Day 10

Todays session was good we made some progress towards the mutual goal we have or trying to get me ready to leave this place. I have been drawing on the walls more and the scene is beginning to tempt me to find the meaning behind the chaos that it seems to represent. The path as forbodding as it is has a calming effect on my mind as I stare into it I feel like I'm being pulled further into the darkness that is the forest it represents. I still don't understand why it feels so much like home to me. It just holds a key to something inside of me that I have yet to find. What is it I could be hiding from even myself? I want to try meditating on this fact as I have found meditation to be helpful in claiming my past for myself before. I also enjoy the peaceful effects of it on my mental state as well. It helps me focus on the dark inside of me and to help change the perspective that I have on it allowing me to see the light in the dark. I will have to ask tomorrow and see if I can get some relaxing music to use during this process. The path wants me to travel it as much as I want to travel it so I'll attempt that and if there is a chance that meditating can help I need to try it. I know that I have secrets hidden from even me but I don't know how many of them I really want to uncover because I don't want to find something that makes my life worse. How far can I go into myself before the foundation of my mind begins to crack and I unleash a darkness that I can't find the light inside of? So far there have been some things I've suppressed that once I remembered them that I didn't think I'd ever make it through but I did in the end. When will that luck run out though? We all hide from our pasts in our own ways don't we? What causes the need to hide from these things why not just process our demons when they arise? Questions noone can answer I guess but I still think about it sometimes. The mind can be one hell of a playground I guess but then again it could be considered a prison as well depending on the point of view. Depending on the day I tend to enjoy the process of sorting through the turmoil that is my mind. I have delved into myself for days on end from time to time and it can be a scary thing but it always leads to me finding a way of coping with something that troubles me. Jumping on the bed has been a good pass time while I think to myself in this room and try to find my way to invade the story contained in the drawing that has grown to cover every wall in my room to some extent. I don't mean to draw anymore but I keep finding the pencils in my hand and the smudges of graphite on my hands. The forest has begun to come alive in a way I didn't think possible for a drawing. I can hear the sounds, smells the acrid air, and taste the metallic flavors that seem to float in the air. A large house sits on the wall opposite my bed and I find myself staring into the front window of the decaying home. Vines are growing all over the outside, while shadows plague me from inside. I don't remember the house at all but it seems so familiar to me almost like it's home. I tend to lay here at night just watching to see if the shadows will move and give me a hint as to what they are hiding from view, but I have yet to understand the meaning of it all. I know the darkness seems very inviting to me, stragely it feels like being comforted by an old friend even though It terrifies me sometimes. What secrets reside in this place? Will I ever find them? Do I really want to? What does it say of me that I find the darkness so tempting? Well, I guess that I need a more definitive meaning behind it in order to sort those questions out. Maybe it'll come to me in time but for now I'll just take it as an escape from the wall that hold me in this place. Goodnight for now. I'll write more later but for now I must try to sleep if I can.

