I love taking the train. Nowadays, I always have a seat whenever I board it: the roof.
If you look up at the green line train tracks at night, there’s a good chance I’m on top, lounging around or fiddling with my phone. When Sol made their home in my neck and gave me salamander themed superpowers, that package did not include flight or super speed, something to make long distance travel convenient. So like everyone else, I gotta take the train.
Well, maybe not exactly like everyone else.
Lying on my back, I let myself get lost in the grey clouds above, which cast an ominous shadow on the world, as if it were a blanket shielding me from prying eyes. It’s going to rain soon, a fact I try to sink myself into to avoid thinking of the looming threat I’m rapidly approaching.
It’s close to 7 P.M. It’s almost time.‘Do you remember the first time you transformed?’ Sol asked out of the blue. Their voice was soothing, like a dip into hot water on a cold night. Instinctively, my muscles relaxed and I stretched my legs out, enjoying the feeling of wind blowing against me.
‘The first time I did it consciously or the time you forced it on me?’ I laughed a little and so did they. We were only a stop away now. When I’m inside a train carriage, I never notice how much a train rickets as it moves. Now it’s all I can think about, the fact that without my ability to stick I’d have fallen off by now. I wonder how normal human beings can stand still inside a train when it moves at this speed and wobbles this much. The way the tracks go on ad infinitum is almost hypnotic, like rainfall on the window of the train that entrances you until it’s time to leave.
‘You were so intent on having a cool catchphrase to say to initiate our metamorphosis, you spent an hour ideating on what to say. You know, you can just do it mentally, saying it out loud is superfluous.’ The memory replays in my head as I lay down on the roof and stare at the moon.
We spent time brainstorming, and by that I mean I spent time brainstorming for something badass to say right before transforming. Like Danny Phantom saying “Going ghost!” y’know? I wanted to be that awesome in my head. I wanted to feel like a hero.
‘I don’t regret that,’ I tell them honestly. ‘Blaze up, Sol, is super fun to say.’
I smile. The cool factor of a catchphrase was almost enough to distract me from the excruciating pain that came with a bodily transformation back when I first got my powers.
‘Life was much simpler then. Even if the first couple times I tried to transform into the Salamander I threw up, it’s still infinitely easier than being them… now.’
‘You got a doctor’s note out of school for it. I think you got a good end of the deal back then. Superpowers, no school, you truly lived an adolescent’s dream.’
I massaged my temples, taking a deep inhale. It really was a dream.
The train ride arrived at our destination. I pried myself from the roof of the train like tearing off a bandage, looking down at the miniature replicas of trees and people on the ground level before jumping off into a secluded area, sharply sucking in air as I landed.
7.14 P.M, according to my phone. Maybe if he was early and so was I, I’d have a little extra time. A small burn in the back of my neck was Sol’s way of telling me to quit my wishful thinking, incinerating that hope. I’m not allowed to have hope right now.
‘We will triumph tonight. Stay on your guard. I’’m proud of you, Rose.’’ Sol’s voice was once again like a nice steambath trying to ease my very frantic nerves. It was hard to stand upright, I wanted to turn back around and go to bed and hope it was all some bad dream. I wanted to wake up, normal Rose who gets winded easily and sleeps through class. But I’m not that girl anymore. I’m not that person.
‘I know. Thanks.’ I said, transforming into civilian form before walking my normal route to Carrie’s. No way Ashen would show up to brawl me head to head. Last time we fought, he only stood a chance thanks to setting up bombs and threatening innocents around the area. I tried to sense heat with every step, trying to identify if anything was out of place, if any trap was set up. It’s not just my life or Carissa’s life at stake tonight, it could be anyone’s.
And it was our duty to help these people.
‘Thank you for being a part of me, Sol. Your family would have been proud of you. They sent you here for a reason, I think.’ I smiled, hoping Sol would take some comfort in my words. They remained quiet and solemn, assessing my statement. They accepted the compliment and quietly thanked me, but did so hesitantly. The invigorating feeling that washed over me told me that they were truly grateful to hear the words they never imagined hearing.
