Chapter 7
My relationships go down the drain
When the light had fully disappeared from the sky, I went to the spot. I lay on the ground. The cool grass tickled my body, and the smell of coming rain hung in the air. Clouds began to roll across the sky. Trees framed the night. Stars began to pop up across the black void. The battle had left over a hundred dead. That number was small compared to other battles. The area around Kâlimèth had around 20,000 soldiors when I joined. Now we only had about 13, 000. In just a few months, we had lost 7 000 men, and we were no better off for it. The Tiffer army was advancing, and we were failing to push them back.
My gaze raced across the star-lit sky. I had no way of telling which star Calla was. I hated that. I wanted to be able to look at him. To look at him and feel him lying next to me again. The night felt bitterly cold without Calla next to me. Without his arm around mine, his body pushed against me, his lips on mine.
I whispered to the night, “I came, Calla. Did you?”
I don’t know what I expected, but I wanted him to jump from behind a bush, yelling, "I got you! I’m actually alive!”
He wouldn't. I knew he wouldn’t. He was dead, and there was nothing I could do. I hated the feeling of helplessness pressing in from all angles. I wanted to be able to fix everything. To go back in time and stop his death from happening.
Clouds now cover the whole sky. I couldn’t see a single star anymore. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay there all night, but the rain had come. The Sting season was about to begin. I had always had weak lungs, and Sting almost killed me once when I was seven. I had to spend two weeks in the town hospital coughing up my insides. My lungs had been severely damaged after that. I was told if I got it again, it would likely kill me. Sting was not the kind of thing you had immunity against. The more times you get it, the more likely it is to kill you.
* * *
I lay in bed on the ground. I didn’t sleep. Rain smashed against the tent, filling my mind with its endless noise. I replayed his death over and over. I cried most of the night. I hope no one heard me sobbing. I think the rain was enough to cover it up. I knew Pill was awake because he never started snoring. He always snores. He probably heard me crying, but since the burnings, we haven’t spoken. I felt guilty for telling him to fuck off. Maybe I will apologise tomorrow. I didn’t think I could deal with losing another important person in my life.
The morning bell was both a blessing and a curse. I needed to stop wallowing in self-pity, but the last thing I wanted to do was put up with people. I knew that they would just want me to continue as though nothing had happened. I didn’t think I could. The only good thing about that day was that there was no battle. I don’t know why, but we were taking an indefinitely long break. The pegasus had a hard time flying in the rain, and they were one of our biggest assets. The Tiffers also relied heavily on their staff.
It was still raining when I exited the tent, but it was only a sprinkle. I didn't know what to eat, so I went to the place where the Pegasus were tied up. I wasn’t allowed to see the Pegasus, but barely any Bwânnéia ever did. Most of them were scared. The little wimps.
The army pegasi were beautiful. They were strong and large, handpicked from farmers and stables. I went up to one of the smaller ones. His coat was soft and well-kept. He was stunningly beautiful. I so badly wanted to jump onto him and fly away. Fly away to a land without grief. A land without pain. But I couldn’t. There was nowhere I could go to escape the pain I felt. It wasn’t possible to just fly away from your problems. I know, I’ve tried.
“And just who do you think you are?”
I turned around to see the general of the Spâtètie. I covered my eyes and gave him a deep bow. “I apologise for my intrusion, General Di-Tànto. I was just admiring one of your pegasi.”
“He is a beautiful one. Trustworthy as well. I trust Rangly with my life in every battle.”
Shit! This was the general Pegasus, “General I sincerely apologise. I had no idea this was your Pegasus.” I backed away from Rangly at the speed of light.
A small smile appeared on his face. “That’s all right. You seem to have a love for these animals. I respect that. Why didn’t you join the Spâtètie?”
“I was a pîdantrës, but I was moved to being a Bwânnéia. I love riding, but my mother preferred to have me on the ground. She really has no idea what this war is really like.”
“I’m always looking for new riders, so if you ever feel like becoming a part of the Spâtètie, I’m sure I could arrange something with Da-Biwana.”
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I covered my eyes and bowed again. “Thank you, General. I will consider your offer.” It was the first time since his death that I felt hope.
He nodded, then turned away. My mind began to race. I could finally do what I love. I could ride and do archery at the same time. Now that there was no Calla to stop me, No, I won’t go there. He never held me back. He was always there for me. I stopped myself from joining the Spâtètie. He was the kindest person in my life.
I broke down again. I slumped against a tree. The ground was still wet from the rain, but I didn’t care. The trees loomed above me. The sun hadn’t quite risen above the mountains. The morning was cold and wet. I hated it. The worst part was that the rainy season had only just begun. The rain would only get harder and more frequent for the next two months. Then the snow would set in.
