Day 19

Well today was good too it was strange though things seem to be different I don't know how or why but it seems off. I have tried to figure out what it is all day but I just can't figure out what it is. I don't guess it really matters it's all in my head most likely. I was talking to the shrink about all the things that she asked about from when I was younger. She seems to think that those things are the root of why I'm here but still says she can't tell me that I'll have to remember it on my own. I don't understand how this is supposed to help me more than if she was to tell me. I guess I'll just have to wait and see where it goes she claims that I'm getting close to it even though I don't know anything other than what I did when I first remember being here. Unless you count what Oriel has told me or the nightmares. That is the closest thing to answers I've gotten yet. He just keeps showing up and hinting at what it is that lead me here but I don't know how real it is. I know it seems real but I don't want to believe it because it doesn't really make much sense. How could an illusion know more about me than I do? That being said I do feel more confident in myself making progress since I accepted it. I know that it's only been a couple of days, but so far I feel better and I hope that it continues to stay that way. Although I'm afraid that it has to go back to the way it was before Oriel said he would stop the nightmares. I know he said he would give me rest from them for a while. I know that the shrink has been pleased with me sharing even if I don't want to talk about the things we have been discussing. If it helps me to get out of here I don't really care what we talk about at this point. I did try to mess with her a little today by telling her stuff that made no sense at all but she just went with it and congratulated me on my sense of humor. I tried to tell her that the grass looked orange and that the walls were bleeding. I even told her that the floor was melting away and it was only safe to walk on certain color tiles. It was an attempt to get a reaction but she saw right through it. I can't believe that she played along with it like she did. It was almost like a game and it gave me a chance to not have to be so serious for a few minutes. It was nice to just play for a little while. However brief it was I did like letting myself just joke for a few minutes. After my session I went for a shower and allowed the water to wash away my concerns for what I am dealing with. After my shower I went for a walk around the common area a few times to burn off some energy. I was told that for now I have to stay inside so it was my only option for exercise outside my room. I have decided that I want to try to do something every day to try to burn energy to see if it helps me to sleep better. I wish that this calm would continue for the rest of the time I'm here but I am not hopeful for it. After my walk I decided to go to my room and to draw or meditate which ever came first. I started to meditate and couldn't seem to focus so I turned to drawing. Just like normal I couldn't remember the drawing process but I knew I had from the dust on my hands and the slight differences in the scenery that seemed almost identical as before. The only things that really change anymore are small details and texturing. I don't really notice most of the changes since they are so minimal. However even though I know I've drawn and it is different the main change that is obvious is the fact that each time the scene seems more like home. I still don't understand why. I hope that I can figure it out at some point. I know that Oriel says it's the last place I was before ending up here and once I figured out what was inside it would all become clear. I tried to reach out to Oriel but he didn't show up so I don't know how him showing up here works. I did end up managing to meditate for a while after drawing. It didn't do much for relaxing me but it was a nice break from the norm. Soon after I was done meditating I ended up seeing something move in the corner of my room but it was gone before I could turn to look. I did however see something I hadn't noticed before I wasn't sure what it was it didn't look like anything. It was almost as if it were a blob of ink like you see on those vision cards that you supposed to tell them what you see and it reminded me of a raven. I'm not sure why but once I noticed it I felt as if the room started to fall away and as it did so it was replaced by the yard and the house from the drawing. I was standing in the center of the yard staring at one of the windows on the top floor I could see a shadow standing in the broken glass. I tried to figure out what it was but I just couldn't quite make it out. As the figure started to clear I felt the tell-tale signs of Oriel coming to me. The air started to heat up and I smelled the brimstone that seemed all to close. As the heat rose the air thickened around me and it became difficult to breath. Just before my blood began to boil in my veins I heard Oriel's voice. He was here but I wasn't able to see him I didn't know where he was because his voice filled my mind instead of being spoken by him. He was telling me to walk towards the front porch of the house. I tried to step forward but my legs refused to work. He told me not to try to walk simply to think about moving towards the door and when I did I began to glide forward. It was one of the strangest feelings I've ever experienced. As I approached the house I felt the anger in me rise. It came out of nowhere and I was getting more and more angry the closer to the porch I got. I had no idea why I was getting mad I had no reason to be. None the less my anger was growing like a fire fed by gas. Just as I got to the first step on the porch I was thrown out of the vision so hard that I actually stumbled into the wall from the place I had been standing. It confused me that I was standing because when the vision began I was sitting on my bed. I wasn't mad anymore now that I was back in my room. Everything seemed to be back to normal. I had to write as soon as this was over and I'd gotten my bearings back. Once I came back to reality fully I noticed that I was exhausted so now that I've written all this down I'm going to bed.

