Chapter 11

I Said I’d Think About It

It doesn’t take long to find Arcane. He’s too big to hide, he hasn’t gone far, and I can track his scent.

“Arcane!” I slow to a lope, and then stop several paces away from him.

The Midnight Wolf stands up. He slowly turns around, and he almost trips on his paws. He curls his toes to keep his balance. His claws are purple. Seven golden rings shine in the light on his ear, and a blue gem in the shape of a diamond does, too. The galaxies on Arcane’s body shift and spin, as mesmerizing as the kaleidoscope on the barrier around the Field was.

“Astra,” Arcane replies, ducking his head momentarily. The diamond hits his temple when he does so.

“I’ve come to let you know that I think I can catch Lepus.”

Arcane hums. “I was wondering who would figure it out. Here, catch Lepus.”

One of the rainbow rabbits swirls into existence and crouches on the ground, nose quivering. I tense my muscles, waiting for it to run or do something. But it never moves, and after a moment, I leap and catch it between my paws.

“You told us the answer!” I hold the rabbit to my chest so it can’t escape.

“True,” Arcane replies, “but some of your group didn’t strike me as the type to catch the simple wording and command.”

The rabbit shimmers and vanishes, and the Lepus constellation on Arcane’s muzzle shifts. One of the stars making up its ear flicks.

“Phoenix wanted to fight you,” I say.

“That does not surprise me. I don’t blame him.”

“But he said he wanted to hurt you. Fighting would hurt you. That’s what fighting does— it hurts everyone.”

Arcane doesn’t reply for a while. He sits down and tilts his head, angling an ear back as he thinks. He squints but doesn’t close his eyes.

“Do you remember your mother, Astra?” Arcane finally asks.

I shake my head. “No, not really.”

“Do you know anything about her?”

“Brook said she was really nice.”

Arcane smiles. He shakes to shift the mane on his spine. I ruffle my wings so the feathers sit right.

“Brook is right. Freedom was very nice. One of the nicest beings I ever met. And she cared for you deeply, too.” Arcane glances at me before continuing. “I only saw her a few times after you were born, but she was so proud of you. Wouldn’t stop talking about you and what you’d done recently and what you were up to, not that I’d ever have told her to stop. She loved you so much, Astra.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“Because I killed your mother, Astra, but I never meant to. I was trying to heal a wound she got when she fell that was too deep to let heal on its own. My healing powers require that I keep a delicate balance, and when I was healing Freedom that day, the balance slipped and I accidentally killed her. That’s why Phoenix’s anger toward me doesn’t surprise me. I cannot blame him. Ky and Phoenix are brothers. I don’t know either of them personally, but they seem very, very close. Phoenix doesn’t want to give up on his family. That’s the same reason why I wouldn’t blame you if you told me that you wanted to hurt me.”

I look at my paws. “I don’t know. I want to believe you, but I don’t know. Are you lying?”

I stare up at Arcane, and he meets my gaze. “I am not.”

I sit down, back arched. I pull my tail and wings in tight. “I don’t know if I believe you. You killed my mom.”

Arcane sighs. “I know. It’s why I stay up here. I cannot take back what I did, but I hope that one day I can finally get my chance to make things right.”

“So are you going to heal Ky?” I ask.

“I’ll think about it.”

I spring to my paws and spread my wings. I hook my dew claws into the ground as I brace myself. “But you said you would! You said you can help Ky! I caught Lepus, so heal Ky!”

Arcane pins back his ears. He takes a step back. “I-I didn’t though. I only said that if one of you caught Lepus, that I’d think about helping Ky. The last time I used the power of Aquarius, I killed Freedom, Astra. I can’t make that mistake again.”

I flinch.

He killed my mom. He killed Freedom, and yet I still want him to use the same power that killed my mom on Ky to heal him. My mind twists at the realization.

How can I want him to use the same power again? Does that make me bad? Does that mean I don’t love my first mom?

I think that makes me bad.

Ky doesn’t seem mean, but how can I want Arcane to use the power that killed my mom on Ky? What if he messes up? Would it be my fault, because I figured out how to catch the rabbit? I caught Lepus.

My vision narrows, and then it blurs, and I can’t get enough air, and I have to sit down, and I can’t feel my legs, and I feel like I’m going to fall over, and my body starts tingling, and then it goes numb. My heart pounds in my chest, and it feels like it’s trying to run away from my body. I curl to the ground and pull my paws and wings in tight to keep my heart from escaping. I can’t hear anything, but somehow Arcane’s voice cuts through.

“Astra!” he calls. “Astra.”

I jerk away from him when I sense him getting closer, and my heart races even faster. Far faster than it had gone when I chased the Lepus rabbit, and I feel like my heart might really run away from me.

“Ok, I’ll stay over here,” Arcane says.

