Day 13

First off I just wanted to say that I never did manage to go back to sleep last night. Every time I closed my eyes I could feel myself slipping back into the heat of the nightmare. I just can't understand the terror I am experiencing each night and I have not even been able to get them to try to help this horror to subside so that I can sleep a decent nights sleep. I did request them give me a sleep aid today but the therapist told me that she couldn't give me anything because I was here as part of a rehab program. She told me that I was here for my anger and that any sleep aid she would have available for use would not be aloud to be administered to an angry, volatile, asshole like myself. I don't get it I am here for anger not addiction so that really doesn't make sense to me but I don't have a choice I guess. The therapist told me today that she wants me to attempt to open up to share in group but I won't and I have just begun to be able to let myself open up with only her. I have been seeing things move in the shadows of the room today it's been strange I think the sleep deprevation is causing me to think that I may be insane. If I didn't know better I would swear to it even though I have never even thought that was a possibility. I mean crazy people are those people who talk to themselves or to an imaginary person. I mean they are unkempt and disheveled. I have always been clean cut and never even pretended to acknowledge any non-existent voices or whatever. I always try to take care of myself and I love that I was always able to hold myself in a spot of respect and honor. Anyway, how could I be insane? I was confused by this. She was adament that I try to explore my mind for some underlying cause as to why I have the nightmares. As I tried to think about it and look inside myself I only found the things that we've already covered to at least some extent. I don't know what more she wants from me. How can I explore something that isn't there? My day was okay I guess it could have been better if I hadn't kept jumping at nothing. I want to simply sleep a whole night through and maybe stop these nightmares. They have been with me each night since they started, always the same only more detailed or more time passes by in the dream, each time I close my eyes I find myself being grasped by the same visions. I am not sure what they mean or why they began. It's almost as if I'm living someone else's memories, that's how vivid and real they come across. If they were just bad dreams how could I see, smell, or taste the acrid smoke, burning flesh and hair, or even simply left behing ash, when I awake. Only I have ever experienced any of the phenomanom that is the residual reality overlap from dream to true life. The pain I feel with the nightmares is terrible I have never felt anything even close to it not even the time I feel at work and caught myself on a dryer machine that blistered me in a matter of seconds as it only served to slow my descent to the floor where I broke an arm and ended up with 17 staples in my skull. Even that pailed in comparison by far. The thing that scares me the most though is the fact that I seem to grow more and more convinced that this is what I deserve or maybe even enjoy each time I wake. It's almost like a way to feel alive when everything seems to be like a loop of the same terrible movie ever. I have begun to question the effect of not escaping this nightmare before it completely overtakes my mind. The therapist told me today that she was not amused with my trying to divert the course of my recovery to something that obviously was just an attempt to be funny. No matter how hard I tried she didn't seem to believe me for some reason. I can not seem to convince her that these nightmares are real and I'm afraid if I continue to try she may attempt to punish me for acting out even though I am telling her the truth. I will leave it alone for now because I do not want to extend my stay here if I can help it. On another note I keep seeing shadows moving out of the corner of my eye, I only noticed it yesterday. It is most likely an illusion caused by a lack of sleep. I hate that I'm not able to try to get these nightmares to stop, I have tried to do everything I know how to do. They start anytime I close my eyes, only getting worse each night. I fear me seeing these things will only get worse the longer that I lose sleep from them. Tonight I am going to sleep again and I've asked for a glass of warm tea with chamomile in hopes that it will relax me enough to get some peaceful sleep tonight. So we will see how that works and if I can rest some. I will write more tomorrow once I get out of my therapy session and get back here to my room.