Day 19 continued

I was awoken by Oriel's voice echoing in my mind. His beautiful cadence calling out to me deep in my subconcious. How does he do this? His voice feels like silk flowing through my mind. I wish I knew how he did it. I soon realized that he was calling me to follow him back to the house. Before I had time to process his request I was standing near the porch where I had been standing when I was ripped from the last vision. It was instantly smoldering and the air felt toxic. “I don't know what I'm doing Oriel, can't you just place me where you want me to be so we can get this over with?” I yelled. I was feeling the anger that always seemed to come with his approach lately and it was growing rampant. My temper was the least of my worries though seeing as the temperature was still climbing. I could feel my blood bubbling in my veins as it reach boiling point and it was trying to push it's way out of my body. The pressure of my blood was forcing me to struggle simply to stay aware much less to maintain focus. I could feel blood leaking from my tear ducts and my nostrils as it sought any escape from the restricting container that was my body. I let a scream rip from my mouth before I could catch the sound. With that the temperature started dropping rapidly, but held just below the boiling point. I was thankful when the wave of relief that flooded my every cell washed through me from the pressure drop that accompanied the coolness. I say coolness but it was still hot but I was getting used to these type of temperatures while being near Oriel. He seemed to enjoy it but it was like it simply followed him not so much that he emitted it. I don't know if it was a need for him to survive or a side effect of being what he was. I would never ask him though. Maybe he would tell me about himself at some point if I survived long enough. Just then I noticed Oriel standing next to me with a wicked grin on his face. He tilted his head in my direction as I saw his wings spread wide behind him. They were even more mesmerizing this way the flames not only moved as if they were alive but they seemed to form a pattern that for whatever came across to me as a language long since forgotten. It was almost if my mind was trying to translate what was written inside the flames. I know that sounds strange but hey strange seems to be my new normal. “What the hell Oriel, you forget I'm human and can't withstand those temperatures? Or did you mean to do it? I thought that we were finally becoming friends or was I wrong?” I asked half hoping he wouldn't answer. His voice uncoiled inside my mind and washed over every synapse of my mind. “What ever do you mean?” he mused. “I was simply teleporting you where you needed to be. I had to bring you here to help you make progress or do you simply want to stay in that place? I may have gotten a little excited in my haste. My intentions however are mine and mine alone so you will just have to take it how you wish.” His eyes offered no clue as to what he truly thought. With that I was instructed to attempt to get inside the house again. I did as before and thought about moving there to no end. I then tried to speak aloud to myself to coax my body to move and then to curse it for not responding, to which Oriel seemed to take amusement. I tried everything that I could think of but nothing worked, I even asked Oriel to carry me realizing all too late that he knew my thought before I could speak it and he was not very pleased with my “non-exsistent desire” as he put it. After finally growing so angry with him and myself at my being stuck in this one place I let a frustrated yell tear from somewhere deep inside myself. As soon as I yelled even before I finished it's climb up and out of my body I felt a cold, hard impact against my back. I let my eyes open to see two orderlies holding me flat against the wall. They said that I was screaming and cursing so loud that I was disturbing the entire place and when they came in I was unresponsive. Only when I began to make them feel that I was a danger to myself did they try to restrain me and I became violent. I attempted to thrown them off me and even tried to run. I even bit a chunk out of one of their arms. I didn't remember any of it and I cant count how many times I tried to appologize. He told me it was fine that he would heal but I couldn't believe it, how could I act that way even in the trance-like state. I'm not a violent person. I felt horrible at my actions and once they felt confident that I wasn't a danger to anyone they sat me on my bed. One of them left and came back a few minutes later and offered me a bottle of water to wash my mouth and even asked if I wanted a snack, he is a truly good man. He didn't owe me anything but still he wanted to make sure I was ok and comfortable, all while he was still bleeding all in the floor even though he had wrapped the wound in a shit ton of gauze and bandages but I could feel the compassion coming from him as we locked eyes. It was the only time I've truly felt like a human and not just some broken play thing since I woke up here. I thanked him for his kindness and told him again that I was ashamed of myself and I wish that I hadn't done that. His response was simply to tell his partner to go and check on the others and he would be out once I was settled. Once the younger guy left the room he explained that he wasn't mad at me because his wife was suffering from dementia, so he was used to the anger from a person who was lost in their mind. He told me that he was just glad that I'd come to and no one was hurt any worse. He pulled the chair from my desk and sat on it next to my bed. We spoke for sometime, well he spoke and I just kept appologizing to him for what I had done. When he was sure I was okay he told me he had something to show me and rolled his sleeve up almost to his shoulder revealing a scar that ran most of the way down his bicep. He said that in one of his wife's episode she'd grabbed a knife and tried to stab herself and he had barely gotten to her catching the knife in his shoulder as a solid thank you for the effort. That he said was when he realized that sometimes people simply need someone who cares. He rolled his sleeve down and just as he got to the door he turned an smiled in my direction before disappearing into the hall. I felt a single tear roll down my check and quickly wiped it away. I sat there lost in thought for some time before realizing that the man must have been new I had never seen him before. All I knew at the end of it all was I was happy to have someone here who truly saw me as a person and not for whatever it was that brought me here. Anyway I'm going to lay down and hope that sleep will take me away from my reality for a while. I'll write again tomorrow if I feel up to it and still have my privileges of having a pencil and paper after the shrink learns of what happened.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road. If you spot it on Amazon, please report it.

