When Monday rolled back around, things were very different.

We were scanned at the entrance, students crammed together to be checked for bombs or salamanders. Assembly started late that day, many students getting caught in the massive cluster near the side gates of school. It was like being in a banal nightmare, being constricted by the serpentine body of the student population. Steps turned to shuffling across the ground, various teachers helping the security guard manage the logistical and emotional aspect of heightened security.

“It’s so dumb, what kind of JC student will have bomb?”

“Probably some parents complain lo. No choice.”

“Wouldn’t the teachers need to be checked too? I swear, Mr. Adams is most likely to kill us all one day.”

My super senses make me a fantastic eavesdropper, though it was hard to filter any useful conversation from the noise of speculation and gossip. By the time I went through the process, which thankfully does not identify symbiotes, I was in the concourse. Some teachers were there to wave, smile and direct students to the hall. There was no indication of restricted movement, but anyone who tried to go elsewhere other than the hall was questioned and without a valid reason, sent up there.

As luck would have it, my favourite pixie cut wielding teacher feigned a smile and asked me to go to the hall. I wanted to stay there and chat, maybe hand in my essay. But clearly, it was not the time. I’d be surprised if she got a moment of respite over the weekend, worrying not only about herself but also about her students. It’s a real problem with “good teachers”, your kids’ problems start to become your own. A long time ago I wouldn’t have been able to understand, now I empathise perfectly.

“Rose!” Carissa was already seated when I made it to the hall. Pulled by an absolute magnetism, I was pulled directly into her arms. I wrapped myself around her fully, basking in her body heat and getting a whiff of her shampoo. Tearing up, I buried my face into her shoulder.

“You’re okay.” I whispered into her, squeezing even tighter. She gasped and I pulled back, realising how much strength I put into that hug. If I was the Salamander at that moment, I’d probably have suffocated her with that kind of strength. Hell, I could probably still do it as Rose.

“I’m okay.” She looked at me tenderly, looking into my mind through my eyes. She and I did the exact same thing, we just wanted to make sure the other was alive.

“You’re okay.” I repeated again, the undiluted ocean of relief filling me and warming my core. She giggled, and I sat down next to her, my face never once looking away.

“Hey, you’re way more eloquent than that. Come on, we’re okay, okay? It’s been so hard. I know.” This time, she pulled me in directly and I felt my body go limp at her touch, flinging myself into the safety of her arms. She was never a particular muscular girl, but at that moment even her frail arms felt so very strong.

“I know stuff has been… rough, lately. For you. But no matter what, even if we aren’t as… close as we used to be,” she reluctantly said those words out loud, desperately trying to avoid materialising its truth into reality. “I’m here for you, okay?” She placed one hand on my back and another digging through the front pouch of my bag, pulling out my purple heart necklace.

“As long as you got this, then I’m always with you okay? I know you’ve been less- not as around me as you used to be. And what happened near Lucky Plaza maybe… maybe you feel bad! Or something! But like, don’t, okay? I know, stuff, happens, okay yeah, so if things happen to you I get it! I don’t think any less of you for it. But if something happens, talk to me about it, okay? Whenever you’re ready. Because we’re friends.” She smiled, placing the necklace into my palm, petting my head. In that moment, I felt so unworthy of even being in her presence, much less her kindness. All my attention was focused onto the heart in my hand, denying myself the joy of looking at my best friend.

“Carissa.” The word was hoarse.

“Do you think that… I’m doing the right thing?” I asked, being as vague as possible. I don’t know why I was asking that. She wouldn’t know who I was asking this on behalf of, or the real problem I was facing.

“Rose, you did the best you could. I don’t know what this is all about, but if you think you did your best then… I think you did the right thing lah. And I know you’ll keep doing the right thing.” She held my hands and looked me in the eye, so confidently and so full of kindness, that you’d be forgiven for thinking she was the superhero. It was likely the truth too.

“Yo, ladies!” Zhen Rong waved to us as he walked in, striding over as if it were a normal morning. He dumped his bag down carelessly, almost falling to the ground. He pat Carissa on the back and gave me a finger gun as he sat down, buzzing with life in spite of everything going on.