Day 10 continued

I awoke a few minutes ago to a nightmare and thought that I should write it down. It felt all to real and I don't know what caused it. I was alone in a dark section of the forest standing in the rain and just letting nature hold me, making me feel complete. After what seemed like hours the forest started to burn the fire spreading so rapidly that I couldn't escape before I was surrounded by the heat of the flames. Just when I was sure the flames would finish me off and take me to whatever the afterlife would hold for me the flames seemed to stand still as if time had frozen but the temperature kept rising until I felt as if I was boiling on the inside. When I turned at a strange noise behind me I found myself nose to nose with what I can only believe was a devil. It was majestic, it glowed with a radiant light that appeared red and seemed to pour out of it's skin. It was beautiful the wings upon it's back where made of flames and stone but the way they displayed themselves was captivating and I lost myself in them until the creature spoke. The voice wasn't spoken alound but more like they were painted into my mind by the greatest of artist they came to life. The sound of the voice was calming and yet terrifing I wanted it to stop but couldn't shake the thought that I wished it would never stop. The voice said “My name is Oriel and I have come to help you find your way to your destiny. You have felt alone for so long now despite your family and friends, still you don't feel as though you belong. I have heard you cry out for an escape from the loneliness you feel. The offer I have for you will fulfill you in ways that you never knew you needed. I simply ask that you accept this offer with the knowledge that all you desire is not what you need. My offer is made out of compassion but it is not something you should take lightly because there will be a price to pay when the time should come.” I never spoke, I couldn't I was frozen in the gloriousness that was Oriel. As if he knew I was interested he continued to lay out this “offer”. “If you should take the gift that I lay at your feet you will never hurt again your fears will subside and the emotions that you fell like hold you back will fade away. You will be wholly satisfied with your life and you will have more than you could have ever wanted. The cost though will be great and you can not change your mind after you choose if you decide to take me up on this then I will give this gift to you but just know that you will regret it one day and you will hate me as much as you will love me before this day. All you have to do is allow me to fill you with the flames of my power.” I stood shocked for an unknown amount of time before nodding my head in acceptance. Oriel began to weep as if he was hurt by my choice and at that moment I felt the flames swallow me up and soak into me as my insides began to burn with a power I couldn't understand. I have never felt anything like it and just as I was completely swallowed up the night flashed with a single bolt of lightning that was made of flames, the air electrified and thickened with the smell of brimstone. The night was broken by this bolt and appeared to be the middle of the day. Before the light could fade I was awake. Just needed to get this out, I have yet to calm down and I'm still shaking and sweating two hours later. Hopefully this helps.

Day 11

My session today was a set back of sorts the shrink thought I was lying about the events of last night and threatened me with being locked in my room again if “I didn't take it seriously.” So I had to let it go but I really was hoping that she could guide me in the right direction. I don't know why she didn't want to speak about it but she said that I was not gonna “play her for a fool.” Otherwise todays session was ok and we did make a little progress I think. I would have been a lot happier if I could get the dream off my chest but I did let some stuff go. I want to see my daughter but they say that I'm not allowed to have visiters until I make a certain amount of progress. That was left very vague though so I don't know what they expect before they will let me see anyone other than the people here. I just want to see someone different and have a normal conversation. I miss my daughter so much I hate that she felt the need to have me placed here but she wanted what was best for me. I know that I was not the easiest person to deal with but I would never hurt anyone if I had a choice and even then I don't think that I could do it. I am not a violent person even if I do get overly angry once in a while. I try to keep it in check as best I can and over the years as I've dealt with the loss of my wife I have gotten better and since I quit drinking it has been much easier to maintain control. I feel like I could go home now and be ok but thats not my choice I guess. How do I get better if they won't let me know what they want from me. I haven't been this stressed in years but I guess being here is just taking it's toll on me. I don't even remember how long it has been since I got here. The only good thing here is I don't have to deal with all the bullshit the world places on us all. No bills, no job, no responsibilities. I can do what I want when I want here most of the time as long as I attend the sessions with the shrink and deal with an occasional group meeting. The group sessions are terrible I always just sit and try to ignore the others as they cry and scream about how terrible things are. I don't like going but they make me. So when I do go I always press their buttons for a while afterwards. When I get the chance I do like the gardens. It's nice to get to breath the fresh air and just enjoy being there. I love those few minutes but I can't remember the last time they actually let me go outside. I have to simply deal with looking out the windows when I can but in my room I don't get that luxury so I rarely do it. Anyway I have been drawing again and the eerieness of the scene is really getting out of hand. Even so I still seem to find it comforting I don't get it. A lot of the walls are covered now I may end up with the walls just being the drawing the ceiling of my room has started to look like black flames, mostly because I can only draw with pencils, but I feel that they belong just the way they are. I have been laying here from time to time and I think that the flames are moving. I know that they aren't how could they. The floors have begun to take on the characteristics of the cobblestone path flowing out of the picture. Why do I feel the need to keep drawing this it's not like I even know what it's supposed to be it was just supposed to be something to piss people off when I started it. Now the drawing seems to be a part of me and I can't stop it from flowing forth from some unknown place in my mind. Even though I never know what to draw to add anything or where I should the lines always seem to be in the perfect place. I never really remember the drawing process, that I don't understand I can remember picking up the pencils then everything seems to fade away before the drawing begins. When I'm done I usually am covered in the dust from the pencils, but it's like someone else takes over and draws in my body but outside of myself. Either way it is something that seems to bring me some kind of joy in this place. I should really get some rest tomorrow is supposed to be a kind of busy day for me apparently. Tomorrow I will write some more if I have time. I think that this is starting to make my time a little less dreadful. So maybe the shrink isn't all wrong but don't tell her that. It may go to her head. Sorry got lost in that thought and I smiled for the first time since I've been here I think. Well I'll write more next time, “Goodnight.”

