I threw myself into work that fall. The days swept into weeks, and the cold and fog mercifully arrived in late October, obscuring me from the sun’s mockery. A perfect wall of sadness still clenched my heart. I felt the cold inside, radiating outward. Strangers asked if I needed a coat and I replied with a blank look. Why did they ask me that? They repeated themselves, as if I was uncomfortable from the outside. I didn’t have the heart to tell them that there’s no reason for it.

“I’m not solid; I’m hollow,” I said sometimes, and got peculiar looks. I said this one day to an old man on the pier. He nodded his understanding; and he took my hand and held it gently, stroking the skin, as if coaxing a fire. For a moment, the ice around my heart thinned, and I could see through the prisms to that old man’s face. I could feel an urgent push from inside, and tears sprang to my eyes, spilling silently down my face. The old man saw my tears, brushed them away with the back of my hand, still held in his, and kissed it. He gave my hand a squeeze, and walked away.

As I approached the office one day, I paused to step back and look up at the building that I had entered for the first time so long ago, almost a year now. I remembered that thrilling day, so full of rich opportunity and rebellion. It still looked completely boring, but I knew it to be my reluctant home. It was home for my real self, a safe distance from the persona I’d developed while out with the public.

I was both surprised and dismayed by the reactions around my dad’s death. It seemed to have brought out the best or worst in both friends and strangers. Thom and Selene had been surprisingly gentle, but Meredith had been avoiding me and gave me awkward smiles when I saw her. Susannah also kept her distance and acted as if I had some contagion. Ransom was irritated.

Felix was…well, he was the male equivalent of honey and superglue. I saw him every day or he called when he couldn’t come by. Even when I didn’t see or talk to him, he’d leave me some gift on my door or in my car. Once, after I had driven to Modesto alone, and was trying to get the courage to go in the garage, I found a note tacked to the door, with the words, “Hi Daisy.” I couldn’t have survived any of this without him. His sister (he told me while babbling one night) made it out when he posted her bail but had since landed herself into further trouble. He and Sam had a discussion and decided to stop bailing her out, since it was costing their family more than financial trouble.

Their mother and the other sister Nicole weighed in with their thoughts, and they had an intervention for Audrey. From what I heard, she yelled and stormed out, but at least she knew that her family cared, which was more than some could say.

One night I was scheduled to head out with Thom, and was a bit relieved that he didn’t scrutinize my every move like Felix did. I appreciated Felix’s friendship and presence, but I needed a small breather.

Thom and Meredith got in the car quickly and tried to stay warm in the autumn chill. It didn’t bother me, so I climbed in the back, breathing in the comfort of bakery smells, a respite from my thoughts. Meredith chatted easily with Thom about surface matters, and when she probed deeper about his personal life, he answered her reluctantly. He seemed startled by her direct questions.

I mourned Meredith’s easy chats with me, but she didn’t seem to know what to say, and I didn’t have the energy to reach out to her. It was hard enough to find the energy to work at all. Once we dropped her off, Thom motioned me forward, which was a surprise. Usually he had us stay in our seats, ‘no point in moving around’.

I climbed in the front seat and closed the door. Thom just sat there, absent-mindedly tearing his steering wheel cover. Since we weren’t moving, I waited for him to say something. I assumed he was figuring out how to convey his condolences, but he surprised me.

“Pale. I want you to be the first to know something.”

“Ok, sure. Tell me whatever you’d like.”

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“Do you remember a few weeks ago, God, maybe it was longer, a month or two, when my sister came to take care of my mom for a weekend?” I wasn’t sure where this was headed, but I nodded in agreement.

“Well, I applied to a culinary school in Paris that weekend. Specifically, a pastry school. I’ve been wanting to go for a long time but didn’t have the money. And what with Mom…” he trailed off. I nodded again, a stab of pain against my chest. I ignored it, as he continued in a rush.

“Well, I sent in all the paperwork that weekend, and was waiting to hear back on whether I got accepted or not. It’s a very prestigious school. I wouldn’t ever have to take driving jobs like this; I could do what I want, cooking and baking. I would have more time to visit with Mom, and my sister could stop badgering me about getting a real job. I might even have time to ... meet someone. Date,” he paused, looking astounded at the very idea.

“Well, I got accepted. They want me to start right after the New Year. My sister and I have to put Mom into assisted care living, anyway. I’m too exhausted and not able to take care of her as well as I once did, as much as she needs. I’ve been doing this for two years now; I’m so exhausted and burned out. I hate my job driving. I hate the bakery I work for. I hate this car, I hate that I hate so many things. I need a change, you know? I need to do something that matters. Everything can’t be this fruitless!”

Thom’s words shot through me and shattered the last thin sheet of ice around my heart. He had the look of a man who has truly seen an oasis in the desert, not just the illusion of one on the horizon. He was unconcerned about us being late, if he’d been good enough, or loyal enough. He had tasted freedom and wanted to chase it. He was warming my whole body from the inside. I could see his self-respect, in the way he stood up to his sister about his mother. I could see him discarding the work he didn’t enjoy to pursue his passion. I felt naked in my grief next to his purpose and started to cry at the sheer waste of my time and energy.

Thom broke out of his reverie and patted me awkwardly on the shoulder. But he was beaming, and his smile was very beautiful.

“You’ve been one of the better parts of this job, Pale. I know I don’t really make friends, but I appreciate you not taking it personally, and your professionalism. I know things are horrible and shitty for you, and there’s nothing I can say to change that. But it will turn around, I promise. And Felix certainly isn’t going anywhere. That has to be a comfort.” He smiled encouragingly, and I laughed weakly.

I moved his repetitively patting hand and said, “Thanks for letting me know. I truly hope everything works out for you, Thom. I will miss you. No, scratch that, not really.” He gave me a playful punch in the arm and turned back to concentrate on joining traffic.

I decided not to mention the breakthrough to Thom. He had enough on his plate and so much to do, moving and going to school in a foreign country, leaving his Mom and sister. But later that night after work I told Felix about it.

“I think I’m ready to try and tackle the garage,” I told him over a cup of warm tea at my house. This was our new thing, instead of going out for a beer we would stay in and have herbal tea. Felix was determined to help me sleep at night, and he knew that other than at work, I’d had a hard time being around a lot of people.

We were curled up on my couch; a dim light from the kitchen cast a gentle, cozy aura around the apartment. Felix had put up some corny decorations for Halloween as well as an autumn leaf garland over my front door. His attempts at decorating were pretty pitiful, but it was a sign that he’d been here often.

“Do you want me to go with you?” he asked softly, his hand holding mine. I stared at our hands entwined. When did that start happening? His hands felt wonderful … to be touching like this was suddenly intimate to me, though I was sure it had happened before. I couldn’t believe I had let it slide past, but I was suddenly aware of it. Something about Thom’s decision and life change gave me courage.

I looked up at Felix, not answering, just taking in his face. He saw me searching his face, and his gaze intensified. We leaned in to each other, magnet-drawn, and he released my hand to touch my face. His hand gently tipped my chin, and we brushed lips, breathing in and out, the spark of the other. Our lips hovered there, and then suddenly we were wrapped around each other, pouring and tumbling all the energy and longing of months of being apart. He made his way across my face to my ear, down my neck, then buried his face and murmured something I couldn’t hear into my hair. I held him tightly, afraid to feel anything, least of all this dangerous Hope. But I’d wanted Felix for so long, I wasn’t strong enough to think wisely in that moment. He rose to a standing position, and tugged on my hand. I stood up with him, never leaving his eyes. He gestured to the bed, and I nodded slowly.

We walked over, never letting go of each other’s hand, and lay down together.