THE WOMAN-WHO-KNEW-MEMES BY HIMERA
Truly, the Amity Colosseum was a miracle of engineering. Without any embellishment, he was a real achievement of the human genius of the Remnant, who managed to lift many thousands of tons of metal into the air. Perhaps only the Atlas capital soaring in the sky could compete with him.
As with any such symbol, the shell had to correspond to the status, so it is not surprising that not only outstanding builders and engineers were involved in the creation of the Colosseum, but also designers capable of giving it an outstanding appearance. It was made of the highest quality concrete and steel, was decorated with the best exotic materials brought from all over the world. From the boarding platforms and ticket offices to the spectator seats and VIP boxes for the elite, the Colosseum was beautiful in everything, from whatever side you look at it. Especially noteworthy was the most complex mechanical system that allows you to customize the diverse terrain and landscape of the arena.
But here, in the depths of the premises, where technical passages and corridors «for staff» intertwined, little remained of this beauty. The lighting was sterile and sparse, the decorative panels were replaced by painted concrete, and all the free space was occupied by communications: ventilation ducts, cables and various pipes. Instead of the hubbub of the crowd and pleasant music, the clicking of mechanisms, the rustle of air conditioners and the annoying buzz of levitation systems filled the space.
However, Mercury Black cared very little about all this. He didn't come here to admire the views and the pretentious show, but to do the job assigned to him. While Cinder was preparing for a «revealing» performance, and Emerald was covering for the absence of companions, the mercenary himself had to go down into the tunnels, penetrate into the reactor room, where he was supposed to mine the engines of the Colosseum.
After all, it won't collapse on the city by itself, right?
Therefore, Mercury confidently but slowly moved towards his goal. Metal soles clattered on the floor covering, attentive eyes tenaciously examined the surroundings, and the right hand did not leave the pistol holster. When he came to the next fork, he stopped, looked around again, inserted the decoder into the combination lock, and then, after waiting for a characteristic signal, entered the door that opened. If the schematics received from Watts did not lie, there was only one transition and two turns left from here to the reactor compartment.
It's nice when everything goes right.
The mercenary was about to move on when he was stopped by a melodious female voice.
«Are you in a hurry somewhere, Mr. Black?»
Glynda Goodwitch, a teacher of the combat training course, blocked his path. A tall blonde in stylish clothes stood a few meters away from Mercury, effectively crossing her arms under her lush breasts. Intelligent green eyes looked at the uninvited guest attentively and sternly, full lips were discontentedly curved; a weapon, a cavalry stack, was currently resting on her belt.
The woman in front of him was confident, strong... and incredibly arrogant. This should have been taken full advantage of.
«Oh, Miss Goody!» Mercury smiled impudently and raised his hands in a conciliatory manner, demonstrating the absence of weapons in them. «I got a little lost here. I wanted to go to the bathroom, but something didn't work out».
«Looking for a bathroom?» The woman raised an eyebrow skeptically. «Here? In a technical passageway closed to visitors and staff below the second level of admission?»
«Well, you know how it is». He shrugged, taking a few steps toward me. «First you turn the wrong way, and now you're already there... in some hole!»
In the end, his patience failed him, and Mercury could not hold the mask to the end. Having already finished speaking, he rushed from his seat, jumping up to the surprised woman with all possible haste. There was a pop of spent dust charge in the air, after which the mechanical knee, accelerated by the engine, crashed into Goodwich's stomach.
Mercury was an experienced bounty hunter and therefore knew several important rules necessary for any person in his profession. The first rule is that the aura does not protect the hunter absolutely, and with proper skill it can be overcome. Just as a bulletproof vest stops bullets, but does not extinguish kinetic energy at all, so this remarkable ability does not save from a very strong attack concentrated on a small area. The main thing is to put all the available forces into it and choose the right moment to strike.
The second rule is that physiology is physiology. Regardless of the presence of an aura, the human body of a person is heterogeneous and not equally well protected everywhere. Heart, lungs, neck and groin – these are the priority targets for the attack. And, of course, the stomach. With a successful hit, even an experienced hunter may be forced to spit out his insides to the ground.
Mercury was even sorry to spoil this sexy teacher.