“You-… you have to help Ky. I-I-. I want you to help Ky, but you killed my mom.” I start talking, and once I do, I can’t stop. The words just keep coming from my mouth like the fleeing rabbits I’d gone after, running, running, running. “You killed my mom, and then I lived in the Field with Brook and she was nice and she’s my mom, too, but then the Guard and Soldiers came. Ky had to die or not die but be gone because otherwise we all would’ve died, but there were so many dead Guard and Soldiers and Brook got hurt and so did Phoenix and Grey and Alex. And I guess Brook knew the King and so does my dad, but Ky and Phoenix don’t like him. They call him the cream puff. And everyone keeps talking like they know so much and I guess they do, but I don’t. I know the Field and Ragdon isn’t the Field. I thought Brook made it all up, but it’s all real.” My voice cracks and shakes. “It’s all real.”

“You never saw the outside world?”

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I shake my head, panting for breath. I swallow several times before I respond. “No. Brook told me my mom and dad told her to take me somewhere safe because an evil King and his Dragon were going to hurt me. She made the Field so I could be safe.”

Tears well up in my eyes. “There were so many of them,” I continue, and my voice pitches up into a whine. “There were so many, and they all wanted to hurt me, and they were all trying to grab me. The Field was supposed to be safe. Brook and I weren’t ever gonna leave. But then they all came in, and they broke it all, and they walked over everything, and they destroyed it all. They all died. They were so bloody. They weren’t moving, and they looked like they were sleeping. They looked how Ky does but bloody. Ky’s not bloody. The Blood Demon took it all from him.”

When I close my eyes, all I can see is the bodies of the Guard and Soldiers lying all around the Field. Some have burns, some have bones sticking out from their bodies, and some have more blood showing than skin. They’re all dead, and I don’t know what to make of it.

But when I open my eyes, I can still see them.

“You never should’ve had to see that,” Arcane whispers. “I’m so sorry.”

“They don’t go away. They were in the Field. They were everywhere. Brook told me the King has so many Guard and Soldiers. What if they come back? What if Brook dies?” I shake, and tears drip down my cheeks.

Arcane sighs above me, and I look up at him. His mouth twists, and he wrinkles his muzzle. The Midnight Tear wobbles in his eyes, like it’s going to fall but it never does.

“The Guard and Soldiers don’t come up here,” Arcane says. “They can’t get to you. Your friends would kill them all.”

“Would you fight them? They’re so scary. There’s so many of them, and they have those swords and arrows and they want to kill us all and I don’t know why.”

“I’d want to,” Arcane says softly, “but I don’t know if I would. After what I did with Freedom, I don’t know if it’s my place anymore to decide who lives and who dies.”

“You could help Ky.”

Arcane looks away. “I’ll think about it. I’ll walk you back to the others.”

xxxx

When we reach the rest of the group, Phoenix immediately stands up from where he’d been laying beside Ky’s body.

“Well,” he says, “you here to help my brother?”

Arcane shakes his head, and Phoenix looks like he wants to fight someone. I scamper over to Brook. She noses the top of my head.

“It seems that you figured out how to catch one of the Lepus rabbits?”

I nod. “Yeah! I just had to ask. It wasn’t really that hard.”

“Well, you’re very smart, Astra. You’re very intelligent.”

“Will you help Ky?” Grey asks. “You have the Aquarius constellation, so I know you can.”

Arcane backs up a step. “You know what I did to Freedom, so you know why I feel I cannot.”

“You told us to catch a fucking bunny, and Astra just did it. Heal my brother.” Phoenix lashes his tail. He’s panting and shaking, and his eyes glow.

“Why give us the riddle if you were never going to help Ky?” Alex asks.

“I-I…” Arcane ducks his head and rocks back and forth on his paws. He curls his tail between his hind legs. “I want to, but look what happened the last time. I killed Freedom. I killed Astra’s mother. I destroyed a family. I tore Ragdon apart. The King is now in power.”

“I’m gonna kill the cream puff if that’s what you’re so worried about. The sooner you heal my brother, the sooner we leave. Bring back Ky. He’s not dead, so I know you can.”

“But he’s so close to death. Lucius must be hovering right over him, waiting to make their move. One little mistake, an-.”

Phoenix stalks closer to Arcane, and I weave between Brook’s legs. Grey shifts on his feet. He looks uncomfortable. Alex grimaces.

“You’re not gonna make a mistake, now are you, Arcane? You’re the Midnight Wolf.”

“Phoenix,” Arcane says, and it almost sounds like he’s pleading.

“Arcane,” Phoenix sneers.

Arcane leans back, and then he stands tall. His eyes hold an emotion I can’t identify. Something ancient, distant, hesitant.

The world feels like it holds its breath as Arcane studies Ky, and I stay still, just watching through wide eyes. I prick my ears as I wait. Arcane tilts his head, and his nose twitches. He keeps his tail close to his legs. The Aquarius constellation glows and shimmers bright on his shoulder.

The power that can bring back Ky.

Phoenix bares his teeth but makes no sound, tense as he watches Arcane. Crusted and burned blood lines the gash on his ripped ear, the one that the Soldier tore in two right after Ky summoned the Blood Demon. When the purple locks of hair fall into his eyes, Phoenix shakes them back.

“You fucking pansy. You can’t even do it? Astra caught you a fucking rabbit. She caught Lepus, and now you’re not gonna bring back my brother?”

Phoenix paces and spits. His flames crackle and spark on his body, and they’re loud.

