Chapter 12

It Can’t Be Us

“Ky!” Phoenix cries.

Ky exhales, and then draws in another breath. He blinks several times. When he lifts his head, Ky squints and frowns.

“Where…” Ky trails off. He looks down at his forepaws and flexes his toes to unsheathe his claws. He rolls to his stomach. “You found Arcane.”

He smiles, then turns in an uncoordinated movement to find his brother. “You found Arcane, Phoenix.”

“Why do you sound so surprised?” Phoenix returns Ky’s smile.

A grin looks weird on Phoenix’s face, but I guess it’s better than a glare.

“I thought you said you didn’t believe Arcane was still alive.”

“Well, after what you did Arcane was gonna be alive. And if he wasn’t, I was gonna have words with Lucius so they would reconsider their stance on Arcane’s dead status.”

“How did you convince him? I didn’t think he would use the power of Aquarius after what happened with Freedom.”

I gasp. He didn’t?

Phoenix jerks back a step, ears pinning to the sides of his skull. “Wait, you didn’t think Arcane would use his power?”

Grey widens his eyes, and Alex reaches for her pendant to fiddle with it. I press into Brook’s foreleg.

Ky shakes his head.

“Then why the fuck did you summon the Blood Demon?”

Ky chews on his lip and thinks for a minute. He seems to think things over a lot. “I… nothing I can create is real. I can convince anyone of anything, but it’s never real, not like your fire is. Everything I make exists only in others’ minds. The Blood Demon is the only real thing I can make. Alex can see the Blood Demon. Anyone can. I don’t have to make their minds process the illusion in the same way they see the Blood Demon, because everything I create is that— an illusion. Except for the Blood Demon.” Ky presses his muzzle into his foreleg and takes a breath before he keeps talking. “Each illusion takes energy, and so when I saw you being suffocated, Phoenix, I panicked. There was only one way I saw any of us getting out. An illusion to control as many Guard and Soldiers as were in the Field? I didn’t have the energy after the fight. And so I summoned the Blood Demon, even though I knew the cost. I decide what purpose the Blood Demon serves when I summon it. It would do whatever I said. I told it to make a way for us to all safely get out of the Field, and so it ate the Guard and Soldiers. They never could’ve stopped it. The Blood Demon is, arguably, the most powerful thing I can create. But it’s got a cost. The level of power sustained within the Blood Demon is a lot. It cannot be had freely.”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

“Because… because I had the power to. I know you’ve got your fire, but you were being strangled. Brook said she created the Field but could only do it once. The Wolf and the Dove don’t have any big powers like the Blood Demon. They’re just powerful to begin with. I didn’t know about Astra, so it was only me. I had to, Phoenix. We were going to all end up dead.”

“You almost died.”

Ky tilts his head to the side. “Yeah.”

“But you’re back?”

“I’m here, Phoenix.”

Phoenix noses into Ky’s neck, and Ky sits up.

“You’d better be back. Otherwise I’d have to find Arcane.”

Ky laughs. “You don’t have to do that.”

“No, I don’t. You’re right.”

Ky sighs. He runs his cheek over Phoenix’s. “I’m back, Phoenix. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. You got me back, ok?”

“Let’s just get out of here. The cream puff isn’t gonna die himself. He’s gonna need some convincing that I’m gonna give him.” Phoenix pulls away and lashes his tail. “I’m gonna show his heart that it shouldn’t be beating any more, and then I’m gonna set fire to his flesh but never let it deal too much damage, and then I’m gonna scorch his lungs but still let him breathe. I’ll make him know every little thing he’s done.”

“He will know,” Ky replies as he follows his brother.

“Where are we going?” I ask.

Phoenix looks back over his shoulder. “You are gonna go wherever Brook tells you to.”

“Phoenix, try again,” Ky snaps. “That wasn’t very nice and I know you didn’t mean that.”

“Ky and I are leaving. We’re not repeating what happened in the Field.”

