Chedderfield
Chedderfield saw his two friends land roughly in the middle of the Theater of Pop, Archimedes cushioning Nguyen's fall with his body as they hit the floor with a heavy thud. Chedderfield had jumped off the roof of a one-story building in the past, before he was system enhanced, and had nearly broken his legs. He could only hope that Archimedes’ high constitution or system bonuses meant that he would be okay as he and the others rushed to help the two.
“How come you don’t use your shield skill?” Danielle asked as Nguyen climbed off the dazed and injured Archimedes. “Is the cooldown too long or something?”
“Oh . . .” Nguyen looked innocently from side to side as if she’d been caught doing something she shouldn’t have. “I . . . I don’t know when a sure death mechanism is going to activate.”
“Like a spike-trap wall?” Archimedes, who had totally forgotten that Nguyen had the one-time damage-absorbing shield skill card, had to ask. He had taken hit after hit trying to keep her alive, only to remember that at least one of those hits could have been completely negated. “Or a fall from like twenty feet in the air onto a solid, barely carpeted concrete theater floor? Or maybe the potential knife to the face we almost took from that weird green disc mascot?”
“Well . . . I just . . . I was caught off guard, okay? You have to think to activate the shield, and the spike trap totally came out of nowhere. Stop looking at me like I was just going to let you die. Didn’t I give you my heal?”
“Oh, right, this,” Archimedes replied as he tapped the air. A silver-rank card appeared, and he handed it to Nguyen. “Thanks for that. But you still could have used the shield so I didn’t nearly die in the first place.”
“Give her a break. Not everyone is used to being in the thick of battle,” Emma said. “It’s a lot different using a skill when you’re planning it out in your head or expecting to need it versus having to use it quickly because you’re about to die from something totally unexpected.”
“So, now that we’re together, where to next?” Chedderfield asked as he butted into the conversation.
“Uh, I hadn’t really thought much past getting Archimedes and Nguyen down,” Lucy said as she scratched the top of her head.
Nguyen tapped her chin, pursed her lips, and then said, “This place isn’t that big. There’s the History of Soda, Taste of the World. Down below, there’s the Mascot of Soda Show and The Factory of Tomorrow.”
“So do we want to face more murderous mascots? Or face whatever these racoon bastards have trapped in the factory?” Lucy asked.
“Factory. It makes sense that they’d be there. It’s the best place to find parts for all these traps and things they’re making,” Danielle answered.
Emma raised her hand to get everyone’s attention. “Can I vote for the Taste of the World? I could go for a soda. It’s been days and days of gross aquarium water that I know is purified—but I don’t trust how purified it actually is. What if that fish poop isn’t counted as an unhealthy contaminant and doesn’t get filtered out with the skill?”
“Then it’s just extra flavoring,” Archimedes laughed.
“Yuck. No, thank you. Give me that sweet, sweet diabetes juice,” Chedderfield chuckled. “If I purify it, would it turn into a pile of sugar or a glass of water?”
“No, young philosopher, the soda is already at peak purity as it was meant to be,” Archimedes answered.
“I bet you that sugar is important for high-energy work like monster killing,” Danielle posited.
“Yeah, it’s important. Even Doctor McBoobie said so,” Emma quickly agreed.
Lucy looked over at Emma and shook her head. “Doctor McBoobie? Do better. Just do better.”
“What?! It wasn’t that . . . Fine. Whatever,” Emma responded with a frown as they passed through the history section of the museum.
It was a section dedicated to the sugary drink that was at least partially responsible for America’s obesity epidemic: soda. Every inch of the walls, floor, and even ceiling had branding from every type of the drink in every age since its invention. There was even a wall of history about the drink starting with the invention of the machine that made carbonated water in the 18th century as a cure for a number of illnesses. The timeline that spanned the far wall marked every notable improvement to the products, like the special long-necked glass bottle with a special top that prevented drinks from going flat or soda fountains and the invention of new flavors.
Chedderfield saw Danielle reading each detail of this timeline. With a shake of her head, she commented, “Real convenient that the history wall avoided any mention of the fact that early sodas had a variety of additives like cocaine, mercury, and benzene.”
“Oh, I love old 80s stuff. It’s so retro,” Emma said as she ran ahead toward an area where a variety of displays shifted the focus of ancient soda history to its heyday in advertising with sections for the 50s, 60s, 70s, and 80s. The sheer amount of branded gear was stunning and while Chedderfield had expected paintings, t-shirts, pins, books, and commercials, he never knew that there were such things as branded couch cushions, wallpaper, and ceiling lights. There were even fully produced albums in every decade, some recorded by very famous singers.
Just past the history section was the Taste of the World area. There were over a dozen tall soda fountains with hundreds of options with every flavor of soda from around the world. Though it didn’t look like it worked anymore, Emma ran to the nearest, and as she got close, the machine lit up like she was going to help it fulfill its purpose in the world.