* * *
Once I was done with my mental breakdown, I went to the medical tent. It was by far the biggest tent in the camp. A flag with a sun rising from a crescent moon marked it as the medic tent. I pushed the heavy tent flap away and entered the large space. It had a strong smell of cleaning products and blood. There were injured men from yesterday’s battle lying on nearly all the beds; some groaned, others were still asleep, and others were unconscious. A medic was sitting at their bedside, injecting the necessary fluids into their bloodstream.
When I came in, Me-Li-Stagtum rushed up to me and said, "Good, you came.”
“You asked, and when a medic tells you to do something, you should probably do it unless you want them to hunt you down.”
He nodded, then led me to one of the only unoccupied beds and said, "Sit down.”
“Demanding much,” I muttered to myself. I think he heard me because a small smile played across his face.
“Has your arm been bothering you at all?”
“No. And I’m no medic, but I’m pretty sure infections don’t form overnight.”
“No. But with the proper care, an infection can be prevented, and I don’t want it to get infected. It causes more work for me, and I’m a lazy bitch,” which made me laugh.
He took my left arm in his soft, warm hands. He gently unwrapped the bandages from the cut. It was the first time I had seen the wound. The moment I saw it, it began to sting. Odd. Yesterday I hadn’t really taken in Me-Li-Stagtum, but now looking at him, he looked not that much older than me.
“How old are you?” He looked up from my cut, where he was applying some kind of balm. He blew some of his long blond hair that had come free from his bun out of his face. My mother would have loved him. She had been trying to get me to grow my hair long for ever. She wanted me to have a more traditional hair style, but I didn’t want to have to do all that hair care shit.
“Seventeen.”
“Seventeen! Are you even qualified?”
“My father was a medic, so I grew up around it. By the time I was fourteen, I was already taking basic care of some of my dad’s patients. It was just basic things like changing bandages and checking vitals with him breathing down my neck. This year, they didn’t just lower the age of army enlistment; they also lowered the age you could join medical school. They need more medics just as much as they need soldiers, so I jumped at the chance to get my license.”
“That’s impressive,”
“Thank you.” His acceptance of compliments was enviable.
He rewrapped my arm in bandages. He passed me a roll of bandages and said, “I want you to change the dressing every day. And as you pointed out before, infections don’t form overnight, so come back in two days.”
I stood up and bowed to him. I didn’t like him much, but I didn’t hate him either. Even if I hated him, I still would have shown him the proper respect. My mother did teach me some manners. I internally cursed him. I didn’t want to come back. I would be fine. The worst part was that I couldn’t be mad at him because he was just doing his job. But I was still going to be mad because I could. Juvenile? 100%. I hate it when people care for my health and wellbeing.
I saw Pill outside the tent. He was running his fingers through his hair. He had large bags under his eyes. He looked like he hadn’t slept. He had a bad case of bedhead. Even when his hair was messy, it was gorgeous. He had a very traditional hair style. Shoulder-length hair with Tibtans, small parts of hair rapped in cotton thread traditional to Pallamin and other parts of Ossory. I only had one at the back of my head. It looked odd with my short hair, but mom insisted that I have one for luck.
Even in his grief, I can see how he got the prettiest girl in our year, Ta~Flamie. She was waiting back home for his five years of compulsory service to end. I was hoping he would be among the minority of those who returned alive.
When he saw me, he turned and began to walk away. I called out his name. He turned to face me and said, "Yesterday, you wanted me to fuck off, and now you want me to stay. Make up your mind.”
“I wanted to apologise for telling you to fuck off.” I knew immediately that my tone had ruined the whole encounter. I wasn’t thinking, and I went on the defensive.
“I know you are hurting, but I am too. You lost a boyfriend, but I lost two of my closest friends. Did you ever think of that?”
In retrospect, I should have just apologised, but of course I couldn’t. “Well, I had to watch them die.” My voice cracked, and I felt stupid. I didn’t want to, but I started crying. I had been holding it back for too long, and it all came out at once.
“That must have been so hard for you. I hope you feel better soon. If you watch any of my other friends’s deaths, be sure to come tell me about how much worse you have it.” His voice was dripping with sarcasm. He then turned and rushed off. I think he started crying.
I just stood there for a minute. The sun had just broken through the clouds, bathing me in warmth. I swear the sky likes to make fun of me. I stood there feeling nothing but anger until the guilt came crashing down on me. I couldn’t have handled the situation any worse. Pill was the only person I had left, and now I have lost him. He was right. I was wrong. I hated to admit it, but it was true. I hated him for that.
I wish Calla was there. He would have known what to do. He would have known how to reconcile with Pill. He would have known how to comfort me after his death. Now, that just didn’t make sense, but it was true. He always knew what to do. But now. Now he was gone, and I would never have him solace me again. I needed him to get me through his death. Again, that makes no logical sense, but who’s brain ever makes logical sense?