It was dark, but I was exposed. Every nerve was cruelly raw to the breeze, which seemed innocently light as a fan whirred by my ears, but was tearing my warm shell off. I was burned? No, frozen. I struggled to find form, to locate my mouth. I had a mouth….yes. It was wasteful and sharp. It was useless. Everything was pointless. I tried for my fingers through the ice, to see if there was a weak crack somewhere. I felt something touching my hand? Then my face.

“mmYouhh arrhhhre layimmmm dwwwn yuuu rmmm. It’sk, uurrhhhh saiiiif. (Focus!) ttt’s Feeliks. Can you heaar mee?” All at once, the words broke open like an egg, and I understood.

My treacherous, lying mouth responded, “Yeah.” I opened my eyes, and a haze was at the corners, but Felix was clear in my gaze. He was intent on my face, and briefly behind him, I saw a bright blue and purple light, and I felt a distracting wave of strength from it. I was perplexed by this color display… Why didn’t he tell me he could do that? Felix was confused, and turned around to see what I was looking at. Seeing nothing, he turned back. The light vanished.

“Pale?” he said softly.

“Sorry. I saw…” trailing off, I turned my head. The icy cold was back, but through the ice, even deep under there, I felt the hot poker of grief. The surreal reason. Tears sprang out, betraying the prison built to protect me. Wracking convulsions took over my whole frame, and curling into the tiniest ball possible, I howled and pounded the bed, over and over. Felix kept a hand on my waist the whole time, sitting silently. Everything was meaningless! White anger took me out of the ice, and I leapt up from bed, my legs wobbly. I grabbed anything I saw, my hands throwing things hard against any surface, the floor, wall, even the ceiling. Felix had moved to the doorframe, and was watching without a word. My shoulders ached from overextension, my legs wouldn’t hold me, my anger wouldn’t hold me, nothing was here that could hold me together. Several minutes passed? I had no sense of it now. A gasp, a sob, I let go of want, let go of purpose, let go of all the stupidity, and let the love of my father settle over me like a blanket. I was weighted down with the truth of it. He loved me. I loved him. He was gone. My mouth tried to open, tried to use me to free the love, and all that came out was a banshee wail.

¤ ¤ ¤

There were flashes of color in my vision. Red, blue, red, blue. An ambulance. A shiny gold nameplate: “Officer Toestin”. An absent thought rose: my dad would’ve found a pun in that…Made any toast lately? Just that thought took one breath, taken away forever. I didn’t breathe every breath; there was a blackness between them. They didn’t tell you how hard it was, when your heart had been shattered and spread to the winds. When you wanted to evaporate all the guts and substance that made up You. I guess by the time you are older, you get used to it, but it’s actually a tremendous amount of work.

Felix was answering questions, always with his eyes on me. His eyes were a safe harbor, and I went blank there. I didn’t try, it just happened.

Felix drove me around and around in circles, never going near the house. I saw fields and houses, gas stations and tire stores. I saw cheap crap being sold everywhere; I saw shit gilded, to make it more attractive to bored motorists passing through. I saw conversations my dad and I had had on certain roads…hearing his laugh, seeing his gentle smile. I saw the sun peak in the sky; I saw its rapid scale down the side of the skyline. Meaningless.

¤ ¤ ¤

Felix decided to drive us back to San Francisco, and he told me many things on the drive. He told me all about Texas, all about his mom. He told me about the color of the sunsets in Vegas, about the ups and downs of his addiction, and breaking free from it. He told me all about his passion for chasing storms. He told me about how much I’ve been missed at the office. He told me he would help me through this. I only asked one thing.

“How long was I out?”

He didn’t answer for a long time, so long I thought he’d decided not to answer.

Finally, he glanced over and said, “You dropped the phone. I called out to you, and you didn’t answer. I panicked and drove here, Selene gave me the address. The door was open, and I found you like that. I would say two hours.” He sighed heavily.

We crossed the Bay Bridge, and we took an unfamiliar route. Felix seemed to know where he was going. We pulled up in front of a small duplex, and he ushered me in like a sick person.

It was totally foreign; there was nothing here about my life, and my mouth saved me mercifully from saying something asinine. It was perfect. I laid down, right on the couch, without a word, and fell into a black, comfortless sleep.

¤ ¤ ¤

The next morning, I woke up on the couch and saw Felix crumpled into a chair, snoring. I still felt the ice around me, and the constriction of breathing, but I was starving, and that propelled me into the kitchen. I started to make breakfast from what was around, taking mild interest in how the kitchen was laid out. I brewed coffee, put eggs on toast, fried up some bacon, and by the time I was nearly done, Felix was mostly awake and stretching in the living room. His house was cluttered, but warm. He had great light, hardwood floors, and tall ceilings. There were a variety of storm and cloud posters on the walls, and I glanced up briefly at them, handing the plate of food to him.

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“Didn’t you make this for you?” he asked. I shook my head No. I had, but the smell of food made me feel sick, so I just slid the toast off his plate and nibbled at it, testing the taste. It tasted terrible, but I had to be strong today. Stronger.

