Day 4

Well my plan to push buttons today seems to have worked too well I was ordered to return to my room and was told that I was to be placed on probation meaning that I couldn't leave my room for however long that they decided was appropriate. It doesn't bother me though I enjoy being alone and now I don't have to go any where or deal with anyone other than the orderly that would bring my meals. Little did I know just how much of a Hell this room could be I don't mind the solitude that's not a problem what does bother me is the blandness of the room there is no color just white even the bedframe was painted white. It's normally not a problem but today it's been horrible be it because it wasn't my choice to be in here or whatever I'm trapped here until they let me out. I was ok for a while but when my mind started to spiral I began to second guess my decision to be such an ass today. My mind wanted to play out all sorts of the bad memories that we tend to lock away to protect ourselves. Not a place I want to be stuck in my mind and in this room with no chance to break the silence the closed door afforded me. Normally this is when I'd go to the rec room to distract myself but not today I was a prisoner here laying on my bed begging for it all to end. I had to breakout of this spiral before I fell to far I won't break in here I can't. So here is where I've come I don't want to talk about any of it but I needed the distraction. I guess I'll write about one of the questions from the book yesterday I asked how I would decide to choose between saving some random person from being killed being hit by a car or saving a friend of mine from being injured by some biker who wasn't paying attention. At first I wanted to say that I would save the stranger I mean that's the right answer isn't it. That was the answer I chose until I really started to think about it then I couldn't just say that I'd do this I began to really question what it would benefit me to save the stranger I don't them, I wouldn't have to suffer the loss when they were gone, I had no emotions for this stranger. I had very few friends and I was close with all of them I didn't want to lose one I really don't form emotional bonds but once I called you my friend it was decided. I wouldn't be sad without them but I selfishly didn't won't to let go of something that was comfortable to me it was just easier this way. By the end of my inner debate I had decided that I would easily walk away from the stranger no matter the situation it didn't matter if it was to stop a different thing or simply making the decision to save them or not. I was certain that my mind was made up and I couldn't even pretend that I may choose differently because I knew in the core of my being that I would not be swayed no matter how it was presented to me. I wanted to feel bad about this but even wanting to feel bad seemed to make me mad. I had made my decision and questioning myself because the right answer wasn't what I had chosen just made me more angrier the more I tried to convince myself otherwise. I knew then that I was only going to make my situation worse by trying to change my mind so I made peace with the fact that I didn't want to be right I wanted to be ME. I was that simple I couldn't do something just because it was supposed to be right I needed to have some sort of motivation that seemed to benefit me to make my decision because even if there wasn't a penalty for my decision I simply didn't have it in me to care enough to try to care about being "Good".

Day 5

Another day locked away from everyone I think that I'm growing more and more distant and it's only been two days. I don't know how long I can keep this up if I'm stuck here too long will I truly go mad or is it just me worrying for nothing. The walls seem just a little closer together today I know they can't be but it definitely feels that way. I have taken to jumping on my bed until I'm completely exhausted it's the only entertainment that I have locked in here. I can't remember the last time I jumped on a bed it must have been 25 years ago. I had forgotten just how much fun it can be. It makes dealing with this room a little less straining and the orderlys really hate it so that's a plus maybe they will let me out of here soon if I keep it up. Once I feel rested I beat on the door for a while so far though that hasn't proved to have any response so I simply return to jumping on the bed again. I know that it sounds crazy but this routine has made my day pretty fun if I do say so for the first time in years I have been able to shed the stress of being an adult and just let myself have fun. Up until now even in here I haven't been able to let my guard down. Maybe it's just because I don't have a choice in the matter or maybe it's because I have started to break in this room. I mean I have watched the crack under the door simply to see the shadows pass by and it only makes it worse. Looking up at the ceiling the tiles dance before my eyes and I begin to feel sick so I can't do that. The wall seem to push in on me when I try to stare off into space so it makes me feel uneasy so I try not to sit still too long at any given time. I don't know what is making this room so bad because I normally sit alone in my room the whole day minus the rare times I wander out into the rec room which isn't very often and the hour I spend with the shrink each day. I think that this may be my end if I have to stay here too much longer. I have no clue when they plan to let me out and even the man bringing my meals has stopped speaking to me now he opens the door and sits my tray in the floor and closes the door back. Now I no idea what I did to him so I think that it's just part of my punishment. I still won't give in though they won't break me I'm not giving in to this. I'll make myself love this room if I have to.

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Day 6

Another day in here and the walls seem to have moved just a touch further in. I have come to accept my place in here and I've now found that I can try to count the small markings on the floor to pass a little time until I lose count at least. My favorite pass time in here is still jumping on my bed. I've done it at least twenty times today. I gave up on the beating on the door as it has yet to get me any response. I did get the guy to yell at me when he brought my lunch I guess he didn't like me jumping on my bed but fuck it I have to do something. I can say I have found myself busting out in laughter a few times today for no reason. The normally quiet hall was full of excitement today apparently someone thought it was a good idea to piss in the floor. I could hear them bitching about it while they cleaned it. Breakfast was really good today it wasn't the normal slop they call oatmeal with a few berries that I've had everyday since arriving. Today I had french toast, a boiled egg, bacon, and orange juice it was fantastic. I normally don't even bother eating breakfast. They don't even bring me lunch anymore I told them I didn't want to eat lunch and I never do anyway. I have grown bored of this whole punishment shit. I know that they can't keep me here much longer. I try not to think about it though and that has made it a little easier. I do wish they'd let me shower at least, I enjoy the hot water. I don't need to shower but it would be nice just to get out of here even if only for a few minutes. I got a note from the shrink today she said that she expects me to be on my best behavior at our next session but she failed to tell me when that may be. Not that I really care about that I don't like those sessions anyway but I would gladly go just to get out of this room. I'm still not backing down on my request for her to answer my questions though. I won't be such an ass next time but I will still do things my way. The time passing in my room seems so slow the only way I know how long I've been in here is the lights go out after curfew and then come back on just before breakfast. That's not a real concern though I don't really worry about the time so much in here I just like to know so I can find out just how long they leave me in here. I tried to eat my dinner tonight but it was horrible. First they brought me a bologna and mustard sandwich and some plain baked chips that had no salt on them. There was an orange as well that was decent though I'm not to big on citrus. The tea was like dirty piss water no sugar and no real flavor and it was still warm. Anyway I'm done for tonight going to bed and I'll see about writing more tomorrow.