That sort of energy is infectious, we inhaled it and it flowed through our endocrine system. It was exhilarating, not just because any kind of levity would have helped, but because it was him. I didn’t ruin my friendship with him because I was love drunk for a moment.

“You guys okay?”

“Yeah, we’re great.” I gave a return smile, and I really meant it. I was okay.

Classes were cut much shorter than usual, since the looming threat of terrorism in a country touted for its ‘safety’ tends to put everyone on edge. Midway through the day it began to rain, and I’ve never seen so many young adults panic at the crackle of thunder. Try as I might, I could not make the clouds part and the sun shine again.

“Here.” I said, as students trailing into class filled the gaps between remaining rainfall as I handed my essay in to Ms Tnee. She pulled back, her chair skidding back a bit as her face turned into one of amusement.

“Some kids hand in work a day late, maybe a week, you’re the first to hand it in two bombings later.” It was gallows humour, but there wasn’t malice. Her eyes stroked the words on the page and she nodded along to the rhythm of my sentences.

“Well, hopefully I’m the last of that category.”

“Hope so!” She sighed. “Thank you.”

Pushing against the heaviness of the world, I skipped back to my seat next to Zhen Rong.

“She looks a bit happier.”

“Does she?”

“Yeah, you probably helped her like, y’know, see maybe the world’s not ending. Like, she’s probably thinking about her own safety and the safety of her family and probably ours. She’s a teacher ah, she probably got a bunch of calls and meetings and messages about protocols on safety and what she can and cannot say- but hey, she still gets essays from her star pupil. Maybe that’s something you can’t really fault for enjoying.”

Shock ravaged me when he put his hand on mine for a moment. I wanted to pull back, but the moment I realised it was his I stayed put. It was tender, I’ve had the luxury of tenderness recently and I’m intoxicated on the feeling, so I stayed still.

“I never really gave you an answer that day.”

“You don’t have to, it’s oka-”

“Nah, it’s okay. I got it. I- I can’t date you again, because of the same reason you’re talking about. Yeah, life is wild. Yeah, terrorism is a new fear of mine and there’s a world where you and Carrie go to Lucky Plaza five minutes earlier and no one’s next to me today. So you gotta understand that like, I just- wanna keep things as is. I just wanna be a bit, stable. I guess. I don’t wanna do anything weird and like, yeah. I don’t know, do you get it?”

I did. So I nodded. I didn’t even realise I was wiping a tear until he offered me a tissue. We never brought it up again, and I think I told him it was okay, that I was having a visceral reaction but didn’t want to be left alone. The words coming out of my mouth played second fiddle to the words in my head, so I did not hear the former as they came out.

'You can talk, y'know.'

'You are having a moment. I did not want to interrupt.' Sol responded, careful with their words.

'Do you think I'm crazy? For crying over this? For even caring? For wanting something because I can't have it anymore? He wants stability, I can’t live without the turbulence, why am I even crying about it?'

'I think you are grieving, partner. Over what could have been. I don't think that's foolish.'

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‘It’s like losing out on both the past and the future. I don’t know. It… it’s so stupid.’A pause in conversation. The smell of rain water made me feel like sinking into my chair and never coming back up.

'The feelings are real, Rose.’ They speak after a while. ‘You want different things, you want important things. Just because you are young does not make your problems any less important: they’re yours.'

'Have you... ever had to deal with something like this?' I ask, then immediately regret it. Of course they did. Their planet blew up.

‘I think about my family every day, of the life that could have been if life were fair. If life went my way.' There's an incredibly solemn air to the words, like ghosts are haunting every syllable. Destructive anger begins to boil inside me, like a viscous liquid that spreads through my veins and taints the memory of who they were before they were me. The tormenting fury inside me bubbles like a boiling cauldron, a last minute strike of thunder became the manifestation of that fury.

'I'm sorry, Sol. That's probably a lot harder than a stupid teenage love.'

‘Do you think I’m a fool for caring about a planet that doesn’t exist anymore, of a life I can never relive?’

‘No! Of course not- I’m sorry I even-’

‘Then don’t think of yourself a fool for caring about a relationship that doesn’t exist anymore. I am not an idiot, I understand the scale is not the same. The destruction of my home and species is not the same as your loss, but both are loss, and both should be respected, should they not?’