Felix told me about his fascination with storms and clouds, how you don’t know where they will go and what they will do, sort of like a poker game, and I zoned out on his voice briefly. I saw a familiar bag, and opened it. It was a duffel from my apartment, filled with my clothes. I thought a former me would be upset he went through my purse, got my keys, went to my house, and packed me a bag, all while I was asleep. But at that moment I just didn’t care. I dug through the bag for a change of clothes, and looked up at him. I nodded my thanks, and he nodded back, still tucked into his breakfast. He was watching me, though.

“I have to go back today,” I said, wincing. The words sounded raspy, my voice still vulnerable from the…from yesterday. With great effort, I willed myself to breathe and concentrate on the moment.

“I will call the office and let them know you will be out for a few days. Does that sound ok?” he asked, standing up and taking his dishes to the kitchen. I nodded as he glanced at me.

“Can I come with you today? Would that be ok?” he asked quietly. I nodded again, relieved.

In short order, we both changed clothes and were headed back out the door. Felix made some calls on the way, finding out the funeral home, calling us both out of the office, even searching through my phone to call Jana. I was numb, and though I was aware of what needed to be done, I was gripped by terror at what was coming next. I could hear Selene’s frantic questions when he called to say we would both be out a few days, but I couldn’t talk to her. Felix was firm that I was in no position to come to the phone. I felt like he kept reading my mind, and I was grateful.

We reached Modesto, and went straight to the funeral home. I drifted through the conversation, handing my credit card to the director like a drone, feeling Felix’s strong body holding me upright. I felt like water trying to escape through a leak in a balloon. I slowly drained away, acutely aware that somewhere in that building my dad lay cold and lifeless. I arranged for a cremation, and left as soon as possible.

Felix drove us without a word to my dad’s house, and sat in the kitchen as I walked slowly and wordlessly from room to room, drinking in memory after memory. Despite the fact that Dad was always a quiet man, the energy of the house was never this quiet, and I felt compelled to turn some music on. Felix put on a CD, and it lulled the roar of grief that bit at my heart. Hours passed that way, broken only by Felix making lunch and attempting to get me to eat. His phone rang regularly, but he steadfastly ignored it.

In the early evening, I went out to the garage and stood in front of the door, willing myself to enter Dad’s truly happy place, his cave. To enter without his permission, to casually invade his space and make it abruptly my own. My feet on his floor, my hands on his light switch. No fanfare, no celebration. Just a violent transfer of ownership, mechanical as a coin drop. I couldn’t bring myself to go in.

Back in the house, I told Felix I didn’t want to stay here, so he took us to a hotel, and we slept in separate beds. He went to the drug store, and bought me some over-the-counter sleep aids, and I took them without question. I ate some applesauce that tasted like ash, and went to sleep to the sound of the weather channel.

The next few days passed in a haze. Felix asked the occasional question so we could put something in the newspaper, and a small memorial was held at the funeral home. My dad only had a few friends, so it was a brief affair. I had no plans to scatter his ashes yet, though it had occurred to me that I should go up in a plane to do it. I didn’t speak at the memorial, but received flowers and the kind words his friends had for him. Jana also came for the memorial, and was wonderful in her non-demanding nature, never intruding on my thoughts.

Felix and I spent the rest of our time either at the house, or driving around. The bright sun was so rude, glaring at every thought, blanching every privacy. At night, and only after I was truly exhausted, we would go back to the hotel. He often babbled on our drives, telling me all manner of random things about the sky and clouds, likening them to life, to people, to animals. He made up haiku poems, and mumbled them to himself. I concentrated on breathing in and out, knowing the ice would have me for a while. I tried to keep it from covering my mouth and ears completely. Every day I woke up and thought how meaningless my life was. How stupid my plan was. I couldn’t care less about Michael and politics now.

I kept trying to go into the garage, but just couldn’t face the wall of grief that came to me when I would open the door and see so much of Dad. I would quickly shut the door, and go back in the house. Felix’s sad eyes followed the ritual.

On the morning of the fifth day, I told Felix I wanted to go home, and I meant my own house. I wanted to distract myself with work, and to see my own room. He drove us back, and went straight to my house.

As I climbed the steps and opened my door, I felt a constriction on my heart, and had to grab the doorframe to keep myself upright. There were strong memories here, more than I’d realized. Photos, clothes, memorabilia.

Felix was just behind me, and quickly looped my arm over his shoulder and brought me to the bed. His face was so close to mine, for a moment we shared a thread of desire, and he stayed there, close to my face, drinking it in. He touched my face with his hand gently, and let out a breath. I could feel something stirring deep inside my heart, past the blackness, past the meaninglessness. It was faint, but fluttering. Felix pulled me close in a hug, and I closed my eyes, letting his heat try to melt the ice around me. He pulled away and climbed over the top of me, curling into the big spoon position, wrapping his arm over my waist. Surprised, I lay still.

We lay like that for a long time, until our breathing fell into the hypnotic, heavy rhythm of sleep.