The dinner table is deafeningly quiet. There’s light clinks as our spoons touch our plates of rice and the sound of heavy swallowing. The smell of fish was dampened by a muffling stress.
Everyone knows what happened today. And everyone knows I was at Orchard when it happened. The hugs my parents gave me couldn’t wipe the memory of the burnt body in my arms from the afternoon. They applied medication to a bruise I didn’t even know I had on my cheek. Watching the colour be sapped from my mother’s face as she saw it made me wish I was normal. There was little point in medication, I’ll heal it in no time. But I liked the feeling of being loved.
Carissa called me in tears, making sure I was okay. I finally picked up after the 26th call. I managed to stifle my tears and put years of drama club to use, feigning safety and security. She went home safely, spending the rest of the day in her room crying.
“I was so scared, Rose. So scared. I can’t go back out like that. I can’t. I can’t. You- you left me.”
“The- the crowd was crazy there was-”
“I saw you stand still! Are you insane? Rose, sweetheart, I’m an idiot, not stupid. You left me! Come on, what’s going on?”
“I-I went to help! I went to call the fire department and like, I went to go see the… thing. You know? And that’s after I got stuck there, I swear! Please, on my life, I swear!” I lied so easily you’d think it was part of my powers. If I wasn’t her best friend, I would have been hung up on.
“Okay,” she sighed, sniffling. “We’ll talk about this another time okay? It-it sucks, let’s just rest up. I love you.”
“I love you too.” That was the first time I didn’t lie during this call. The silence that remained after the call was all I deserved, not her compassion.
If my phone wasn’t worth three of my allowances, I might have tossed it on the ground. The glass would have shattered and fluttered around the room. If it wasn’t the home I lived in, I’d have burnt it all to cinders. Would have, would have, would have. In reality, I did nothing but stand there, an empty husk of a person.
“Rose, are you okay?” My Ma’s sweet voice penetrates my reverie.
“Yes.” I lied.
“Do you need to talk? It’s- my own daughter. Twice. Almost blown up. I-I wish I could just lock you up here! So I- we know if, you’re, you’re you know, worried. We can talk.” I can feel her body heat rise as she laughed darkly. Twice, as far as she knows, her daughter almost died for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
“After school, just come straight home, okay? It’s- it’s not safe. The gahmen say they finding the guy behind this, they just don’t know who yet.” There’s a shakiness in Pa’s voice, a tremor in his vocal chords.
“They don’t know?”
“You didn’t know? There's been no security footage of Lucky Plaza since yesterday.” The hairs on my body stand at the revelation. So he got away. Disgusting. And what would I tell the police? There was a guy no one else saw in a costume that fully covered him. What a nothing statement.
“It’s the damn Salamander.” My ears perk up at Chris’ words. “He was at two bombings. How haven’t we caught this guy? He’s a giant fucking lizard right? Like, how have we not caught him?"
“We don’t know if he did that. There’s no witness report or- and no one asked him.” I quietly argue, pointlessly poking at my fish."
“Oh come on, Mei, he’s dangerous! Two terrorist attacks, same guy shows up at both, ‘saves’ some people but leaves more injured or worse. Seriously, fuck this guy, he’s a threat!.”
“He saved people! Everyone saw him bring the boy out and talk to the firemen! I fucking saw it! He’s not-” My eyes could be bloodshot for all I know. The eerie silence of the dinner table signals to me that I’ve majorly fucked up. The grandfather clock ticks in the background.
A timebomb for catastrophe.
“Rose, please, calm down. Chris, don’t be like that here…” Ma says quietly before sipping her soup, trying her hardest to keep the peace at the dinner table. I wonder if she’s slept well or at all, considering her eyebags are heavier than the norm.
“We don’t know what he’s capable of! Mei could have died! What if she di-”
“Chris!”
“What?! How is that wrong? You trust this guy? He’s a literal monster! Catch this guy and trial him, don’t let him get away with this!”
Gor says in a raised tone, not receiving the same push back I got from Ma or Pa. Sol’s telling me to shut up, that I can be the bigger person and let it go. But I can’t.
“Get away with what?! Saving people! He fucking saved people! Three people will go home to see their families today because of him!” My voice shook, not like a tremble but like an earthquake. I looked at everyone at the table. My family. Possibly even my enemies. If they knew who I was, then what?
I can taste my own heart. It’s bitter and spicy, hateful and tearful. The grandfather clock acts like a metronome, keeping us on beat. I don’t think my family has ever heard me shout. The room has gone cold.
“You’re such a fuckwit. Why the hell would he blow up a building just to save people? Maybe he’s being targeted? Ever consider that? Law student my ass, guilty until proven innocent?!”
“Girl-” My Pa begins to speak, but I cut him off before he can do it to me.