But for some reason, Goodwitch hasn't gone bad at all. She didn't even move. She only swayed slightly, and then with a reciprocal movement threw Mercury away from her, forcing him to crash into the door. Not a drop of pain appeared on the proud and thoroughbred face of the blonde, only her lips curled contemptuously, and an unkind look ran through her glasses.
It was unexpected, the guy admitted, but at the same time not quite. «Glynda Goodwitch» was a big name that spoke better than any evidence about the strength of its owner. If the huntress not only managed to live to adulthood, but also become recognizable by people like Mercury, it meant that she definitely had a couple of trump cards up her sleeve. What was it, the strengthening of the aura? Or the virtuoso use of telekinesis? No matter, one way or another, it was not worth underestimating this arrogant woman.
«Did you learn it in your cushy Beacon Academy?» The mercenary threw a joke, choosing an angle for an attack.
«No, a friend taught me». The huntress replied, not moving from her place. She didn't seem to notice Mercury's efforts, continuing to look at him as if he were a cockroach. «It could have been better if it weren't for other responsibilities. I'm not like those damn lazy girls».
This unflappable comment suddenly enraged the guy very much, forcing him to attack ahead of time. But this attempt was not crowned with success. Easily dodging his feint, Goodwitch grabbed the killer by the neck with one hand, and then threw him to the other end of the corridor, slamming him into the concrete wall with all her might.
Fearing to miss another blow, Mercury immediately got out of the funnel and took a defensive stance.
«What the hell are you!?» he shouted, giving vent to boiling anger.
«Why don't you stick around and find out?»
This time, the mercenary waited a few seconds, assessing the woman slowly approaching him. Okay, if it didn't work out to kill her right away, then it's worth trying a different approach. Nodding to his own conclusions, Mercury pushed off from the wall and rushed forward to explode into a whirlwind of feints and punches.
It doesn't matter that she's some kind of super-huntress capable of shrugging off his best punches. Rule number three – aura ends for all fighters. Little by little, bit by bit, but the enemy can be exhausted by simply exhausting his strength, so instead of one decisive attack, the mercenary brought down dozens of them on a flat female stomach.
He had never worked so hard before, either in the training hall or during the execution of contracts. He squeezed everything out of himself, mercilessly beating the elastic flesh, pounding with his fists on the impudent teacher. His teeth were grinding with tension, and his hands seemed to be blurring in the air, leaving smeared traces. His breathing became heavy, confused, but Mercury continued to beat, beat and beat ... and all to no avail.
At some point, having exhausted his stamina, the mercenary was forced to break the distance. Looking incredulously at the enemy, he only shook his brush wearily, feeling his muscles ache with pain. He did it, he saw it, but still couldn't believe that all his attacks didn't cause any harm.
«Why won't you die?» It came out of his mouth against his will.
Goodwitch just grinned and grabbed the hem of her snow-white blouse with her hands, mercilessly tearing it. Scraps of fabric flew into the air, revealing flawless female body. Her large and firm breasts barely fit in a lacy black bra, her flat stomach was covered with prominent muscles, and the reflections of electric lamps seductively played on her smooth velvet skin. But there was not a single bruise or scratch on this entire splendor, as if the body of his mistress had not been beaten for several minutes in a row.
Mercury's eyes widened in amazement. He was sure that his efforts could harm himself Ironwood.
As if reading his thoughts, the blonde smiled indulgently and put her hand to her elastic chest. And where her palm touched the sexy body, a black metallic spot suddenly appeared, spreading rapidly across the skin, moving towards her right hand.
«Nanomachines, son!» A graceful fist smashed into the floor, forcing him to crouch a few inches, sending a cloud of dust into the air. «You can't hurt me, Black!»
Mercury stepped back against his will, feeling his intuition warn him. It looks like it won't be as easy as he thought at first.
********
BAD END 1: CARELESS SUMMONS BY THECENTERACT
She didn't mean to summon him.
Really, she did not.
But here he was, in front of her. Confronting her. She tried to explain it to him, her reasons for his circumstances, the purpose behind it all. But he wouldn't hear of it.
They talked at length. Well, she did, she tried everything on her power to persuade him to see her perspective. And yet, as she went on, she knew that this could not move him. And it seemed that nothing would, so in the end, she tried one last gambit.
