Drake and Josh are in an alien cafe, surrounded by strange aliens. Drake is currently at a table talking to some very attractive Twi’lek ladies.

“You know,” Drake says to a particularly interested lady, “all my exes say I’m the best kisser they’ve ever known.”

The Twi’lek lady smiles and bites her lip. “Why don’t you prove it?”

[Live Studio Audience goes “Oooh!”]

Josh walks into the room stiffly with a disgusted, confused expression, holding a metal cup. He turns to Drake, who is making out with the Twi’lek girl. He stares enviously, obviously jealous of their completely opposite situations.

[Live Studio Audience laughs]

“DRAKE!” Josh yells, shaking with frustration. This seriously kills the vibe.

Drake recoils from the lady, offended, gesturing to her while staring at Josh. “Dude, some privacy?”

“What are you doing?! I’ve been looking for you for an hour! You were supposed to be finding a speeder!”

“Yeah. I found some hot chicks first.” Drake looks a little harder at Josh, noticing the weird milk. “What is that?”

Josh smiles casually. “A milkshake. I got it from the large… slug… gentleman… over there.”

Josh points to a Hutt.

One of the Twi’lek ladies points like she’s grossed out. “That’s not a milkshake bowl.”

Josh freezes. “What? But he said there were free milkshakes in the weird space bowl over there.”

She continues. “That’s a toilet.”

Josh flexes his neck and a strange blue milky liquid dribbles out of his mouth as he holds his tongue out. “Huh?”

The Hutt slithers past Josh, laughing at him deeply.

Josh runs over to the trash can to throw up.

Drake shrugs and continues kissing the Twi’lek chicks who are barefoot for no apparent reason.

[Live Studio Audience laughs hard]

[Drake and Josh intro plays]

The scene opens to Drake and Josh wandering around in an open space parking lot.

Josh is attempting to talk to an wookie. “So what model of space ship would you say is the best for beginners?”

“AAAAAAAUUUUUURRRRGGGHH,” the wookie responds.

Josh smiles, quickly ending the conversation. “Thanks, have a great day.” He walks away from the wookie and returns to Drake, who is admiring the racing stripes on a speeder.

“So, what’d he have to say?” Drake asks Josh.

“Well, he said that the cabin of that ship is nice and roomy, with a lot of AAAAAAAUUUUUUUUGHRRR!!!” Josh screams frustratedly at Drake, right in his ear.

[Live Studio Audience laughs]

The wookie glares at Josh, who meekly responds, “Sorry.”

[Live Studio Audience laughs even harder]

Josh turns back to Drake. “Did you find anything?”

Drake points to the speeder. “Yeah, I found this… thing.”

“And what does this ‘thing’ do, Drake?”

Drake taps the steering wheel. “Well, you grab this… and you drive it like-”

A Noghri man approaches them, cutting Drake off. “Zeeglorpio aglooru zeebozorpu?”

Drake and Josh exchange a glance, then worriedly break out into charading that they are looking for a ship to get to a studio where they can watch Oprah live, in-person on Alderaan. They awkwardly dance while the Noghri man stares in confusion.

“What are you guys doing?” The Noghri man asks.

[Live Studio Audience laughs]

This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Drake responds, “you can understand us?”

The Noghri man frowns at Drake. “What, just because I’m an alien, I can’t know more than one language?”

Josh frantically waves his arms. “No no no! We didn’t mean anything like that, right, Drake?!”

“Uh, yeah, right!”

The Noghri man skeptically stares at them. “Yeah… sure. Are you boys also going to Studio Seventeen to see Oprah?”

Josh steps forward. “Wait, you’re going to see Oprah too?!”

“Of course! I’m the biggest fan of Oprah on Alderaan!”

Josh squeals in glee and hops in the air.

The Noghri man continues. “This is my speeder. I noticed you guys look like you need a ride, so I came over to see if I could help.”

Drake smiles. “Yeah, that would be awesome, man.”

“Hop in!” The Noghri man starts the speeder as Drake and Josh hop in, then his holoprojector dings. “Hold on, guys, I need to take this call real quick. It’ll be one second.”

He steps away from the speeder.

