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The hot sun of Albuquerque, New Mexico was beating down on Walter and Jesse’s heads as they carried their work bags into a white colonial style house that was being treated for pests. The door shut behind them. Darkness fell over windows, dimming the interior a sickly green and yellow. They stripped down and stepped into their yellow safety gear. They had five pounds from the day before, and they were aiming to hit ten before the day was done.
“Jesse, what’s that sound?” Walter’s voice sounded muffled through the gas mask he was wearing as he patted his pockets, searching for something.
Jesse reached into his pocket. “What the hell? It’s… my phone. I turned it off, though. It shouldn’t be ringing.” He pulled the phone from his pocket and flipped it open. “You recognize this number?”
Walter started panting and opened his mouth in surprise. “Uh, uuuuuuh, that’s impossible, though!” He leaned in to look at the phone and strained his eyes like old people do. “How the hell did Hank get your phone number?!” In his shaking hands, Walter accidentally pressed the call button. He opened his mouth wide, but went silent, holding the phone up and mouthing for Jesse to answer.
“Um, yo, who is this? Why are you calling me, yo?” Jesse knew his farce wouldn’t last if Hank asked about anything important. He just had to hope the DEA were as stupid and useless as they had been since he started cooking meth.
There was a long pause.
Suddenly, it was like the world was collapsing around the two meth chefs as waves of static and pixels ripped them from where they were standing. Before Walter and Jesse knew it, they were in a world unlike any dreams they had ever imagined.
“Ah! Wha?!” Walter had never felt fear like this before. He was blinded by a mysterious light.
“Holy shit…” Jesse trailed off, looking around, with an eye half squinted, scared and confused as he stood hunched in the middle of a forest clearing. He was panting loudly and aggressively.
A girl’s childlike voice startled him and she tossed a 5 pound bag of meth onto the ground. “Gwah! It’s Heisenberg onii-san! Jesse onii-san too! Uwu! I can’t believe we teleported them both! Duki nee-san, look! We did it!”
Walter’s frantic hand found Jesse’s shoulder. “Oh God! Jesse, I can’t see! What’s that horrible shrill sound?!” Walter was rubbing his eyes and scaredly bouncing at every sound like a wind tube man in Hurricane Katrina.
The screeching girl decided to grace Walter’s ear’s again. “Don’t worry, Heisenberg onii-chan! Me and Duki nee-san are here to help you!”
Walter cupped his ears and wailed miserably, wondering if God was finally punishing him for poisoning Brock.
Jesse finally remembered how to speak. “What the hell is a dookinaysan?! Huh?! You tryin’ to kill us? Take our meth? Talk! Who the hell are you?!” Jesse finally looked over the strange girl. Her long golden-blonde, twin-tailed hair and absurdly massive breasts rivaled Walter’s frantic bouncing as she ran over to them. Jesse walked to meet her and yanked at her comically long pointy ear. “What the hell is this?! Some kind of joke? You playin’ us right now? And why the hell are your eyes so big?!”
“Noooooooo! Please Jesse onii-san! Let go of my ear!”
“Alright, fine, I’ll let you go. But are you gonna talk, b i t c h?!”
“No, Jesse.” Walter could finally see properly and walked over to the two, furrowing his brow and grunting in thought. “She’s going to talk first.”
The fear of God welled up in the scared elf’s eyes and she began crying. “I’m sowwy Heisenberg onii-san and Jesse onii-san! We just wanted your help!” She sobbed loudly and very annoyingly.
Jesse pulled at her ear again. “Then stop crying and talk!”
She rubbed her oversized bloodshot green eyes, then wiped her hands on the white pieces of cloth she was wearing that could barely be called clothes at all. Jesse finally realized this and took an awkward step back while still holding the ear of the strange exhibitionist woman.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
Just then, a terrible roar came from the forest behind them! Out of nowhere, a massive dragon covered in a plethora of rainbow scales burst out of the treeline, tearing down everything around it until it halted in the small clearing.
The elf girl yelped and screamed. “Heisenberg onii-san, Jesse onii-san! We need to run!”
Walter and Jesse were in silent awe before the monstrous reptile as it turned its gaze down toward them with a sinister smile.
“I have an idea,” Walter whispered to Jesse. “Jesse, we need to slay this dragon. Take the meth.” Walter forced the five pound bag of blue methamphetamine against Jesse’s chest. “Run to our left and circle around the dragon to me. I think I know how to kill it.”
Jesse was thoroughly horrified, but that didn’t stop him from taking off with the bag of meth. The dragon immediately began to lean down toward Jesse, who was sprinting faster than any police had ever made him sprint.