"It seems like nothing will truly make you see how I see, and I am greatly saddened by that fact. But know this your chosen companions are there to help you, not to hinder, listen to them, for they will guide you."
He seemed to hear nothing of it, but when she stole another glance at him, he looked like he had realized something, though no matter how she probed, he wouldn't answer her. It was only after a moment that she saw what she had done, and she cursed inwardly. There was the only thing he seemed to hear about his women, and it was something she wouldn't have wanted for him to realize.
There was more silence. Her, hesitant to speak and incriminate herself more. Him, mulling over his discovery in painful contemplation.
Finally, he seemed to have come to a decision, he was about to turn his back on her, intent on doing something. That thing would no doubt be detrimental to her plans, she couldn't allow that.
"Wait!"
He stopped then, he didn't turn back, but his head was tilted towards her. No longer did he speak, though it was clear he was waiting for her next words. And yet, even though she called out for him, she had none. Even for all her power and might, she was paralyzed, stuck in a moment in time. She couldn't find the words.
Until finally... he turned back, and left.
Her hands stretched out to him, but still could not speak. At this moment, she experienced something like never before.
'What a this strange feeling... this is... hopelessness... huh...'
'...'
'I hate it.'
********
The next time she saw him in the flesh, he stood above a multitude of corpses, not just those of creatures, but of whole Worlds. His companies were arrayed behind him as he confronted her, they looked haggard, just like him. But his eyes, when she looked at them, she only saw one thing.
Resentment.
He did not speak, but as she'd seen, his eyes told her more than he could ever say.
Finally, she could bear the silence no longer, she opened her more and spoke.
"I... am sorry."
"..."
"I know that my apologies are oh no use to you, but still, I can only repent in what I put you through. That was the only thing I could do, to get you for myself. Please, hear out my words... please..."
"..."
And yet, he only gazed at her impassively, and her pleas feel on deaf ears. His women stood by the side, seemingly with no reaction. She found that strange, as they usually were much more expressive than that, but she dismissed it after a moment's thought, there were more important things here.
"Please listen to what I have to say, I promise you, all will be right once you hear what I have to say."
"..."
"..."
He scrutinized her face, looking at her seemingly puzzling her out. But finally, after a long moment of silence, he spoke.
"Okay."
"!"
She couldn't help but jump. She couldn't believe it, he really had spoken, and he seemed to have calmed down now as well. His figure relaxed during the period of silence. When she realized that, a spark of relief bubbled from within her chest, and a smile involuntarily showed up on her face. And so with a cheer in her voice, she opened her mouth to speak.
"Very good, now listen and-"
Pitch black. Darkness. The last thing she saw was his dull and empty eyes, and the last thing she thought was a single question.
'... since when did his Life go out?'
********
Silent, the World was silent, and everything within was also silent.
No one spoke for a long time. Then, his body twitched. He jerked, shivered, and then seemed to convulsed. Then he stilled.
With a drawn out sigh, he suddenly spoke.
"Now, it's time for you all to go."
"..."
No one responded, and he sighed again.
"Alright... this is... goodbye."
It was only then that they finally had a reaction. Some twitched, a few fingers curled, and many mouths opened. And yet no actions occurred. Unheeding of their strangeness, he spoke out his Order.
"By the power of my command seals, I command you, pass on."
A blinding light erupted from their forms, and there was a cacophony of seeming heavenly choruses sounded from within it. It was at this point that they all finally found the strength to break through their bondage. As one, they screamed one final plea to him.
"NO, PLEASE!"
But it was of no use. There was a final flash of a scintillating shine, then finally... silence.
The world was once more calm, exceedingly so. With nary a sound to be heard, it was obvious when the forlorn sigh resounded.
"Haaaaa... Finally."
He looked to the blackened skies above him, Ash drifted down with obstruction, as even the wind had been slain in the conflict between powerful forces. Yet nonetheless, he prevailed. He deafeted any and all who challenged him. He slew all those who opposed him. He sacrificed everything in his grasp. And in the end, all of that, all the fights, all the fights, and all the sacrifice. All these things was for one thing, and one thing only... FREEDOM.
"And now, I finally have it."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"No one will take it away from me... my precious freedom."
The sounds of strange laughter rang out through the barren land. No being was there to witness the unusual sight. Nor were there any to realize what exactly was happening to the being at the center of it all. And that was just the way he liked it.
