Felix and I headed to dinner after that, and had an easy conversation about trivial subjects. A tension had eased, and I found a way to laugh at some of his jokes. His eyes were relieved, but he didn’t mention the meeting, or the inheritance. Back at the hotel, as we were getting ready for bed, I decided to bring it up.

“I’m thinking about taking some time off,” I said when I finished spitting my toothpaste in the sink. I rinsed out my mouth, replaced the water cup, and crawled under the covers. Felix was catching up on the score of some football game on TV, but switched it off, as well as the light on his side. We had curled up close to each other, and his hand was enveloped around mine. We looked like cuddly arm wrestlers.

“What do you want to do?” he asked softly.

“I don’t want to do the Tart thing anymore. And now, I don’t have to. I want to take a road trip to meet Shake. Find where the circus is staying, go and see her, face to face. After that, I don’t know. Maybe do something with the house, take those education classes to get caught up to speed on the investments.” I laughed softly. “I don’t know the FIRST thing about investing.”

“Neither did your Dad. But he managed. And you are just as smart as him.” Felix pulled a few loose hairs from my face, leaned in, and kissed me tenderly. I kissed him back, savoring the moment of quiet and intimacy.

“I’m going to miss you,” he said finally.

“I’m going to miss you too. But, I need to do this. I won’t be gone long,” I whispered reassuringly.

“It’s not the time, it’s the depth of what you are doing. I trust you, but a lot can happen on the road. What if you meet some drugstore cowboy who sweeps you off your feet? I hear Texans can be very charming,” he teased me, melodramatically waving a hanky in his own face. I pinched his arm.

“Ow!”

“Serves you right. You know that’s not going to happen. One Texan is handful enough.” I sighed and put the back of my hand to my forehead. He pinched me back gently.

“Ow!” I declared, faking.

“Serves you right.”

As we settled deeper into the covers, I began musing about what my birth mother would be like, what sort of traits we shared, and where the circus must be right now. But soon enough, Felix and I were distracted with each other, and slipped into a slow dance of warm hands and quickening breaths. We wordlessly agreed to put off knocking boots a bit longer, but we explored tickle spots, surprising erogenous zones, and massaged each other’s belly, legs, feet, and back.

Time slowed, as we loved each other in the dark, meeting gaze for gaze, fingertip to fingertip. I felt an unspeakable impatience I had no desire to satisfy. I wanted to know him, over and over. I touched his lips with my nose, lifting my face to his. He whispered my name, and gripped me suddenly, his desire strong. The urgent wave crested, and both our hands were between the other’s thighs, guiding each other to climax. It was over in seconds, our buildup from weeks, culminating in an agony of sweetness. We calmed our breath together, steadily coming from off the peak. We drifted happily into sleep, sheets tangled, a steady heartbeat in each of us.

¤ ¤ ¤

In the early morning, we were clumsy with happiness, bumping into each other, grinning like idiots, taking three times as long as normal, fumbling trying to get the other dressed. Giggling stupidly, we climbed into the van and drove back to David’s office.

Once again, we were only in the lobby a few minutes before David came in, pumping my hand again. I was not as composed as yesterday, and let out a giggle as David yanked my hand up and down. He startled and pulled his hand away, looking closely at us both. Then smiling broadly, he gestured to his office, and we took our seats again.

I filled David in on my decision to see Shake and the details of the letters I had found. He responded as supportively as I thought he would, I just hadn’t been sure yesterday if I could trust him. He complimented my perseverance and decision, and we discussed options on whether or not to keep the house. He also gave me the contact information for the investment broker, as well as several other Web classes to begin my education on financial investing.

Felix and I headed back to San Francisco close to noon, and stopped at his house to move the boxes back to my house. We took a break for lunch, discussing the details of the road trip, and he had several great tips for me, having traveled a bit more than I had. I had never taken a road trip, and despite my nervousness at the goal, I was elated to be doing this on my own.

I spent the afternoon going back through the boxes, making sure everything was organized and in order. I stacked the boxes neatly near the door, ready to go back to the house in Modesto.

I contacted Jana and filled her in on my meeting with David. She was naturally shocked, and we discussed my decisions in detail. She was very happy that I was going to meet Shake, and requested I stay in touch with her whenever possible from the road. I laughingly reminded her that email should be easy enough to do, but she insisted I call her. This was what I loved about Jana; she bullied me about the things that were important. I told her I loved her, and moved on to my next call, to Selene.

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I said Hello when she answered, and she replied, “Bonjour! Will we be seeing you tonight, are you working?” I heard her pause as she checked the board.

I filled her in on the details of my adoption, the meeting with David, and my budding road trip. I told her that I was giving my two weeks notice, and she protested.

“But ma biche, why not just reduce the days you work? I’m sure you just need some more alone time … how about only one or two days a week instead of 4 or 5?” she haggled with me.

Shaking my head, I said, “I suspect this won’t work long term, but I will try it your way. Either way, I will definitely be gone for about eight days as I track down Shake.”