Ky stops and sighs. He flicks the end of his tail. “No, Phoenix.”

Phoenix turns around, ears drawing back. I look between the two of them.

“Oh, no,” Grey whispers, rubbing his hands and forearms. Alex bumps her shoulder into his.

“Yes, Ky,” Phoenix shoots back.

“We’re not doing this.”

“Yes we are, Ky. You know what happened in the Field, and you know it’s not happening again.”

Ky takes a breath. “You think I don’t know that? I was there, remember? I’m the one who summoned the Blood Demon. I know what happened that day. And I also know that it wasn’t any of their fault.”

Ky jerks his head back to the rest of us.

I pull my wings in tight and stand with my paws close together. Brook nuzzles my back before she stands up straight again.

“We can’t repeat it again,” Phoenix pleads.

It’s the first time I’ve seen him asking like this. I don’t know what to make of it.

“I know,” Ky says. His voice is gentle, nice.

“We can’t. You know that.” Phoenix’s nostrils flare.

“I know. I know we can’t. You don’t have to convince me of that. But I also know that it was no one’s fault but the cream puff. The Guard and Soldiers were the ones who overran the Field. Brook and Astra never asked for that to happen.”

“They coulda stopped them.”

Ky draws his own ears back. “No, Phoenix. Don’t go there. I know that you know that’s not true. There were too many Guard and Soldiers. There was no stopping them in any way but the Blood Demon. You got me back, Phoenix. And there’s safety in numbers.”

Phoenix scowls. “We were fine on our own before we met Grey and Alex.”

“We don’t have to be alone any more.”

Phoenix’s expression darkens further. “What can they do for us? I’m the one who will kill the cream puff.”

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“Everyone needs friends. And they all have their own powers. The cream puff is powerful and he’s got a lot of Guard and Soldiers on his side. But even if the cream puff wasn’t a worry, don’t you think it would be nice to have some friends? We’ve been alone for ten years.”

“We were fine for ten years. Then we meet Grey and Alex and all of this happens. We meet them and then I nearly lose you. That’s not happening.”

Ky sighs. I don’t know if I’m supposed to be listening, but I can’t stop.

I squint when a breeze blows by that ruffles my feathers and fur.

“I know that, Phoenix. But look at them. They’re all still here. They stuck with you. Who convinced Arcane to let me come back? I don’t think it was all you, Phoenix.”

“Astra figured out the riddle,” Phoenix mutters.

“See? I know you hate the cream puff, and I know you want him and everyone who supports him dead. I do, too. No one’s telling you that you can’t. But it also can’t be us forever.”

Grey and Alex both look like they want to say something, but neither speaks. Phoenix glances back at us, then stares for a moment before he exhales through his teeth and bristles. His fur stands on end and his fire crackles and sparks. He pins his ears and lashes his tail.

“We were fine for a decade, Ky. A fucking decade. We don’t need anyone else. It’s always just been us. We’re fine on our own. Everything bad that’s happened has happened since we met Grey and Alex. What part of that don’t you understand? I can’t lose you again, Ky. We don’t need them.”

Phoenix presses his forehead into his brother’s neck, and Ky tilts his head up. Ky’s thick fur keeps him safe from Phoenix’s horns, but I don’t think he’d hurt Ky anyway. Not with how he wanted to fight Arcane to make him bring back Ky.

“Please, we don’t need them.”

Ky gives a sorry look to Brook, but she shakes her head. It’s ok, she seems to say. She doesn’t seem upset at all.

“Phoenix, things haven’t been fine.” Ky pulls back. “Things aren’t ok. The last decade of our life has been spent hunting the cream puff. The fucking King of Ragdon. I’m not saying we shouldn’t, but it’s consumed us. We need others beyond just us. We can’t be just us, Phoenix. We need to each be someone beyond hunting the cream puff. Can you honestly tell me one thing you enjoy? You can’t say anything about the cream puff, because that’s not something fun. We need friends, Phoenix. They’ve stuck around. None of them like the cream puff. You’ll still get your kill, but it can’t just be us anymore.”

