The door creaked open and I had to admit the lady had the art of horror and suspense down to an art.

I mean, she had built her tiny hovel in the middle of a swamp, she had leafless trees that were gnarled and the bark sculpted to look like terrified faces. The bugs that swarmed through the air were an eerie white, the only time they stopped glowing was when they dove at you to get into your hair and clothing. They didn't bite, which was oddly more creepy. I have freaking bugs wriggling around in my joints and it was disconcerting for me. The lighting was that eerie green blue that made you think of rotting corpses. The mist rose up so high it blotted out the sun, you couldn't tell if it was day or night. The thicker mist was around our knees and made me wonder where my next pitfall would be. There were also the twisted things with glowing eyes that would peer at us before vanishing into mist.

They only showed up a few times. The third time they popped up Buggy went screeching after them and when she returned with a very satisfied click of her mandibles and her belly decidedly bigger it didn't take a witch to decipher what had happened.

Before you point out that I am undead and shouldn't be phased by such things, I am gonna point out that we are all paradoxes. Yes, I grow flora/fauna hybrids to slake the mindless hunger of the undead masses. I also had curb stomped Warren's head into a messy red pudding. I paused to scrape my boot again. Warren even in his extermination was an unpleasant reminder on my boots. I would need to throw these ones away. Or maybe I could give them as a gift to Gladys the mother-in-law.

Darnit, I was digressing.

Where was I?

Oh, right paradoxes.

I did things that would be identified (by others) as creepy. This is similar to a serial killer have no problem making a spider's web out of a person's innards. But the same serial killer freaks out when they see a big spider. We are all paradoxes. Gotta love em. These freaking bugs however, I did not love them. Even Ursula was looking a little bedraggled. The red and blue dye in her hair was starting to fade from the corrosive mist, revealing the true color of purple beneath.

The hair stood out clearly as the eldritch light from the fire peaked through the open door.

There was a woman rocking back and forth, she was petting a creature of twisted shapes. One second the creature was a skeletal cat, then it was a dog with eyes all across the body, next it was an aardvark with a dandelion behind his ear. That one sort of ruined the intense horror. We all stopped and drew ourselves back up, trying to comprehend this last shape. The woman stopped mid rock and smacked the aardvark on the head. "What is wrong with you?"

Did you know this story is from Royal Road? Read the official version for free and support the author.

The aardvark ducked beneath the next swat and took a nip at her hand "Not my fault! You read those stupid 'Hovel and Grottos' magazines while using the bathroom and I catch em out of the side of my eye when I am brushing my teeth in the morning. That stupid aardvark was on this month's cover!" He dodged away from another swat, lost his footing and landed with a splat on the earthen floor. He reshaped into poodle with scales instead of fur and dodged an eldritch blast of magic. He darted through our legs and out into the mist with these kind words over his shoulder. "Get sod, ya old bitter biddy!"

Gladys was out of her rocker and stormed through our midst to shake her fist at her escaping familiar "Get yourself sod! No pizza for a month! That's right! You're stuck with some freaking kombucha and liver!"

I audibly gagged at the mention of liver, not at all bothered as maggots slid across my tongue and spilled to the ground around my feet. See, paradoxes are wonderous. Gladys was bothered by my squirming friends. She leveled a death glare at me as she snapped her dress to dislodge the white little critters. She shoved me out of the way as she re-entered her tiny hovel, she doused the fire with a bucket of swamp water and slammed the door shut behind herself as she exited the building.

Bozo did a deep bow "We are most humbled to meet your acquaintance."

My monster of a mother-in-law stopped dead in her tracks. "Oh...Uh."

I stared. This was the first time that I had ever seen her caught flat footed. In fact it seemed Bozo had successfully broken the abomination of women. I tried to spot some type of magic that the knight in shiny armor had cast. Maybe it was too subtle for me to notice.

Bozo did not seem phased by her confounded expression "It is such a beautiful place you have here. You must have spent many a back breaking night to build this."

Gladys visibly blushed. I had no clue that a Wight could do anything other than pale. She then tittered politely. Again, I tried to spot the magic that my buffoon of a companion was casting. He had to have Lich level magic to enchant this menace of mothers. The undead matron dipped into a curtsy, her black dress billowing out around her. The things that composed her dress made tiny elegant whispers of pleasure towards Bozo.

I shot a look at Ursula while I mouthed "What the f--?" my mouthing was interrupted by my mother-in-law's next words.

"Such a pleasure, Mr. Knight." she looked up at him demurely "Would you care to join me for tea?"

Bozo beamed and took her hand, "I hope it is not too much to ask that my traveling companions join us as well. It would mean ever so much."

"Those incompetent mor--" Gladys caught herself, she looked us over. Her expression tightening for a minute, then she caught Bozo's broad smile and I could see she melted a little. Not an expression, one of her ears melted like wax onto her shoulder and down the front of her dress. The knight didn't bat an eye at this and held her gaze expectantly. Her ear melted a little more as she relented "Oh, of course they may join us. So long as they mind their manners."

"I'll mind your to--" I started to say. Ursula drove her elbow into my ribs and I oomphed into silence. I did however grind my teeth together as we walked up newly formed steps made of mist up onto the roof of the hovel. Internally I groaned. This was much worse than a battle where I was rended in twain. This was much, much worse. We were going to have to sit with a bunch of undead women gossiping over tea.

I sighed internally as I muttered "Why couldn't I just lop off her head?"