deal? How ugly is it?” Sergeant Maryland asked.
“It’s going to be pretty ugly,” Archimedes replied. “There is a hell-cursed general, one with a strength and power that we have never seen before. He is flanked by at least two commanders and surrounded by a dozen more incredibly evolved brutes.”
“And how is that not just bad news? You’re telling us this army has a super boss, and yet it’s a good thing?” Danielle asked.
“I am,” Archimedes said, “because it means that, if we can reach that boss and kill him, then we can break their organization, their ranks, and stop this assault in its tracks. Now that we know where the snake’s head is, all we have to do is cut it off.”
“Ah, right, and I’m sure you Yanks have a big enough gun to do that without a problem,” one of the rugby players, Chris, laughed. “You mind letting me borrow that confidence sometime? I was going to try my luck with Scarlett Johanson if she’s still alive.”
“Well, we might not have a gun big enough for it,” Archimedes replied, “but we have something just as good: a distraction. Right now, there are three armies approaching the hell-cursed location. There is a group of d’vixians, a swarm of insectoid chimeras, and a very large group of well-organized, well-equipped humans with numbers to rival our own.”
“D’vixians? Insectoid chimeras? Are they here to scavenge again, picking up the scraps from our leftovers?” one of the soldiers said, clear animosity in his tone. “We’re fighting to stay alive, and those bastards are just fighting to see who gets to eat us last.”
“Knowing them, and knowing their relation with the hell-cursed, I think it’s much more likely that they’re actually here to make sure the Demonic Faction doesn’t get any stronger. They’re just as likely to be killed off by hell-cursed as we are.”
“And how would you know that? Are you some sort of planet-hopping alien-invasion expert, mate?” Isla asked, scoffing.
Archimedes looked at her and answered without a change in expression, “Yes.”
“What about the humans? Who are they? Did we get reinforcements from one of your dozen gun-toting military branches?” Isla pressed further.
“It’s Brad and his holy horde of heroes and heroines,” Chedderfield said alliteratively and very sarcastically.
“And that’s the good news then,” Archimedes said. “Because while we don’t have a plan to handle their boss now, at least there will be an opportunity. The horde of hell-cursed reforming and preparing to crush us will likely not let Brad’s minio— militia enter our base. If I were the hell-cursed leader, I’d view an enemy detachment trying to reinforce a fortification as a perfect opportunity to crush both the fortification and the reinforcements.”
“So what are you saying?” Chedderfield asked, not seeing how the hell-cursed cutting Brad off from being able to help them was a good thing. “We just leave him out there?”
“No, we use that timing. They’re going to commit the majority of their troops to that battle, and we’re going to bet on their leader not taking the front lines. If they’re focused on us, and he stays in the back like he seems very fond of doing, then that’ll give us a chance to strike him while his forces are busy trying to butcher Brad’s men.”
“You can’t be serious,” Stephanie objected. “If they’re going to try to kill Brad’s people in the open, then shouldn’t we be devising a plan to save them?”
“Yeah, I know Brad’s a jerk, but you can’t honestly be thinking of sacrificing him and his people as a diversion,” Lucy joined in, surprisingly taking Stephanie’s side.
Chedderfield was struck by the thought of all the people who might be caught unawares and potentially not make it out alive. Part of him felt a tug in his gut to take matters into his own hands and come up with a better plan, but he didn't think there was one. He had known Archimedes long enough to know that he wouldn't recommend this course of action if he wasn't sure it would save the most lives. Still, he had a hard time bringing himself to put so many people in danger—even though he despised Brad. But what other choice did they have?
“No one said ‘sacrifice.’ Though I wouldn’t mind it if there were fewer d’vixians and insectoids on our world. Brad’s already out there, and he’s going to run into this army anyway. We’re just taking advantage of the timing,” Chedderfield argued, taking his friend's side and trusting Archimedes’ intentions.
“No, we have to do something to help him,” Asim insisted. “Cult crazy or not, those are still people.”
“Help him? He can die and burn in hell for all I care,” Nguyen snapped venomously.
“Well, I’m sending him a runner to tell him about our plan. That way, he at least knows what he’s supposed to do,” Stephanie argued.
“What is he ‘supposed to do’? Fuck him. He’s supposed to die,” Nguyen huffed.
“We’re not abandoning anyone Stephanie,” Archimedes said. “We’re not sending out the whole army to cut off the head of this leviathan at our doorstep. We’re just sending a few people. The rest of you all will be in charge of trying to make sure not one of Brad’s Bastards dies.”
