I’m currently in the town of Sumplase because I heard a certain Hero was here.  As it was mentioned, Heroes grow by absorbing some of the mana of the monsters they kill.  So, obviously, the more powerful the monster they kill, the more power they gain.  What makes this particular Hero special is that, through some truly insane good luck, the first monster he killed was a dragon. 

So how do you beat someone who has absorbed that much power?  No idea... what, you thought I was here to enslave him?  No way!  I’m not even going near that monster.  Not only is he stupidly OP in every way, he clearly has plot armor thicker than a battleship.  Who I’m actually here for is this one buffoon who tends to show up in the same place as that OP Hero does.  Well, the Buffoon Hero is pretty strong himself, but he has one obvious weakness.  One painfully obvious weakness.

“So mister Hero, the contract is to escort miss Kownterphit for one day and protect her from...” 

It’s clear this buffoon isn’t listening to me.  No, he definitely heard the part where he’s supposed to spend the day with a pretty young girl (judging by the drool down his chin anyway) but everything else...  Say, if he’s this oblivious couldn’t I get him to just sign a contract saying “I agree to be a slave” on it?  No no, if there’s no warning or feeling like he somehow deserved this his magic resistance would kick in.  Still, something to think about later. 

“Just one thing mister Hero.  I’ve heard a few... rumors... about you.” 

“Eh?”  The Buffoon Hero blinks a few times, then hastily wipes the drool off his chin.  “I swear those are all false rumors mister A’leus!  I follow the No Touch rule!” 

Wow, and I never even said what kind of rumors.  He’s even worse than I thought. 

“Is that so... but I’m afraid I’m going to have to insist you sign a magical contract to that effect.” 

“Well...” the Buffoon Hero hesitates but then, after a quick glance at miss Kownterphit’s blushing face, he shouts “Yosh!  I’ll do it.” 

He scribbles out a large flamboyant signature that somehow irritates me just looking at it, and only then does he stop to read it. 

“Eh?  Enslavement?!” 

“That clause only triggers if you touch her with ‘perverse intent’.  But you would never do that would you?” 

“Of course not!  I would absolutely never do such a thing!” 

3 minutes later... the contract gives a red glow, signifying a breach of terms, and we hear the Hero’s scream from outside.  Already?  Just how rotten is this Hero?  Ifective shifts slightly. 

“Is something wrong?” 

“No Young Master, it’s just... how did you know before even meeting him?  Half of these Heroes have a little girl following them around, for some reason, they can’t all be lolicons... can they?” 

“No, just the ones who say they aren’t.” 

“Excuse me?” 

“Ifective, if you smile at a stable boy as he brings you your horse, do you need to assure everyone who saw you that ‘I am not a shotacon!’ do you?” 

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

“What?  Of course not!” 

“That’s right.  The only reason you would even think to say that is if you were thinking something bad.  Oh, and if you ever hear someone talking about a No Touch rule, hide the children.” 

After an awkward silence...

“Um... Young Master, shouldn’t Buffoon have stopped screaming already?” 

“About that... I should probably have mentioned that miss Kownterphit is actually a halfling under a minor illusion spell.” 

“WHAT!?! *cough* excuse my outburst Young Master, but... you left a free halfling together with a restrained Hero?” 

“Well you couldn’t expect me to leave that Hero with a real little girl could you?  I’m arrogant, not a monster.” 

“Young... Mas... ter...” 

“Oh don’t worry, I made her promise not to cripple him.” 

I understand her fear though.  Halflings rival elves in their (fully justified) hatred of Heroes.  There were fewer “I’m not a lolicon!” Heroes than elf-obsessed Heroes, fortunately, but the halflings had no great forests to hide in, and all halflings lived in fear that they, or their sisters or daughters (or mothers for that matter, most Heroes couldn’t tell a halflings age) would be carried off by a Hero.  As a side note, a group of these “I’m not a lolicon!” Heroes had initially descended on the dwarf kingdom, leading to fears that the dwarves would join the other demihumans in declaring war on humans.  But the Heroes had quickly returned saying that “they were the bad kind of dwarves”, whatever that meant.  Back to the present, did Buffoon’s screaming get louder again? 

“Um... Young Master, did ‘not crippling him’ include...” 

“Well... those parts aren’t really needed to fight monsters are they?” 

“Young Master!!!” 

“Alright, alright, I’ll go stop her.”

After prying the furious halfling off my new Hero and paying her the agreed reward (which she tried to refuse in favor of “just 5 more minutes!”) we took the battered Hero to a nearby vet for treatment.  Sadly he was too delirious to understand the insult, so I decided to look at the nearby  monster pens to kill time.  Oh? 

“Young Master, is there something special about that goblin?” 

“Perhaps...”  I take a magic ring out and force it into the goblin’s hand, and suddenly a new voice is heard. 

“I don’t need your stinking handouts human, wait... this isn’t food... wait!  I can talk!” 

“Well yes, that’s a translation ring.” 

“Wha... but... how...” 

“How did I know?  Well I saw you tracing circles on the ground.  That’s something I’ve only seen done by Heroes when they’re trying to act pitiful.” 

“....” 

“Well anyway, how did you become a goblin?” 

“I don’t know!  I was just peacefully sleeping (in class) one day, and when I woke up I was a baby goblin and these other goblins were eating my body!” 

So he died on arrival because he was napping, and then he... reincarnated?  I guess I shouldn’t be surprised that even Heroes’ souls refuse to leave peacefully.  Strangely, he gets fired up all of a sudden. 

“Ah, but it’s all right.  I’ll get a much better body after I evolve!” 

“Monsters don’t evolve on Klishay.” 

“Eh?!?” 

“I’ve heard other Heroes talk about this, but I don’t know where you got such a crazy notion.  As monsters collect mana it just makes them a bit stronger.  They don’t ‘poof!’ turn into a different kind of monster.” 

The goblin is frozen with his mouth hanging open. 

“I mean, what your describing is basically a miracle.  Unless some god with nothing better to do were to set up a System for granting miracles to monsters, I don’t see how this ‘evolution’ could ever happen.” 

Still frozen. 

“Well, its been interesting talking to you, thank you for your time.” 

I take back my ring and leave while he’s still frozen.  A few seconds later, an angry incoherent gabbling erupts behind us. 

“Young Master, you aren’t going to buy him or anything?” 

“There’s no point.  Even with a Hero’s soul, a goblin is just a goblin.”

Of course, Empyreus hadn't bothered to ask the goblin's name, which is a shame.  If he had, Gobu'Smkt might have become the first Hero to have his name remembered by the Young Master.