Empyreus and Zellus were currently back in the town of Sumplase. Nothing had been said about Zellus’ missing “present” (Empyreus still needed Ifective, and Ifective couldn’t actually admit to drugging her employer) but Empyreus had more or less been forced to take Zellus in place of Ifective on these trips from now on.
The target this time is the last of the previous generation of Heroes, who had appeared 38 years ago. Ah, by “last” I don’t mean the others are all dead, he’s just the last one still adventuring. He had originally been accompanied by 3 girls: a childhood friend, his younger sister, and something called a “class president”. However, he quickly got all 3 of them pregnant (including his sister) and they had to stay home to raise the children.
There had also been a 5th Hero summoned along with them. He tagged along with them for a time, but never seemed to fit in. Then one day he started telling everyone the other Heroes had betrayed and abandoned him to die (though no one saw any evidence of that, and he seemed just fine) and how he was going to become The Strongest and take revenge. He actually did grow at an impressive rate for a while, but then he just collapsed into useless whining about how he was bullied back on Earth. People tried giving him money, in hopes he would just drink himself to death, but that ever sobbing lump seems to have a golden liver or something.
Getting back to the Old Hero (in his 50s anyway) now, he’s in a completely different league from the new Heroes. Just by himself he’s slain 4 dragons, suppressed (mostly) 4 catastrophic monster outbreaks (caused by all the mana released by slaying those 4 dragons), and donated much of his gold to starving villagers during 4 recessions (all caused by catastrophic inflation each time he brought back a dragon’s hord). Even if I brought all the slave Heroes I doubt they could even scratch him. Not to worry though, to defeat this terrifying Hero I have prepared an even more terrifying weapon. Indeed, a weapon that has ruined countless otherwise great Hero Sagas. Thus, I confidently approach him as he’s drinking at a low class bar.
“Hello Old Hero.” (Empyreus)
“Oi, I have a name. It’s...”
“Don’t care.”
A vein bulges above him left eye. Hm... I probably shouldn’t provoke him too much before they arrive, he could literally kill me with one finger after all. My pride is being a problem again.
“I’d like to offer you a trade. I’ll give you this scroll in exchange for signing a little contract for me.”
“What is this... ENSLAVEMENT!!! Damn it, it’s YOU!!! The one who’s been enslaving all the otherworlders! Tell me why I shouldn’t kill you right now?!”
“Why, for the scroll of course.”
“What is... a random teleport scroll?”
He’s momentarily frozen by confusion. Random teleport scrolls activate in an instant, unlike targeted teleport spells, that take minutes, but in return they were, well... random. They would transport you almost always to ground level (there were occasional stories of adventures going *splat* after using one) anywhere within 2 km, which could be in front of a huge monster or even at the bottom of a lake. About the only reason anyone would ever use one is if they’re fighting a monster they couldn’t beat or run from. Naturally, as there were no monsters the Old Hero couldn’t beat he’d stopped carrying them years ago. Something he is about to regret... greatly.
“THERE you are you worthless slacker!”
A middle-aged, but still beautiful, raven haired lady storms into bar. The Old Hero spasms as if he’s been hit with lightning magic.
“Where on Klishay have you been? Did you even know that you have three grandchildren, THREE, that you’ve never even met?!”
Pulling himself together, the Old Hero puts on a charming smile, stands and opens his arm as if to embrace his long “lost” wife and... bolts for the door. He’s gone in a flash. This combination of the decisiveness of a Hero and the shamelessness of a dead-beat dad, it's actually kind of awe inspiring. However... his escape ends in a despairing wail.
“Stop right there you lout!”
“Don’t you dare run from us!”
“You’re not leaving even if I have to break your arms and legs!”
They fill the entire street. It took a lot of effort, but they’re all here. Behold! The horror of an endlessly growing harem! Though the Old Hero never set out to make a giant harem, he never stopped himself either. Beautiful girls just kept popping up in the Hero’s path, as though some god was trying to create the perfect girl, but just couldn’t be satisfied with any of his creations. The Hero would add them to his harem, without any kind of plan or thought given to his current harem members. Eventually, it became the mob in front of us.
Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.
The Old Hero looks about desperately, but the crowd fills even the nearby side-street. He tries leaping onto the tavern's roof, but his foot slips and he crashes back to the ground. Oh, have I mentioned that Zellus has been learning ice magic lately? The Hero bounces back up like he didn’t feel anything, but his cheat specs can’t save him from this horror. His eyes, filled with desperation, meet mine.
“Give me the scroll! I’ll do whatever you want, just give me that scroll!”
With a smirk, I bring out the magic contract, only *twang* ...an arrow just shot it out of my hand. Oh right, most of these women were his party members at some point. Say, when you put them all together aren’t they basically a small furious army?
“Hey, just who said you get him?”
Hundreds of fury filled eyes are now pointed in my direction.
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Many many hours later, the now Humble Young Master staggered down the street. A Hero’s out of control harem... is... TERIFFYING! He haddn’t even dared to protest. He could only nod silently when he was ordered to make a new magic contract making them the Old Hero’s masters. That would have been bad enough, only... they couldn’t agree on what to do with the Hero!
The older ones mostly wanted him to finally spend some time with his children and grandchildren, the younger ones mostly wanted him to spend more time with them (making even more children to neglect), while the poorer ones mostly wanted to him to finally get a real job and support them. At this point the Old Hero offered to just slay another dragon to solve everyone’s money problems, but he was shouted down by everyone old enough to remember The Four Great Recessions.
At long merciful last, I was ordered to create a contract giving each of the 163 women 2 days of ownership per year, with the left over days spent earning money. The Old Hero tried to wheedle for “just a few days off” in there, but was again shouted down, this time with a lot of coarse guesses about what he would do with any time off. Women living in the same town or village were listed consecutively, so they could make separate agreements among themselves for their combined time. At least I can miss those arguments. I try to console myself that with the Old Hero leashed, at least I’ve probably saved the dragons from going extinct.
Hearing a faint sobbing, I notice a trembling Zellus hiding behind the next corner.
“And just where have you been this whole time!”
“I’m sorry Young Master! I’m sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry! Those women were just too... just too...”
Sighing, I pat Zellus on the head.
“Well, I guess it’s too much to expect anyone to stang up to that horror.”
“Yes Young Master! Thank you Young Master!”
She’s suddenly all smiles. Oi, didn’t you bounce back a little too fast?
“I’m so lucky to serve such a forgiving Young Master! And as thanks, I’ll make sure Young Master never has to deal with a horrible harem of his own. I’ll deal with all the devious women swarming around Young Master. Like that crafty woman that somehow always cleans windows that Young Master is about to walk by, and the cunning women that always smile and call out to Young Master in the market, or the cook lady that keeps slyly asking Young Master what he wants for tonight...”
Isn’t our cook grey haired and portly? And naturally all the merchants would call out when someone rich looking walks by. Maybe I was better off with that harem... no. NO! What was I thinking. Nothing could be worse than that... than that... seeking warmth, I instinctively hug Zellus.
“Eeep! Young Master?”
“I appreciate the thought Zellus, I really do. Just... don’t do anything without talking to me first. Please?”