Wurn let out a sound that was a cross between a sputter, cough, and sneeze. “Yo, is this a joke? Did you just call me out ere’ for a joke about your sister being an eldritch horror?”

“Again, that’s a quite derogatory term,” Drade said, tilting his head.

“I dun’ think you can be derogatory towards something that doesn’t exist.”

“Fine. Let’s pretend she exists for a moment. I need your help with something.” Drade glanced at the two others in the restaurant. Sirla seemed to be taking him seriously but immediately gained a facade of annoyance when she felt his gaze. The other patron couldn’t hear them, so he was quietly savoring his food. “My sister can’t be recorded, but for her birthday present, I need to record her.”

“I’m following ya so far.”

“So, I need a magical camera of sorts since magic can perceive her.”

Wurn leaned back in his seat, taking it seriously just because he liked the problem-solving. “Well, I have lots of devices that can react to stimuli...and I could probably make one that can record and play back video...”

“I also need it to connect to a computer software.”

“Like, through a cable?”

“Basically, yes.”

“Nah, I can’t do it for you.”

Drade called, “How long until my food’s ready, Sirla?”

Sirla was no ordinary cook. Her hair was busy doing the job for her. Three condensed strands moved seemingly autonomously, working on three different jobs at once, one cutting ingredients, one supplying them, and another putting them aside. “It’s on its way, I guess, but it will take at least twenty minutes since I haven’t made this more than a few times,” she said, keeping all her attention to their conversation with crossed arms.

“Also, could I get something to drink?”

“Yeah, yeah, iron goddess tea comes with the package.” Another bundle of hair began to make Drade his tea, moving herbs into a teapot then pouring water in with a fifth bundle.

“Anyway, why can’t you?”

Wurn responded to Drade next, “Look, I’m not a very...tech-savvy guy. Neither am I a master at my craft. If you want advanced tech enchantments, you need to talk to the guild.”

Drade asked Sirla another question. “What even makes the food worth $9000 anyway?”

She clapped her hands together, happy to explain. “Well, that’s called ‘Iron Goddess Flight Curry’ because the unique ingredient to the curry is Tieguanyin, a herb normally used in tea. The ‘flight’ part comes from how the type of Tieguanyin I use is from the highest mountains in Asia, so it’s suuuper expensive. You better savor it, crazyloader!”

“Huh, that’s interesting.”

Sirla finished pouring Drade’s tea and put down her hair’s other tasks. She suddenly hit the ground with her hair, launching herself high into the air, over the counter, and back down to Drade’s chair with a thud. Miraculously(or more accurately, magically), the tea hadn’t spilled a drop. She gingerly placed the cup and plate in front of Drade. “Here is your tea, Drade.” She quickly leaped back into her kitchen and picked up where she’d left off.

“Anyhow, what’s this guild you were talking about?” Drade continued.

“The guild controls almost all of the magic items in the world. Since the whole market is secret to the general populace, they regulate the trade instead of the government. If you want a magic item, you need to go through them first. I’m...an exception.”

Drade thought about it as he took a sip of his tea. He suddenly sputtered it out, nearly burning his tongue. “HOOOOT-”

Sirla’s eyes immediately widened in rage. She dropped everything she was doing once more and launched herself at Drade with her hair, falling in front of him with a crash. Drade looked left and right, unsure of himself as she rose, her eyes looking down at him with disdain.

“Drade.”

“Y-yes?” Drade said with a vague fear, seeing hate in Sirla’s eyes.

Sirla’s hair suddenly wrapped around his throat, then raised him off his chair. Sirla scowled at him, dragging his face closer to hers as two other strands restrained his arms. A fourth gently removed the cup from his hand and gingerly placed it on the plate before she dragged him closer. Once his face was an inch from hers, she spoke.

“Did. You. Just. Spit. That. Out?”

Drade tried to respond, but he was currently being choked.

“Listen to me. You don’t just spit that golden water out. People labored for days for that one drink, scavenging the highlands of a mountain just for their next meal so someone can drink tea in my lounge...” Sirla grabbed the somewhat aloof Drade’s head with her hand, then angled him towards her. “You might not be impressed by it, with your dumb-looking face, but I suggest you consider the effort people put in to get that drink to you. I don’t care if you’re the president of the united states or damned Cthulu...if you disrespect those efforts again, I’m personally going to make sure you lick that off the fucking table. You got that, swine?”