Josh is beaming. “Drake, this is awesome! I can’t believe we found another Oprah fan on Alderaan!”

Drake squints at Josh. “Yeah, it’s because he’s an Oprah fan that this is great.”

The man gets in the speeder and straps in.

Josh turns idly toward the figure. “So what’s your favorite Oprah episode? Mine is when-”

Josh is cut off by the speeder lurching and zooming off through the parking lot, into the road.

Drake notices the Rebel soldier dressed in orange. “Uh, I think you got in the wrong speeder.”

The rebel soldier turns to Drake and tosses a heavy two-handed blaster into Drake’s hands. “Stay down! We’re running from the Imperials! Take this blaster and fire at the Stormtroopers behind us!”

Drake fumbles with the blaster, accidentally shooting behind him and disabling one of the seven Stormtrooper speeders racing after them.

“Nice hit!”

Drake panics. “I don’t know what I’m doing! What do I do with this?!”

Josh turns around, wide-eyed and frazzled. “Uhh, uh, oh! I played a game like this on the Gamesphere once! Point it at the speeders and pull the trigger!”

A laser shot flies right over Josh’s head and he screams, ducking back into the seat.

[Live Studio Audience laughs]

Drake screams in fear all while holding down on the trigger, blindly firing lasers at the pursuing Stormtroopers. Laser burns litter the ground, but he hits the speeders one by one, Wilhelm screams and other stock screams emanating from behind them. Then, when all the Stormtroopers are gone, Drake is too scared to take his finger off the blaster trigger. He turns around toward the front, grazing the rebel’s arm and hitting the steering wheel of the speeder. The rebel yells as the door hinge breaks and he falls out of the speeder, leaving Drake and Josh alone in the racing vehicle.

Drake throws his arms up yelling, launching the blaster into the air as Josh grabs the wheel, yanking it to the side. The speeder powerslides, coming to a full stop.

Both boys catch their breath, looking around shocked at the scene. They scramble out of the stolen speeder and run away, stopping next to a large building.

“Drake,” Josh says, “what do we do now?! We’re gonna be late to Oprah!”

Drake glances at the door next to him. “Let’s see if anyone inside of here knows a quick way to the Studio!”

Josh sees the alien text on the door. “What if we can’t go in this way? This might mean ‘Do not enter’ in alien.”

Drake holds his finger to the text. “No, Josh, look. It says ‘study Osivintean. What language is Osivintean?”

Josh whirls his head around sadly, whining. “Ohhhh we don’t have time to learn Osivintean!”

“Maybe somebody inside can teach us how!”

Josh whips his head to the text just to be sure.

“Drake.”

“Huh, what?”

“This says ‘Studio Seventeen.’”

“Oh. It does.”

“DOES IT NOW?!” Josh thumped Drake on the back of the head.

[Live Studio Audience laughs]

The two boys get into a thumping battle, grabbing each other and wrestling until a man opens the door and stops them.

“Hey! Hey! What are you guys doing?! The show’s about the start and I need it to be quiet!”

Drake and Josh stop dead in their tracks.

Josh says, “Wait, we made it in time!”

Both of them say in unison, “HUG ME BROTHER!” and hug.

[Live Studio Audience goes “aww”]

The studio worker shushes them. “Well, what are you waiting for? Go in!”

[Live Studio Audience laughs quietly]

They rush in to find their seats and quickly sit in the crowd of people just as the announcer is about to introduce Oprah.

Josh glances over at Crazy Steve next to him, who has seven cups of blue milky liquid.

"Whatcha got there, Steve?"

"A milkshake." He glares at Josh. "Do you want a milkshake, Josh?"

Josh is disgusted. "No thank you, Steve."

Steve yells. "GOOD! I DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE YOU ONE!"

They both turn back to the show casually. Drake and Josh look up into the sky and see a big flash of light just as the loudspeaker chime goes off.

However, a familiar voice talks to them over a loudspeaker. “What’s wrong, boob one and boob two? Were you expecting Oprah?”

Drake and Josh glare up at the giant death laser about to obliterate Alderaan, then meet eyes and say in unison, “Megan.”

[Live Studio Audience laughs and cheers]

[Roll credits]