‘Do you know why I wanted him dead so badly, Rose?’ They started, guilt riding on each word.
‘Why?’
‘It would have been repentance. To save you from the suffering I felt, to be clean of the guilt that comes with surviving what others did not.’ Anger bubbled beneath the surface of each word. I couldn’t think of an appropriate response.
‘It’s not something I’m proud of, Rose. I wasn’t thinking about the consequences you’d suffer for my actions. It was selfish to not keep my emotions in check, to influence you down a path you would never take. I shouldn’t have ever tried to sacrifice you to absolve my guilt. For that… I’m sorry.’
‘There’s nothing we can do about it anymore. We just… won’t do that tonight.’ I answered through gritted teeth. A dark, chilling touch stroked my head, like the icy blade of a knife slashing at skin. Knowing my behaviour could be so easily influenced by Sol scared me, but my resolve had to withstand this fear. If I couldn’t trust them, we wouldn’t function as a unit. And the consequence of that would be far worse.
Finally, we made it to her HDB block. By the time I made it to the void deck, it began drizzling. The pitter and patter of raindrops on the ground did nothing to soothe my restless spirit, but it was far too late to turn back now. I made my way to the lift lobby, planning on finding an area out of view of the CCTV cameras in order to transform, when I saw a familiar face.
“Hello, Salamander.” Ashen said matter-of-factly as the use of my name beckoned me to him. I marched forward, fists clenched and mouth dry. I took out my phone to check the time, 7.25 P.M. He came in a different, but similar, purple jacket, the same cargo pants, but no mask or face shields unlike last time. The burn mark near his eye had almost fully healed by now.
“Where’s the remote?” I demanded as I stepped right in front of him. He was marginally taller, but I never noticed it until now. He smiled and tapped on one of his many pockets, eyes never wavering as he stared into mine.
“Let’s go to the roof.” He said, pressing the up button on the lift. The situation was eerily casual, as if we were here to visit Carissa and nothing more. The lift ride was the two of us alone, the racketing of the lift and the smell of dabao food not enough to distract from the tension in the air. I was feeling his heat signature, and no matter how hard he tried to hide it and act aloof and in control, his body was heating up from the stress. His fingers rapidly tapped the side of his thigh, his eyes not daring to meet mine.
I’m sure he noticed similar things about me. We stood at opposite ends of the lift like two rats occupying the same cage. Neither of us said a word.
The pre-recorded voice announced our floor as the lift doors opened. We made it to the top floor of the HDB, Ashen guiding me to the stairs to the roof, locked away by a measly steel door. Not skipping a beat, he took out homemade lock picks and got the door open with minimal effort. He grinned with a wicked glint in his eye, gesturing for me to walk up first.
“Heroes first.” He said with blatant spite, a faux smile plastered on his face. Brooding, I walked up the stairs. We silently climbed through the shadows, the smell of grime and dust discomfortingly potent in the stairwell to the roof.
The drizzle's ferocity made it a downpour by the time we reached the roof. Making a ‘tsk’ sound, Ashen pulled over his hood and walked on forward and stared towards the night sky, rain falling on his face. He could have been crying, but I wouldn’t be able to tell with raindrops disguising themselves as tears and vice versa.
I’m not new to being this high up on a HDB anymore. It’s been quite a common occurrence ever since I became the Salamander, but everything was wrong tonight. The once calming sound of raindrops had been perverted into the ticking of a timebomb, the once pervasive sound of cicadas at night vanished into the void. While some HDB roofs have become gardens or carparks, this one was desolate land that was soon to become scorched earth.
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“When we fought… you could put up a fight. How are you… so strong?” My curiosity got the better of me and I asked as if I was asking about a normal person’s gym routine. Footsteps turned to silence as he turned to look at me, eyeing me suspiciously.
