I wake up this morning and this night

And I close my eyes with the weight of my lies.

Just another week just another year

Just another success, just another gain.

I wake up and I question with blurry hands

If anything I ever touched was worth the searing pain.

Look at the girl how she shines

Manner in her words a gentleness in her smile

Did you see her grades? Did you see her talents?

One look at her eyes and you can imagine

How she opens the windows for birds in the sky

And drinks her tea on a picnic with starry eyes

Laughter and kindness and so much good.

Look at the girl how she shines

Never would imagine she's waiting for the end of time.

Look at the girl look at the girl

I'm begging someone to look at the girl.

Another year ends and a flashy paper proves

A passing of time, a breath finally in use.

Here's an end Here's a smile

Nothing fits and I wonder why.

Thank you thank you thank you I repeat with shine

Help me help me help me I whisper at nights.

What is wrong with me?

What is so fundamentally wrong that I can't live up

To any guise or any love

The paper proves it and so do my tears

What do they prove? Can you tell me if you see?

I'm thankful for all the light I see

So so thankful sometimes I wonder if I should cease

Just enter a door and close it behind

Just be what they see and stop my tries.

So so thankful I wonder if I am

Because I'm grateful and loving and greedy and needy

I can't live without the paper or the flashy words

Greedy greedy greedy

When does it ever stop?

Can't imagine there's a well I'll deem fit to end my thirst

Parched so parched even in the moment of success.

I might have got the shine but what about the colour?

What about the next?

What about that delicate shade of everything I only see in them?

My clothes are too dark

And my heart too light

My eyes too bright

And my smile too dim.

The shades don't match they don't fit

Maybe another paper will fix all this is.

I laugh with my heart and smile

Then it suddenly drops, and I have to put up the facade of time

Pinched eyes pinched expression

Still laughing just wondering if I'm too much of a vision.

The shine only works if you see it reflected

Off a wall or a table or a thousand footsteps

The paper only works if you see it on the wall

Hung and pristine and dried from all

Tears and sweat and blood

Breaths and worth and love.

I think to myself with a quiet belief

I'm only pretty if I'm not seen.

The laugh should be moderate and the words should be weighed

My hand movements careful and my whole being safe

I should keep the distance keep the footsteps

If anyone starts walking

I should start running.

It hits me at all times that I can never prepare.

Every time my hand lingers enough to leave a trail

Or my feet jump too high they cross the veil

Every time someone looks and I swallow back fears

They are looking they are looking

Should be careful what they see.

I silence it with all kinds of silence hidden

Lighten my fingers like a dancer in mirth

And stick my feet to the ground like it's pride

I silence it, I silence everything.

I take every part of me and make sure it knows

You'll only ever be loved in your silence

Never in your words.

The hurt hits my body before I can swallow it.

My heart pounds and my skin crawls

Yes, this familiar feeling

Yes, I've been hurt again.

The silence is oppressive it scratches at my throat

But letting out any sound would be akin to a dying wail

My laughs hurt my hands hurt

A scream would only damn me to hell.

I've been hurt again, but it happens.

So I'll ignore the sudden darkness in my vision

And the tense weight on my limbs

Again again again

Why does it happen every time?

I was hungry now I'm not.

Wish my heart would stop leaking blood

How much longer can I live on my own blood?

How much longer can I take the water of my tears and the flesh of my heart?

I close the curtains, close the door

Know in my quickened breaths it won't wait much more.

Lock the door, have to be sure

Not a sound and not a word.

I tie my eyes and I shut my mouth

Bite my lips so hard it draws blood

My mouth is closed my mouth is closed

Can't breathe but so can't my words.

I've been hurt again, my heart says in a small voice.

Yes yes again and again I answer with clenched eyes.

Where is your hate where is your loathing

Where is anything I can protect my own with?

Is it only me you wake your demons for?

Is it only ever me that deserves your rage?

You tell me to hide

I ask where

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You tell me to stop

I ask where

You tell me to stop and hide and silence everything.

I choke and choke and choke

And wonder if this fixes anything.

Do I stop being hurt if I disappear?

Do I never hurt if I never am?

Is this what you want

Is this what I need?

Heart heart heart

Why is it only me?

I wrap myself in chains and think of delicate ribbons

Those for shiny papers and this for a haggard body.

I pull the chains and tighten my cage

Is this enough to stop the pain?

My head falls forward and only they keep me afloat

Is this enough to protect my soul?

People walk ahead or above

They spare me a glance and never stop

Some yank at the chains some caress like a friend

Choking sobbing fearing

Why do both feel the same to my battered everything?

I cradle words of love with a careful defeat.

They can destroy me they can sweep me off my feet

I only put them in the soft delicate parts of my being.

I don't want them, but I do.

I don't want them in me, but I do.

I need them I need them I need them

My greed can't ever let go.

I just want them falling from a tree.

I want them coming from the earth

I want them beneath my feet

If I look from a window, I wish the sky would cease

No stars and no suns and no moons

Just grounds and dirt and everything in between.

If I lower myself to touch, I can feel

If I crouch there in that garden and dance over the petals, I can feel

In my hands and heart and the safe breath I keep

If I hold myself carefully and stand after I lean

Then I can keep

I can keep.

The sky is wide the sky is high

If I look up I might never try.

It's better to flutter and float

Over the earth like I'm somehow more

I'm not and never will be

But if I can appear to the flower a tower

If I can appear to the love a castle

Maybe then

Maybe then, they won't ever tear me away

From my safe breath my safe haven.