Day 14

I would like to say I can't believe how much I rambled yesterday but my nervousness seems to be getting the better of me. My therapy was okay today I guess, we spoke about alot of things none of which truly matter though it's always about my childhood or my emotions towards my parents. We rarely touch a topic that even seems valid to my current mental state. I just don't see how these things can show why I tend to get so angry. After my therapy I did get to go take a hot shower and it was very relaxing. I really needed it and stayed there for as long as I could before they made me come out. I came back to my room afterwards and decided that I would meditate for a while I didn't sleep well again last night and hoped that it would maybe help me to recharge myself. The nightmares were there last night but not to the extent they have been it was just that I kept tossing and turning all through the night but the nightmares didn't seem to keep me awake the whole night and they weren't as bad as normal. I didn't have the problems with seperating myself from them once I woke up and I was able to calm down and go back to sleep. Today there have been some strangeness, from seeing shadows move to the feeling of someone watching me, it all seemed to be all in my head but I really couldn't say. I keep seeing someone standing to the side of me just outside of my line of vision, then when I turn to look there is noone there. It's seems to be a very tall, dark, brooding figure. In a way it's more like I feel its presence than actually seeing it. I don't know how to explain it well enough to make sense. Then the feeling of someone watching me from a distance or even following me but when I turn around there is nothing there. I wonder if maybe I am starting to lose it in here that would make a lot of things make more sense. It would explain the nightmares and these strange sensations. I don't know if I can take this much longer I think that it will break me at some point. How long can any one person take this before they do lose their minds. Anyway, I did enjoy my meditation it allowed me to focus on a little bit of peace for a few minutes. I began to feel tired and started to slip into sleep and that only led to me starting to see visions from the nightmares. The demon “Oriel” seemed to be looming on the edge of my sanity and the deeper into meditation the more prominent that he became and the clearer I can see him. The flames that were licking at his skin seemed to be alive they almost moved in unison all around him. I have always been told that demons were horrifying and gruesome, but not Oriel he was one of the most bueatiful thing I had ever laid my eyes on. The flickering of the flames was mesmerizing and only seemed to highlight the beauty that he exuded. I didn't even notice the wings on his back this time I don't know why but I didn't see them. He was surrounded with a living fire and it was the only thing that I could focus on and I could feel the totally overwhelming sadness that seemed to permiate the air in his presence that never had been there before and this time he didn't speak to me he just stood there. Just before he disappeared he started to glow brighter and the sadness I felt was slowly overtaken by rage until he finally vanished as quickly as he'd appeared. Afterwards I was unable to focus on meditating anymore and before I knew it I was drawing again I don't even know what was added to the drawings that now were so heavily covering the walls that it had to be simply shading. I still don't know why it feels some much like home and it always seems to draw me into it and it's almost as though I have been to the place before. I feel like I know every detail of this place even though I can't remember ever even seeing it before. I think it's just a coping method to help me escape my current situation. I find it fascinating how the human mind can work. I know that people in general don't care about anything other than what's right in front of them and what benefits them, but for me I always sought to understand the whys of things. For example why do we embrace the technology and not nature, or why we don't want to meet people but at the same time we are drawn to the violence in the world. These are just some basic things I think about but the biggest question for me has always had to have been is what happens after we pass on from this world do we simply fade away, are we ghost, do we simply stay trapped inside whats left of us only to experience darkness, or is there truly an afterlife? The answer to that question has troubled me for many years and I am no closer today to understanding it than I was when I first started to question it. I believe that something has to be there but I am torn as to what I think it is. I have seen things that make me believe that ghost exist, but at the same time I really don't know that I believe there is anything on the other side of life. I was raised to believe in a Heaven and Hell but the older I get the less that idea really seem to be true. I have question so many things in life only to be left with no true answers and it seems that I may just have to accept it as being the way that it is. Does it help to question my beliefs if I never get answers or am I simply torturing myself with them? If only we had some proof that any given belief was real and there was even a little evidence that pointed us in a direction. As for now my only true belief is that humans don't truly deserve redemption as a whole because we are a flawed and violent species. We have done more damage to the world than could ever be undone much less the way we treat each other. I know there are some people who are truly pure and want the best for everyone but how many in comparison. I have given up all hope that we could be put back on a path that leads to peace and the lose of suffering because of the greed and pride that we are all prisoners of. Take for instance how many people we have in the world that are rich and don't care to try to better humanity. They could easily do away with hunger and homelessness but they just sit back getting richer while the poor struggle to survive. Wow where did that come from? Well the tea I requested is here so I'm gonna drink it and try to sleep for a while. Thank you for being here for me to vent, even if you are only a notebook, you seem to be the only friend that I have inside of this place. I'll write again tomorrow.

Stolen story; please report.