“Oh, look. They have bacon-flavored soda here!”
“Eww. That sounds disgusting,” Lucy said.
“What bacon-bashing is this? I thought you loved bacon,” Chedderfield replied.
“I love eating bacon. Not drinking it,” Lucy explained. She turned to another soda fountain, and her eyes lit up. She walked toward the machine. “But I’ll take a sip of this Peruvian Orange-Lime stuff.”
Danielle went to try the bubblegum-flavored soda, and Nguyen just looked annoyed at the stop off. Archimedes was already downing some curry-flavored soda he called “Indian-flavored pop” when movement at the far end of the room caught Chedderfield’s eye and he turned to see five racoons and a hamster walk into the room. The foot-tall hamster wore a tall pointed hat made from a cardboard soda box. Behind him were three raccoons holding small laser guns and two in humanoid mech suits that were seven feet tall with small rockets and futuristic guns mounted on their shoulders.
The hamster made a series of purring, squeaking, and chirping sounds. As Chedderfield prepared for battle, expecting to have already been attacked given how the raccoons had taken a potshot at him outside of the aquarium earlier in the day, the hamster raised its hand and silenced the raccoons who were squeaking at each other in soft but high-pitched voices.
“What is going on?” Chedderfield asked as he watched the strange ritual. The two giant mech-suit raccoons walked in front of the rest of the group and then, using their feet, tore a sort of semicircle into the ground behind them before holding up two fingers and gesturing toward Chedderfield’s side while also making a bunch of hissing raccoon noises.
“Archimedes, can you understand what that thing is saying?” Chedderfield asked.
“Why would you just assume I can understand raccoon?” Archimedes scoffed.
“‘Cause you both love dumpster diving?” Chedderfield answered with a smirk.
“Chedderfield, jokes are like condoms: Don’t use them twice,” Lucy shot back.
“What? Fine. I thought it was funny. I’m just . . . Look, he’s always talking to one little rodent in a weird language. Sorry if I assumed he could talk to another one.”
“Chip is not a rodent,” Archimedes shot back defensively.
Nguyen rolled her eyes. “Yeah, and there is no way he understands whatever that raccoon is saying, so just—”
Archimedes shrugged. “No, I kind of get what it’s saying. I just . . . I mean, it’s clearly wanting to have a two-on-two throwdown between us and the massive robots, right?”
“Are you sure it’s not telling us to surrender?” Danielle asked.
“I . . . Damnit.” Archimedes tilted his head as he listened to the hamster repeat the series of sounds it had made and answered, “I’m positive, okay. It wants to have an honorable fight.”
“So you know what it’s saying?” Chedderfield felt a little vindicated concerning his earlier assumption.
“No, I just, I know how to feel these situations out by now. Go a month without using English at all practically, and you’ll see what I mean.”
“You did say you had that system bonus too, some language assistance skill you got for being the first human to travel to a foreign planet since the start of the apocalypse,” Lucy said. “Isn’t that how you make all those weird lizard hoots and whatnot?”
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“Yes, I do. But we don’t have long. We need to pick two champions for battle, and I’m guessing we need to draw a line behind us too. I don’t know what the rules are, but I’m assuming that if we get knocked behind the circle we’re drawing, it’s probably a loss.”
“Then let’s do it!” Lucy said excitedly. “Mano a Roboto! We got this!”
“As much as I think you’d do fine, let me and Chedderfield take the fight. With how hard those things might hit, I don’t want to risk you getting killed.”
“You can’t just—” Lucy began to argue, but Archimedes ignored her as he interrupted her complaint with a kiss.
“Do I get a kiss too if I protest?” Danielle asked with a laugh at Chedderfield.
“You get one when I win,” Chedderfield said, equipping his macuahuitl as he prepared for the fight ahead of them.
“Cheapskate. Learn to pay upfront,” Danielle snickered.
As soon as Archimedes and Chedderfield had stepped forward, Chedderfield used his weapon to draw a line in the ground behind them too, sectioning off the ring.
“So what’s the plan, hermano?” Chedderfield asked. “There must have been some reason you wanted me instead of Lucy, right? You got a skill combination in mind, don’t you? Ring of Purity and the turret might not work since they’re not hell-cursed, so what’s the combo?”
“What?” Archimedes looked over at his friend with a puzzled look on his face. “What do you mean, skill combo? I’ll take the one on the left. You take the one on the right. No reason to overthink it, is there?”
Chedderfield felt like his jaw was going to drop. “Then why were you so insistent—”
“Like I said, I just thought you could take a hit better,” Archimedes told him while handing him a stim pack.