"Heheheheheheheheheheee-"
The sound faded away like ashes to the wind. Never to be seen or heard of ever again.
********
These next ones are from me.
********
HOME
"Tsunade-sama. Tsunade-sama. Wake up Tsunade-sama."
"Mrgl," Tsunade slurred unintelligibly as she tried to waive off the voice.
Sleep good.
Awake bad.
"Tsunade-sama," the voice sighed in exasperation before firming up. "Oh look, someone found your secret stash."
"YORUICHI!!" Tsunade roared as she jumped from her chair, fist extended to pound that thieving cat.
Did the shinigami not understand how hard she had worked to get Scathach to make sake instead of her usual brew? The only way Yoruichi would get her hands on it was if it was over Tsunade's cooling corpse... Or if she had something equal to trade.
Like the next Date Day.
Tsunade blinked as her vision swam back into focus.
That wasn't Yoruichi.
"Shizune?" Tsunade croaked in confusion.
Only long familiarity with the Senju had saved the girl's life, having stepped back before the former Hokage had awoken. Even then, Tsunade's fist had stopped less than an inch from the black-haired girl's face.
"Who's Yoruichi?" To her credit, Shizune seemed utterly unfazed by her almost murder at her teacher's hand.
Tonton, the miniature pig she carried in her arms, was a different story. It squealed and squirmed, honking and snorting in fear, then anger at Tsunade.
"Shizune?" Tsunade asked again. Then her face firmed, and she stirred her chakra. "Kai!" She called as she did the seal of release.
The Defences should protect her from genjutsu and other illusions directly on her, but old habits died hard.
"Tsunade-sama?" The thing pretending to be her former protegee said, looking worried.
Tsunade didn't give them a chance to do anything, moving with her full speed to grab the impostor and run her diagnostic jutsu over them in less than a second. Whatever method they were using would not escape her senses.
Only... Tsunade sensed nothing off. No trace of foreign chakra, unfamiliar techniques, or different DNA.
She had scanned Shizune more times than probably anyone else in her life, just by virtue of being her teacher and the long time spent together, and Tsunade could say, with one hundred percent certainty, that this was her protegee.
This was impossible because Shizune was dead, and her world was lost, so not even her husband could bring her back.
Was Tsunade in another world? How had she come here? Where was everyone?
"Tsunade-sama?" Shizune asked again, now looking at the older woman with genuine concern. "Are you all right? What is wrong?"
Tsunade tried to reach out to Mikael, to Life, but came up empty.
Nature chakra did not respond to her. She could not shape wood. Her Haki was silent, and Aura did not glow within her.
In one final desperate attempt, Tsunade tried to transform. Without Wood Release, she couldn't become the Female Titan, but she was still a Dragon of Life. She could still become the monolith of wood and power.
Only she couldn't.
For all intents and purposes, Tsunade was a regular, if powerful, Kunoichi again.
Shizune panicked as her mentor fell to her knees, tears streaming from her face.
"Tsunade-sama!?"
*
A dream.
That's what Shizune said.
A product of binge drinking for three days straight and sleeping off the hangover.
Tsunade hadn't fallen fighting Madara. Her world hadn't been destroyed while she lay there, unconscious or dead.
Instead, the Fourth Shinobi World War had escalated after she and the other Kage had been unconscious. Including, but not limited to, the former Hokage coming back from the dead, the Juubi being fully resurrected, Madara being betrayed, and the Mother of Chakra, Kaguya, being an alien bent on reclaiming all the chakra in the world.
Naruto, with the aid of his team, had defeated her and freed everyone from the eternal illusion that kept them trapped while they were sucked dry.
That had been years ago.
Now, the world was relatively peaceful for the first time in... ever, really.
Tsunade was no longer Hokage and spent her time in retirement drinking, occasionally working at the hospital when the mood struck her, and gambling her way across the Elemental Nations.
As Shizune spoke, the memories started coming back to Tsunade.
Helping grow Naruto a new arm, appointing Kakashi Hokage until Naruto was ready, and even a vague memory of her time trapped in the Infinite Tsukiyomi.
Tsunade even remembered the last few days of drinking, a celebration of her return to Konoha after her most recent 'diplomatic trip (read: carousing across the land.)'
