After Claire closed the tavern for the night, Nicolas accompanied her on their walk back toward the estate. When the gate came into view, Claire glanced at Nicolas and immediately noted the sadness hanging around him, even though his aura was a bit difficult for her to read, considering his sire was just as powerful as Haven had been.

Once they entered the gate, he nodded goodnight to her and began heading in the direction of the Toreador house that he had eventually made himself claim as his home until he decided if he wanted one outside the walls someday. Only as he turned away, Claire had to speak up, “Sebastian’s problems aside, you and I haven’t talked much lately. Can’t help wondering how you’re coping with being in that house again” she asked with a sympathetic smile.

Nicolas sighed softly as he turned back, though his eyes remained downcast, “luckily I don’t remember much other than Thomas biting me and then next thing was all the bodies. Everything in between is cloudy” he admitted.

“Just thought I should ask since you seem somewhat sad” Claire dared further.

Another slight sigh as he moved his eyes around the grounds to buy time before answering, “that sadness is not so much because of the night I died; it’s mainly the nights since.”

Claire looked up at him worriedly, “meaning?”

“Since I changed, and lost the bond to you… it’s just been very lonely. Lonely is not good when I have the things I have in my head” he finished with his voice shaking.

Claire couldn’t help her own sadness upon hearing his words, “you have your servant, right?”

“I suppose” Nicolas just shook his head; “she just always looks at me like she wants more than I can…” he just looked down again instead of trying to find an end for that statement.

“She’s bound to you; she wants you the way you wanted me then” Claire informed with the same sadness. She then had to add, “does this mean that you’re still having trouble letting anyone else close?”

“I still want you, even with no bond” Nicolas corrected, and then added, “and it was easier with you; you made me trust you first.”

Trying to move past the first part of his sentence, as difficult as that was, Claire responded “you know you can trust her with your life; that’s what the bond does.”

“But I understand that for her the bond is what makes her think she wants to be with me; with you, you had no bond to me, and you still tried so hard to make me better. That is different bond” he finished quietly as he looked down again.

“I don’t want you to be lonely, Nicolas” she said softly as she moved to place her hands upon his face, “but if I’m still the only person that you feel safe with, then I’m not sure how much I really did fix” she whispered sadly.

“I felt fixed when I was with you” he returned quietly, “now I don’t know what I feel. I am less afraid of lots of things now; but there is still that one thing that I am afraid of with anybody but you” he confessed, “maybe that’s why I wanted to help the boy at the tavern. I know that you are the one person who can make that safe for anyone; even me” he told her with a sad smile.

Claire sighed heavily as she continued to hold his face close to hers, “you do realize that you’ve got a lot more power now? You’re even more powerful than me,” she admitted with a bit of worry in her tone, though she moved on, “your sire was as powerful as Sean’s. You could be Sean’s equal once you learn everything about what you now are. There really are very few people that could ever hurt you again, Nicolas; no matter how close you let them get” she attempted to assure.

“You are still only one I want to be close to” he told her softly as he bravely moved to cover her lips with a gentle kiss. After several long moments, Nicolas made himself break off that kiss and slowly headed back to his new home alone, that sadness and longing for Claire still so apparent.

----------------------------------------

When Claire did return to her bedroom that night, Sean was already waiting in bed for her, a sheet draped over his hips, a smile on his lips. Upon seeing Claire’s obvious discontent, his smile did fade into a look of concern as his pools of blue watched as she closed the door behind her with a sigh.

“Considering how we spent a great deal of the last twenty-four hours, your expression has me perplexed” he greeted her softly as she began removing her boots and long coat.

“Just had a slightly upsetting conversation” Claire offered softly as she moved to the bed, curling back into his arms which she wrapped around herself protectively.

“You may have to be a little more specific than that” Sean replied as he let her curl closer back against him as he placed a kiss upon the back of her head.

“You know what we did tonight and this morning; that was the first time I was intimate like that with anyone again since… what Thomas made me do” she finished more quietly.

“I assumed that was the case” Sean replied with continued concern as well as continued regret that something such as that had happened to her at all.

“And you know I was very worried about being with Daniel even before that, since he can read me but I can barely read him” Claire continued in the same quiet tone.

“Yes I seem to recall something like that” Sean returned slowly, trying to guess at where this conversation was actually going.

“Because he was the same generation as you; he was Thomas’ childe after all” she added pointedly.

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Sean narrowed his eyes at that, “something happen with Nicolas?” he easily followed her implication, especially in light of the worries they still held about Nicolas possibly turning antitribu as well someday.

“Even before my talk with Nicolas tonight, he actually had suggested something else; which isn’t that horrible of a suggestion in and of itself, but after I’ve just now finally become comfortable being with you again…” Claire just shook her head.

“I think you may be skipping parts of the story here” Sean stated, though gently.

Claire sighed as she rolled to her back, still remaining in his arms though as her green eyes focused on the ceiling instead of his face. She took another moment before trying to explain the first part of the evening’s worrisome conversations with Nicolas, “Nicolas thinks that I should help Sebastian.”

“Sebastian, Kristofer’s kid; that Sebastian?” Sean replied with another furrow of his brow. Claire simply nodded with a sigh, causing Sean to continue, “didn’t you already give him a job and a home, of sorts?”

“Yes, but Nicolas noticed him watching Davina tonight” Claire attempted to better explain.

“Doesn’t everyone in the tavern watch Davina?” Sean smirked, having seen the girl perform a few times himself.

