In some places on EFOP, the grass grows to the height of stop signs. I don’t bother performing my rituals here, but I still need to move through these areas to get to other areas. Doing this is difficult. To be frank, moving through this very tall grass can be the emotional equivalent of smelling the stinkiest of arm pits. In the places where the grass gets as tall as my shoulder, I often need to place my hands on my shoulders, bend my elbows, and then stick my elbows out on either side. Holding this position when I move forward, backward, or sideways bends the grass as I go. And I can’t ask each hand to grab the shoulder opposite it. That would make them mad. And everyone knows that it’s very hard to deal with mad hands.

Also, I often scream or yell as I barrel through these grasses. I believe it enhances my power. So I’m assuming that I look like an excessively tall and deranged chicken while I’m performing my rituals. At present, I’m running through one of these areas screaming and yelling as if I am a Viking or Spartan charging in to battle. And I suppose I am fighting a battle; one that is leaving me victorious against these hideous pink stalks. They’re all bowing to me, their chicken ruler. Even those stalks ahead of me know their rightful place and are bowing before I even make it to their location. They know they must suffer for their sin of being pink. Ahahaha!! Wait...

I imagine myself tossing my current thoughts into a box, then closing the flaps and sealing that box with packing tape. Then I take that box and place it in another, larger box. This box goes into a lockable standing cabinet and I lock the doors behind my package. I then push the standing cabinet into a walk-in freezer that is around 75% full of dynamite. Then I blow the freezer up. Only then could I fully focus on the situation before me.

As far as I know, there is no physical way in this world for the pink grass to bend like this. Rocks don’t seem to exist in this world. A piece of branch could be causing the bending, but if so, shouldn’t the bending be taking on a more line-like shape rather than a circle? A bundle of stalks may do that, but that thing in the middle seems heavier. Perhaps the Pink Gods have sent down a companion animal like a cat or dog. Or it maybe it’s some kind of alien device that’ll jump on me and eat my kidneys. Is the possibility of getting a new companion worth the risk of having no kidneys anymore? Since I’m not eating or drinking, it’s likely I don’t need them. And I am rather lonely here.

I creep up to the spot and bend over so I can get a good look into the depression. The smell hits me first. What I then see is a fresh pile of dog poop. Yes, it’s straight poopie poopity poop. Poop pooper poopen poop poopiest poop poo’d! Poop poopity, poop poopity, poop poop pa dee pop poo! Pooparoni poop pooxen poop pootermelon! A dog poo’d and made this poop from its butt. Poopy poopy! Poopy the dog! Yes, yes, it’s from the butt of a dog. Yes, that butt, the butty butt! The buttiest butt pooped out all this poopoo on top of the poopiticus poopiticus poop. Where’s the poop? It’s right there on the grass. Yes, that brown stuff there is poop, dog poop. Why is there dog butt slop from a dog called Button here? Hahaha, there are no dogs here to poopie. No, no, no poopie without doggie! Without dogs, I shouldn’t find any poop. So for what reason am I seeing a pile of such poop now? The Pink Gods sent it. Yes, those bastards sent me a poop mail. Was it from their butts? Maybe the Pink Gods are dogs. No, that can’t be possible. They’re not nice enough.

Sorry, I believe that my brain had some kind of “attack” back there in reaction to that pile of dog feces. I return to normal and decide to ignore the dog poop. I try to turn back so I can continue moving through the tall pink grass.

"EAT THE DOG POOP!"

I hear the voice as though something inside my brain had produced it. The volume and tone of it startles me, but not because it sounds like a rough, angry man. Rather, it sounds like a robot who was the offspring of two robot characters I know. Then a squirrel raised them and they got the animal’s accent. And then, after the robot’s voice box got all this sound data, someone ran it through a blender while the robot tried to speak. To put it more bluntly, it was loud, squeaky, and garbled. But, of course, the raw jaggedness wasn’t gonna make me actually obey Squirhal-5 here.

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I return to my attempt at turning away from the dog poop. Turn: hips: left. STAND: STRAIGHT: CURRENT LOCATION. The order from Squirhal-5 invades my mind and takes over my body. I can't even shake or scream to express my fear.

But I don't let myself remain so paralyzed for very long. I fight back with my own orders. Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: right! Move: right leg: forward! Then I repeat these several times. Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: right! Move: right leg: forward! Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: left! Move: left leg: back! Turn: hips: right! Move: right leg: forward!

And I also decide to make use of a positive affirmation. Yes, I, Everett, am so clever that I can create a positive affirmation on the spot. Ha, ha, ha! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP!

Yes, it's working! My foot moves up 3.7 centimeters. My left hand moves 1.65 centimeters to the left. HA HA HA!!! You Pink Gods can all go jump off a space blimp! I consider taunting them in between my positive affirmations as I have done before. I can’t speak, but I know they can hear me scream internally because they’ve attached so many wires to my brain. And if I taunt them loudly enough, I can make their speakers explode.

I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! You can’t force me to eat the dog poop! You won’t even get me to bend over and pick up the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! Only I have control over my body! I’m the ruler of this fleshy castle! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! You all can’t match the power of a positive affirmation! With it, I have the power over all of creation. I can poof you all out of existence! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop! I will move away from the dog poop!

Squirhal-5 keeps sending in the commands. STEP: LEFT LEG: FORWARD. STEP: RIGHT LEG: FORWARD. But I know I have the strength to keep fighting! I continue to scream taunts and positive affirmations. I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! YOUR MACHINES WILL DIE AND SO WILL YOU ALL! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! AAAAAARAAAAAAH!!!! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP!

BEND: BOTH KNEES: FORWARD! NO! THIS IS MY BODY, NOT YOURS!!! PLACE: RIGHT KNEE: ON GROUND! Eeeeeeaaaaaguuuuuhhh!!!! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! NO, YOU WON'T.... YOU WON'T GET AWAY WITH THIS! THEY'LL FIND ME!!!! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! I WILL MOVE AWAY FROM THE DOG POOP! PLACE: LEFT KNEE: GROUND. YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! I HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! IT'S MY BODY! BEND: BACK: FORWARD. YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY. ONLY....ONLY I HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! GET THE HELL OUT OF ME!!!! PLACE: BOTH HANDS: GROUND. THEY'LL PUNISH YOU!!!! THEY NEED ME!!! THEY'RE SEARCHING FOR ME RIGHT NOW!!! ALL MY COWORKERS, PEOPLE I'VE SAVED, MY FAMILY, AND MY FRIENDS ARE SEARCHING FOR ME RIGHT NOW! REACH: RIGHT HAND: FORWARD. PLACE: RIGHT HAND: ON POOP.

I feel the warm, squishy wetness of the poop. YOU CANNOT HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! ONLY I HAVE CONTROL OVER MY BODY! IT'S MY BODY... MINE!!! LET ME HAVE CONTROL OF MY OWN GODDAMNED BODY! CLENCH: RIGHT HAND: ON POOP. NO!!! NO!!! THIS IS DISGUSTING!! STOP!! Please stop! Please... LIFT: RIGHT HAND: WITH POOP. YOU CAN'T DO THIS TO ME! LET ME HAVE CONTROL OF MY BODY! PLEASE, DON'T YOU HAVE ANY KINDNESS?!?! PLACE: POOP: IN MOUTH. CHEW: WITH TEETH: DOG POOP.

...

It tastes like chocolate.