Right around there is when I finish my morning positive affirmation session. You may think that I should say my positive affirmations all day, but I can't do that. Okay, I can. Don't you DARE go around believing that I can't! But I feel like doing so would be about as good of an idea as standing in a field holding up a lightning rod under a clear sky. It's not a terrible idea. There are plenty of worse ideas. However, this idea is still not a thing I should do because the sky could go zap at any moment.

Positive affirmations are powerful, but they can't shift reality on their own. So anyone who thinks positive affirmations can do this needs to stop it. Yes, stop it right now! There's another type of manifestation strategy that I need to perform on top of the positive affirmations to achieve my goals. So to any of you who are reading and want to try this reality-shifting method for yourself, take some of the "belief energy" you're putting into positive affirmations, wrap it up with a nice little bow on top, and gift it to this other thing I'm about to mention.

These are rituals. No, I'm not talking about something akin to those Aztec rituals; the ones where they rip organs out (which, come to think of it, may have inspired piñatas). My rituals are more akin to witchy or pagan sorts of rituals. In those, one gathers specific herbs, draws certain shapes, and performs certain movements. A lot of media depicts the witches or pagans as being naked during their rituals, but I don't think that happens or is necessary. I'm stark naked during my rituals, but that's more because I find it more comfortable to be so. It doesn't help or hurt the ritual.

Other than that stark difference (ha ha), my rituals are a more toned-down version. They have specific movements done in specific places. After my positive affirmations, I do random motions. And by random motions, I mean random but not actually random. They’ll make no sense to you if you were watching my naked movements like a pervert. But they will make sense to me.

You see, saying my positive affirmations helps my subconscious accurately perceive the forces and elements that make up this world. I'm talking about the gravity and electromagnetic forces alongside gold, helium, praseodymium, and so on. After as many positive affirmations as I have done, my subconscious now sees how all these things fit together as well as it could see the circuitry in a computer. Once it has that, it can figure out what will rearrange all that stuff as far as physical movement is concerned. Then it tells my conscious what movements I need to make and I do them.

For example, I have run over the tall, plastic-looking pink grasses that cover this world at three specific distances. The distances I use are 3.65 miles, 7.24 miles, and 0.3 miles. How can I know these distances without a measurement tool? That’s easy! I just feel when I’ve finished. I’m an incredible feeler.

Besides running, I have also crawled, somersaulted, rolled, cartwheeled, lept, tiptoed, walked, skipped, stomped, marched, limped, slithered, walked on all fours, walked with a branch as a cane, walked with a branch tied to my leg, hopped on one leg, crab walked, leapfrogged, Naruto ran, dab ran, wormed, ran with my arms and torso on the ground, spin down swept, windmilled, square danced, waltzed, pirouetted, shook myself while walking, shook myself while dancing, shook myself while crawling, shook myself while running, dragged myself with my legs fully outstretched behind me, dragged myself with my legs crossed, dragged myself using only my right arm, dragged myself using only my left arm, dragged myself only using my left leg, dragged myself only using my right leg, dragged myself using only my right arm and leg, dragged myself using only my left arm and leg, dug up the ground as I leapfrogged, dug a trench and walked through that, walked around with a clump of grass in my hand, ran while spinning my left arm, walked while spinning my left arm, crawled while spinning my left arm, ran while spinning my right arm, ran while spinning both my arms, hopped while spinning my right leg, hopped while spinning my left leg, walked while spinning my head, and walked while spinning my shoulders across the fields as well.

And then there are the things that I do to the pink grass. To be honest, I believe I do some of these actions because I want the pink grasses to boil like potatoes in a version of hell that’s ten times as bad as the normal version of hell. But the rest of the actions that I perform come directly from my subconscious. I have stood within a certain area, closed my eyes, and let my mind guide me to particular grass stalks. Then I pull each of these up with varying speeds. Sometimes I feel like pulling up whole clumps of grass. So I do that. Sometimes, I think I will pull up some kind of trap door underneath all the grasses. If I do, I’m going to find some weird computer area with a ton of video games, stuffed animals, snacks, and a control system for the world. I am always disappointed with these efforts, though.

I have also tied the stalks together or to branches of the trees. At other times, I have split the stalks in halves, quarters, thirds, tenths and sixteenths. After I have split them, I have stacked them in precise orders while they're flat or tied into knots I have previously created. For example, I may stack a sixteenth piece on top of a quarter piece. On top of that, I would put a third piece. On top of that, I would put another third piece and then another third piece and another third piece before finally adding another third piece. Repetition is one of the most unexpected but often seen patterns in nature, so I feel that it's necessary to put so many of the same knots on top of each other.

When I haven’t been creating piles with my grass stalks, I’m combining my grass stalks with other rituals to make old, boring rituals into bold new rituals. I’ve carried them in between my teeth like pirates carry their knives, tied them to my hair, tied them to fingers, tied them into jewelry and worn them balanced them on my hand, stuffed them between my buttcheeks, shoved pieces of them under my fingernails, rested them on my ears, tied them to my nipples, placed them in my nostrils, placed them in my ear holes, and filled my mouth up with pieces of them and then kept them there while crawling, somersaulting, rolling, cartwheeling, leaping, tiptoeing, dancing, skipping, stomping, marching, limping, slithering, walking on all fours, walking with a branch as a cane, hopping on one leg, dab running, waltzing, pirouetting, shook myself while walking, shook myself while dancing, dragged myself with my legs fully outstretched behind me, dragging myself with my legs crossed...well, I’m sure you get the concept by now.