I tilt my head to the side and sit down. Ky said that it couldn’t be just him and Phoenix after a decade, but it was me and Brook for ninety years. Why didn’t she say that?

Phoenix growls. “Whatever. See if I care. We’re leaving, Ky. If they follow, whatever, but I’m not leaving you.”

xxxx

We walk down the side of Ragdon Volcano, and everyone is quiet. No one talks, and it makes me uncomfortable. I can feel all the words in my throat, but I don’t speak them. I just watch everyone and wonder when someone will say something.

I hold my tongue, a saying I heard Brook use a while ago, but it gets harder. I bound around the group to try to burn off energy, staying close so I don’t go too far and stay within Brook’s sight, but I feel itchy and my skin prickles.

Why is everyone so quiet?

Phoenix stalks down the Volcano. He’s rigid and looks like a predator. He’s scowling and has been the entire time, but he also hasn’t left Ky’s side.

Alex stays beside Grey, who eyes Ky frequently. He looks like he’s waiting for Ky to disappear.

But, eventually, it’s Ky who speaks first.

“Lucius told me what Arcane did,” Ky says.

“I thought you didn’t die,” Phoenix says quickly.

“I didn’t. But I still saw Lucius. I wasn’t dead, but I wasn’t alive. That was enough for them to come find me. I saw Ananta, too. She’s intimidating, but Lucius was kind. They told me what Arcane did. He killed Freedom by accident.”

“Has Arcane seen Lucius?” Grey asks.

Ky nods. “He has. Apart from me, Arcane is the only one who has seen Lucius without having died. Lucius told me that what Arcane did was truly a mistake. Lucius knows when everyone will die, and Freedom wasn’t supposed to die then.”

“I’m happy to have confirmation that what Arcane did was a mistake, but it still doesn’t make it better. Freedom never should’ve been separated from Astra,” Brook replies, glancing at me. She ducks her head and noses at my shoulders.

I feel her nose quiver against my fur as she breathes.

“That’s ok, Brook,” I say. “You kept me safe! You made the Field. I’m ok.”

“I know, and I’m so glad you’re ok. I still wish you could have grown up with your mother, though. You both deserve to have gotten to know each other. Freedom loved you so much. She told me so many times that she was so proud of you and so proud that she got to be your mother.”

“If Lucius takes everyone when they die, then Lucius would have to put everyone somewhere,” I say as I bound down the mountainside and stop to look at a blossoming yellow flower. “No one can just disappear if Lucius takes everyone. So if they put everyone somewhere, then Freedom is somewhere. I can see her when I die. So we won’t really be apart. She still exists. She’s just Somewhere, rather than Here. She’s still my mother, so really I have two moms!”

Phoenix stops.

“Somewhere, rather than Here?” he echoes.

“Lucius can’t just take someone and then put them nowhere,” I reply. “They’ve gotta do something with everyone they take.”

Phoenix humphs, then continues walking.

xxxx

We’re most of the way down Ragdon Volcano by the afternoon. I skip ahead of the group to find every plant and flower I can and to chase after birds and squirrels. I catch one of the squirrels and eat a bite, but when I don’t like the taste I gave it to Ky, who finishes it off.

“What was it like being… not dead but not alive?” I ask.

Brook stiffens and Alex grimaces. I frown.

“What? Was that not nice? It was a question.”

“I know,” Brook says, “and it’s ok to be curious and to ask questions. That’s how you learn. But Ky might not want to share. We have to remember that part, too. You can be curious, but not everyone will be willing to share, either ever or in that particular moment.”

“Oh. Ok. You don’t have to answer, Ky,” I add on.

“It’s ok, Astra. I don’t really remember most of it, to be honest,” Ky says. “I remember meeting Lucius, even though they never brought me to death. And I caught glimpses of what happened between when I summoned the Blood Demon and when Arcane healed me, but for most of it, it was all black. There was nothing. It was like being more than just asleep. I didn’t dream. I was just… gone.”