Day 20

So I thought today would be horrible after the episode last night but no one even mentioned it almost like it didn't happen. I was truly surprised that the shrink didn't bring it up during our session. Either she doesn't know yet or she chose to ignore it until later. I was glad I didn't lose the little bit of freedom I have here in my pencils and paper. I figure it's coming at some point though. I have had a good day though we had fresh fruit with every meal today. Oranges with breakfast, some kind of melon with lunch, and a fruit mix with dinner. All of it was so great. I love when we have fruit it's really a treat and I have always loved any kind of fruit. It was one of the few treats that we would have as children when I was growing up. I know it's not much but it's one of the things I could look forward to. Times were always tough back then and nice things were a luxury we couldn't afford, my dad was a mill worker and mom was always home with us kids. I hate that it was so tough for them and when I got older and finally could give back to them I was glad to do so. My dad hasn't work in almost three decades and now drives the car of his dreams thanks to the great benefits that I was able to get from working in the field I got into. He was slow to let me give him anything at first, but slowly he chose to let me. I'm just glad that he gave in. I'm off track now but back to what I was saying. Today has been great, well mostly, it was good until after dinner when Oriel showed up. That was not very good I am still in pain, the heat that came this time was so hot that my blood literally bubbled in my veins the whole time he was hear and I thought that my eyes were gonna burst after a while. He showed up emerging from the scene on my wall, he was walking down the path and right into my room. I kept waiting for his voice to come but it never did. He simply walked to the center of my room and stood there as I watched his figure morph from his normal fiery beauty and living flames for wings into a charred, mangled corpse and then into the form of my wife laying butchered at my feet. I instantly broke into tears and fell to the floor my head in my hands. The rooms heat wicked the tears away from my face faster than they were able to flow forth. I don't know how long he was there or how long I was in the floor of my room dying from the inside out. I just know that time seemed to stand still. At some point he was gone and the room began to cool as I managed to regain my composure. When I could finally move again I made my way to my feet and moved to sit on my bed and contemplate what I'd seen and why Oriel felt the need to torture me with that image even though it was nothing like what happened to her I couldn't help but break. I was lost in my mind for quite some time. When the orderly came in to check on me for the late night rounds I was still in a whole world of mess he saw me sitting there all to pieces and asked if I needed anything and the only response I could give was a bad attempt at a head shake. He stood there a moment and then closed the door quietly and left me to my own vices. This was not even fair how would he do this to me for no reason I thought that we were actually building a friendship between us. Oriel definitely will have to explain this the next time he shows his face here. He's gonna catch one HELL of a fight if he doesn't have some good reasoning behind this and still may even if he does. I have no idea what this was supposed to mean but it's not the least bit funny. I haven't managed to get my mind calmed back down after this. My mind has been going a million miles an hour ever since. I have paced around the room more times than I care to count trying to relax enough even to write her. I don't know if I'll get it under control at all tonight this may be another sleepness night for me. I am trying to wrap my mind around all this and trying to manage to wipe the horribly twisted image of my wife he showed me from my mind. I could use a hot shower to calm my nerves but it's way too late to even think about asking for that. Well, I fucking over this night and I'm gonna try to meditate and hopefully sleep some if I can get to that point tonight. I'll write later or tomorrow sometime I have to calm down somehow before I lose my shit tonight.