“I mean watching her like a boy watches a girl he’s attracted to” Claire added.

“Isn’t that what most of the customers do when she’s onstage?” Sean added with the continued smile, faint though it still was.

“Nicolas got the impression that Sebastian would be interested in being with her; so he spoke to Sebastian about it and found out that Sebastian is afraid to be with any girl… any living girl” she corrected.

That was when Sean sighed and joined her on his own back to stare at the ceiling above their bed as well, “because of what any of his possible children could turn into” Sean supplied the rest of that answer, then he looked back at her, “and you started out by saying that Nicolas thought you should help him, since he’s afraid to be with a living girl” Sean added as his mind traveled back through the beginning of the conversation.

“And like I said, I’ve just barely gotten to the point where I can do that with you” Claire stated in the same near whisper.

“I understand your apprehension, honestly, but what I’m not sure of here is why Nicolas would make that suggestion, all things considered” he added more quietly, easily recollecting the heartbreaking confession Nicolas had finally made to Sean about his own terrible past.

Claire sighed again, “Nicolas says that I’m the only person he knows that can make someone who’s afraid of being close to others… not be afraid anymore.”

“Because he was finally able to be close to you himself” Sean supplied the rest of the sentence again.

“And he was a lot more damaged than a boy who is mainly just afraid of getting a girl pregnant” Claire added sadly.

Sean thought a moment before responding, “well if it’s only a question of that, you can just try to push him in the direction of one of our female servants; they can’t get pregnant either” Sean reminded, “so you shouldn’t feel obligated or nervous about it. Just offer him a slightly different alternative. I’m sure the servants have enough desires from our lovely blood that they would hardly mind anyway.”

“I suppose that could take care of that problem. Or if he really likes Davina, I could make her some of that concoction that I used for most of our marriage” Claire suggested thoughtfully, though couldn’t help looking away as that subject was dangerously close to another that she didn’t want to go near.

“See, problem averted” Sean smiled, though upon noting her still sad expression, he spoke again, “so I’m guessing there was another part of your conversation with Nicolas that you’re looking so torn about still.”

Claire sighed again, “he also told me that he’s still afraid to be close to anyone but me; and that even without the bond, he still wants me. And he’s terribly lonely without us being lovers anymore; and lonely is a very bad thing when it makes you think about all the terrible things Nicolas has to think about.”

“And there’s the fact that you had to take a long time to adjust to just being with me again… and since you can no longer read him, it’s that much harder for you to get close to him now too” Sean finished for her once more, making one wonder if he was using that ability on her again, or if he just knew her that well.

“It’s just sad if I’m still the only person he trusts to let himself be close to; especially since he now has eternity to deal with. Doing that alone can’t possibly be a good thing for anyone; let alone someone whose memories are their worst enemy. It just really makes me worry that if he can’t let himself get close, he really will give into all those dark memories and become just like Thomas” she finished sadly.

“So, he’s afraid to be with anyone but you, and you’re afraid to be with anyone stronger than you, still” Sean summarized sadly.

“With Daniel, I only gave in to trying to trust at all because I knew you’d be at my side to protect me if you had to. I can’t bring you into Nicolas’ bed with me though; because of the very reasons that I am the only one that he can trust” Claire further summarized.

“What about his servant?” Sean asked after another moment.

“Believe me that was the first thing I suggested. That’s what led to him telling me that I’m still the only one he trusts still, even though she is bound to him.” Claire sighed once more.

“So one of you is going to have to learn how to trust at any rate. He either has to learn to trust someone else, or you have to try to be able to trust a possibly stronger Kindred who already has tendencies that could lead to him turning dark; not to mention the reason it took so long for you to even trust me again” Sean stated as he mirrored her sigh.

“And me not trusting him again could be directly responsible for him falling into that darkness” Claire whispered.

“Claire, you can’t possibly let yourself take the blame for that too. It was de Sade who hurt him badly enough to curse him with all the demons that could lead him into that darkness. You were the one bright thing in his life” Sean assured.

“Exactly. He pretty much admitted that being with me would probably be the only thing that kept him from succumbing” Claire restated with even more sadness.

“You can’t put that kind of pressure on yourself, Claire” Sean warned, “you can’t force yourself to decide to be with him again if it’s something you honestly don’t want to do. That would almost be the same as…”

Though Claire interrupted before he could finish, “but I never had a problem being with him before. So why should I now?”

“Isn’t that almost the same argument you used to try to convince yourself that what Thomas made you do wasn’t nearly as horrible as it was?” Sean told her with a gentle kind of force.

“I can’t just let him slip into that darkness though, Sean. His life was already hell. I can’t let him suffer that for eternity too” she returned, trying to bite back tears at the thought of Nicolas having to live an eternity of suffering when she had tried so very hard to repair that damage back when he was still mortal.

Sean was quiet for another long moment as he mulled over her words, knowing both he and Claire had valid points about the entire situation. After another several minutes, he spoke again, “this almost makes me wonder if we should have erased his memory after all.”

“Erasing four years of his life, Sean? Plus a lot of the three years before his embrace, too. That could cause so many other problems” Claire warned.

Sean scoffed sadly, “it’s a moot point anyway. I can’t do that anymore. No more than I could try to erase Awsha’s or Daniel’s memories” he admitted with another sad sigh; once again Sean found himself having to admit that there was yet another problem he couldn’t find any good solution to at all.