Tsunade wandered through the streets of Konoha, greeted everywhere by smiling faces and laughter. Everyone knew her name and face, and they were all overjoyed to see her return.
She looked to the mountain and saw the new face upon it beside hers.
The sky was clear and beautiful.
No Chill Moon dominated the horizon, inlaid with rings of gold. A constant of existence so omnipresent was it in her life that Tsunade only noticed when it was gone.
The sky looked barren without it.
It had all been a dream.
"Baa-chan!" Naruto waved excitedly as he caught sight of her, running up to her while her second student followed behind at a more sedate pace, no less pleased to see her mentor.
"Tsunade-sama," Sakura said warmly, though with a note of amusement. "How are you doing today? Not too hungover, are you?"
Tsunade stared at the pair.
"Need some of Kurama's chakra," Naruto asked, hand extended and glowing slightly. "That helped Sai when Ino got him drunk."
Shizune, Sakura, and Naruto had been the ones Tsunade had grieved for the most, yet here they were.
They were alive.
They were happy.
"Baa-chan?" Naruto asked, bandage-wrapped arm falling as he looked at her, brow furrowing.
"It's nothing," Tsunade said with a shake of her head and pulled them both into a tight hug in a move that surprised the younger ninja. "It's nothing."
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"It's not," Sakura said with a frown as she pulled away slightly from the hug to look over her mentor. "You didn't even try to hit Naruto for calling you 'Baa-chan.'" "Hey!" "It must be serious."
Tsunade wondered what her face looked like that these two immediately knew of her internal turmoil.
Tsunade should be happy.
Her village and her students were still alive. Her world wasn't destroyed.
It had all been a long dream.
She should be happy.
Yet she wasn't.
There was no Yoruichi around to quarrel with, drink with, or reminisce with.
Tsunade would never again be able to spend a day reading in quiet company with Robin or engage in a week-long sparring session with Artoria as they really let loose without restraint.
Medea would never again fret about the kitchen and her workshop, dedicating enormous time and effort to projects for the rest of the Family.
Raven was no longer a constant presence in her shadow, a quiet yet reassuring friend to have her back.
Never again would Tsunade be able to join Glynda in teaching students and seeing strange and wondrous children grow under their tutelage.
Tsunade would never hear Diana and Emma's constant arguments over righteous morality versus cynical pragmatism.
She could not subtly tease Ranni as the goddess tried to maintain a placid face, unaware she was the most expressive of the Family in her real body.
No Priscilla to mentor. No Scathach to fight over which booze was best. No Melina to interject a witty snark to deflate their husband's ego. There was no fat cat, leading four dragons searching for food, conquest, food, mischief, and food.
Tsunade would never again feel the omnipresent connection to her husband, feel his power wrap around her in constant reassurance that he was there.
That she was loved.
"No," Tsunade eventually said. "I am not all right."
Tsunade would never see her sons again.
Never hear their rambunctious antics as the twins fought, pranked and laughed in that perfect combination of Mikael's sense of humour and Tsunade's own hotheadedness from her youth that she pretended annoyed her but secretly loved.
Never see them grow up, become men and start their own families.
"What happened?" Sakura asked.
Shinobi were survivors, and Tsunade was the greatest Kunoichi to have ever lived.
A dream would not defeat her.
However, it did leave her with a greater appreciation for all those who had experienced Heartbreak in her dream.
"A long dream," Tsunade shook her head. "Nothing that you can help with."
Naruto and Sakura shared a look but decided to let her keep her secrets for the moment and instead regale the former Hokage about what had happened in Konaha in her absence.
Tsunade let them but could not bring herself to forget that dream.
Even if it had never really happened, it had been real to her.
She'd survive.
That was the one thing Tsunade Senju always did.
What was one more tragedy to carry with her?
So, she tried to lose herself in Konoha's day-to-day life. She worked at the hospital, spent time with her students, and occasionally aided Naruto with his training.
Days passed. Weeks. Months.
The pain did not pass.
Tsunade never forgot the dream. It remained crystal in her mind as if her soul rejected the idea of living a different life.
She tried drinking once.
And only once.
Then Tsunade was back to drowning herself in work.
Shinobi were survivors, but they were also human.
Something had to give.
