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The Sh*tpost Saga
5. I guess the real treasure was the meth we made along the way!

5. I guess the real treasure was the meth we made along the way!

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Okay… I can do this… I don’t need them! I don’t need an office or some stupid coworkers! I’ll do it all myself! Hehehehe, we’ll start a few months later.

“I’ve finally figured it out!” Walter exclaimed, slowly pulling his glasses off. “Bring a patient in!”

One of the research assistants walked a real zombie of a man into the room. Walter stuck a tube up the man’s nose and puffed a mixture in. The man’s tiny pupils grew and then shrank back to normal size, lucidity returning to him for the first time in a long time.

“Holy shit,” Hank patted Walter on the back, “How’d you do it?”

Walter began one of his long explanations about how chemicals work. “...and essentially, through the modified naloxone being fused with anti-magic, it nullifies the effects of the drug while breaking the hold of the magic. He’ll still be in a detox process and will certainly require counseling, but he’s no longer high.”

Hank sighed with relief, nodding to the brother-in-law he was so proud of. “I knew you’d be able to do it. You’re a good man, Walt.”

For the briefest of moments, Walter was happy seeing the man walk out healthier. “I’m glad I could help.”

“Well, Walt, your part in this is done. We’ll produce and distribute this to the people who need it, and finally take down Fring.”

Walter put his hand on Hank’s shoulder. “Let me go with you. I want to show this Fring guy what a real chemist looks like. Think of it like that ride-along.”

Hank smiled. “Alright, you can come. You’ll lead the charge.”

“What? I don’t want to be on the front lines. I’m a chemistry teacher, Hank, not a DEA agent.”

“I’m just yankin’ your chain.”

Walter sighed.

“We’re heading out tomorrow. We’ll knock that son of a bitch down and cure the people once we can get supplies moving safely.”

*****

Meanwhile, Jesse and Gor had left the lab. Since Walter needed to keep his meth cook alter ego hidden, Jesse had to act like a stupid junkie, but that gave him time to help Gor get reacclimated to normal life. The mech ran out of magical energy to remain in existence because Gor also ran out of magic. Jesse found it awkward having to watch her so much. She was extremely quiet sober, almost to the point of not talking at all. Gor would just stare off into the distance like she was in a late 2000s emo music video. She sat with Jesse, dressed in sweatpants and a sweatshirt, tiredly eating fish and chips outside a pub by the river.

“So, like, how do you get your magic back?” Jesse wasn’t eating, just sort of watching and keeping an eye on Gor.

Gor had become a total doomer after losing her magic. “I don’t know. I’ve never lost it before.”

“But there’s gotta be a way, right?”

She picked at the fish. “Magic doesn’t just come out of nowhere.”

“Isn’t that, like, the point of magic, though?”

“Go ask Heisenberg. I’m sure he’ll tell you. He doesn’t need me or my magic anymore.”

“Get used to it. He’ll toss you aside like nothing if it means he gets a win.”

She squinted at him. “And you still work with him?”

“Shit was going good, had a rock solid setup. You don’t exactly get to choose coworkers in the meth business.”

“Do you trust him?”

Ugh, this is getting so boring. At this rate, Gor’s just gonna fuck off to some part of the world like a depressed NEET. Maybe she should have gotten isekai’d to Albuquerque… Nah. And why the fuck would people want stupid character moments and reasonable choices like this boring scene?! I'M AN IDIOT! WE NEED ACTION AND KILLING! FUCK! Peak isekai… yeah, this is peak. PEEEAK! This is the FUCKIGN BEST SHIT EVER! Yeah, okay, yeah let’s try this.

“No, he’s always got a plan.”

Gor stood up. “I can wield the sword. Let’s be there when he takes down Fring, and if he tries anything, we’ll be there.”

“Mister White isn’t gonna make it obvious. He’s too smart.” Jesse sighed. “But he cares about his brother-in-law, so I don’t think he’d do anything to hurt him.”

“But you think he’ll try something?”

Jesse hesitated. “Yeah.”

“I’m the hero. It’s my duty to stop evil, no matter who it is. For my friends…” Her face fell for a moment, a twinge of hopelessness in her sunken, exhausted eyes.

“Yo, Gor,” Jesse stood up and looked her in the eye. “Your friends helped you save the world, right? Let’s make sure the world stays saved, for them.”

A spark of hope ignited in her, and that’s all she needed.