“Forget it, I’m done.” I take my half eaten plate and dump it in the sink, storming off to my room. I’ve heard far too many cries and calls today for the ones behind me to matter.
‘Rose. What he said wasn’t true.’ Sol tells me.
‘Look, I know, but you can feel it can’t you? How I feel right now?’
‘White hot. I empathise but-’
‘But what? Should I have killed them too? Should I have burned Gor’s skin off his body, roast him like a chicken? Seems like you’re down to kill the people against us!’
‘Do not compare your flesh and blood to the literal terrorist, child.’
‘Child?! I’m-’
‘An infant to me. You know I’m far older than you are.’
‘And in all your age and wisdom, you can’t think of a better way to go about this than us murdering him? If he is Ashen, he’s only 18!’
‘So were the people he killed.’
The telepathic argument comes to a halt when I flop onto my bed. I want to make a noise into my pillow, maybe a groan or a scream, but nothing comes out. There’s a small gap of silence. It’s just enough time for us to cool down. Enough time to fully process the weight of murder.
‘I’m sorry. You’re completely right. There- there could have been a better way. But I let my rage consume me.’ Sol breaks the silence in my head, a tinge of remorse washing over us.
‘I- look. I’m sorry for yelling, and- it's not... like I don't wish that guy was... gone. But, it’s- like I’m- I’m 18. The biggest concerns in my life right now should be whether or not my crush likes me back and if I can finish my essay in time. Not whether or not I can morally take a life, or how I should hunt down a terrorist.’ I flip over and stare at the ceiling, my mattress dragging me inwards as if lying on a cloud.
‘I want to stop him. But please, you gotta understand. It’s so much more than simply snapping his neck or something.’
‘I understand. We-I won’t suggest it lightly again. I clouded your judgement and almost ended you too. If it weren’t for me, you may have saved even one more person. I was too intent on… judgement.’
Faintly, I can still hear the grandfather clock, but only because I’m straining my ears to keep listening. The constant panic of the ticking makes me feel awake. I no longer feel whole without a bit of anxiety in me.
‘That is not all that is bothering you, partner. Between your family and my recklessness, there’s more that bothers you.’ Right, they have some level of mind reading.
‘Yeah, there’s a lot of that going around.’ I half expect a tear to come out of my eye, but nothing does.
‘Loss is inevitable, partner. We will move past it.’ They say, trying their best to add sympathy to their words. But I recognise something familiar in his tone: they’re very, very tired, it takes a concentrated effort for them to cover up the unadulterated exhaustion and fatigue. They can’t hide anything from me. Frankly, neither can I.
‘I let everyone down, Sol. And most of that everyone thinks I’m the guy who blew up Lucky Plaza and Pandan Beach.’ It’s not like Sol doesn’t already know how I feel, but it was as though my brain was being squished and all the thoughts just came gushing out.
‘Heavy is the head that wears the crown, Rose.’ I stare up at the empty ceiling in darkness, wondering when this weight can be lifted.
‘You saw their bodies. We held them. They’re so frail. So light.’ I’ve never held another person like that since I got my powers. When I held that body, it was like a hollow shell with how little it weighed to me. When I flipped over the bomber, it was like throwing around a paper mache human. They all felt so vulnerable, helpless.
‘They aren’t like us, Sol. Not a single person in that building could survive or do what I can and did. Only I could have saved everyone, Sol. And I fucked it all up. How do I live with that guilt, that they died on my watch, my responsibility?’
The emptiness where their voice used to be does not go unnoticed by me. The negative space grew until it was filled by their reply.
‘It’s not your fault. Let’s not forget our masked friend with the scar. He’s our likely culprit.’
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‘Not to the country. How the hell did he even escape? The most paranoid country in the world, surveillance everywhere and we let him leave?’
‘I could ask the same question as to how we never get caught as the Salamander.’ Their voice was a mix of curiousity and snark, like wanting to know how you got a trivial injury.
‘Fine. But we don’t stand a better chance tracking him than anyone else in the country. It’s hopeless, Sol.’ Before this, I didn’t know I could mutter in my inner monologue. I kept it quiet, not wanting to confront the truth that we had an excellent shot of finding them.
‘Your people are in danger, partner.’
I had to ask. They’ve been living in my head for months now and I never bothered to ask about Sol’s life. I figured if they were going to open up to me, they would. But after today, I need to know what drives them. What makes them want to kill. What motivates that banal utilitarianism, that makes killing the first option? What drives them to save others with me?
‘Why do you care?’
‘Why wouldn’t I?’ They asked rhetorically.
‘No, seriously, Sol. If I die, you don’t have a host right? What happens then? You don’t seem concerned about it, since you encourage all my thrills and rescues. I could have died at Pandan Beach, or today in combat. Why do you… care about us, humans?’
There’s hesitation. As if I asked a question I shouldn’t have. A question they have never thought about until now. I can mentally picture Sol gulping down, wiggling their tail nervously.