Selene loved that my mother was in the circus. “Tsk, of course. But we will be here when you get back. Plus, Thom is leaving us too, it’s tragic! He’s going to Paris, I can’t believe it!” She babbled faintly to someone in the background.

I wrapped up with Selene, and sat back in my chair. I felt strangely free, knowing I had some financial and professional buffer to allow myself to take this trip. I turned on my computer, and spent a few hours tracking down the circus, who posted their schedule on the Web, as well as contacting the management to ask about visiting the employees. They assured me that as long as a staff member was expecting me, they could let me behind their security measures.

I agonized over what to write in the letter; apparently many of the circus staff didn’t care for email. I guess it’s part of the carnie life, so I typed out a simple Word document mentioning briefly that my dad had passed away, and I wanted to meet as soon as possible. I offered a few show dates I could attend, and printed it out, signing carefully. I posted it in the mail, and decided to take a walk.

The grey of the last week’s late January sun had given way to a warm snap in early February, and my sunset walk was well rewarded with warmth, and a beautifully shocking pink and orange light as the sun dipped down once again. I looked out over the city, and its sluggish nightwalkers, coming out of the woodwork for the hustle of the game, the dodge in the dance. I knew so much more than I ever had before. About people. About myself. I didn’t have the same naiveté as I’d had before, and I was glad for it. I was a little harder, but it seemed like a good time to cut loose of the things that might make me harder still. I was happy with my decision, and a little surprised by that fact.

I spent the next few days restlessly prowling around the city as I waited for a response in the mail. Fortunately, there’s plenty for someone to do and see in San Francisco. I passed the time enjoying the strangely warm weather in Golden Gate Park’s Japanese Tea Garden, walking along the Embarcadero, even tourist watching in Union Square. I even headed up to Coit Tower, remembering the birthday picnic, this time going to the top of the tower in the quaint old elevator with the attendant. The view was breathtaking.

I got home that evening and saw the awaited letter in my mailbox. I hurried upstairs and ripped it open. It was short, but good news. She expressed her condolences, and a great desire to see me. She thanked for me letting her know, and listed the next five cities she would be in, and recommended visiting her in Albuquerque, Phoenix, or Las Vegas. She signed it “Fondly, Shake.”

I sat with her letter, reading her handwriting over and over again. Looking at the shaky loops on the q’s and g’s, and the bold scrawling of her S. I set the letter aside, and typed a quick response, and printed it out. I dropped it in the mail, and called Felix to fill him in. We both agreed that Phoenix would be a great city to visit at this time of year, as Albuquerque might still be cold, and Vegas would be highly distracting.

The next few days were all preparation for the trip: washing clothes, buying a cooler, packing it with snack food and drinks, and even getting a proper haircut. I made a trip to Modesto to collect a few photos, just in case. I dropped off the boxes there, and spent a long time in the house by myself. It was the first time I’d been there on my own since Dad passed, and while my grief was no less difficult, it was now supported by the love and care he put into preparing for my future. I strove now to measure up to what he had wanted for me, the woman he had hoped for.

The night before I left, Felix came over and we made a pleasant dinner. We discussed the details of my planned route, and conversation eventually swung back to family. I realized I never had the chance to ask him about his trip to Vegas, and the bailout of his sister, and brought up the topic cautiously. Felix smiled at my reluctance, and filled me in on what had happened during the three days he was away. He told me about the poker game, some of the techniques he had used, and the discussion he’d had with Audrey, once the two of them were out of the police station and on their way back to her house.

There were still so many things about him I didn’t know; and yet he’d shown me his true nature over and over again. His devotion and kindness. His passion and humor. I listened closely as he blended his news of his sisters and Mom from then into now. It really drove the point home for me how intense the last four months had been, and how fast they had gone.

I asked Felix about what it was like to have to deal with his addiction once he had come back from Vegas, but he just shook his head.

“I’m not going to lie, it was a bit of a struggle. I thought it might be, but what happened to you on the phone that day … it just went clean out of my head as I came after you. I wish I could’ve talked with you about it more, but you weren’t in a space for it. I’m a work in progress,” he said, smiling sadly at the memory. I felt a sense of disappointment in myself, and even though I wasn’t sure I could have been more supportive at the time, I still felt bad about it now. I reached for his hand silently.

The next morning, in the faint light of sunrise, I packed the trunk while Felix stood sleepy-eyed in my driveway.

He was holding an iPod, and handed it to me, saying, “These are some great road trip playlists I put together for you. They will help during the boring stretches. Just you wait until you hit the cattle ranches along I-5.” He grinned at me; breaking into a huge yawn, stretching his arms above him like a cat. He looked unbelievably sexy like that, guard down, in only his pajama bottoms.

Composing myself, I said, “Thanks. I will be back soon enough. I will call you from wherever I decide to stop tonight.” I bounced on my heels, anxious to be on the road.

“All righty Miss Daisy! Think you can drive yourself this time?”

“Definitely. But thank you, Hoke.” I was pleased to see his shocked face as he recognized that I’d finally seen the movie, which I had watched a few nights ago on the sly.

I jumped in the car, revved the engine, and rolling down the window, gave an exuberant wave as I left the city by the Bay.