Drade tried to nod his head.

“Good. You understand.” Sirla let Drade go, then launched herself back to her work.

Drade took hoarse breaths, kneeling on the ground. Once he’d regained his breath, he slowly moved back onto his chair.

Wurn was holding back their laughter. Drade wasn’t the only patron who had been subjected to Sirla’s intimidation, and he certainly wouldn’t be the last. “So, how’s the tea?”

Drade rubbed his throat, staring at the tea in question with a complicated expression. “Very passionate.” He began muttering to himself, “Does that count as a joke...? Ehh, I guess I’ll count it as the second.” He quickly glanced at Sirla, who was standing aloof behind her bar, pretending not to care. He blew on his teacup a few times, then took a sip. As he did, he felt a menace staring at him, but when he looked to Sirla, she was still aloof.

Wurn pulled a sponge out of his pocket, then squeezed it in front of Drade’s mess. The liquid moved into it, cleaning the ground and table. “So, really, how is it? You’re the first person t’ ask for the Iron Goddess.”

Drade felt the gaze again, so he chose his words carefully. “Very...I’d say it’s good. I’m not...sure if it’s worth the cost, but it is really strong.” He suspected he would annoy Sirla more, calling it not worth the money, but she didn’t make any reaction. Sirla understood the inherent contradictions of expensive food and agreed with Drade’s analysis entirely. “So...back to the guild.”

This narrative has been purloined without the author's approval. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Wurn nodded. “The guild controls the market.”

“And how do I contact them?”

“Well, they’re secretive. The guild vets each buyer before they even know it. I only contact th’ people they’ve already contacted, or else I’d be heavily scrutinized by em’.”

“Right.” Drade sipped the tea again. He did like it. “So you think they can get me a recording device that can connect with computers?”

“Yes...but...I’m confused about something. Can people not see your sister?”

“No, she’s perfectly visible to the human eye.”

“Then how come cameras can’t, but humans can.”

“Humans’ souls regulate most of their body’s functions to some degree. That includes their sight.”

“So...you’re claiming that souls and eldritch beings exist.” Wurn leaned back in his chair. “You’re crazy.”

“Say what you want, but I need what I need.”

“...Hmm. I don’t really want anything to do with you.”

Drade placed his hands together, looking past them in a maniacal villain pose. “That’s rude to say.”

“It’s the truth, Drade. I might consider recommending you to the guild if you prove you’re not crazy, at least.”

“Sure, I can do that,” Drade said.

“Well, we ain’t moving the shop entrances for another month, so ya better find some proof before then. Or, if luck really does exist, find your way back some other time.”

“Who said I can’t prove it here and now?” Drade asked.

Wurn smiled the leaned forward. “Nobody at all,” he said in a conspiratorial tone. “It’d make things strange if you’re not talkin’ nonsense but...if you aren’t, I’d love to be the first to learn. I’ve never heard of another type of magic besides enchantments...kinda, so if you can do that, go for it.”

Drade nodded. “Then I’ll teach you a technique I picked up from some Canadian elementalists.”

“You’re just making things up on the spot now, aren’t ya?”

“Umm, no. Can I get something to write on?”

“Sure.” Wurn walked to the bar and magically phased through it to pick up a piece of paper and crayons. Drade absently wondered if expensive crayons existed. Wurn walked back and set them on the table.

There was a sketch of an Egyptian pyramid on the front cover. “A coloring book?”

“A lotta’ our patrons bring their kids here for the scavenger hunt.”

“Well, this should do anyway.” Drade began drawing on the back of it with the red crayon. He drew a circle, then made a triangle inside it. He yelled to Sirla, “If you’re interested, why don’t you come here to see some magic?”

Sirla finished part of the dish but left some food to simmer. She leaped over the counter, then pulled up her own chair. “Let’s see if you’re truly a good for nothing. Show what you’ve got.”

“Oh, do you mind turning off the lights? This will be slightly cooler if you do that.”

Wurn flicked a remote out of his pocket and clicked it to turn the lights off.

There was still a light in the kitchen, but most of the room was covered in shadows.

“Ahem,” For a moment, Drade raised his eyes to the top left of his vision in thought. “I think I remember the chant they used. Bear with me for a moment.” He clasped his hands together in front of himself:

“Elemental of Fire, breaker of permafrost,

Caretaker of the broken ocean, bringer of firey coasts...