“I hate you sometimes,” Chedderfield laughed as took the stim pack and readied his macuahuitl, preparing for combat.
“You two are hopeless. How did you fight together all morning and not pick up a combo? Arc, slot in Fire Breath and use Lucy’s No Brainer. And Chedderfield, switch over to Bisect and Acid Breath. With your stats, you guys have room for two skills each, right? Use those,” Nguyen advised from behind them.
“What? He’s already rejected my help for the duel. I’m not givi—”
“It’s just one duel,” Nguyen stressed.
“Fine,” Lucy grumbled as she tossed Archimedes her No Brainer skill.
Chedderfield thought about the advice and agreed it was a sound strategy. In the confines of the dueling circle, his movement skill would be useless, and he suspected his other skill, Extra Stiff, wouldn’t be much use against the mechanical nature of the mech suits. He slotted the two skills in and held the macuahuitl in his left hand and the stim pack Arc had given him in his left, ready to inject it when the fight started.
Chedderfield wasn’t actually sure how the fight would start if the racoons and the hamster couldn’t readily communicate with their group. But his concerns were for naught. The two racoons in the mechs stepped forward, and a ringing boxing bell sound came out from their suits.
“It’s time to rummmmble!” one of the mecha suits, painted red and white, said through a speaker embedded in its chassis.
“EXTERMINATE!” the other mecha suit—which was painted blue—said from its speaker in a tinny robot voice as the two suits raised their arms and fired the gatling-style weapons mounted there, the barrels spinning as they shot out a rapid-fire barrage of lasers.
Chedderfield didn’t have time or room to dodge, so instead, he jammed the stim pack into his thigh and pushed down on the plunger. The world slowed down as the chemicals kicked in. Chedderfield watched the lasers streak toward him, not frozen but slow enough that he could shift his grip on his macuahuitl so that the blade faced downward, and the weapon was turned flat side facing out. The lasers that hit his blade made a staccato sound. Between his impromptu shield and his samurai armor, Chedderfield took the barrage of lasers with minimal damage.
“Hey! No fair!” Emma cried out from behind the circle as she dodged behind a pillar to avoid the splash of lasers.
Archimedes threw himself to the side and while avoiding most of the laser fire, he was hit by a shot from the red and white mech.
The gatling lasers suddenly ceased fire, and Chedderfield peered from behind his weapon to find the shoulder-mounted guns had grown red from overheating.
Without hesitation, he launched himself toward the red-and-white-painted mech. Acid Breath spewed from his mouth as he ran, sending a cone of acidic bile that sizzled against the metal armor of the mech. The raccoon pilot inside winced as its plexiglass face guard was splattered with acid. As Chedderfield closed the last few feet of ground between them, his macuahuitl swept in for a side chop. The sharpened teeth that lined the edge of the paddle-shaped weapon tore into the metal armor of the mech, sending sparks and twisted metal flying as it passed by, though a few of its teeth were snapped or torn off in the process.
Before Chedderfield could follow up with another attack, a metal arm shot out with lightning speed, striking him in the chest and sending him flying backward. His back slammed against the concrete floor with a thud, but he quickly reacted and managed to turn his fall into a roll, jumping back up to his feet.
The enemy machine had a gash on its side, and its paint was slightly scorched from Chedderfield's Acid Breath, but it seemed unfazed. Its intimidating laser gatling gun spun back up and began firing again. Chedderfield dove to the right, taking a page out of Archimedes' book since he figured out that these machines had slow target-acquisition systems.
“Chedderfield! You got this! Run toward Arc’s opponent!” Nguyen advised. Chedderfield, who had been busy just trying to not take a laser to the face as he tangled with his foe, gritted his teeth and took the order, trusting in Nguyen.
“Arc! No Brainer!” Nguyen called from the sidelines. Even as the rockets poured out of the shoulder launchers on the mech he was fighting, Archimedes followed the instruction perfectly, turning, holding out his hand, palm out, and shouting, “STOP!” A dark cone of energy shot from his palm, washing over the blue, red, and white mech.
“Quick! It’s stunned! Use Bisect!” Nguyen called out, but Chedderfield was already on it the second Arc used No Brainer. Even though the machine was still functioning just fine, its left jet pushing it in a strafing motion, the pilot had been stunned, leaving its trajectory locked as it glided straight toward Chedderfield, with the hamster behind calling out furiously as he waved his tiny hands in the air, making hand symbols to go with every word he squeaked.
“Got you!” Chedderfield yelled in victory as he activated Bisect and chopped at the mech. His blade hummed as it cut through the air, aiming for the joint connecting the mech to its pilot. But before it could land, a rocket slammed into Chedderfield from the side, sending him flying. The massive force of the blast sent the mech teetering backward, and Chedderfield's attack ended up slicing above the pilot cage instead of hitting it dead center. The mech was pulled apart, its shoulder launchers and right arm cleanly sheared off.