Enjoying this book? Seek out the original to ensure the author gets credit.

The oak-like but pink-trunked and pink-leafed trees that occasionally appear on the landscape are another set of things that I have interacted with during my rituals. In fact, I first got the idea of the ritual thing because of my previous habit of knocking on every square inch of one of these trees. I believed that some kind of Alice in Wonderland-esque or other strange fantasy character would pop out of the tree. And they’d say something like “How do ya do?”. Then I’d have a friend to talk with. And we could have tea parties, go to the movie theatre, play video games in his/her house, and so much more!!!

I don’t do this much anymore as I have too often found myself disappointed and most of the trees I run into have my mark (three grass pieces tied together around the trunk) that prove I have visited the tree before. But once in a while I’ll knock again. It is possible that someone or something has moved into the tree when I haven’t been there.

After this or at the start of every tree interaction ritual, I have taken every 1.6 feet of each branch I can reach and have sat my butt on it, sat my crotch on it, laid on it with my stomach, laid on it with my back, hung on it by my legs, hung on it by my feet, hung on it by my legs, hung on it by my elbows, hung on it by my left elbow, hung on it by my right elbow, hung on it by my left hand, hung from it by my right hand, hung from it by my left knee, hung from it by my right knee, hung from it by my left foot, hung from it by my right foot, stomped on it with my right foot, stomped on it with my left foot, hit it with my right hand, hit it with my left hand, hit it with my left nipple, hit it with my right nipple, hit it with my stomach, hit it with my guts, hit it with my upper back, hit it with my mid-back, hit it with my lower back, hit it with the front of my right shoulder, hit it with the front of my left shoulder, hit it with the side of my left shoulder, hit it with the side of my right shoulder, hit it with my left biceps, hit it with my left tricep, hit it with my right biceps, hit it with my right tricep, elbowed it with my left elbow, elbowed it with my right elbow, elbowed it with both my elbows, hit it with my forehead, hit it with the left side of my head, hit it with the right side of my head, hit it with the back of my head, hit it with the front of my neck, hit it with the left side of my neck, hit it with the right side of my neck, hit it with the back of my neck, put my right ear to it, put my left ear to it, hit it with my left ear, hit it with my right ear, put my left heel on it, put my right heel on it, put my left toes on it, put my right toes on it, put my left toes on it, kicked it with the ball of my right foot, kicked it with the middle of my right foot, kicked it with the heel of my right foot, kicked it with the top of my right foot, kicked it with the back of my right ankle, kicked it with the front of my right ankle, kicked it with the ball of my left foot, kicked it with the middle of my left foot, kicked it with the heel of my left foot, kicked it with the top of my left foot, kicked it with the front of my left ankle, kicked it with the back of my left ankle, put my right index finger on it, put my right forefinger on it put my right ring finger on it, put my right pinky on it, put my left index finger on it put my left forefinger on it put my left right finger on it, put my left pinky finger on it, and put my left thumb on it. I have also hit the branch with blades of grass, a branch from another part of the tree, a branch from another tree, my right pajama pant leg, my left pajama pant leg, the back of both my pajama pant legs, the front of both my pajama legs, the front of my underwear, the back of my underwear, the front of my pajama top, and the back of my pajama top. Beyond that, I shake branches with all accessible parts of my hands, my arms, my elbows, my legs, my knees, my neck, my pajamas, and the stalks of grass. And, finally, I have tried plucking leaves, ripping pieces of leaves off, twisting branches off, twisting pieces of branches off, snapping branches off, snapping pieces of branches off, tearing off pieces of bark, and removing the bark from the trunk.

And then there's the pink sky that never has a cloud. I do stuff at it while sitting, standing, or laying down. I have flipped off the sky with both hands and then each one individually, thrown a peace sign at it with both hands and then each hand individually, snapped my fingers at it with both hands and then each hand individually, thrown a thumbs up at it with both hands and then each hand individually, pretended like I'm dancing with it, thrown branches, stalks of grass, and rocks at it, jumped at it, flipped at it, tried to grab it, moved my hands across it, moved my right hand across it, moved my left hand across it, moved all my fingers across it one by one, wiggled my fingers at it, kicked my foot at it, moved my feet across it, moved my left foot at it, moved my right foot at it, wiggled my toes at it, waved all my limbs at it, waved only my arms at it, waved only my legs and feet at it, sung a variety of different songs to it, and recited poetry to it in a soft voice.

Today, I’m walking 3.65 miles. My brain tells my body to move in various ways. Decide: action: running. Decide: distance: 3.65 miles. Decide: starting point: 10.82 feet away. Walk: forward: to starting point. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.34 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.21 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.56 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.34 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.45 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.89 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.02 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.05 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.78 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.26 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.94 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.24 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.02 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.65 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.43 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.24 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.73 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.41 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.195 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.36 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.70 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.27 seconds. Walk: forward: in straight line. Stop: rest: 1.19 seconds....