Our minds are linked in a way I can’t adequately explain, like a second conscience that comes and goes, but I can at least feel when Sol’s quiet but present. My chest tightens. Their words wrap around my lungs and make it hard to breathe.

‘You are not an idiot for caring.’

I started to tear again, and again Zhen Rong gave me tissues, thinking it was because of him. It was, but this time also not. The discussion about Macduff was muffled by the snot in my nose, as I internalised the words of my partner.

A couple more minutes of class and it’s dismissal time. Even the school had to have some empathy, kids were shaken by the events, and deservedly so. As I left school with Carissa and Zhen Rong, we walked past the memorial of two students who didn’t make it out of the Lucky Plaza attack. Shame swelled inside of me. The three of us stopped there and looked. Zhen Rong isn’t religious, at least anymore, so it surprised me to see him pray in front of the memorial. The boards weren’t shiny nor bursting with colour, no one planned to make a memorial after all, it was made from whatever students and staff could scrounge together.

The memorial was a large piece of construction paper, with some post it notes pasted on. From teachers, from students. There was some makeshift photos printed for the memorials, clearly printed in the computer lab rather than anywhere professional: no one came to school today expecting a seat made empty just like that, so no one could prepare anything.

I didn’t recognise their faces. I couldn’t have, every day here I swear I saw new faces. But now I’d never forget them. I’m really sorry, Heng Xian and Abi- I should have done more for you two. There was no way I could have known, nor would I have prioritised them even if I did. Apparently, Heng Xian was one of our best strikers in football and Abi was a phenomenal student, working on higher level biology research already.

There was shame in feeling at peace. That I dared to find closure today. Because I wasn’t good enough, these innocent people died. They would have likely done as much if not more than me. But wrong place, wrong time. One day of thrifting turns to death.

I wonder what I would have said to Abi’s boyfriend, crying nearby with friends trying to console him. If I were stronger, braver, maybe I’d stop him from punching the floor. His knuckles were getting bruised. Zhen Rong walked over, picking him up and embracing him. I watched the back of Zhen Rong’s shirt get drenched.

Carrie soaked in all the names of people who wrote cards. Every life touched by another, a memory immortalised into words. Some people did not know them personally, but they were a fellow student, fellow human. That was enough.

“They were really loved.”

“Yeah.” The two of us just stared at the monument to human life in awe. It was so tiny, but the space it enveloped was larger than all of us.

“I’m sorry.” I whispered quietly to the rainbow of post-its on the board, hoping their spirits would hear me. That they’d forgive me for not being good enough.

‘Rose.’

‘I know, we can’t save everyone. I get it. I know what happened isn’t our fault. Directly, anyways. Still, I hate seeing everyone hurt when maybe I could have stopped it all. We just gotta… make sure next time, at least one more person is saved. One less person who needs a memorial.’

‘But for now.’ I wrote my own post-its, sending generic condolences. Rose didn’t know these people, after all. Even still, I tried to use as full of a name as I could. To immortalise their names. That was my personal love.

Zhen Rong came back, silently indicating we could go. The boy he consoled heaved heavily, but stood back up composed. Carissa finished pasting her post-it on the board and joined up with us as we walked away.

“You knew him?” I asked.

“Knew him through Ashen. They’re both in the Math and Science club, he loved Abi a lot…” He choked on his words, not really sure how to handle this. It’s a friend of a friend’s girlfriend, but even seeing that loss right in front of you has to weigh on you.

“Wish I could have helped more. He shouldn’t- I don’t know. I feel so… powerless.” He lamented to himself, leaving me to eavesdrop in. I empathised, but couldn’t let him know. There was a lot of that going around. Some of the notes wish they had attended Heng Xian’s recent game against a rival school, others wished they were there with Abi for her birthday thrifting trip.

“We… should just be nice to people. What else can we do?” Carissa asked, staring into blank space.

“I don’t know. More, somehow. It’s not like it’s his fault but- I just wish the Salamander saved more people.”

“Me too.” I said, careful not to say ‘us’.

