Day 16

I don't even know where to start today. I guess I can start with I slept very well last night. That is where the good stops for today thus far. My session today was a joke, I was told that I had to be more open with my past and with my willingness to cooperate with the treatment. I have no idea what I did or said that was wrong I simply answered the questions she was asking to the best of my ability. Trying to hold back the fact that I still wanted to talk about my nightmares and even the strange things I've been seeing the last couple days. It's strange the things that I been seeing have only lingered in the edges of my vision. I can't make them out they are simply shadows and blurs that never seem to truly pronounce themselves. I have begun to try and ignore them and that seems to make it worse. I haven't been able to eat at all today and my mind keeps going back to the house from my vision last night and then to Oriel. I can't figure out either of these things I have to be losing it in here. I have sit here tracing lines all day and nothing, no memories and no more visions. I can't clear my mind in order to meditate, I just clear the thoughts to simply find myself wondering about the same things again. My mind has been racing for the last few hours and there doesn't seem to be a reason for it. I even tried to shower but I just stood there lost in thought and decided that I was done after a couple of minutes. I don't know what to do I can't shake the feeling that I am falling into madness worse today than I have the whole time I've been here. I overheard the orderlies talking in the hall about someone that was finally breaking and wasting away. I don't know who they were speaking about but I think it was about me. I wanted to ask but thought better of it as to not get myself in trouble. I called to one of the orderlies after I was sure that they wouldn't think I'd been eavesdropping on the conversation. I asked for something to help me sleep and for a notebook to use for drawing. He informed me that I couldn't have anything for sleep and that he would see if he could bring me a notebook. After a while he came and told me that I would have to come to the desk to get the notebook if I wanted one so I did. I came back here and tried to let the images in my mind flow onto the paper but made no progress and decided to take a break from trying to force myself to focus. The next thing I knew I was sitting at the desk with a pencil in hand and a stack of pages to my left. I began to flip through the pages and they were front and back for a total of twenty-eight pages of drawings of the front of the house from my vision and Oriel. All but one and it was the house and yard swallowed up by flames and Oriel standing front and center holding his hand out in front of him as if beckoning someone to take hold of it. After looking through the pictures I was even more confused about the meaning of everything up to this point. I was sitting there thinking of trying to sleep as I had finally began to get tired at some point. That's when I felt the temperature begin to rise in my room the bright whites and dreary greys began to glow an omnious orange. The acrid odor of brimstone began to take hold of my sinuses. My head started to pound. The voice that floated on the air I recognized instantly it was Oriel and he was whispering the words falling just short of my ears. I had no clue what he was saying but the words felt like they were surrounding me and caressing my skin. I couldn't move I was enthrolled and I was a puppet with out a master to control me. I eventually heard two words that didn't fall short and it was “YOU'RE MINE” there was no harshness or ill will lacing the words. They seemed to be almost... Loving. Why were they so comforting to me I should have been terrified? How can I been so at ease? I finally managed to turn around and just as I caught Oriel in the corner of my eye the room was back to normal and he was gone so fast I wondered if he'd ever really been there, could I have been asleep? Since then I have just layed on my bed staring into the distance, looking beyond the drawing and I haven't been able to wrap my mind around it all so I tried to sleep but I was far to awake for that to be an option. I don't know why but I want to know more about Oriel and his words since the first nightmare he came to me in. I keep trying to summon him to no end. I guess I just have to wait for him to decide to show. I wan't to understand his messages and his motives with concern to me. Guess I'm gonna lay my ass back in the bed for the night sleep or not. So I will write more later.