Chedderfield came down from the rocket attack, his back burning as he hit the ground.
“That damn hamster is reading my moves,” Nguyen grumbled from the sidelines.
Chedderfield gritted his teeth, and with a grunt, he lifted himself from the floor. He brandished his weapon, desperately attempting to dodge the incoming barrage of small-yield rockets from the red and white mech. With a skillful spin, he managed to avoid most of the explosive fire. But one of them connected with his arm, and he bit back a cry as he felt the impact reverberate through his body, threatening to shake the weapon he held tightly out of his grasp.
“Damnit!” Chedderfield cursed as he threw his macuahuitl like an ax. Despite Chedderfield’s strength, the Aztec sword-club seemed to fly at a snail’s pace as it spun through the air, but it did what Chedderfield wanted: it stalled the mech’s attack. The mech stopped firing its missiles to activate its jet thrusters to dodge the attack by strafing to Chedderfield’s right.
“That’s it! Sweep on the right! Don’t activate the skill yet!” Nguyen called out from behind, but Chedderfield didn't understand her order, so he equipped his bone knuckles and ran straight at the mech. A moment later though, Arc swooped in from Chedderfield’s right side and positioned himself in the path of the mech.
The hamster frantically gestured and called something out, but the mech couldn’t react fast enough—Arc had managed to box it in. The mech dropped to the ground and Chedderfield could see what was coming: it was going to launch itself in reverse before firing its weapons straight at Archimedes.
But the second the mech stopped, Nguyen yelled out, “Now!” and Archimedes activated No Brainer yet again, black energy shooting from his outstretched hand to hit the machine.
Not having his macuahuitl and Bisect being on cooldown, Chedderfield charged at the stunned mech, his fists pummeling it with bone knuckles as Archimedes’ spear thrust forward, its point seeking the pilot’s front hatch. With a loud clang, Chedderfield bent the leg thruster’s fins before he ripped it free from the leg. Archimedes used the spear like a lever as he tore open the hatch, and something inside wrestled against the safety straps before escaping onto the ground. As it sprinted away, Chedderfield’s arms shot out and grabbed it by the scruff of its neck.
“Did you get yours?” Chedderfield asked Archimedes as he held the raccoon above the ground, the creature wiggling and struggling as best it could, but with its feet unable to reach the floor, it was completely stuck.
“Nope,” Archimedes laughed as he pointed behind him. “You did. When it tried to attack me again after you wrecked its systems, the mech just blew up. The little raccoon went flying straight into a pillar like it was attached to a Q-designed Aston Martin ejector seat.”
“Hey! Lemme down! I can still go a few rounds!” the ball of fur Chedderfield was holding said with an odd Jersey accent. It was such a surprise that Chedderfield had no idea what to do as he looked at the fat raccoon dangling in front of him.
“Hey! Lemme down, you’z here! Let me down!”
“Yeah, let’m down! He can still go a’notha round! That move the spear kid did was cheatin’!”
“I’m so confused. They can talk . . . in English?” Danielle asked.
“The more important question is, why do they sound like a cross between New Jersey kids and Italian gangster wannabes?” Lucy asked. “I mean, seriously. We’re in the middle of a big city in the south, and they learned that accent?”
“Yo, don’t you’z dis the holy language of the great soda film,” said the racoon Chedderfield held.
“Oh,” Nguyen said with a shake of her head. “The movie that they play in the Theater of Pop is narrated by Joe Devito. If that’s all they had to learn English, it's no wonder they sound like that.”
“You‘z bested our holy soda soldiers in honorable combat,” a voice behind the mechs said. Chedderfield turned to see the hamster wearing the pointed hat walk toward them and it continued, “I concede that you’z has not only shown great respect for practicin’ in the holy variety of soda in the temple here, but you’z have respected our traditions for leadership. Who do you’z name as our new lord?”
“Uhh . . .” Chedderfield started to say.
“No, the warriors don’t have a say. Only the lords!” the hamster said. Then he turned to Nguyen, Danielle, and Lucy.
“We are the arbiters of the high council of the order of Cider and Sushiland,” Lucy interrupted as the other two women were trying to figure out who to name as the “new lord.” “And we will accept your fealty and will gladly participate in your next soda-drinking ceremony!”
“As you’z command.” The hamster bowed his head.
The representative of the Holy Soda Empire has agreed to a vassal relationship. No further combat phase will be required to prove dominance.
Holy Soda Empire Faction Vassal Bonus:
Kingdom will gain a 1% increased effectiveness of consumables that provide buffs for every 10 cores used in the vassal base. All mechanical summons in the ruling group’s kingdom will require 1% fewer resources for every 10 cores used in the vassal base.