It would be either Tsunade or the world itself.
Tsunade would never bet on herself in that case. She knew her own limits. She was not Mikael and could not break worlds from sheer stubbornness. Her money was on her own failure.
Tsunade was always a terrible gambler.
The crack came in the most unexpected way.
The moon, the prison in which Kaguya was trapped, was breaking apart and falling to the Earth.
Tsunade trusted Naruto to handle the crisis and instead focused on evacuating civilians.
She didn't understand why people seemed so in awe of Naruto's power level or didn't think he could pull it off after everything he had done.
Not only was he the same brat she had challenged to learn the Rasengan, but compared to the things Tsunade had experienced in her dream, it was hard to consider a moon a viable threat.
That was something Tsunade struggled with on a daily basis.
It was hard to connect with others when she dreamed (knew) of so much more out there.
Tsunade had seen things and fought things that made Biju look like barnyard animals. She had seen enough death to make all Shinobi World Wars look like a playground fight.
More people had died on Heartbreak than were currently in the entire Land of Fire.
Sure, Naruto was powerful, but Mikael had destroyed planetary bodies larger by crashing into them on accident when he first flew to Earth.
Ranni liked to throw condensed moons at people, and Robin could make enough bodies to carry one if she had enough time.
If Tsunade was still a Dragon of Life, she could have handled it and the Ootsutsuki by herself.
But she wasn't, Tsunade reminded herself for the millionth time.
It had been a dream.
Now, she was just the former Hokage.
So, she went about saving civilian lives and trusting Naruto to handle the issue.
Which he did. Easily.
So easily that Tsunade felt like she had wasted time helping evacuate when nobody had been hurt in the first place.
Still, she needed to check up on the boy, Hinata, and Hanabi. Who knows what kind of after-effects their battle on the moon had caused?
Asking around, her students had the same thought as Sakura had led everyone to the hospital for a checkup.
As Tsunade approached the room Hinata and Naruto were in, she got her first hint of something off.
Hanabi was outside the door to the room, sitting in a chair for visitors, with a shell-shocked look on her face.
"Hanabi?" Tsunade asked, looking the girl over. Despite her recent kidnapping, she looked pristine, not a hair out of place. The former Hokage could hear voices in the room but couldn't make out the words. However, Naruto's fox-like laugh and Sakura's shouts were unmistakable, so she wasn't worried. "What is wrong?"
"Tsunade-sama?" The young Hyuuga looked at the older medic, eyes still wide. Which wasn't that rare for a Hyuuga, but the flush in the young lady's cheeks and the look in her normally placid eyes were not. "Tsunade-sama?"
"Yes," Tsunade said, stepping closer and running her diagnostic jutsu over the girl. Was she in shock? If so, why was Sakura or Shizune not tending to her? "I am here. You're safe now."
"Tsunade-same," Hanabi asked, her voice firming and her eyes losing their glassy look. "How do you seduce a man?"
To borrow one of Mikael's favourite phrases:
Wat?
"What?" Tsunade deadpanned. Had Naruto seduced both sisters with his rescue?
Good for him, but keep her out of it. Her luck with love was infamous.
And there was a problem with Hanabi having a crush on Naruto.
"A man," Hanabi repeated, standing from her seat and looking at the older woman.
Tsunade could see flames of determination in her eyes.
Who let Lee near the genin again?
Didn't they have a law against that?
"How do you make a man fall in love with you?"
"You're fourteen," Tsunade deadpanned. "Naruto is too old for you. Grow up a bit before thinking of love."
Yes, Tsunade and many other fresh genin started searching for young romantic partners.
That didn't stop them all from regretting it as they grew up.
No twelve-year-old makes good decisions about love.
"Naruto?" Hanabi wrinkled her nose. "No. Onee-sama is with him. They just kissed, and I am not interested in someone so immature."
Huh.
"Then who are you talking about?" Tsunade asked.
"A man," Hanabi sighed dreamily. "Powerful. Determined. Mature. He rescued us, fixed the moon and brought us home. You should have seen him Tsunade-sama. It was... I can't describe it. Some of the Jutsu he used, the way he took apart that Ootsutsuki... It was almost magical."
"Who is this man?" Tsunade asked with a frown.
Someone powerful enough to rescue Hanabi would definitely be someone they wanted on their side.