“H-hey, speaking of…where’s Ashen? Rose, Zhenny, did you see him? He’s not replying to messages…”

“Nah, I think he’s sick or somethin’. Didn’t see him anywhere, no classes or anything. I’ll give him a call?” He asked rhetorically, pulling out his phone and video calling Ashen. The phone rings for a bit, until the screen brightens up with his face close to the camera. The call starts off fuzzy but stabilises, until his image is clear.

“Hey man, you good?”

“Yeah, don’t worry! Everything’s great just y’know, not feeling great, threw up this morning, let my parents see it so they’d have to let me stay home…”

In another life, I’d focus on Zhen Rong laughing and joking with him. Maybe I’d hear the conversation he was having with Carissa, the kind that makes her nod and makes her voice pitch upwards. I’d listen to the discussion about what he missed today, about the putrid taste of medicine he had to take in order to feel functional enough to take this call. Some of this call would have registered in my head properly.

But not in this life. All I can focus on is the tiny burn mark near his eye. The same as the assailant in Lucky Plaza. The same colour of eye as the one in Lucky Plaza, a piercing blue. The quality of the video camera makes it look muted. Listening to Carissa speak followed by him is like the voice of an angel talking to the devil.

‘Rose.’

‘I know.’ We’ve known for a while now. It’s another thing to see it for ourselves.

“Hey, Rosie there?” His tone is the same as it was before, the words continued to float in spite of the exhaustion behind them. But the sound overlapped with the choking and groaning of the terrorist from Lucky Plaza, distorting his sound into something sinister. The past overlaid with the present.

“Yeah. I am.” I answer, trying not to have a panic attack.

“How are ya? Didn’t hear from you yet.”

“I’m good. Fine.” My heart is threatening to break free of my ribs, fire about to leak from my palms. The expression I’m wearing is vaguely neutral, but the breaths I’m taking go deep into my core.

“Great, nice. Yeah, you were at Lucky Plaza that day right? You’re not injured or anything?”

“I wasn’t in Lucky Plaza. I was… in the area. But not in it.”

“Yeah! We got separated when the explosions started!” Carissa chimed, leaning over the phone like a child leans over the lion exhibit at the zoo.

“Oh, you guys got split, right right. Glad you guys are okay, mm? It could have been much worse, couldn’t it.” His expression became unreadable. He clearly was imagining that day as vividly as I was, but I couldn’t tell if he was regretful about it or nostalgic.

“Yeah, it could have been worse.”

Ashen smiled grotesquely. Or perhaps it was in my head. A gust of wind blew by, had it been any stronger I would have been blown away. I’m much lighter than I think I am.

“Salamander couldn’t save like, fifteen people that day, but he could save my dad! How fortunate.” Malice dripped from each word, his eyes clearly aimed at the part of his phone screen that contained me.

“Ashen, come on man…” Zhen Rong groaned, trying to tame his friend. I didn’t respond.

“Aiya, you all know how bullshit it is.” The facade of joy dropped, here it felt like I saw Ashen. For the first time. The frown was deranged, a storm of thoughts forming a devastating tornado of anger in his head. This was what Ashen really was, he was angry and hurt. Thus, he sought to make the world the same.

“Whatever, I gotta take meds and just… sleep this off. I’ll see y’all soon!” The mask went back up and we all waved, ending the call.

Zhen Rong and Carissa tried to talk to me, to talk among themselves, to continue on the day as if it were normal, but it all turned into meaningless ringing in my head.

‘Rose…’

‘I know. We’re gonna stop him.’

‘No, you don’t know. You weren’t listening. I was.’

‘What’s going on?’

‘You didn’t hear it. Ashen visited Carissa over the weekend. Her house.’

The grandfather clock ticks in my house. Today, rain fell and patters created a rhythm on the pavement. And in Carissa’s home, a timebomb for catastrophe. I wanted to scream, to shout at my best friend not to go home today. Just stay outside. Then my phone buzzed with a message.

‘You know. I know. Don’t say a word. I’ll come to school tomorrow, let’s talk then. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, it might blow up in someone’s face.’

And just like that, a cobra coiled around my throat and bit at my neck, injecting a venom that silenced me. The taste of iron floods my mouth, my vision blurs. The screams of Lucky Plaza surrounded me, the shape of Gabriel’s body wrapped around my tail came flashing back.

Carissa is going to die.