“The two most important things in your life are: the day you were born, and the day you find out why...”
— Mark Twain.
>> Life is like a video game. The tasks we do are the quest to acquire something.
Experience counts us in to gain level and achieve the goal we want. Dungeons are the circumstances, and the enemies are the consequences we faced along the way.
And from the whole setting of the play itself, we are the avatars and the one who manages the control.
Game over is the set where we face the end of acquisition from something.
Whether we find anything fulfilling, or something that may change the course of our route, that will tell us if we need to proceed or stop.
But unlike the video game, life has no spawn. We can’t go back to the things we do when everything is over. We can’t repeat something that makes us correct the wrongdoing we’ve done.
As per what one quote said: “You only live once...”
“If I won’t be able to be with you, then...”
Those words lure out from someone’s mouth. One thing I never expected is to see the person I used to know.
The one I’ve been longing to see happens to stand right before me. “Hey, Catherine—-“
“—-Please, die for me... Senior.” A harsh, cold words left out on her mouth. Her eyes stares at me full on void on it. In the crowd place, we stand together and closer to each other.
How it turns like this?
♦ ♦ ♦
>> Saturday:
Since the last time we talked, I never heard anything about Catherine. She never sent any messages from the text I gave. That shows how she really is in pain right now.
“Hey, you’ve been found a girlfriend already?” looking at his laptop, my friend, Patrick asked.
“I haven’t, but a junior of mine told me her feelings...” I answered languidly while holding a console. My eyes focus on the TV while the game is on.
His fingers keep typing on the keyboard as I heard the clack of keypad. “You should find someone soon. You’re getting middle-aged soon...”
“I know, but you see... there’s something in me that tell no one’s here is for me...”
“Huh?” he then stops and turns to look at me. “What do you mean, huh?” I took a glance at his side, while my hands keep pressing the keypads on the console.
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“No, I never imagined you say that. We’ve been known each other since High school, but...”
His words trail out. I sigh and click the pause on the game due to his thoughts. “Kind of bizarre, right... It is how I really feel.”
“Yeah, you’re weird. Not getting attracted to an opposite sex no matter how cute or pretty they are...”
Patrick scoffs at me. He knows that I’ve been looking at any girls my age even before.
“And here I thought you were homosexual...” he added and grins. I scoff deprecatingly at his words and shake my head sideways.
Right now, I’m thinking about what to tell over Catherine’s feelings for me. She has been holding it for a decade now. The feelings she has, that has been so much special for a person like me... and I wasted it all.
“You have deep thoughts there, pal...” in the silence reigning, Patrick utters to me.
“Huh? I’m thinking of something to tell her about it. You know, she’s been keeping it until now... but I just wasted it all.”
“You think so?” he asked. I turn sideways to look at him, as his eyes remain focusing on his laptop.
“If I’m the one you asked if what you did is right, I will say it does better than do a make believe relationship with her...”
My lips tugged tight while listening to his thoughts. “Telling what you truly feel is one of the good points you have as a person. Not all people could do what you can, Justine...”
He then turns to look at me and smiles. “Don’t get bothered by it. I know she got hurt, but it’s the consequences of everything. It is something we can’t stop. An inevitable thing; no matter what we do, we can’t stop hurting someone.”
His lenient words somewhat made feel a little ease. Until now, I keep thinking about the things happen between us.
Catherine is an irreplaceable person to my life. She’s been dear to me, and that won’t change.
And now, I wonder... if I can still talk to her again on the time we meet. I wish we could. Though the only thing she needs now is a little space.
Even so, I will still wait for the time for the two of us to be better again. But then, I guess that won’t be easy as it seems.
♦ ♦ ♦
>> Monday:
The usual day happens; a bright and sunny day once more appears. In a brisk pace, I walked towards the station. This time, I want to make things right.
Around 15 minutes, I reached the train station and bought ticket. Arriving on the platform, I waited for the arrival of train to ride, when suddenly...
“Senior...” from my back, a familiar voice calls out to me. Turning sideways, I saw the girl I’ve wanted to see.
Wearing an off shoulder dress with floral designs and sneakers, her appeal as a pretty woman gives off; her hair designed with braid on it and a small hand bag hanging on her shoulder.
“Catherine...” I called out. She then stands beside me, as other passengers come over. “.... I’ve been sending you messages, but you didn’t reply...”
“I was busy with something...” she answered. The way we are now seemed to be distanced. I feel that there’s something dividing between us.
“Uh... Catherine. I want to say—-“
“—-You don’t need to say anything to me, Senior...”
Before I continue, Catherine chided in as she gazes at me. From her gaze is the hollowness of her eyes that made me shunned out of surprise...?
“I’ve been thinking about it. You can’t answer my feelings... and that’s a given. Yet...”
She uttered. I can sense the hatred still hanging in her. I was just there, standing while listening to her thoughts. There are no words coming out from me.
“...I am naïve. I am stupid for believing that you will change after many years. I’ve kept these feelings just for you... and...”
“I’m sorry...” in my soft, yet sincere feelings I left those words out. “Yeah, it’s just something you can say. That’s right...”
On the P.A. voice line announcing that the train will arrive in 3 minutes. I face her and look directly into her eyes.
“Look, I know I was wrong... but I can’t let myself lie to you. I don’t want to hurt you—-“
“But you already did—-you already succeeded in hurting me...” She grins. A grin full of hatred and sorrow shows up.
At that moment, her hand then gets to the handbag and rummaged inside. “If I won’t be able to be with you, then...”
Picking up something, Catherine shows a devious smile on her lips. A Taser gun on her hand and points it on me.
“Hey—-“
“—-Please, die for me... Senior.” Pressing the trigger, two probes conducting electricity directly hits my chest. A sudden jolt shunned my body, causing a fall from the platform.
I lay down the rail as my body keep getting electric shock from the Taser. The entire crowd of passengers clamors out from what happened.
My mind’s getting fuzzy from the sudden happening. Everything’s going hazy; I can’t say anything. On the rail, a vibration lurks over. “Hey, you! Grab my hand! Grab my hand!”
From the distance, a guard chided in the crowd and reaches his hand to me. I can’t move; my body froze from the electric shock.
Over the platform, I saw Catherine’s grim smirk lures in my eyes. “Goodbye, Senior...”
She then vanished in the entire crowd. Their clamors become distant. I don’t even know what’s happening.
Through that moment, the train comes forward. Its heavy vibration on the rail lurks in my body. “Come on! Grab my hand!” the guard grunts out.
I want to, but my arms are stiff to move. My body got paralyzed completely.
“... I don’t know why... but is this the way how I will die?”
That’s the only word I said softly.
The train goes forward without stopping. Blowing its horns, the tolling sound almost breaks my eardrums.
I think this is the time for me to die... I did regret not answering her feelings. If only I knew this thing could happen... If I know that this turns out to be the worst outcome...
But then, everything turns into slow motion... no, I see that the surroundings stopped for a moment. Crimson light appears where I am, beaming to cover my body.
On my pinky finger is a hot feeling; a surging sensation of flame burning my skin. I turn to look at it and the red string attach to it.
“Huh...?” I grunted. Soon after, the train moves forward to hit me. This will be painful for sure, but before I feel anything, I suddenly vanished.