Chapter 9

I missed you

I was beginning to feel better, but he was always in the back of my mind. No matter what I did, Calla was in my head. I needed his memory to leave me alone, but I couldn’t forget the blood that came from his broken body. The look in his eyes. The way he smiled at me even in his pain. He had loved me, and I still loved him. Even death could not take away my love for him.

No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t shake the image of his dead body lying in a pool of his own blood. I couldn’t even escape him in my sleep. He came to me every time I managed to find sleep. He would say nothing. He would just stare at me as blood poured from his body. He would look at me as though it were my fault he was dead. Some part of me believed in a in a dream, Calla. I had this feeling that there was something I could have done to save him.

I needed him to leave me alone. It would be the best thing for me, but I wouldn’t allow myself to forget. It felt like a disgrace to his memory not to think of him every second of every day. He had died, and it was my job to keep his memory alive. I think I knew in my heart that allowing myself to enjoy things and allowing Calla’s memory to leave me for a while would have been good for me, but my guilt for his death overpowered that very reasonable thought.

I needed my mother. I needed my own bed. I needed to go home, but most of all, I needed Calla back. He was the reason I didn’t give up and let myself be killed in the fruitless war. The Tiffer was stronger than us; they had more men and better resources. No one really knew much about the Tiffer Kingdom, but I do know it was rich in materials. On one of our shared borders is the Kâlimèth Forest. This forest has valuable wood and healing plants. They also had a large mountain range that must have been filled with valuable minerals. They had us beat in every respect, so why the fuck were we still fighting?

We still hadn’t been called to battle. I was glad for the break, but I hated the constant stress that hung over the camp. We were all becoming restless and fatigued with the endless list of chores. On the fourth day, I woke up drenched in sweat. In my dreams, Pill had died. He died, and I had no chance to apologise for the shitty way I had treated him. I needed to reconcile with Pill before it was too late. I hated the thought of him dying, but in this war, it was extremely likely, so I didn’t want him to die hating me.

Before I went to breakfast, I grabbed my uniform and a towel and walked down to the lake. The morning was cold and windy, and the last thing I wanted to do was jump into a freezing lake, but there was no way in hell that I was going to go around that day smelling the way I did.

Once I got to the lake, I stripped my clothes off. The strong easterly wind made me shiver, and goosebumps erupted across my body. I walked to the lake shore and dipped my foot into the water to test the temperature. “Fuck! That’s cold!” It felt like I had just dipped my foot into a pile of snow.

I took my foot out of the frigid water, and before I could chicken out, I ran into the water and dove in. When my head broke the surface, I gasped, and the cold filled my lungs. The cold woke my body up much more effectively than the loud morning bell ever had.

I washed the stale sweat off as quickly as possible. I didn’t want to spend any more time in the frigid water than was necessary. I ducked my head under the water and gave it a quick scrub to remove the grease and dirt. The moment I had finished, I practically flew out of the water. The air felt warm on my cold, red skin. Even though I was freezing, it was so good to feel clean. I hadn’t properly cleaned myself since Calla died. I used to wash most nights, but my mental state had been so bad that I couldn’t bring myself to do anything besides what I was required to do.

I got dressed in my uniform. I missed my own clothes. I had only worn nothing but the army uniform for multiple months. Even though I had been wearing it for such a long time, I still felt like a fraud in it. I should have had two more years before having to wear this uniform. I now had around four and a half years left of wearing it (that was if I wasn’t killed before my compulsory service was up).

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The uniform wasn’t uncomfortable, but yellow just wasn’t my colour. It really washed me out. I didn’t mind the blue and white shirt, but the yellow pants were what did it for me. I don’t know why we wore such light colours, especially the white shirt; they stained so easily. A lot of people’s uniforms had blood stains, both from their own blood and the blood of others. It was a morbid reminder of everything we had lost in the shitshow.

I threw my towel over my shoulder and began to walk back towards the camp. I really loved this part of Ossory. Our camp lay in a valley. The Ramla mountain range surrounded us. The mountains were snowcapped at the time. Bansa’s tip was completely hidden by clouds. I knew that the snow would begin to fall on us soon. Once it did start coming down, it would make everything ten times harder. The rain was already making things difficult enough, and the snow was much, much worse.

I was headed in the direction of my tent to go drop my towel off. When I entered the tent, I heard sobbing. Pill was sitting on his bed, crying. Crying! I had never seen Pill cry before. I hadn’t spoken to him in such a long time that I didn’t know if he hated me or not. If he did hate me, he would tell me, and if he didn’t hate me, then I would stay with him. Comfort him.

“Pill, are you all right?”

He looked up at me. His cheeks were stained with tears, and his eyes were red and puffy. There was a momentary look of confusion that crossed his face. He then seemed to recognise me because his look of confusion turned to surprise and then to anger.

“Rico!” He pushed himself off the ground and looked at me with anger in his eyes. “You fucking bitch!” he slapped me across the face.

I was too shocked to say anything. So, I just stood there, clutching my cheek. He had a strong hit: “You are such a selfish little dick.” He looked like he was about to slap me again, but thankfully he didn’t. I don’t think my face or my ego could handle it.

“Pill! Take a step back and explain what the fuck you are yelling at me for.” I immediately realised what a dumb ass I was for asking that. I knew what he was shouting at me for.

“What am I yelling at you for? You have been a selfish asshole. I ever thought that three of my closest friends would one day. Two died, and one was too selfish to think of anyone beyond his own selfish ass.” I had barely ever heard Pill swear before, and I would have enjoyed it if the swearing wasn’t directed at me. “And to add insult to injury, the little arse comes to me, asking if I’m all right and why you are shouting at me. This war is the shittiest thing to happen to either of us, and then you go and leave me by myself. I have no one else. You have the stupid medic friend who has been holding your hand. Spoon feeding you, braiding your hair, while I have been alone with no one to so much as eat with.”

The anger started to flow out of him. He had tears streaming down his face, and his whole body was shaking. I knew I had fucked up, but I had no idea how much of an asshole I had been. He really gave me a reality check. He was right; I was a selfish little dick.

“I’m so sorry.” I was crying as well now. “I really have been a selfish dick, and I am so sorry.” The words felt hollow and stupid in my mouth. I wanted to say something that could miraculously make everything right, but there was nothing I could think to say. I’ve always been shy with words.

Pill looked at me for a few seconds before falling into my arms. All the anger has drained out of him now. He looked at me with his tear-stained face and said, “I’ve missed you, Rico. I missed you so much.”

I was still so shocked that I didn’t know what to say. The boy who had fallen from a pegasus and broken his arm without severing a single tear was now a teary mess in my arms. I was shocked, but I understood that he needed comforting (I wasn’t that thick), so I wrapped my arms around him. We stood like that for about five minutes. We were in the same boat, and I was so happy to have my best friend back. I had missed him. I hadn’t realised how much I had needed him until I had lost him.

We finally pulled away from one another. At last, I knew what I wanted to say to him: “I’m so sorry. I have really missed you. This stupid fucking war has ruined so much; let’s make sure it doesn’t ruin our friendship again. I don’t think I could deal with losing my best friend again.”

He laughed and nodded. “The last few days have been some of the worst of my life. I really need you.”

I had known Pill since before we could walk, and he had always been the most important friend I had ever had. We grew up together on my farm. I taught him how to ride Pegasus when we were about six, and he taught me how to ice skate. I was still shit at ice skating, but he was pretty good at riding. I suppose you can tell who the better teacher is.