...I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world.

Surely nothing but the cleverest of all clever minds could've come up with the idea to use positive affirmations to escape this horrible pink hell. And that mind is my mind. And the 'my' here is Everett. I'm Everett. Don't let anyone else tell you I'm not. Tell me if you hear someone say my name is not Everett. For I will take that person and throw them off a cliff into a lake of lava. That is also full of sharks.

And anyone who says I shouldn't implement this plan will also get cliff-lava-sharked. Yes, no one will tell me how or how not to achieve the greatest goal of the beginning of time until the heat death of the universe (whatever universe this may be). And I will keep saying this positive affirmation while sitting in a lotus position every day from now until that latter time.

I call the place I woke up in The Endless Fields of Pink or EFOP, though I don't know if this place is truly endless. It just feels like it is because everything here is pink. And I believe that pink is the color equivalent of the look in the eyes of a puppy so stupid that said animal poofs away in the womb because the universe can't sustain its stupidity. I hate pink so much that I've often fantasized about changing all shades of pink into shades of blue. And at the end of this change, I'll be all like "Ha, ha, take that you dumb color!".

I’m so lucky that I’m so clever and have thought of this genius and yet oh-so-simple escape plan. If I hadn’t, I would’ve died of pink exposure. But far before the signs of such a disease appear, I’m going to say my positive affirmations a certain number of times and punch a hole between realities. Then some form of transportation will appear to take me home. During the 209 days that I’ve counted so far, I’ve looked for doors, portals, tunnels, pathways, ladders, slides, water slides, caves, air ducts, giant spouts, ski lifts, escalators, auto walks, trapdoors, windows, elevators, stairs, palanquins, carriages, chariots, submarines, jet skis, tuk-tuks, rafts, ATVs, RVs, monster trucks, moving tables, rollercoaster cars, rollerblades, steam engines, mobile homes, bicycles, trains, catamarans, motorcycles, snowmobiles, sleds, buses, flying carpets, scooters, rocket ships, jetpacks, skateboards, trams, segways, rickshaws, hovercrafts, yachts, railways, subways, flying carpets, gondolas, hot air balloons, cable cars, boats, ferries, canoes, kayaks, planes, paragliders, cars, helicopters, mules, horses, ponies, camels, unicorns, giraffes, ostriches, dog sleds, whales, dolphins, or sharks and have seen nothing. But I know it’s reasonable for such a high-level quantum materialization to take a fair amount of time to manifest. This is especially the case when a mortal is the one trying to induce the manifestation. Doing this should be much easier once, through the power of positive affirmations, I become a god.

And it doesn't matter if it takes, say, one quadrillion years or more to work. I can live that long. As long as I've lived in this pink hell, neither hunger nor thirst has bitten me with their fangs. I also do not suffer the effects of going without food or drink. Because of this, I won't age. I'll be here until either this world ends or I find a way home.

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Then I'll be back with my darling family. There's ol' Uncle Larry who threw a hornet's nest into a grocery store when they didn't have one hundred bottles of Kombucha on hand. My mother likes to dress up as a clown, go to bars, and pretend to get dead drunk so some stranger would bring her home and force-fuck her. She does this behind my lawyer "father's" back.

As you can see, people like them need someone as cheery and optimistic as me back. Unfortunately, many of them may have committed some violent form of suicide because my disappearance devastated them so much. I won't ignore the possibility of this, but I sure hope that's not the case. I hope that they just have hearts that are all cracked up like an old pot and my homecoming will make these cracks disappear as the lingering remains of crack would disappear inside a crackhead who's going off crack.

And there are many other bodily parts I need to get back to healing as well. You see, on Earth, I worked for a place called Great Hospital. I was a body snatcher there. Well, most of you should be able to identify the job by its proper title: EMT. Though I guess sometimes that joke title we all tossed around varied in level of accuracy from one moment to the next. The guy who got flattened by a fallen billboard sign for The Little Divers' School got a time of death on the site. The gal who got shot four times by her husband after he mistook her for a charging walrus (at least as far as he said) had left before we got there. Then there was the man who fell out of an empty window frame on the tenth story of a building, through a canopy, and onto the new set of windows being delivered. He made it, actually. But then a piece of glass on our city's glass bridge broke underneath him and he fell 12 feet to the ground.

As you can see, EMTs find people when they look like nothing more than a mixed pile of meat. And that just reminds you how easy it is for you or someone you love to become only a mixed pile of meat. Everyone just becomes meat waiting to be ground up by the grinder of the world. And there are so many people becoming meat every single day. Being in that state of mind messes people up. So I could understand why so many of my EMT coworkers left either the job or life itself.

But not me! I wasn't just an EMT. I was The Awesome EMT; catchphrase: "Stress doesn't mess with the best". They called me emotionless for not going insane like they all did. In truth, I still held hands, spoke calming words, and closed lifeless eyes before putting on the sheet. I was just able to not let the darkness drag me down. And that made me such an essential asset to Great Hospital. I believe I can be this again if I get back.

So until this world ends, I end, or, because of all this insanity my brain shrivels up to the size of a drop of water from the Mediterranean Sea in a spot just off the coast of France, I'll keep saying my positive affirmations every day. And that includes today. Now, if you'll excuse me...

I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world. I will find a way out of this world.