“Gone?” I echo.

Ky nods. He tilts his head and he thinks for a while. “It was like… nothingness. I wasn’t even aware of time passing. In the times I caught glimpses of the world through my eyes I knew time had passed, but those glimpses were all too short to really get any sense of how much time had gone by. And when Lucius came to visit me, I had no idea of the time when they talked to me.”

“You were floating?” I ask.

Ky slows down, and I do the same, watching him as he goes over his words.

“No,” Ky says. “It was beyond that. It was more than some extreme daydream, or even the deepest sleep. I never woke up, but I could’ve if I was asleep— someone could’ve shaken me awake, I could’ve woken up on my own, and so on. Before Arcane used the power of Aquarius on me, I was way past asleep. Nothing could have woken me up. It was all dark, yet there wasn’t even darkness. There wasn’t anything in my head, because it was all gone. I was gone. It was just… nothingness.” Ky sighs. “Maybe like the world before Erebus created it all, I don’t know. I just know there couldn’t even be darkness in my head because I was completely gone.”

“Whoah,” I breathe, because I don’t know what else to say.

I can’t imagine what Ky’s describing. I’ve fallen asleep in the past and have been very deeply asleep, but I always woke up, either on my own or when Brook nudged me awake. I can picture darkness to an extent, but not nothingness. I don’t know what it would look like. What the world might’ve looked like before Erebus made it all.

We continue on, and the only time anyone talks is when Phoenix checks on Ky or when Grey says he’s going to check ahead and shifts into his dove form. The rest of the time we’re silent.

I hop up onto Brook’s back, rest my chin on her mane, and take a nap for a while, but eventually I get restless and return to the ground, trotting ahead. We reach the bottom of Ragdon Volcano, and I make my way into the trees. They’re tall. I’m sure I could see so much of Ragdon. I’m sure I could see so far.

It’s tempting to climb one, but something keeps me on the ground.

There’s something pulling me forward. There’s an energy in the air, something that feels like it’s waiting. Something that feels like the moment of anticipation right before I dig my claws into the ground and sprint forward, the moment right before everything comes alive and I can breathe. There’s something I can’t step away from, and I don’t want to.

I keep going. I should probably wait for Brook and the others.

I don’t.

I stop when I see a cat walking through the trees at the bottom of Ragdon Volcano. I watch them for a moment.

They’re bigger than me. They’re taller than Phoenix, but skinnier. I can see ribs. Their fur is blue, a lighter shade than Brook’s. They have six shards of ice on their tail, like how I have the six grey plates on my tail. And they have horns curling behind their ears, just like I do. Ice lines their cheeks, and I see tears dripping from their eyes.

What are you so sad about?

“Astra,” Brook says, and I glance back over my shoulder before looking back at the cat.

“What the fuck?” Phoenix snaps. “Him again?”

Phoenix has met him?

The cat pauses and lifts his head. His pale blue eyes trail over everyone. He looks heavy and tired.

But then he finds me, and his expression turns into shock, before it turns into fear.

“No,” he gasps. “Please, no. This can’t be. I didn’t look for you, I swear.”

He pants for breath and stumbles back several steps. He turns his attention to Brook, who has stopped beside me and pinned her ears back. Not in anger, but in surprise.

She knows him?

“What happened?” the cat asks. “I didn’t search for you. Please, she can’t be here.”

“Who are you?” I ask. He seems distantly familiar, but I don’t remember.

The cat bares his teeth and squeezes his eyes shut. He curls up on the ground, stretching out a paw and raking his claws through the soil. He lashes his tail fast enough that a piece of ice on it cuts into his hip. Blood freezes and turns into crystals on his fur.

“Jabez,” I say, putting the pieces together in my mind. “You’re my father.”

“Please,” he begs. “Astra.”

Jabez opens his mouth to say something more, but his voice cracks and turns into a scream. His body trembles and his limbs spasm.

What is happening?