Light of hell,

Cry or yell,

Ashes fall...uhh and-

and we all fall down.”

The poem’s delivery was painfully drab and sounded like a computer program was trying to read a poem, with a pause between each word as the computer read it.

“That was terrible. Can I go now, or do I need to keep subjecting myself to your edgy poems?” Sirla said, right before she got dumbfounded.

Drade held out a hand, and a small orange flame about the size of a blowtorch’s flickered in his hand, spreading light around it. “Feel free to. I’ll admit it isn’t the coolest magic ever, but I think it should be sufficient proof other magics besides enchantments exist. Just hold out your hand to use it too.”

Wurn held his own hand out above the crude drawing, and a flame began to burn bright above his hand. Sirla reluctantly did the same. Each of their flames emanated just enough light to illuminate their faces. It looked quite nice in the darkness, as Drade had promised.

Wurn was easily interested, given his studious understanding of magic, “Wow...wait, this isn’t some sorta’ trick, is it?”

“Trick? How could I trick you? This is obviously magic and not an enchantment.”

“Nah, I mean, I’m not yet sure you ain’t just usin’ a magic item to trick me into thinkin’ weird.”

“You’re right, but why would I do that? Also, you can try this anyplace, anytime, and it should work. I figured you’d believe me about this sort of thing since Sirla also has magic like this.”

The two employees stared at Drade blankly, ensuing a long silence under the firelight.

“...What?” Drade asked. The silence didn’t end, the two staring at Drade with an increasingly surprised expression. “Did I say something wrong?”

“How in Chaos did you know?”

“That Sirla is an electricity elementalist?”

“I’ve never even heard that word! How did you know she didn’t use a magic item!?”

Drade looked to Sirla. “What’s he going on about?”

Sirla sighed. “Is your brain a rock?” Sirla pointed to her headband. “I use this to pretend I don’t have my own kind of magic. Neither Wurn nor I have ever heard of anyone like me. Even if you noticed I wasn’t pretending, you don’t have any reason to believe I’m an elementalist since I only use my hair. How did you figure out I control electricity?”

Drade shrugged. “The floor underneath your kitchen magically sends pulses of magic energy, I heard your hair spark when you first pointed it at me, your headband didn’t have magic, and I saw your soul directly controlling not just your hair but the electricity in the floor.”

“How...the fuck?” Sirla ‘asked.’

Drade clicked his tongue. “I can see magic.”

The two mages were forced to take him seriously, all evidence proving he knew more than they thought. “Then what about when you mentioned Wurn put his soul into his items? Were you serious?”

Drade nodded. “I saw bits of his soul inside the items. Souls are the source of unlimited magic, so the only way an item could endlessly run on magic is through one, whether artificial or taken.”

Sirla and Wurn looked between each other with expressions of dumbfounded caution.

“You mentioned Canadian elementalists. Are they like me?”

Drade nodded. “Obviously. Though they aren’t like you, they use magic circles. You’re probably an innate elementalist who controls elements with your mind. ”

“So...there are other people like me!?” Sirla looked excited.

“Most certainly, yes. The one I saw could manipulate fire with her subconscious will, just like you.”

“I want to see them. Where are they?!”

“Brazil, I think.”

Sirla looked to Wurn excitedly, “I need to go to Brazil!” She’d lost all her skepticism in excitement.

The flames had begun to die out, so Wurn turned on the lights. “Fine, we believe you.”

“So will you-”

Wurn held up his hand for Drade to stop. “I’ll help ya, but on two conditions. First, ya tell us more about these ‘souls’ and ‘innate elementalists’, second, ya explain souls to me, and fer’ third, ya find Sirla one of these innate elementalists to talk to.”

“Sounds like a plan to me, but I’m on a schedule, so I can’t stay to explain.”

“That’s fine, so long as ya come back. Err, but seriously, do eldritch horro-entities really exist? Like, the world-ending beings from H.P. Lovecraft?"

“My dad gave that guy some sick ideas. I wouldn’t take his tales too seriously. But yes, many of the pureblooded race are capable of destroying the world if they so willed it.”

Wurn looked to Sirla. “Just in case Cthulu awakens and kills us tomorrow, I want you to know you’re my best friend.”

Sirla hugged him affectionately. “You’re my...best friend too.”