And it's quite hard to live a life without hope.

Riding the train until the end

Knowing without a doubt

You will crash.

Never mind the keys I clutch until I bleed

And the tears I hold back

And the fragile control I lash out with in stubborn denial

I know well

I know well.

The moment you leave

All my life as it is will end.

There is nothing to be done

We all know

We all have known.

But there is nothing to be done

The future is so so dim

I wonder how we live.

A house and it should be reminded

Cannot survive on one person.

Yet it is what it is.

And all the threads you hold in your hands

If you leave, where do they go?

If your hand that wipes away all our tears

And carries our hearts

And hides our scars

Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.

If it lets go,

Who can ever

Do what you did?

I don't think about the future.

I, your daughter who goes crazy over unplanned things

Flinch away from the mention of the future like it will kill me.

And it would I think

I know

But humans are like that too.

We buy pens that are going to run out

And raise pets that are going to leave long before us

We live in the present like the future isn't ours.

How else would we survive, mother?

How else?

I pray in whispers and darkness

Never to be said out loud but felt all the same.

That if someone were to leave

It isn't you.

It's selfish, but it's not.

It's selfless

But it's not.

I don't see a life without you

And I can't ask if they do either

It's in their eyes, do you know?

We are all filled with so much dread.

We all know

How everything will fall apart the second

You're not there to tape it together

With hands or love or words or utterly fierce and desperate tries.

I think we are too tired to ever be fierce in the right ways.

The thought hits in all kinds of moments

In the kitchen when I burn my food

In the bathroom when the washing machine is beyond me

On the dinner table when I see all our threads delicately held in a frail hand

In my room when I stop and close my eyes

Thinking what the hell

Are we ever going to do without you?

You built a family, but you did not

You built a house, but you did not

You saved what you could but

You could not.

I laugh out loud in disbelief

Wondering if those are the people who are going to continue after you.

I laugh and laugh and think that this train is really going to crash.

But we live on

Yes we live on

Nothing much to be done.

I'll hide in your arms and wait for the crash

I hope it has any kindness you had.