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Day 11 another nightmare

Well, I had that nightmare again but it seemed just a little different this time I don't know how it was different but I just knew it was. Last night I awoke before the light faded but tonight the light was gone and I could hear voices in the distance chanting something that I was unable to make out. They came as more of a hushed whisper that seemed to fill the entire night sky but I have no clue what they were saying other than one word, “Pain.” Being drawn forward by something I could not see, was terrifying to say the least. I woke just a small flame began to be visible flickering in the distance. When I woke I smelled the foulness of the air in the dream, I even felt the heat still searing my skin although there is no sign of any real damage to me and there was no smoke anywhere to be found. I really hope the shrink will let me open up more about this I don't think I can just bottle it away. It will almost certainly drive me mad if I do. It's been almost a half hour since I awoke and even though I am fully awake now I still feel like my skin is burning ever so slightly almost like standing to closely to a bonfire. I don't understand how this is happening it's like my mind is awake but some of the sensations in the dream follow me out and linger. Could it be that I truly am losing my sanity or am I just so hung up on this dream that I am making myself experience these strange sensations in the real world. I'm gonna try to get the nightwatch to let me take a shower if he can. Maybe the hot shower will allow me to relax and forget about the dream for at least a little while. If he can't let me shower I guess I will write somemore in just a little bit but he seems nice enough and I've never had any problems with him so if there isn't a rule preventing me showering I don't think he would stop me from doing so. I hope that I can calm down enough to get a little more sleep tonight but I feel as though I maybe up for a while. I'm gone for now be back later.

Day 12

Well last night was better after my shower but I just couldn't shake the feeling that there is more to the nightmares than just bad dreams. I had a good day for the most part today I still can't get the shrink to let me talk about the dreams more than a very basic plot. I thought that was what she wanted was for me to open up but she won't let me. What's the deal with that? I just don't get it. Anyway, I loved the chance to stand in the breeze I was afforded on my way back to my room as I strolled the halls and found a broken window. The orderlies made hast to get me away from it i guess for fear I may try to hurt myself with the broken glass. I wouldn't dream of doing that though what purpose would that serve I just want to go home. I did find a new past time today, I found out that if I close my mind off that I feel as though I'm not even here for a little while. I did that for a while today and didn't even realized I had missed lunch until I was served dinner. The day seemed to fly by so that was nice. I hope that I can get a good nights sleep tonight since I haven't really slept in two days. I noticed a slip in my file today before the shrink could slip it out of sight but it made no sense to me. All it said was “He is starting to remember!” I don't what I'm remembering or why it was there to be honest. When I asked she simply explained it away as a reminder for a different patient. If that's the case why did she slip it into the back of my file? Best not to dwell on such things I guess won't accomplish anything. She did tell my that if I can keep making the progress I have been I should be able to “leave soon” she air quoted the leave soon part. I just let this one go I doubted she would explain even if I wanted her to. The day has gotten very dark earlier as if a storm was coming but just as the first crack of lightning appeared it started to clear up again today has just really been strange but I think it may be just my mind playing tricks on me from the lack of sleep. However, I have stopped trying to think today I am too tired to process much more than basic functioning at this point. I just felt the need to let some of this out tonight and since I can't sleep I was hoping this would help to ease my mind as well. I just sat and stared at the paper for a long time not able to convince my brain and body to work together. When they finally did begin to act in unison I couldn't seem to stop myself from writing the words seem to simply flow directly from my mind to the paper. It was very effortless I didn't even know what I was going to write but I just had to let it out. The writing is slowing some at this point but I don't really want to stop writing and go to bed the nightmare may just start again. I guess I will have to try to sleep though I hope that I sleep through the night tonight. I guess I'm going to lay down for a while and see if I sleep. Write again tomorrow.