Also, young Kunoichi's appreciation for more mature male partners wasn't rare.
It was almost as if child soldiers had issues, but that couldn't be right.
"My future husband," Hanabi said with determination. "The Hyuuga need a man like that if we are to shake off the mistakes of the past. Powerful yet gentle. Someone who knows how to be serious, unlike Onee-sama's man-child."
"Right," Tsunade drawled. "He's in there, then?"
"Hai," Hanabi nodded seriously. "He claimed to need to speak with Shizune-san. While he does that, please teach me how to seduce a man."
"Not a chance," Tsunade snorted out a laugh as she rounded to the hospital room reserved for confidential patients.
Hanabi didn't even have a chance to beg some more before Tsunade stepped through, closing the door behind her quickly.
Tsunade knew a fangirl when she saw one.
It was a shame another Kunoichi was lost to the disease, but there were some things even Tsunade couldn't cure.
"You do not understand the sheer awesomeness of Orange," Naruto ranted from the medical bed while Sakura looked him over with a long, suffering look. Hinata sat demurely beside him while he spoke passionately to another medical bed, half hidden by privacy curtains. "Not only is the sun orange, which makes it the best, but it doesn't rhyme with anything, so it is unique. And, if you wear orange and still sneak up on people, it proves you are the best ninja ever."
Tsunade let out a sigh as she caught Sakura's eyes. They had heard Naruto's arguments for the terrible colour a dozen times.
Nothing they said or did would change his mind.
Or his horrid fashion sense.
"I'm not saying orange doesn't have its place."
The world froze.
"But wearing bright colours tends to piss off enemies. They feel insulted. Like you aren't taking them seriously."
"So?" Naruto asked petulantly, arms crossing defensively.
"So," the hidden voice drawled with humour. "If you are going to piss people off, don't do it halfway. Orange is good, but you can do better. Let's add some bright flowers or plants, maybe red or pink. A cartoon animal or two would work as well. Maybe a shirt that just says 'boobs' or something like it. We throw in some white and blue to really make it pop, and I promise you, nobody will ever be able to ignore you again."
"Ah," Shizune said, emerging from the other side of the curtained bed with a tray and looking at Tsunade with a smile. "Tsunade-sama. We were just talking about you."
Tsunade heard none of it. Saw none of it.
Not her students, not the way Hinata had paled at the implications of seeing Naruto dressing as suggested or the way the future Hokage was seriously considering the man's advice.
Tsunade's entire existence was narrowed to herself and that medical bed.
The curtains tore from the force as she pulled them back.
Mikael, propping his head up casually with one arm, popped another grape in his mouth as he looked at her.
Then he nodded.
"Yep," he said, eating another grape. "You're Mine, alright."
Tsunade was frozen, staring at the man of her dreams.
Then he was behind her.
SMACK!
"""Tsunade-sama!!""""BAA-CHAN!"
The entire room screamed in shock as Mikael spanked her on the ass hard enough to send her flying and denting the wall.
"That's what you get," Mikael said casually, ignoring the Shinobi and Kunoichi trying to attack him. They passed through his body harmlessly as he walked toward the woman, still paralyzed with shock. "This is why we travel together. Next time you try a ritual to find your home dimension, ensure I am there. Tracking isekai is a lot easier when I see the metaphorical truck-kun."
Still embedded in the wall, Mikael looming over her, Tsunade couldn't help herself.
"Kai!"
Mikael raised an eyebrow when nothing happened.
"Do you know how many dimensions I've had to hop through to find you? Sixty seven. It was a major hassle, and I didn't even get to make a sixty-nine joke. For shame."
He was mad. That was obvious. Tsunade didn't remember exactly what happened, but it was easy to see that Mikael wasn't pleased.
But he was here.
He was real.
It hadn't been a dream.
"""Tsunade-sama!!""""BAA-CHAN!"
Shizune, Sakura, Hinata, and Naruto all froze when Tsunade shoved her tongue down her attacker's throat, hands desperately grasping him as if he were the last drop of sake in the world.
Mikael eventually pulled away. The anger was still in his draconic eyes, but there was also much more there.
Tenderness. Relief. Love.
Tears streamed from Tsunade's eyes as she stared into them.