“Strength training, a steroid I’ve been putting myself on and an exoskeleton that hides beneath my jacket.” Quizzically with a tilt of his head, he answered apprehensively with a gleam of excitement in his eyes, like he had been waiting to be asked about his inventions and to talk about it. He tried to hide it under a cold cover, but there was a shining pride as he spoke.
“How is that possible? The kind of equipment… how did you even…”
“You can turn into a giant black salamander and I don’t ask questions, how is what I’m doing any more ridiculous?”
He smiled at me like a friend would. My stomach churned.
“I remember when news about you came up.” He began to speak, staring into the night sky and creating distance between us. It felt wrong to follow him forward, his voice a gentle crescendo as the gap widened.
“I couldn’t believe it. A superhero. The real deal. I watched and grew up on all kinds of comics and cartoons so… I was happy at first. Someone could bring justice.” He smiled to himself, as if thinking of an old friend.
“What changed that?” The nostalgic tone he held was incongruent with his spiteful reality. He shrugged, turning to face me with a look of absolute zero.
“You saved him. You saved my dad. My dad. It was… unfortunate that he lived when he shouldn’t have, but I’m used to not having anything my way. I understood, a nameless hero saving people would save a man in need. I couldn’t fault the Salamander for that.”
I felt the heat in his body rise as if the memory of the moment was flaring up within him.
“But then I remember one PE class. I saw you run. Normally you walked and chatted with Carissa. Maybe you’d jog a bit. But this time you ran. And you were fast. Either you were the greatest closet athlete around, or… something was different.” His gloved hands fiddled around his pockets as he paced around aimlessly.
“You were awake in classes. Bright. Chirpy. And physically the best I’d ever seen. I don’t think you’ve noticed, but I never see you yawn anymore.” A rising, gnawing dread ate away at my stomach. He noticed all that? Did everyone know?
“And one day, Carissa told me you missed movie night with her. And it started adding up. You were more elusive than before, but more cheery and active. You were awake throughout classes, and didn’t have time for your friends or work, all at the same time a new superpowered individual was on the scene. So with a bit of, for lack of better word, stalking and… experimenting… I deduced it was you.” He hesitated at ‘experimenting’, like it was the softest word he could find. At first I assumed he meant whatever he did to achieve his strength, then realised it was far worse.
“Experimenting… like the beach incident?”
“Yes.”
“You risked all those people’s lives… to test if I was… me? Those… real people. Their lives. All an experiment to seek me out.”
“Yes.”
“You’re fucking insane!” My body burnt up, and I thought I had transformed.
“Why’d you save him?!” Tears had welled up in his eyes as though he were the victim. As if the lives he ruined and took were nothing more than a means to an end, as if everything up to this point was inconsequential.
“You knew who he was. You knew what he was to me! And you saved him. You didn’t save a random man on the street, you saved my dad, the worst man I know, you kept him alive and now I have to suffer for your heroism! You could have saved me! All the extra months of torment and abuse… it could have all ended with you!”
“Ashen that’s not-”
“Not what? Not right? You could have let him go and saved so many more people. All you had to do was let him die that day and none of this would have happened! You let him die, you save me, and then no one else has to die! Some people deserve to die, you have to understand!”
I wanted to vomit. Deserve to die? He was trapped in his tunnel, one way of thinking about just himself. All these other lives and people who he hurt in his petty revenge quest were nothing but obstacles to him. My mind almost couldn’t comprehend the absolute cruelty that was spoken to me as utilitarian logic.
“I need to hurt my parents the way they hurt me, Rosie.” He said with unearned fondness.
“It’s not enough that you saved him. You’re also the shining beacon of someone gifted, who doesn’t have to work for shit. I needed to hurt you to prove these… natural gifts were nothing. You’re the perfect example of someone whose prowess was natural ever since you became the Salamander. I wasn’t naturally inclined to anything. I’d have to work a hundred times harder to achieve even a fraction of your results!” He deftly took empty vials from his pocket and threw them to the ground, shattering all over the rooftop.
“It pained me to hurt you too. It would have been far easier without… sentimentality.” He frowned at the last word.