*****

The next day was sheer chaos as soon as Walter woke up. The DEA was mobilized in organized garrisons for the siege on King Fring, wyverns and all. The ATF was called in because their snipers were great at hitting hellhounds.

“What do you mean we can’t go in yet?!” Hank yelled over the phone. “We’ve got him dead to rights!... Yes sir… Yes sir.” He hung up.

“What’s going on?” Walter approached Hank.

“CIA’s got agents inside, we’re not clear to enter until they’re out. They were signaled yesterday, and nothing today.”

“Hank,” Walter lowered his voice and pulled Hank closer, “I know you know that there’s magic here. What are the possibilities that Fring is using some kind of mind control thing with the meth? That he has those men under his control already?”

“It’s possible, but we can’t be certain. Walt, did you find something studying the meth?”

The tale has been taken without authorization; if you see it on Amazon, report the incident.

“There’s was a weird part of it I couldn’t understand. I got the introduction to magic from Gor, but this magic was advanced. Prolonging drug effects takes place in the brain, so it’s likely that mind control is the main purpose of the permanence. But I couldn’t be sure of it, I needed more time to study it.”

Hank furrowed his brows. “I hope you’re right.” He raised the phone to his ear. “We’re going in. New intel from the chemist suggests the meth may be using active mind control. Your boys inside are probably already gone.”

He listened for a moment, then turned to his boss, who gave the clear to march.

Within an hour, thunderous steps shook the city and the massive medieval castle where King Fring operated out of. Meth smoke billowed out from the ramparts, wafting down over the land. The DEA came prepared with gas masks, but it was still near-impossible to see through the plumes of white smoke.

Jesse and Gor were in back with Walter once the siege commenced. Jesse and Walter wore full DEA armor and Gor donned her full-plate hero armor for one last battle.

“Yo, Mister White, what’s in that spray you made everyone take?”

“It’s a chemical compound infused with magic that will essentially prevent everyone from being affected by Fring’s meth.”

“Then why are we wearing gas masks?”

Walter rolled his eyes and condescendingly sighed. “Because we need to be able to breathe through this smoke. Jesse, leave the science to me.”

Gor wasn’t paying much attention to the men. The clouds of meth smoke around her were dreamlike. So close to having no more worries. So close to having Duki and her friends back. But she held strong, gas mask firmly in place, sword tight in hand protecting her from harmful influences like seventh grade health class vigilantly protects everyone from the devil’s lettuce.

Suddenly, booming wings flapped high above them. A squadron of wyverns formed a line overhead, streams of aerosolized cure trailing behind them, falling into the smoke, neutralizing the effects of the meth. They approached the castle, preparing to extinguish the source of the smoke, when bolts of lightning erupted from the castle wall.

Hank called out over the radios. “Arch Wizard Gale is taking down the units! Retreat until cleared for entry!”

Wyverns fell from the sky as lightning chained between them.

“We need everyone we can on-”

Gor sighed and in an instant she was gone. Invisibly fast, she was already next to Gale, his body severed in two.

“-that wizard!” Hank stared shocked for a moment, then returned to his radio. “Uh, Gomez, you’re clear to enter the airspace.”

The wyverns flew overhead, the air below clouded by the cure to permanent meth.

Gor set Gale’s body down and lightly bowed, then returned to the garrison.

Walter turned around, dumbfounded. “Gor- how did- what-”

“Job’s not done.” Gor glared at him. “Go get Fring.”

Walter shook his head and caught up to Hank. He patted Hank’s shoulder. “That was easier than we thought. The men are clear to take off gas masks now, the meth smoke should have been nullified by the cure.”

Hank announced it over the radio and all the garrisons cheered and threw up their gas masks like graduation, chanting their way into the castle. Gor and Jesse elected to keep their’s on, not wanting to risk falling back into addiction from residual smoke. Meth addicts were ushered out in droves as DEA agents swarmed the location. Soon enough, they arrived at the crystalline throne room overlooking the elven city of Kuganx.

Gus Fring rose from the throne, welcoming his visitors. “The DEA, what business does-”

Gor flashed forward and held the sword to his throat. “You’re done, Fring.”

Walter, being in the back, far out of earshot of Gor, pulled Jesse close to warn him. “Take your gas mask off.”

Jesse knew it must have been some plot, and Walter was trying to keep him safe, so he did.

“Domain expansion…” Walter muttered.

Gor waited for Hank or Walter to step up, but all she saw was smoke billowing in from the back of the room.