“No! Heisenberg onii-san!” The elf girl rushed up to Walter and pressed herself against him to get Walter’s attention. “You had meth?! Now the dragon is surely going to kill Jesse-san!”
“Don’t worry, French girl. I have a plan. The dragon is going to eat Jesse and the meth while I run. That much meth is enough to make any person, or dragon, overdose. Jesse may die, but he will be doing it to keep me alive.”
“But, Heisenberg onii-san! That’s the Bringer of Rainbow Meth and Painful Death, the Reincarnated Dragon, Tuco Salamanca! Meth makes him stronger!”
“Tuco?! Gah! It doesn’t matter. Either way, that much meth will knock him out. Then, I can grab that strange sword embedded between his scales and stab him once he’s down.” Walter pointed to a fine, baby blue longsword that was wedged in the side scales of Tuco the Dragon.
The dragon roared and laughed maniacally. “No freakin’ way! It’s the little Pinkman bitch! I am gonna kill the shit out of you! You hear me, Pinkman?! This is what you get for shooting me!” He didn’t have to move very quickly to keep pace with Jesse. He reveled in watching the tiny human run scared.
Jesse fought back tears as he ran, trying to think of a way out of the horrible situation. “Mister White! Are you gonna do something or what?!”
Tuco grabbed Jesse in his massive claws. He held Jesse over his open mouth, dangling him by the back of his collar. “You think you’re gonna come here and take over?! You and your piece of shit partner?! I’m the one and only king of meth here, baby! And I’m gonna burn you like the rat you are!” Tuco laughed boldly, flames careening out of the edges of his dragon lips, the fierce wind nearly blowing Jesse’s gas mask off the top of his head.
Suddenly, a look of realization came over Jesse’s face. He clutched the bag of meth and ripped it open over Tuco’s mouth, spilling all five pounds of drugs into Tuco’s open maw. Tuco didn’t seem to notice until the meth was already far down his fiery gullet. His laughing turned to coughing as plumes of meth smoke began rising up toward Jesse, who quickly secured the gas mask over his face.
Tuco lowered himself and dropped Jesse as he recoiled and retched from the excessive amount of meth smoke he was taking in. His breaths became faster and more shallow while he heaved into the grass.
Walter watched as Tuco was completely preoccupied, and took his chance. He rushed over to Tuco and grabbed the sword. It was stuck deep in the crack in Tuco’s scales, so he lingered, waiting for the scales to shift with Tuco’s heaving and threw the weight of his entire body back at the opportune moment. The sword fell free with a loud scrape against the hard scales.
“Jesse! Get up!” Walter yelled from across the clearing.
Jesse’s head was in a blur and his body ached from the fall, but survival was the only thing on his mind. He stumbled up and whipped around. “The hell was that, Mister White?!”
Walter’s eyes began clouding over. Being both a cancer patient and an out-of-shape chemistry teacher, he didn’t have the athleticism to do much else after yanking the sword out. Tuco was just beginning to stir, a ravenous hunger in his eyes as Walter clumsily clasped the sword in Jesse’s hands.
“Jesse, we need to kill Tuco! Cut his head off while he’s down!”
Jesse glanced down at the sword, wide-eyed and confused, but with a sudden surge of confidence. He ran over to Tuco, channeling his years of playing “The Legend of Zelda” into one final swing to take the dragon’s head off. The sword flashed a brilliant baby blue as Tuco’s rainbow scales severed, glittery blood exploding out of the wound with a surprising amount of whimsy.
“HELL YEAH! You see that Mister White?! We killed a dragon, yo!”
Walter, still hunched over catching his breath, wasn’t paying much attention to his underachieving dropout student. Baffled, he watched the elven creature dart over to Tuco’s severed head and quickly inhale as much meth smoke as she could.
Jesse’s mood quickly died to the confusion of watching the scene before him. “Hey, you! What the hell are you doing? That’s our meth, yo!”
The elf girl was about to make Jane’s OD look like a joke, that is, until Jesse yanked her away and waved plumes of meth smoke from her face. She coughed and stared idly, slumping over like the average San Francisco sidewalk shitter and then collapsing into the grass.
“What do we do now, Mister White?!”
Walter stared stoically at the dangerously high elf and pursed his lips. “We wait for her to wake up, then we find out why she summoned us. Then, most importantly,” he glanced over at the meth smoke, “we find out where she got our meth from, and how it got… here.” Walter’s eyes scanned the fantastical and alien forest around him, fearful of what lurked, but excited at the idea of a new operation in a place that clearly had high demand for his best product.