‘I’m repenting.’ Sol answers as if that answers anything. It leaves me with more questions than before.
‘Explain.’ I don’t mean to be rude but my curiosity had been piqued.
‘I never got to save my partner and child on my planet.’ They say with the same casual tone as if it’s Zhen Rong telling me about how a run went.
‘As a scientist, I worked in what was akin to space travel. Before the planet could explode, I had managed to prepare one escape pod for one salamandra to leave. It was to be my child. When you’re a parent, your first priority is always your child.’ I thought back to my mother and father, who would have loved to lock me up in my room forever until the threat had passed. The look in their eyes, like they were seeing a ghost instead of me.
‘So what happened? Why are you the one in my head and not some spunky teen?’ I asked with a little sass. They chuckled nostalgically.
‘First off, they were an adolescent by our standards. Secondly, they were a very shy child.’ Sol replied softly, a vague image of their child forming in my head.
‘The calibrations weren’t right for a child. The amount of food necessary for a child of my species was the equivalent to ten times what an adult like myself or my partner needed, and I didn’t account for that in my haste of preparation. By the time I realised, I couldn’t gather the resources needed. That was the moment I realised that in less than an hour, my child would die. Because of my carelessness, I failed at science, the only thing I couldn’t fail. And thus, I failed my child.' The severity and weight was a monument to this failure.
'They were wonderful, Rose. I still dream of the songs they used to sing to us.’ I felt my mouth go dry and my eyes get damp. The back of my neck has a scorching pain I can’t ignore. I think this may be the first time Sol has ever spoken or articulated any thoughts relating to their family. Their world before me. I always assumed they had a family or loved ones of some kind, but I never had confirmation until now. So much love that has nowhere to go that it found a home in pain.
It has become painfully obvious now that despite what I’ve been told, Sol has never truly come to terms with the death of their child.
‘My partner insisted I should go. I insisted otherwise. I let my guard down in a frenzied panic and they forced me into the ship, a breath of flame that pushed me into the pod. If I had potent fire manipulation, perhaps I could have fought them back into it. If I was born right.’ Unbearable sorrow choked my lungs. Our emotions are interlinked, their sadness bleeds into mine causing uncontrollable despair to well up in my body, culminating in tears I weep that aren’t even mine. The imagery in my head was vivid, of a planet on the verge of destruction and a desperate parent wanting to save their child or spouse, only to be forced into saving themselves instead, someone who was never supposed to survive.
‘I was the only one who got out before my planet turned into cosmic dust. No other ship was prepared, the resources for space travel were insufficient for everyone. Our leaders hesitated on our course of action for too long and in the end nothing was done in time. Only I, working alone and in secret, managed to save anyone. Unfortunately, the most pathetic of us all was the only one saved. I left alone, on a voyage to a foreign planet with potential hosts, with my last memories before I fell into hypersleep being my partner embracing my child before being reduced into nothingness.’
I can’t think of anything to say.
I can’t imagine the pain of losing everything, knowing indecision killed your whole species. That they were forced off a dying planet instead of being the first one to say good-bye. I say the first things that come to mind.
‘It’s not your fault.’
‘But it feels that way.’
There’s a whir in our collective consciousness, like our minds spun and merged together to finally truly comprehend one another. I think I get them now, and vice versa.
‘So Rose, I get it. I understand what it means to be unable to protect everyone in your life. I know the guilt that comes with living through the crises others die from.’ Their woeful words heavily crashed down onto my heart.
‘That’s why I want to fight by your side. Because you’re doing what I couldn’t. Protecting your loved ones. I believe in what you do.’
The image of that young salamandra still crept around in my mind.
‘I’m really sorry. About what happened.’
‘Don’t be.’
It’s quiet, but Sol hasn’t left my mind. There’s a quiet contemplation buzzing around in my head, and I’m not sure whose it is. I’m sucking the air through my teeth subconsciously, disquiet creeping in on me.
‘What were their names?’ I ask without thinking. An occurrence that's far too common nowadays.
‘My spouse was named Mata. My child, Ty.’ By giving them names, we’ve brought them to life once more. The life Sol and I live now carries their collective dreams and hopes for my parasitic friend. He answered brightly, like talking about the glow of the sun. I thought of how the families will talk of the victims today, keeping their memories and will alive.
‘Those are beautiful names. I would have loved to meet them.’
'Hah, you'd Ty's unofficial pibling.' I didn't recognise the word, but got the gist of it from his longing tone.
Thoughts of burnt bodies and shattered planets swarm my mind. I can’t let this guy hurt anyone else again again. Sol's entire race perished, giving me the power and chance to, just maybe, stop people here from dying.
'Let's find this guy.'
‘Agreed.'
"Rose." Gor's voice abruptly pierces my door. I don’t bother replying.