Day 21

So today was not the best I still haven't shaken the image from last night and my shrink was not really in the most accepting of moods this morning. She shrugged me off and just kind of ignored me while writing in her notebook. I wasn't too bothered by this though I don't really have much desire to talk today. I did ask about the new orderly and was told that there were no new orderlies and haven't been since well before I came here and I haven't seen him since he left my room two days ago. I simply played it off as I may have just mistaken one of the other orderlies as it was late and the light wasn't that great in my room at the time. I be damned if they use that as a way to say that I have been regressing in my treatment. I spent most of the day just pacing around my room or sitting cross legged in the center of my bed trying to meditate. I have not been able to get a response from Oriel no matter what I try. Drawing isn't happening today either I've tried a few times now to no avail. I don't know I really don't feel like expressing myself much. I hate this turmoil that is in my mind since last night. I have been kind of mad every since the panic finally faded away. I can feel this fury just hanging on the edge of my mind that won't let go of my mind. I doubt I write alot tonight because I really can't express what I'm feeling the words just don't seem to want to form for me. I just wish that I could find a way to get these feelings out maybe I'd feel better. Any way I think that I'm done for tonight I'll write more later.

Day 21 continued

I just woke to Oriel yelling inside my mind with his beautiful voice telling me to wake up and see what he is trying to show me. I didn't even open my eyes I simply shouted back at him and inquired as to What the actual HELL did he think he was doing showing me some shit like he showed me last night and I refused to SEE anything else he wanted to show me until he explained. He simply chuckled and commented that he could make me if I refused to cooperate with what he was asking me to do. “FUCK OFF!” was all I could think to say the next thing I knew I could feel heat radiating around me. The air thickening, and the burning hate that was now pulsating inside my mind. As the heat intensified the hate grew and I could feel the need to unleash my rage on something. I didn't even notice the boiling blood in my veins it simply fed the anger. Just before I felt like I'd explode my eyes were forced open by an unseen force and I was standing at the door of the house from my visions. I glanced down briefly at the porch and notice that I was surrounded with the same living flames that seemed to form Oriel's wings. They were crawling all over my body. When I looked back up the door was standing open and Oriel was standing just inside motioning for me to follow him inside. I stood fast in my determination of making him explain himself and my rage was instantly amplified and I wanted to unleash it all on him right at that moment. Again he chuckled and invited me to try. I was then being dragged inside the house. Just as I passed through the doorway I was being pulled back into my room in the hospital. My skin still aflame with two orderlies dragging me back to my bed and warning me to stay in here tonight or I'd have to be restrained. When I looked back down I was no longer burning and the anger was gone all but the nagging fury that was there before I went to sleep. I felt like I was freezing as they sat me on my bed to leave my room. I wrapped myself in my blanket and didn't move I was asleep a little while later and it was quite uneventful. I woke up and just had to write I feel lost in my own mind and I don't know what's worse the fury lingering in the background or the anger of not being able to get out of my thoughts. I guess I'm done for tonight and I try to write more later.