“If you won’t even use your powers, then what are you still doing here? Why are you still here if all you do is sit around at the top of Ragdon Volcano where no one ever sees you and no one ever visits you and basically everybody thinks you’re dead. What are you even doing, Arcane? Sixty years has gone by. Help my fucking brother. I’d do it myself, but unfortunately fire can’t bring someone back. I’m the only Phoenix.”

Phoenix scoffs, and he ticks his head to the side, tongue curling around his teeth.

“He’s the one who believed in you. Ky never lost hope that you were still out there somewhere. I believed you were dead. But it seemed we were both right. You’re still alive, Arcane, but you might as well be dead.”

Grey flinches, and Alex catches his arm before he can move forward. “Not now,” she whispers in his ear. “He’s too angry.”

I glance back at the two of them. Wind ruffles Ky’s fluffy fur, and it almost looks like he’s breathing. He still doesn’t move, though, and I can’t help but feel sad.

I look back at Arcane. Maybe if I hope hard enough he’ll change his mind. If Ky had never come to the Field, then he wouldn’t have summoned the Blood Demon, and if he hadn’t summoned the Blood Demon, he’d still be ok. But he’s not ok now, because he did come to the Field and he did summon the Blood Demon.

Arcane only stays with us for another minute or two. Phoenix tries to convince him to help Ky. Arcane seems increasingly more uncomfortable. He can’t stay in one place, and he shakes out the mane of fur on his spine several times.

I step away from Brook when I see movement on Arcane’s shoulder. The massive pink galaxy starts to spin as Arcane slowly backs away from Phoenix, who keeps stalking closer. Arcane bounces his attention between Phoenix and Ky, until he focuses entirely on Phoenix. The Aquarius constellation moves, stars flickering amongst the countless others scattered across his body.

“I have to go, please,” Arcane pleads.

“Help my brother, and then you can.” Fire pours from Phoenix’s body. He’s bigger than me, but he’s much smaller than Arcane. He still advances.

I wish I could be like that.

Arcane turns around and leaves. He’s gone a moment later.

Phoenix stomps and hisses and snarls.

I lay down on my stomach a little ways from Ky, head on my forepaws and wings stretched out on either side of me. The sunlight feels nice on my feathers. I examine Ky more closely than I have before.

He lays on his side, just how Grey had set him down however long ago that was when we first reached the top of Ragdon Volcano. His shaggy fur ruffles whenever wind blows by. Ky’s eyes are still halfway open, but he doesn’t squint against the wind.

Come on, Ky, I think, just move. You don’t look dead. Just move.

I want to scream at him. I want Ky to move. He can’t be dead. He said he wouldn’t be dead, but he’s not moving. He looks dead, but he doesn’t at the same time. He looks like he’s on the edge between dead and alive. Within Lucius’s touch, yet just out of their reach. Ky looks like he could so easily just stand up and ask what everyone’s worried about. He could shake out the few twigs stuck in his fur and ask where Arcane is.

It feels like if I hope it hard enough, I could get Ky to move and come back to life.

Phoenix paces beside his brother, muttering curses against Arcane under his breath. He lashes his tail from side to side, and his fur stands on end. His flames crackle loudly, and I’m not sure how nothing has gotten burned.

“Heal him,” Phoenix spits. “All you had to do. It’s not that fucking hard. I’d do it myself if I could. All you had to do was just heal him.”

Grey and Alex talk with each other, but I can’t hear them well. Brook stands off to the side, keeping watch and scanning the horizon for any signs of Guard or Soldiers.

Slight movement out of the corner of my eye has me snapping my head to the side. I watch as Ky’s pupils slowly dilate until the black covers almost all of the brown, then constrict until the black are mere slits.

“Ph-Phoenix,” I say as I creep closer, belly brushing the ground.

He stops pacing. “What?” he snaps.

“Ky.”

I prick my ears and watch Ky even closer.

Phoenix crouches beside me.

“Ky!” he cries. “Can you hear me? It’s me, Phoenix. I’m right here, Ky. Ok? Just listen to my voice. I’m right here, I promise. I’m not going anywhere.”

Grey and Alex stop talking when they hear Phoenix and rush over, and Brook follows. Her hooves are loud on the rock.

“Stay the fuck back,” Phoenix growls when Grey tries to kneel near Ky. “Give him room to breathe. He can’t do that if you’re all hovering over him.”

Grey holds his hands up and retreats. Brook stops behind me.

Ky’s eyelids flutter and his eyes stay all the way open his time, but then all movement stops and he’s just as still as he was after he summoned the Blood Demon.

“No, no, come on, Ky,” Phoenix says, nosing at his brother’s neck. “Please, Ky. I’m right here. Whatever you need. I know you’re not cold. I can feel it. What do you need, Ky? Tell me, please. It’s me, your brother, Ky. I’m Phoenix. Come back to me, please. I’m right here. Tell me if I need to go find Arcane again. I’ll do whatever I have to.”

Phoenix squeezes his eyes shut, but I still catch the tear that hisses when it touches fire and turns into steam.

Ky’s eyes dilate partway again, and he blinks fully. I watch him for another few moments, and his side heaves in a deep breath.