Chapter 19

I see stars

I slept badly again. I could only grab sleep in half an hour bursts. I was constantly being woken by a coughing fit. I tried to muffle the sounds of my hacking by burying my head in my pillow, but it made drawing breath even harder.

I had to try way to hard to get my sleep deprived body off the ground. My recently washed hair was a bird’s nest on my head. The sound of birds in the morning had never bothered me until that day. I wanted to go out with a bow and shot every single one of the birds out of their trees. The bitter coldness of the air annoyed more than usual as well. Everything was just plain annoying.

I had to force myself to peel off my warm night cloths. I had sweated a lot in the night, despite the cold, so they were kind of gross. My uniform felt itchier than the day before. It felt like wearing sandpaper not fabric. I knew from the get-go that that day was not going to be a good one. I felt like shit, and everything was pissing me off.

I was in no mood to eat anything and especially not whèintõmba. That stupid slop could go rot in a hole.

I knew that if I went anywhere near Staggy he would force feed me, so I found a spot at the edge of the forest and sunk to the ground with my back to a tree. The short walk had left me out of breath, so I spent a few minutes just gulping in some well needed air.

It was way too cold to be sitting still in the shade, but I didn’t want to get up, so I just curled into a ball at the base of the tree trying to get some warmth back into my body. I started crying at some point in my time curled in a ball. I’m not sure what caused it. I was always so close to tears those days. I so badly wanted to cuddle up to Calla the way we used to in my bed during winter. He seemed to have endless amounts of heat that he was always willing to share with me.

All I wanted in that moment was to join him. I wanted to join him in the stars. But all I could do was look at him. I could only ever see him in the stars.

I fell asleep curled under that tree. Some part of me wished that I wouldn’t wake up.

* * *

A loud bell startled me out of sleep. The bell was insistent, annoying. It seemed to echo around my head causing a piercing headache to form.

The light felt like someone was driving needles into my eyes. I struggled to push myself to a sitting position. I was disoriented and confused. The bell that had woken me from my slumber had stopped but the headache continued.

It took a few seconds for my brain to catch up to my surroundings but when it did, I finally recognised the bell as the one to call me to the central green. Took me a hot second but got there in the end.

I pushed myself to my feet, but nearly fell back onto the ground. The tree I had been sleeping under was my saviour. I steadied myself against it then began to make my way towards the green. I stumbled on nothing multiple times making it look like I was drunk.

I joined the large crowd on the green. I was gasping for breath, bracing myself on my knees.

I tried to hold it back, but I started coughing uncontrollably. These coughs were not like the ones that I had experienced throughout the night. They hurt. They constricted my chest. They felt the same as the ones I had experienced when I was seven.

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I tried to draw in air, but my lungs refused to accept it. I just keep hacking. I fell onto all fours. No air was entering my body. I started to feel lightheaded. Blood started to stain the grass beneath me. My whole body felt tingly and separate from my head.

My arms stopped being able to support my weight. I fell onto my side. I curled into a ball. Clutching my chest trying to dull the pain in my lungs. The edges of my vision began to fade. I hadn’t properly breathed in for too long.

I let out one last painful hack then the world went black. Maybe I was about to be able to see Calla again. That was a nice thought.

* * *

I was floating above the world. I felt relaxed and free. There was darkness all around me, but it was all right because I let off a soft light. I was warm and comfortable, it surrounded me and kept me safe. Everything around me was quiet and calm.

I found out I could move. I began to look around in the darkness. I wanted to know if I was alone.

In the distance I saw another small light. It had the same warm and calm qualities as my own little bubble of light. I moved myself closer to it. There was a figure in the centre of the little ball of light. It was Minra. I was glad to see he was smiling, last time I saw him he was crying. I didn’t like it when people cried.

“Hello Minra.” My voice sounded the same as usual but something about it was slightly off. Odd.

“Hello Rico. How are you?” He was smiling but there was a touch of melancholy in his voice.

“I’ve been better.”

He tilted his head to one side. “Why is that?”

“I miss Calla.”

“That makes sense. You should be able to find him that way.” Minra gestured vaguely with his right hand.

“Thank you Minra.”

He then faded into the darkness around us. It was nice to see him again, but it left my warm calm light slightly dimmer then before. Odd.

I headed in the direction that Minra had pointed in. In the distance I saw another light. Maybe it was Calla.

I came up to the light, but the person encased in it was not Calla. It was the boy I had watched die at the end of the battle at the old camp.

“Hello.” I moved closer to him and waved.

“Hello. You’re the one who was there when I died.”

“Yes. Can you tell me your name?”

“That doesn’t matter now.” Sadness was etched in every word.

“Why are you sad?”

“I wasn’t ready to die.”

“That makes sense.”

“I miss living. Can you live for me?” He looked at me pleadingly.

“I can try. I promise I will try. I was wondering if you knew where I could find Calla?”

He gestured to the darkness behind him. He then faded away. My encounter with him left my light dimmer still. It was slightly less warm and comforting now. The darkness seemed closer than before. Odd.

I headed in the direction the boy had pointed. I saw a light on the distance. I sped up. I really wanted to see Calla, but when I came up to the light it was Figra.

“Hello Figra.” I didn’t mean to, but my voice had a hint of disappointment in it.

“Rico, how is Staggy?” He said it with desperation in his words.

“He is struggling. He misses you.”

“Make sure you comfort him. I don’t want to make him sad.”

“I will Figra. I promise I will.”

“I wish I had known you better.”

That made me feel guilty. “Me too. I wish you hadn’t died.”

“Me too.”

“Do you know where Calla is. I miss him.”

“That makes sense. Calla is that way.” He gestured to his left.

“Thank you Figra.” He faded away as I whispered the words.

My light bubble dimmed even more. I now started to truly feel the cold from the darkness around me. Odd.

I moved further into the darkness in search of Calla. I saw a light in the distance.

I moved closer to it. It was Calla. I had finally found Calla.

“Calla!”

“Rico!”

I went to embrace him, but his light bubble stopped me from reaching him. Odd.

He looked at me. Tears were running down his face. “You can’t touch me. I’m dead you’re not.”

“I wish I was dead.”

“I’m glad you’re not. That would make me sad.”

“I am sad. You dying made me sad.” I tried to reach him again, but I couldn’t.

“Don’t let me make you sad. Please.”

“I don’t want you to be dead. That makes me sad.”

“I don’t want to be dead, but I am. We can’t change that.”

“I know.”

“Rico?”

I nodded.

“Promise me something. Don’t stay sad. Don’t let me take away your smile.”

I started crying. “But it’s easier to be sad. Moving on is hard. Staying still is easy.”

“I know, but you have to try. If you can’t do it for you, do it for me. Now go live.”

He began to fade into the darkness. He was smiling. The smile I missed so much.

“Ga adro tam.” I choked out through the tears.

“I know.” He faded into nothing.

All my light disappeared. Odd.

I began to fall.

I felt like I was falling, but I wasn’t really.

Odd.