Chapter 42 - A Heart of Fire
Memories of days long gone flashed by Adam. Trapped in the relentless ability of Worhaelis, he was forced to relive moments as clearly as the days they had happened.
Suddenly, he was sitting at a table with Caine in the Three Toads Inn, after everyone else had already left. They were in their early twenties again. Adam’s hands, with freshly bandaged knuckles, held a big, crudely wrapped package.
Caine eyed it with a reluctant smile and pulled his pipe from his mouth. “You sure about this, man? You know I don’t need anything for my birthday.”
Adam grinned. “Yes, you do. Did you really expect I’d just let you pay my tuition money without giving you a proper thanks?”
“That’s just…” Caine sighed.
Carefully, Adam laid the present down in front of Caine. “Nope, I’m not leaving until you open it.”
After Caine unwrapped a layer, a hunting hawk opened a groggy eye at the sudden source of light.
Adam spread his arms. “Ta-da!”
Caine gawped at the bird. “Is that… the main prize of that crazy underground boxing contest?!” His wide eyes shot towards Adam’s bandaged knuckles and the bruises on his face.
Adam grinned. “Happy birthday, you old bastard.”
The memories changed, and Adam saw Caine and him together in many places. Laughing, hanging around on the couch of the Badger, their old student house in Ziecherhein. Then, he saw himself bandaging Caine’s leg behind a barricade on some nameless battlefield during the War of the Prophet.
Suddenly, was back at his and Catherine’s house in the mountain village. In his chair by the hearth, he gazed lonelily at an old caricature drawing of Caine, Oliver, Emily, and himself, made during one of their nights out. With a tear rolling over his cheek, he thought of the friends he hadn’t seen in years and the gaping void in his heart they’d left. A hole that constantly reminded him of how happy and simple his life used to be.
Oliver and Emily had come back to him, and he was grateful. However, the hole in his life that Caine had left burned deeply within him. The loss of a friendship he would have risked his life for had left his world a barren, lonely place. Ever since the events in Gotterburg, Adam had pushed the feeling away, deep beneath his fury, but its presence would no longer be denied: he missed Caine. He missed the friend that Caine used to be and the warm, simple times they had together.
Suddenly, Adam sat in the grand hall of the Guild of silversmiths. Catherine was ceremoniously granted the rank of master, and Adam applauded loudly, smiling like the proudest husband ever. Then, Adam was back in their fight at Caine’s house. Her furious face was right in front of him.
“GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” she screamed, missing Adam with a kick hard enough to kill.
Tears streamed down Adam’s face and his lip quivered. Why…? Why can’t things be as they used to be?
Yet, he had trouble remembering how exactly things used to be.
Memories of the good old times with Caine were clear as day, just like the scenes from the fight at Caine’s mansion. Every sound, smell, and sight was exactly like the day it had happened. However, the old memories of Catherine and Eric seemed to be strangely blurry and undetailed. There were no smells and all sounds were unclear except for the voices of Catherine and Eric. When Adam applauded Catherine’s new rank, the faces of all the other people in the audience were indiscernible. Even the feeling of loss, of missing them, seemed less intense than he would expect it to be.
What… is happening? Is this Caine’s doing?
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Gradually, the relentless stream of Adam’s memories lessened, and the Node around him came back into view. He was actually grateful for the streaming rain, as it hid the tears on his face.
Adam’s heart burned in pain as if a red-hot iron brand was pressed into it. It left a scorched mark in the shape of the skeletal whale.
“Worhaelis,” Adam’s heart hissed, in a clearer voice than ever. It reminded Adam of the roar of an open fire and the rumbling of an earthquake. Adam grimaced and grabbed his chest. His heart felt scorched and stretched, as if the different brands on it had a will of their own and tried to pull it apart. He gasped as the marks, including half-faded remnants of forgotten ones, were tugging at his heart in different directions.
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Adam took deep breaths and gradually, slowly, the lion’s share of the pain subsided. Although his heart still felt as if it had been burned recently. Oddly enough, it felt like his heart had grown in the process. Its beating sounded slower and more powerful than before.
Adam’s face paled. He panted, still grabbing his chest. That’s… crazy. Did I just give it more power over me than it used to have?
It dawned on Adam that Emily waved a blurry hand in front of his eyes. He blinked until the moving images became one again.
“—dam, Adam? Ah, there he is!” Emily said, her voice sounding like she sat far away instead of beside him. “Welcome back to the epitome of misery, I guess. Are you all right?”
“Oh yes, all people who groan in pain are all right of course!” Oliver shot her a glare before he turned to Adam with a worried expression. “Was it something you saw?”
“No, no,” Adam said, his tongue feeling thick and clumsy. “I’ll be okay. Getting that third brand on my heart was no walk in the park. My heart started whispering again as well…”
Oliver’s eyes widened and shifted towards Adam’s chest. “It what? Whispered?”