“Nguyen, he might be a bastard, but his people aren’t. They genuinely believe he’s their savior, and we need to make sure they don’t die for his bullshit because we both know if even one person from his group lives at the end of that fight, it’s going to be him. Not them,” Chedderfield said, trying to reason with her.
“Well, don’t we get a say in this?” Stephanie asked, hands on hips.
“You can do what you want,” Chedderfield replied. “No one’s going to force you to do anything. But I’m following Arch into the mouth of hell, and we’re going to go beat the ever-living fuck out of a zombie general.”
“So you’re coming with me?” Archimedes asked. “You don’t have to, you know.”
At this point, Chip, who had mostly just been translating as fast as he could, raised his hand and interrupted. “The sirrušu said they are not going to take part in this plan of yours unless conditions are met.”
“What conditions?” Chedderfield asked.
“They want to also be part of this ‘zombie general’ fight, and ‘beat the ever-living fuck’ out of said zombie general. They insist on being there to cut his head off as well,” Chip said. “Those generals massacred their people. The endless waves destroyed their homes and overran their populace. They want a chance to redeem themselves and kill at least one of them before their deaths.”
“Fine, then it’s me, Archimedes, and the sirrušu. I don’t think anyone else is mobile enough to join us anyway,” Chedderfield replied, immediately agreeing to the terms.
“And you just expect me to wait here? If Arc is going, I’m going too,” Lucy insisted, only to have Archimedes shake his head.
“No, Chedderfield is right. You’re not fast enough. We need to kill that general and get out of there before the entire swarm of undead monstrosities realizes what we’ve done and tries to kill us,” Archimedes said. “You don’t even have a skill to get over them.”
“What about your Leap Rush? Isn’t that how he’s coming?” Lucy pointed at Chedderfield.
“Yeah, but that spot’s already taken. I called shotgun, Luce,” Chedderfield explained, nearly sticking his tongue out as he did, only stopping when he could tell Lucy might explode if provoked even a bit more.
“This isn’t fucking fair!” Lucy yelled, storming out of the courtyard and into the communications room, slamming the door behind her.
Archimedes turned to Chedderfield. “Can you . . .”
“Yeah, I can handle it,” Chedderfield said, before turning back to the group. “So, everyone clear on the plan? We’re going to go kill the general while you all focus on saving Brad’s people. Any questions? Any issues?”
“If you guys are leading the away team, who is in charge of the home team? We just gonna follow Mr. Stars and Stripes?” one of the Australians asked.
“Uhhh . . . she’s got it,” Chedderfield answered, pointing to Stephanie. “She’ll organize the rescue of Brad’s bastards. You can do that, right?”
“Yeah, I can take it from here,” Stephanie said and then turned immediately to Robin. “Alright, start gathering intel. We need to know every inch of this terrain if we’re going to have any hope of stopping the hell-cursed from just washing over Brad’s people.”
“On it,” Robin replied.
“If you want to spend some time with Danielle, then you better go now,” Nguyen whispered to Chedderfield. “You’ve only got fifteen, maybe twenty minutes. I’m going to head off myself too, so in case I don’t see you again, it was nice knowing you, cheese boy.”
“Don’t see me again? Where are you off to?”
“I’m gonna go make sure Lucy doesn’t kill Archimedes before the battle even starts,” Nguyen said with a laugh as she gripped her gun tightly like she was marching off to her death. Then she started toward the communications hub.
Chedderfield couldn’t help but feel bad for her, knowing the situation she was in, but he didn’t have time to worry about it. Nguyen was right. He needed to spend time with Danielle while he still had the chance.
“What the hell? Did they just forget about me?” Emma grumbled as she looked over at Chip, who assured her immediately that wasn’t the case.
“Of course not, great daughter of the warrior king. No one could forget about you. They just didn’t want to drag you into the political turmoil that often follows battles if a tragedy occurs, young one,” Chip assured her. “But, for now, you should join the sirrušu and indoctrinate yourself in the great house of your father: Slyzerin.”
“Yeah, you go do that,” Chedderfield, who hadn’t meant to eavesdrop on the short conversation, told Emma before turning to Danielle. “Shall we?”
“Wanna go make our own?” Danielle asked as the two watched Emma leave with the lizardwomen.
“Don’t put that on me. I don’t even know if I’m going to be alive in a few hours,” Chedderfield answered.
“Well, what do you want to do, Mr. Fifteen Minutes Left?” she asked.
“Find a quiet place, stare at the sky, and pretend the army on the ground doesn’t exist?”
“Sounds good,” she easily agreed, snuggling against him as the two of them walked to the quietest place in the base they could find: the wall.