Look at the girl how light she treads

Almost like a fairy hear the flowers tell

She's bright in her smiles and soft in her touch

She's everything one likens to a sun.

Look at the girl how light she treads

If she's a fairy maybe she won't be left

Honey in her smiles and on her fingertips

Would the flowers still sing to herself?

She's everything one likens to a sun

Always there, waiting to be loved.

The glass breaks, and I watch it with dull eyes.

Only just a spike of despair over the coming nights

I look at the one who broke it and name the tension in their hands

Then the one crying on its shards and wonder what their tears say

I look at the wall if it's still standing

And the floor if it's still holding

The threads and the wires and the careful treading.

I go to step into it all too vacant

But Oh,

I can't see the floor anymore

My blood must have been too livid.

You can't cry once the glass breaks.

The years have taught us to be sane

You wait and observe

What if the one who broke it needs help?

Or the one who sweeps it

Or the one who hides it

Or or or

You should wait before crying.

A little blood never hurt anyone.

After it's hidden, look carefully at the threads

Are they still tied? Are the wires still intact?

Go to the one crying their heart out

Soothe with words and wait for the inevitable sobs

Blubbering with words, you learned to nod.

Yes, they didn't mean yes the glass was cheap.

Yes, the floor was strong, yes it must have come too near.

Yes, they broke it but do you remember?

They were a child too, don't you dare forget

How are you going to help if you forget?

They were a child, they were the glass

The wires and steps and the fragile mass.

Shouldn't children be good at remembering

At holding what the bodies weighed by years can't?

Do your role, child do your role.

Listen to the sobs and clean the blood and remember

Nobody is ever wrong.

What's the point of feeling when you are needed to act?

You can't wait for the walls to fall

You can't be busy in sobs

You stand and you walk and you run

And you nod and you agree and you remember

And only when night comes and you fall in bed voided

Only then can you cry, only then you can let it go.

You can listen to your brain list all the reasons you should go

You can watch the movie repeat

And question how better could you have been meek.

You can you can you can

You can learn how people go insane.

Look at the girl so bright in her being

But why is she always so quiet why is she always so serene

The birds are singing and the world is like a scream

Look at the girl, why isn't she here?

The days will pass they will pass

You'll learn to hate you'll learn to blame

You'll cry and beg at the feet of those who break

And ask them what to do with your despair.

You'll hate so much you'll throw it up with choking air

You'll blame so much you'll take a blade

But the days will pass again

And you'll remember how people go insane.

The hate will quieten and the cries will silence

You'll take the blade and put it in your heart and be done with.

No more hate no more begging

You'll only blink and continue remembering.

The voices will ask after they calmed

The storm will whisper after closing its eye

What's wrong?

You didn't break the glass you didn't hide it

Child, What's wrong?

You only blink

Swallow the words swallow the blood

The blade is in your heart, it's yours to keep.

Just this and that you choke out

The papers are hard to get the shine is impossible to find

They will titter they will grumble

All in fondness and you will blink

Everything about them tells you of their pride.

Look how good you remembered

Look how good you survived.

Don't be so weak thrown with a sharp voice

So self-centered when none of the center touched your heart.

Don't be like this, how are you going to survive in the world?

We asked you to remember we asked you to choke

When did we ever ask you to cry?

It's not a big deal why are you staring with wide eyes?

Have you not seen conflict have you not seen fights

Staring at the ground and the walls

Is this how you're going to be out in the world?

The storm the storm the storm

It closes its eye and covets the broken homes in its trail

The storm the storm the storm

It closes its eyes and forgets

Why people born in the storm can't.

Remember remember you have to remember

Just because the walls didn't break this time

Doesn’t mean you're safe

Just because the storm closed its eyes

Doesn’t mean

You're not an eye of a storm yourself.

Step on wires but don't name them

Tie them carefully but never tell

Comfort that and soothe this

And never ever speak a word of it.

Step on harsh grounds and avoid traps

Think and think and think before moving

Flinch when silent flinch when talking

Watch and remember and wait for the obvious

Nobody is wrong except you

Nobody is wrong except you.

And when you brave the world out of your rain

Look at love given with a smile and don't show a thing.

The tremble in your hands and the jagged walls you built

Take the love and give it back

Smile and covet and have

Never ever

Leave a space for your despair.

If you are an eye of a storm

The least you could do is save them your rain.

Look at the girl how loved she is

Accepts it with grace accepts it with mirth

Look at the girl and her wish

Please may anyone never see me like this

Look at the girl

She'd rather be right than ever loved.

When you brave the world

Try to forget.

Don't look at the girl she's too bright

She can't rest if she's in your eyes

Don't look at the girl she's too broken

She wishes to be loved from a high

Don't look at the girl don't try

Can't you see? Her threads can only be so tight

Leave the chains and let her gasp and heave

The girl only ever wanted to be.

But she has learnt she has learnt

Why people go insane.

Get a bird and chain it to the ground

Show your disappointment every time it looks up.

Tell the bird to not be astray

Life is earth, life is on grounds.

Tell the bird ignore your heart

Ignore the ache ignore the hurt

Tie your wings until they cramp

Shut your eyes until they bleed.

Even if everything in you says you are from the clouds

Whisper under your breath that you are from here.

Wait for the pride wait for the nods

Tighten the chains and smile and nod

Little bird, you are only ever loved on earth.

Remember remember you have to remember

People go insane when their love is always something to dismember

Wrong wrong wrong

What part of me which heart

What flesh do I cut so I fit

So I love?

Little girl

Little child

Protect your heart

Protect your heart.