Robert lay beside Sophia watching her sleep. He longed to take her in his arms, only he didn’t. She was tired, she was a mother, she had had a hard day. He knew she saw him as cold. It was the only way he could keep enough distance between them to keep his secret. Once he thought he would share his secret with the one he would grow old with. Would he grow old with Sophia? Beneath her smiles and kind eyes lay a darkness he could not reach. He remembered when they were newly married, spending the weekend on Galveston Island. How lovely she had looked in her white swim suit. It took everything he had to keep his hands off of her. The sun was setting and he was watching her walk alone down the shore. He turned away briefly. When he turned back she was gone! Frantically his eyes had scanned the shore. She wasn’t there. Just the thought of that time sent his heart to racing. He started running to where he had last seen her, screaming her name! He could not swim, he could not go after her if she was out there.

An older man with mutton chop side burns had asked, “Can I help?”

Robert remembered gulping out the words, “My wife, I think she’s out there!”

The older man took out to where Robert pointed. Robert felt like he was going to die! But then, all the sudden, Sophia had surfaced and began swimming back to shore. Relief then anger had surged through him. How could she be so heartless?

When she came ashore, she rushed into his arms. She was crying, but silent. She held onto him so tight he couldn’t breathe. It was then that he knew. She had tried to kill herself, one day she might succeed. His voice had brought her back. He asked, “Why did you do that?”

In the dying light of day, she had looked up at him. Her eyes were full of fear. Softly she said, “I don’t know.” And then she made the same promise to him that she had made today, “It won’t happen again.” It was a promise she had kept until today. What had driven her to do something so foolish while their child was watching. Something was wrong with his wife. Either she had a mental illness or a brain tumor.

She sighed in her sleep and snuggled up closer to him. He did not move away. He wrapped his arms around her. She needed help. He would talk to her about it tomorrow. He could not lose her the way he had lost his mother. This fear was his secret, the reason he guarded his heart so fiercely. No one would abandon him like that again. Ever. No one would abandon his child the way he had been abandon.

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In memory he saw his mother. She was a lovely woman with honey colored hair. He stopped there. He refused to go down that road, to unearth those memories or to ask those haunting questions again.

Gently, he kissed Sophia’s forehead. She wasn’t self centered like his mother had been. He knew she loved him as best as she could, but he also felt the wall that she had erected between them. He too had built a wall. Two walls stood between them and the distance they created was taking its toll on their marriage. His hand slid down her back and pulled her closer still. He could feel her heart beat, her breath. He must not lose her. He must talk to her. He would in the morning. It would be hard, but he had to know, he had to face why she had tried to take her life again.

*

The next morning, he awoke in an empty bed. The sun was just coloring the sky. He glanced around the room. Sophia’s pajamas were on the floor and the closet door was open. She must have gone for a run. Fortunately their apartment wasn’t anywhere near the water. He wandered to the curtained off part of the hall and peeked in. Cleo was soundly sleeping. In her arms she clutched her plushie whale. Poor Whaley was a best loved battered fellow. The slow even breaths that came from his child, steadied him. For her sake, he wold talk to Sophia. The past must not be repeated in the future.

He went to the kitchen and made himself a cup of coffee. It was hot and black. He took his cup to the balcony and sat down on the lawn chair. The birds were beginning to chirp. Only a few birds could actually sing, most just cheeped or made harsh noises. He heard the sound of Sophia’s footfalls on the pavement before he saw her. His eyes shifted to the drive. there she was, dressed in sloppy sweats. Her dark hair was pulled back in a pony tail. The pony tail was keeping rhythm with her stride. His heart ached. He wanted to gather her in his arms and keep her safe forever. If only he had the power to do so. She did not look up at him as she ran passed their balcony. He watched her disappear up the stairs.

Though he should go in and greet her. Though he should talk to her about his concerns, he found himself rooted in his fear. Words spoken created realities, secrets held could create tragedies. He forced himself to stand. It took all he had to get his feet to go inside. The front door opened. She saw him and gave him a timid smile. For the first time it occurred to him that somewhere in their marriage, Sophia’s trust in him had turned to fear. He said, “We need to talk.”

She nodded. Her voice was small when she said, “Yes, we do.”

The fear inside of him grew. Would she tell him the truth this time? And if she did, could he handle it?

Sophia crossed the room and perched on the shabby green couch. She placed her hands in her lap. Her fingers locked together. When she looked up at him, she had the eyes of a child who was about to be scolded for good reason. Robert braced himself and sat down across from her. He wanted to take her in his arms. He wanted to dissolve this moment and never face it. From the curtained section of the apartment, he heard a soft sigh. Cleo. He must face this moment for Cleo.

He cleared his throat and said, “Tell me the real reason why you left Cleo alone like that.”

Tears filled Sophia’s eyes. Her face lost all its color. Softly she said, “If I tell you, will you believe me?”