“You’re not talentless.” I argued. Ashen was a lot of things, but talentless wasn’t one of them. I stared at his jacket, which hid his aforementioned exoskeleton and no doubt crudely designed weaponry, alongside a literal strength steroid. “You’re the most gifted science kid in school! You literally made bombs and gloves to try to kill me! You have a gift, why not use it the righ-”
“It’s not enough!” He yelled. “I’m not enough. I know this now. I wasn’t lucky enough to be born into power. Or skill, or intelligence, or plain old aptitude, I understand now. Mum and dad were right. I’m not good enough.” He kept repeating that insidious phrase as if it were gospel truth, when the reality was these were invisible chains that bound him to hatred. As if punched in the face, the truth of the matter hit me clearly. I couldn’t change him, he had given in to his self-loathing and fury. Nothing I said could stop him.
Admittedly, I couldn’t understand what his life was like up to this point. I couldn’t. I grew up loved and safe, whereas he didn’t. But he’s trying to make everyone suffer as he did, and that’s where he becomes the villain here. He lashed out at the world, and his trauma does not excuse him from the consequences. I could feel the scales grow out from the back of my neck.
“So now, I’m going to prove I’m good enough. And as a last “fuck you” to my parents, I’m going to give show them how shit of people they are, that they turned their son into a damned monster.” He shouted it to the world from the rooftop, twirling around with his hands to the sky as though there was an audience awaiting his grand finale. His malicious smile resurfaced as he took out the remote that would disable the bomb and placed it on the floor next to him. He took a deep breath, biting down on his lip. He swiped his long, messy hair out of his face and thoroughly analysed me as if I were under a microscope.
“You don’t have to do this, Ashen. You can disable it right now.” I reasoned. It was always going to be futile to negotiate with someone this self-absorbed, though. He reeked of protagonist syndrome. Despite everything he’s done, he still believes himself to be the tragic hero.
“You’re wrong, Salamander. One of us is dying tonight.” As he said ‘us’, he gestured downwards towards Carissa’s home. “It’s the only way it ends.” Seemingly at will, his gloves flickered with electricity. I flinch a bit at the crackle of electricity but shake off the apprehension. Now isn’t the time to be hesitant.
I eyed the remote and him carefully, and there didn’t seem to be another way to change his mind about what he was about to do. By the end of tonight, it’s either him, or everyone in the building. And either way, I don’t win. I take my own deep breath of air, the taste and scent of rain tickling my senses.
He doesn’t move. He looks at his watch and lets me see it from across the rooftop. Either he knows my senses are better or he’s making an educated guess about my powers. It’s 7.57 P.M. I get it, he has no interest in Rose right now. I doubt he’s had any ever since he found out my truth. He wants the Salamander, and I’m inclined to give him the fight he so desperately craves.
“I’m sorry.” I say loud enough for him to hear. “Blaze up, Sol.” I rarely say it out loud, in fact this may be my first time. It’s not a command to transform here, it’s a threat. His eyes widen and have a gleam of hunger in them, like he’s been waiting for this moment his whole life.
The transformation is eerily painless. Like wearing an old well fitting suit, I donned the pitch black armour I was known for. My tail wriggled in the air, like the head of a king cobra it rose above me to stare down my prey.
He eyed the transformation. Then he howled with laughter.
“God, between you and me, who’s more monstrous, do you think? Everyone hates me even if they don’t know it! But somehow, with zero evidence, even evidence to the absolute contrary, so many people are scared of you! Arguably, you’ve almost done nothing wrong and to so many of these… people, you’re a freak! The monster!” The rant was maniacal. Every word flickered in and out. He composed himself and stared me down with the eyes of a hunter.
“But behind your monstrous look is someone like me: another failure about to let down everyone.” Ashen quipped, posturing for a fight.
“And behind your monstrous look is a dead man.” I snarled back.
He laughed.
“Sweet Salamander, there are so many dead men behind me.”He gestured at the remote, the grand prize sitting beside him like a trophy waiting to be taken home by the winner.
“Go on, come get it.”