Day 17

I'll start by saying I didn't sleep a fucking wink last night after I laid down and my mood today has definitely reflected that. My shrink in all her better than you glory decided to press my buttons today after I told her that I didn't sleep and it's stemming from the nightmares that she refuses to speak on. She started by telling me that I was full of shit and just wanted some drugs. Which is a lie to start with I haven't asked for anything other than something to help me sleep and would much prefer not to have to take anything and be able to enjoy a full nights sleep. I don't like drugs I never have it just isn't my cup of tea. I even hated alcohol when I was drinking for all that time. I just couldn't stop when I had started it was my escape. I have given all that up and now I am proud of my sobriety why would I want to lose that when it's what made me the man I am today. I tried to explain all that to her and she still refused to give me anything even a natural remedy. I shut down then. I told her that if they didn't care enough to help me sleep they didn't care enough to help with anything else either. She tried for a little bit, but I refused any attempt even when she threatened to lock me in my room for a month. She finally gave up and sent me to my room to stay for the day saying that I could stay there until I wanted to talk. I again refused and gladly came back to my room to sit and try to get some rest and it isn't happening. They brought me food and I refused it along with every other offer they made to bring me things or to let me go do anything if I'd talk to the shrink. I decided that I was gonna wait out my timeout since I'm apparently a child. I will show them that my will is stronger than their punishments if I have to stay in here then I will. I laid on my bed staring into the drawing that has become the surroundings in my room. I was hoping that maybe I could disappear into it again like before but no such luck. After some time I finally gave up and grabbed a pencil to write. My mind had other plans though and the next thing I knew I was coming out of the trance that seems to take over anytime I draw. As I began to regain my composure I realized that this drawing was on my desk and was completely different than the other one. I began to studdy the drawing trying to understand what I'd drawn this time. It only took a second and I knew what it was I had drawn the setting of the beginning of the nightmare that has consumed every minite of sleep since they began. I was staring at the same flames and Oriel was standing in the center. Oriel was so full of detail that I felt like he had simply appeared there and if not for the dull gray of the lead I may have believed it to be so. I had somehow captured all of the beauty that he radiated. I the drawing the flames that always made up his wings stood out to me even more so than they normally did. I was entranced by them to the point that I swear they were moving while I watched. It was at that point I felt the temperature start to climb. It got hot and it happened fast, so fast that I thought I would pass out. Right at the moment that I felt like I would fall from my chair I felt hands grab my shoulders to steady me and pull me to my feet. It was him, Oriel, he was back for whatever reason. Before he spoke I bombed him with a ton of questions that were circling in my mind. I wanted answers and I was determined that I was getting them from someone even a figment of my imagination if that's what it took. I finally stopped spouting questions to let him have a chance to speak. I stood silent waiting for him to respond, but he simply stood there and after a couple of minutes, my anger growing all the while from being ignored by yet another person, he finally spoke to me. The beautiful voice that he possessed began to swell in my mind and the words began to form.

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“Listen I know you want answer and you will get them, but they will come when they come and until then you will simply wait. You are not ready to know the full truth of your situation. Just know that you are in my care now and you are where you are meant to be soon you will understand it all. I told you that you are mine and I shall guide you along the path as I feel that you are ready. As you stand here now I feel the anger you are radiating although it is misplaced in me. I am here to help and to make a deal with you to try to ease the confusion and torment you seem to be falling into. The only rule is you must speak aloud about the things you have bottled up inside and locked away even from you. If you do that I will provide you a break from the dreams for a few days but againg you must open the deepest recesses of your mind and allow the things hidden there to find their way out. No more pissing contest, you will do what you are asked and you will find answers along the way I will begin to show you more while you are awake like now and not torment your sleep so that you can rest and soon enough you will understand the need for you to be here. Can you do this for me?”

At this point my mind went silent of his voice and I knew he was awaiting my response but the anger was clouding my mind too much at this point and I snapped. “I won't do anything until I get some answers. Who the fuck do you think you are? Why should I trust the words of a monster that hides in the shadows of my nightmares? I want the answers I deserve now. If you can't do that I refuse to comply with anyone or anything in this place. I will simply sit and waste away for as long as it takes for me to die. Fuck these crazy games that I have to play to find out what's happening to me. Why do I even care noone else does? I AM DONE! At that moment I heard him ask me in a calming voice if I was done with my tantrum or if I wanted to continue. As the anger began to cause my blood to feel as if it were boiling I began to speak again. Just as I opened my mouth I heard his laughter echo through my mind. He then appoligized for toying with me as he realized that I was seriously angry and for what I called a good reason. His voice began to fade as did he before I could speak and just before he was gone I heard the last whisper of him in my mind saying that I was welcome and he would appreciate my willingness to cooperate. With that he was gone, this time all the normal smells and heat that would normally be left behind was gone instantly. My mind began to slow and I felt the anger begin to subside after just a couple of moments I was back to my normal happy-go-lucky self. How could I have been that angry and just like that be back to normal? I have to admit though the calm I felt brought with it a strange peacefulness and I instantly felt as if I could sleep for a week. I felt as if I'd pass out before I could walk the six steps from my desk to my bed. As soon as my head hit the pillow I was out. I don't know how long I slept but I slept for the first time without a nightmare since they started and I was thankful for that no matter how long the nap was. When I woke up I felt so much better than I have in a while. I was ready to write and to let out what had happened today I still don't know if I will talk to the shrink in the morning I guess it all depends on the state of my mood then but for now I guess I will quit writing for tonight and leave it for later. I am going to try to sleep more if I can hopefully peacefully again. Let's see how tomorrow goes though.