Day 15

The nightmares persited but they weren't as bad as they have been I have to say that I won't give in IDK what will happen but last night was ok I slept fine but today was terrible. My therapy all about how I wasn't able to give in. I refuse to believe that I am not making my own choices and that I control my future. The therapist claims that I don't get to chose my own path but I believe that my path is my own fuck the faiths. If any GODS exist I refuse to believe that I must lay down. I will continue to believe that my lineage will continue without me if I disappear I refuse to give in. Why should I my Gods walk to make like greater if I have to give up on the things that set me apart from the world? I have laid my life in the hands of whatever may be making the choices for me and I believe that I will come out in the positive. I can't fail if my Gods truly exist and I will honor them no matter what. I won't give in to the pressure that requires me to lay down and follow some other belief. That being said I have had a bad day and nothing seems to be good let's just say if I am going crazy I will submit if I don't have to give in on what makes humanity great. Oriel has come to me again and it's completely new and different all at the same time. I miss being normal. How do I take what he wants me to take in if I refuse to give in and why would he keep pushing me? I have not stood against him thus far and have no intention too if I can make it out of here. I feel so lost right now I don't know what it is that Oriel is trying to get from me or if he is even real. I have begun to question if I should really be here today I don't know what is worse the fact that everyone here wants me to be crazy or that I may truly be. How do I know I have started to lose hold on the belief that I have been sane this whole time and that maybe everyone is right in saying that I need to be here? Why can't I remember the things that led to my being here? I don't know how long I've actually been here or what it was that sent me here but I know that I have to figure it out no matter what it takes. I need to know if I really am crazy. All they tell me is that I'm here because I'm too angry but I have never been an angry person sure I get mad sometimes but who doesn't. If I never got mad I'd have to be the best human being to ever exist and I know that I am no where near that. I have made more than my fair share of mistakes and I admit that. Hell some of them I have truly embraced because I wouldn't be the man I am without them. I have loved my family and devoted my life to being the man they need me to be and would gladly give my life to protect them or even to trade places with my wife. I wish everyday that I would have passed on in her place even though I know I can't change the past. How can I truly show my shrink that I am a good man and mean no harm to myself or anyone else if all she wants to talk about is my childhood? I just wish she could see me for who I am and not whatever it is that they have placed me here for. I don't know how much more I can do to show her that I really am okay and should be able to go home? I guess I just have to keep playing her game for now maybe at some point she will be willing to listen to me and see that all I want is to go home to spend the rest of my time here on this planet with my family and the few friends that I do have. I know this is not a normal situation but I can't give her something if I don't even know what it is myself. The last few sessions she has made a point to ask me if I'm ready to admit to what lead me here, and I tell her that I wish I could but I don't know what it is and therefore can't. If only she would give me a clue as to when I came here or a vague explanation of what brought me here I may be able to remember. She always tells me I have to remember on my own though as it will be better for my mental health. I just wish I could remember so that I could give her that much in hopes that she would see that I am serious about trying to do what I have to in order to go home. If only I could draw my memories back into my mind like I have the scene that has swallowed up my room. She says that the clues I seek may be found in that place but I don't know how. It does seem so familiar but I have never been there before. So how can any secret to my mind be hiding there. I will take the time to trace every line until I find anything that may be there if it helps and the place does relax me for some reason so if nothing else maybe it will help me to pass the time while I stuck here at the very least. I'm going to try to get a shower in right now if it isn't too late already and then I want to start looking for answers in my drawings. So I'll check in later on if I don't fall asleep before I make it back here.

Day 15 continued

Well I start by saying that my shower was nice even though I was only allowed fifteen minutes since it was so late. I really was able to relax somewhat which was nice after the day I've had. After my shower I came back into my room to find my dinner waiting on me it was a simple plate of salmon with rice and asparagus with a few lemon wedges and a glass of sweet tea. It was quite a treat even with it being luke warm at best. Once I was done with my food I started to trace the lines of the drawing with my eyes at first and then with my fingers. As I followed their paths the scene seemed to come to life and I could see the lines changing and felt myself being drawn in. Eventually I was standing in the middle of the path that led deep into the wooded area that appeared to lead to the hidden front yard of the house. The yard was pretty overgrown the grass nearly hip high, vines growing up the walls of the home, and the tree limbs hanging overhead in a very intimidating type of way. As I approached the house I could see the vines snaking their way in and out of any opening they found inside of the tangled mass. Some even seemed to be breaking windows to provide a path to explore. The vines were dark emerald, covered in thorns and a large number of huge white and pink flowers. They were unlike anything I've ever seen and I could have sworn I could see them undulate with what looked to be a pulse, almost like they were alive. The grass was a jumbled mass of greens and browns swaying with every breeze almost like it was guiding me along my path. I could smell the almost sweet odor of the outdoors wafting on the wind. It took my mind back to the place I'd grown up being a boy and playing all day outside running through the woods and looking for a good place to hang out for the day until the light would start to fade. I could hear what sounded to me like a creek somewhere in the distance adding to the serenity that I felt in this place. The house was the last thing on my mind standing in the middle of that yard all I could do was simply allow the whole scene to intoxicate my mind and lower any concerns I may have been holding onto. I stood there for a long time just taking it all in, allowing the sounds of silence to take hold of my mind. I eventually noticed the abnormally large almost red moon looming over me, I could almost feel the man in the moon watching me as if he were as confused by me as I was by this place. It wasn't scary in the least, the scene was dark and terrifying in a sense, but standing here now I felt “home” in a strange way. It was the closest that I've been to home since I was a teen. After some time I felt the wind push at my back reminding me of my reason for being here. I went to take a step and found myself standing dead center of my room everything was gone in an instant. I was just back I don't know what it all meant or why I even experienced it to be honest. I didn't question it I just was glad that even trapped in here my mind could still escape at least for some amount of time. It took me a few minutes to get my body back under my control in order to move. I decided to write about all this to make sure that I wouldn't simply write it off as a dream in the morning. I guess that I'm going to take advantage of the relaxed stated that I'm currently in to see about getting a truly good nights sleep I'll write more tomorrow.