"I'm sorry about the dinner table. I never even asked if you were okay."
"I am." Once again, I lied.
“Okay. I know, that, um, young people, like you, um, really look up to him. Because he’s a superhero right? It’s cool in the movies, I-I know that.” The fluster in his voice is near condescending, like he’s struggling to find the words to explain complex concepts to a child.
“But here in real life? He’s a dangerous vigilante! No one can- y’know, account for this guy. Like, the police right, say what you will about the law, but at least the government checks them right?”
“This guy can do whatever he wants to because no one’s checking him. It’s dangerous! I’m sorry, okay? I know that, ah, you probably look up to him. But… he’s a monster. You can’t trust these vigilantes to do the right thing all the time. Who knows, right? Maybe if this guy didn’t exist, we wouldn’t even have these attacks. If he’s being targeted like you said, then he’s the reason the rest of us pay the price.”
He’s not wrong. That’s worse than any false accusation he’s made. My very existence endangers everyone around me. But why can’t I simply be myself the way I am without being hunted down, how is this hostility even my fault?
That doesn’t matter though. Whether it’s my fault or not is irrelevant to families who will never see their daughters again. Or their mothers. All the relationships built up over time, the love and energy poured into one another obliterated in an afternoon. Just casualties in our war, a statistic for the news to report on.
“It’s- it’s been a long day. Good night, Mei. I love you.”
He doesn’t.
‘He does.’ Sol pleads with a bit of desperation.
‘He can’t love me, because he doesn’t love us.’ I tell Sol firmly. They leave my head for a bit, and I’m allowed to stew in the quiet of it all. I scroll through my phone only to find that all over Twitter, Instagram, Reddit, the Salamander and the Lucky Plaza attack are all anyone wants to talk about. People are already creating narratives about me, calls to action. There was a parliament debate that went on about the state of vigilantism (not calling me out directly: but hey. Who else fills that role?). Not everyone blames me, but I think everyone is well within their right, and sensible enough, to be afraid of me. I’m capable of grand destruction: after all, one of the explosions was caused by me.
There’s a speech planned by our Prime Minister set for tomorrow, about terror, about me, about New Singapura’s defences. Great, now I am the politics. This is exhausting. None of this is my fault. I didn’t do anything to catalyse these attacks! It’s just… so tiring.
My phone rings in my hand, and I pick up the moment the first word of the contact appears.
“Hello? Rosie? You okay?”
“Zhen Rong? Why? What’s up?”
“You’re not replying to messages for one. For two, you were in the ‘splash zone’ today. For three, Carissa was freaking out to me. Look, I love Carrie, but she should be freaking out to you. So forget what’s up with me, what’s up with you, dawg?” It hurts a little to know Carissa doesn’t feel safe enough to freak out to me right now.
“Why do you care about me?” The words slip out before I can even think about it. If he were my boyfriend I’d get it. If he didn’t reject me a few days ago I’d understand. But why is he-
“Are you for real? Dude. You’re my friend. We don’t need to be dating or like… y’know, whatever ah. I care about you man. A lot. I called Ashen to, to make sure he was okay. Even he was freaking out. Orchard Road was on Carrie’s social media stories today, we know you two were there. We… we were so worried.” There’s hurt in his voice that is immediately overshadowed by the sorrow. The fear. Like there’s a colony of ants crawling on my skin, I shudder.
Nausea overtakes me. I feel so stupid. Of course he cares. That’s the type of person he is.
“Sorry. You’re right, that’s… yeah. Of course. I’m okay. I promise. I’m fine, it’s just- yeah. Is Carissa okay?”
“You tell me, dude! Why’d you run off?”
“I didn’t I-” I stop myself short. What do I even say here? The same lie I told her? A new lie? When do the lies stop?
“You didn’t what? Run off? Hey, I’m trying to listen here. It’s you, Rosie. You and her are joined at the hip! Have been since secondary school! What’s up man, seriously?”
I’m not ready for the next question.
“Do you hate us? Did we do something? Did she do something? She- Carissa asked me that! Bro, if you’ve got something going on, just tell us! I-I don’t have to be your boyfriend to listen to you. You’re a friend! She’s your best friend!” The fuzziness of the phone call layers over his voice. It’s not firm, it’s shaky and pained. Like cracks in a marble statue.
“I know!” I yell.
I hung up.
‘Blaze up, Sol.’
I’m so tired of being Rose. Being hunted, powerless, nothing I can do. I let haunting pain envelop me and became myself. Welcome back, Salamander.
‘Sol.’
‘Yes, partner?’
‘This superhero business. All this strength we have. These powers.’ I clench my now fully healed hand. It’s like my fingers were never broken. I came out of that disaster nearly unscathed.
‘What about them?’
‘When do they start being enough? When do we start being enough?’
I’m out the window before they can answer - they don’t anyways.