Day 18

So today was much better that yesterday and I managed to sleep through the night. I didn't awake until they came to take me to my morning meeting with the shrink. I woke to them asking if I was okay. I didn't have the nightmare at all last night and I felt amazing. I was excited, maybe I was done with the whole being crazy thing. I truly hope it was just a phase and would now be gone. I went into the meeting with a smile on my face. The shrink asked how I felt and if I was going to be more involved in today. I nodded in agreement. We spoke for quite some time on things that really didn't feel connected to anything that mattered. That didn't make me hold back though I felt like I couldn't stop it from flowing forth and I feel like I finally have a freedom from some of the pain that has been held inside me for so long now. I don't even remember alot of the conversation I just remember rambling on for a whole long rant. I gave in to the desire to let it out and had nothing to hold me back. I even asked to stay and talk more when the timer went off signaling the end of my session. I was kind of upset when she told me I had to come back to my room so she could see here next patient. I did comply though as I wanted to try to get a shower before time for lunch. After my shower I walked into my room just as the man was sitting the lunch tray on my table. “Wow this is amazing, I have never seen something this beautiful.” He commented while motioning to the desk. I thanked his and sat down to enjoy my meal. I have to say once I started eating I felt like I was starving and I didn't even realize I was hungry before. I finished my meal and called the orderly to retrieve my tray. Once he had left I pushed my door close and laid down on my bed. I was asleep almost instantly when I awoke it was to the sound of Oriel's voice calling out to me. He spoke softly I was actually impressed that I heard it not realizing that his voice was in my mind at that moment. When I looked up he was sitting in the chair from my desk. I had never seen him seem so relaxed. His wings were not showing behind him. So my first thought was where they were. His response shocked me since I'd forgotten that he was in my mind, but he explained that this was the form he used when he needed to be in a place where mortals could see him. He told me that they thought he was a detective who'd come to speak with me about my daughter. He told me that he was here to try to clear some things up for me since I'd done what he'd asked of me. He told me that he wanted to show me some things and explained that he was going to share his thoughts with me. I began to see the images form in my mind it was the scene from my room I was in the yard again just like when I'd become lost in the drawing. His voice floated on the breeze and told me that this was the last place I'd been before I woke up here. I apparently blocked the memories out and convinced myself of a false story of the way my life had played out. I don't know what he meant by that but he told me that when the time came and I was able to step inside the house that everything would reveal itself to me. He tried to explain a few things about our “deal” although most of it really didn't make sense to me but he assured me that it would in time. I was simply enjoying the outdoor air that seemed so real it was as if I had been teleported to the yard and not simply seeing the images in my mind. When he was done the image faded out slowly and I was back in my room and he was no longer there it was just me and the empty chair. I am still not sure what actually happened. The calm that I felt was welcomed though. I just don't like not knowing what it all meant. I don't know what to make of all this, but I have finally given in to the fact that I truly must be insane. I mean if I not how do I explain all of this stuff I have to be. There is no way that I can be sane and believe all the things that are happening to me but I do like the fact that if I'm crazy I can just let it happen and not worry as much about it. There is no reason to care about how others will feel about it way. Also it kind of makes sense as to why I would be here if I am. Now that I have accepted it I feel better and the strain of trying to prove to myself and everyone else that I'm not crazy is gone. I am relaxed for the first time since the first day I remember being here. I guess that I'll just be me and not care what is actually going on. I'm not gonna write too much more today as I want to just rest for today. I hope that this feeling stays with me after today. I just want to keep myself happy if I can. I don't know what is going on or why but hey it is what it is I just have to play the part I guess. That being said I think it's time for me to quit writing tonight and I'll see what happens tomorrow. I think that if it goes well I will attempt to get them to let me go outside to the rec area for a while. We will have to see though.