Adam sat up with difficulty. “Yeah, don’t worry, it has done that several times before. Like repeating the names of Schultora or Osaehin when I use their Invocations. Or that I should stay alive.”
With ashen faces, Oliver and Emily stared at him. Emily had a mix of cautiousness and worry in her frown. Although a hint of curiosity shone through, Oliver’s blue eyes mainly showed stern disapproval.
Adam waved his hand reassuringly. “Oh, relax, I’m sure that must be normal for those who use Instinct, right?” He laughed uncomfortably as Emily and Oliver kept staring in silence. “Right?”
Oliver slowly shook his head, obviously trying to keep a straight face. “No. I’ve never heard about a heart that could whisper before.”
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The three of them sat down on the roots of the tree together, talking about every detail of Adam’s heart, the whispers, and their memories from Worhaelis. Adam described how blurry the memories with Catherine and Eric had been and how guilty he felt about it. Digging through his memories, it dawned on him how few he had of his time with his family, back in the mountains, and how he only remembered happy times. Squeezing his eyes shut in the effort, he couldn’t remember a single argument with Catherine, or having sleepless nights when they were raising a baby, while moments like that should definitely have occurred.
Scratching his chin, Oliver reasoned that Caine might have tampered with Adam’s recollections of Catherine and Eric, to secure his own bond with them. Although it was hard to be sure, Caine might have failed to remove all memories about them completely, for some reason. Possibly, because Adam’s connection with them was too strong.
At least, Adam hoped it was.
When they talked about Adam’s heart, Oliver kept reminding Adam how important it was to share information. He stubbornly ignored Adam’s arguments that Oliver wanted to stay as far as possible from the ‘Forbidden Arts’.
However, the group couldn’t figure out why or how Adam’s heart whispered. A heart that had developed a separate consciousness was simply unheard of. They did know that users of Instinct gained limited access to the collective memory of all creatures that had lived. But for Instinct itself to communicate so directly to Adam seemed unlikely.
Adam theorised with Emily how he could apply his brand of Worhaelis to form an Invocation. Preferring to dodge that subject, Oliver went to study the Thaler’s town from a distance in the meantime.
Adam and Emily concluded that the underlying concept of Instinct Invocations was to use one’s emotion for a practical purpose. Like using the influence of Osaehin’s fear to evade enemies. Sadness as an emotion could be useful to acknowledge and process hurtful events or to give a signal for help to others. But Adam had trouble linking those insights to forming an Invocation like the cloud that Desdemona had breathed.
Either way, it was pleasant to sit together, being sheltered from the downpour by the enormous tree trunk they leaned on. She’s just a friend, Adam. Nothing more. You’re just confused because Caine dared to mess up your memories with Cath and Eric. And these Crimson Urges don’t make it easier.
Adam took a deep breath and looked up at the rain, having trouble finding the right words. “So, I had a vague impression you and Oliver had an, err… emotionally loaded conversation. How are you feeling?”
Emily chuckled. “Nice understatement there. And I think you have quite a good idea what it was about.” Emily sighed, pulled her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around them. “I feel horrible. I tried so hard not to hurt him... He can be strict of course, but he does that because he worries about us so much. And I do care about him.”
Adam nodded slowly. “Just not in the same way he cares about you.”
“Exactly! He’s a great friend, but I just don’t feel that romantic”—she seemed to be searching for words, snapping her fingers—“spark, you know? And no matter how old we get, that isn’t going to change. So, all I could do was try to tell him as thoughtfully as possible.” Emily rested her chin on her knees and stared into the grey rain. “I actually thought he already understood and had moved on. In several letters we wrote through the years I tried to tell him subtly that I didn’t reciprocate his feelings.”
Adam frowned. “Oof. This runs deeper with him than I thought. Do you think he didn’t get those subtle signs? Or did he refuse to see them?”
Emily closed her eyes and sighed reluctantly. “Maybe I could’ve been clearer, true, it’s just… ugh, I hate situations like this, and I detest confronting people on it even more. I just kinda hoped he’d catch on himself, you know?”
Adam nodded slowly, listening to the calming ruffle of the raindrops around them. “Maybe, after he’s processed this and we’re out of here, we can arrange a date for him with someone we know?”
Emily’s face lit up. “Ohh! Maybe a cosy picnic? I know a nice place in the woods near Gotterburg, at a river, underneath the trees… That would be lovely.” She sneaked a look at Adam’s upper arm before she looked at the rain again.
“Hmm, I think Izabell from back at the Starwing Academy had a thing for him,” Emily continued. “But I doubt she ever dropped a hint that didn’t go over his head. Maybe we—”
The sloshing of water sounded as Oliver walked toward them. He looked up with a forced smile. “I think it’s time we made our way to the pyramid.”