Walter stepped forward “…Heisenberg’s Meth Empire. If Gor hurts me, kill her.” All of the agents’ and even Fring’s eyes glazed over, going bloodshot from inhaling the meth smoke emanating from Walter’s domain.

Gor froze, fearfully turning to Walter, who stopped. “What did you do?”

“Gor, you did fantastic. Now take off your gas mask.”

She beheaded Fring as he reached for her gas mask. “You’re not stopping Fring, you’re taking his place.”

“And I’ll do much better. No permanent meth, that was just foolish. I’ll make normal meth for everyone, you included. I did promise an unlimited supply.”

“You took over their minds… how?!”

“Isn’t it obvious?” He gestured to the meth smoke. “I reverse engineered Fring’s amateur mind control magic with a permanently active alteration to their brains. There’s no undoing this one.”

Gor’s eyes filled with hatred for Walter. “I’ll save these people from you! I’m the-”

“No you won’t. If you touch me, they will all kill you. And, like I said before, their brains are altered. Even if I die: They will try to kill you until you kill them. How many innocent people will die because of you?”

“I’m the hero!” Gor exclaimed with such power that even Walter stepped back. Tears began streaming down her raging face. “I have to save these people! For Duki nee-san, for-”

“THEY’RE ALL DEAD, GOR!” Walter yelled over her. “YOU HAVE NOTHING! NO ONE!”

She choked on her words, eyes going wide.

“If you kill me, you’ll have to kill everyone in Kuganx! How can you say you saved a city that wants you dead?!” Walter smirked. “Who do you think took your magic, Gor? You were so high on meth that you willingly gave it to me and Jesse. So I took it from you when you were detoxing and magically vulnerable.”

Gor was caught in a memory. “I’ll run, forever! They- they need me to be the hero, I have to-”

“Look around, Gor. They don’t want a hero. They want you to go back to flipping around and living quietly like you used to. Gor, they want you to have Duki back.”

Walter slowly approached her, gently pushing the sword aside. She shook in place, terrified of her choices. Slaughter an entire city, or give up. He didn’t reach for her gas mask, he grabbed her hand with the sword.

“Stop.”

A tiny static shock, magic, shot through her hand from his and she reacted to sever him in two only a moment too late. Tears poured down her cheeks as she realized the grim reality of her situation, frozen in place.

“Take off your gas mask.”

She silently wept, taking in the terrifying final moment of her life as she knew it, but she couldn’t resist. Her hand moved on its own, lifting the gas mask from her face.

“Breathe in.”

Gor flipped and high-fived the air. “Duki nee-san, we did it! We saved Kuganx from the evil King Fring!” She posed with the sword. “Now Heisenberg can make meth for everyone in the kingdom forever!”

Walter White ascended the steps to the crystal throne and sat overlooking the people in all his vainglory. In his mind, he was King Arthur overlooking Albion, a king of kings unlike any other before. He crowned himself with his pork pie hat. He even contemplated renaming the city to Heisenberg.

Gor’s eyes were bloodshot and she was already tossing off her armor. “I guess the real treasure was the meth we made along the way!”

*****

Walter sat up and held his head with a groan. He was propped up on the couch inside the house that he and Jesse had been cooking in. “Jesse?! What happened? How’s the meth?!”

“Holy shit, Mister White, you scared me. My phone rang and then you went all psycho and passed out!”

“How strange.” Walter’s face froze as he was thinking about what the cause of his episode could have been. “I had a dream that we were in a place called “isekai” and these weird… fantasy… French people wanted us to cook meth for them. And Tuco was a dragon. Ugh, it was terrible”

“You sure you’re not sampling the supply, yo?”

“Very funny Jesse.” Walter shook his head and looked around. He smiled a little as he realized something, but still looked stern. “Well… there it is.” Walter picked up the gas mask he was using prior. There was a large broken hole in the respirator, and a portion of the filter was missing. “One of those Vamonos Pest idiots must have packed our equipment improperly and broke the filter. The fumes would be more than enough to make me hallucinate and pass out.”

“Yeah. You don’t look super great, Mister White. You wanna take the rest of the day off? I can finish the batch, you know. You can go, and uh, grab yourself another gas mask.”

“Yes, Jesse. I think I will do just that. Thank you.”

Walter left, the fleeting dream of another world gone before he exited the house to yell at those Vamonos Pest idiots.