"I thought I had lost you," Mikael admitted, his own eyes moist, but he never cried openly.
Tsunade knew it was partly his ego and somewhat his own twisted form of Love.
Mikael wasn't above crying, but he always felt the need to put up a strong front for the Family. To be someone they relied on rather than the other way around.
It was such a Mikael thing to do that she had to kiss him again.
"Yuck," Naruto said, faking a barf. "Baa-chan, do that somewhere else."
"Ano," Hinata said shyly, half looking away. "You, um, know each other?"
Shizune and Sakura just stared, mouths open and eyes wide.
Tsunade was the one to break the kiss this time.
"This is my husband," Tsunade said to the group before rounding Mikael and ignoring their screams of """"HUSBAND!!!!"""
"What happened," she demanded as she mastered herself. "I don't remember how I got here. I don't have Haki, Aura, Defences, or my Element."
"You were trying a ritual to find your home worlds," Mikael explained, though he did laugh lightly at the faces of those around them. "But you used the one we invented to summon me into my true body from Elden Ring. It isn't really designed for that. It's designed to place a soul, a spirit, in a body. It brought your consciousness into the closest world to your home."
A body appeared in Mikael's arms. Her body. It looked like he was holding a sleeping Tsunade in his arms as he set it on the bed.
"How long has it been," Tsunade asked lowly as she stared at the empty vessel.
"Don't worry," Mikael shook his head. "Once I heard about what happened, I changed the relative time of the Jewel. It's barely been an hour for the Family."
"Sensei," Shizune asked gently. "What is going on? Who is this man?"
"I'll explain in a moment," Tsunade said, staring intently at the man as if daring him to lie. "And you? How long has it been for you? It's been months here."
Mikael shrugged casually.
"Seven thousand, give or take a few centuries. I needed to be thorough, so I wouldn't miss you on accident."
Tsunade closed her eyes in pain. Knowing what she did of Mikael's abilities, she must have been flung incredibly far in the multiverse for it to take so long.
Maybe even beyond the section Death was native to.
"I should have killed myself."
"SENSEI?!"
"It would have been quicker," Mikael admitted but shook his head. "I am glad you didn't. There was no need. A few thousand years is nothing. I'll search forever if it means finding you again."
Tsunade opened her eyes again and saw Mikael holding out his hand.
"Ready to come home?"
"I thought you weren't limited like this anymore," Tsunade said with a small smile.
"I am not. You are Family. You will always have the choice."
Tsunade took the man's hand and chose Freedom.
Her body fell to the ground as her soul was freed from its prison.
The gathered observers didn't even have time to react before Mikael placed Tsunade's soul in Her body.
It came back in an instant.
Haki, Aura, Wood Release, and her connection to Nature chakra.
But that was immaterial compared to the feeling of Him.
Tsunade was once more a Dragon of Life.
She could feel Him. All around her. In her. In everything.
Tsunade could feel his Love.
She took a breath and opened her eyes.
For the first time in months, Tsunade felt actually alive.
"There we go," Mikael said as he looked at his work proudly.
"What did you do to Baa-chan," Naruto growled, holding the empty corpse in his arms.
"I am fine," Tsunade said, sitting up. "That wasn't me. I was just wearing it. Think of it like one of Pein's bodies or a long-lasting shadow clone."
Not strictly true, she had just merged with the local Tsunade and mixed together. That's why they could share memories.
They should have been separated when Mikael Freed them, this world's Tsunade staying her body while she regained her proper form.
Unless this world's Tsunade chose Freedom, chose Mikael and Family over her current life and decided to remain bound to Tsunade as one being.
"Prove it," Sakura said seriously, fist clenched. "Prove you didn't just kill my teacher."
"I could lecture you about the metaphysics of the soul, the theories on streams of consciousness, and my ability to determine what is Mine and what isn't. I'm sure it would help tensions, make everyone feel better, and help your confusion," Mikael said conversationally as he nodded his head sagely.
Tsunade groaned, hands covering her face. She knew that tone of his. Mikael was about to do something insane, wasn't he?
"Or, I could do the exact opposite and cause as much chaos as possible in a way that will prevent you from even trying to use violence to stop me."
"And how will you do that?" Sakura bit out, punching her fist into her palm.
"Through the Justice of Cute!"
With that warcry, Mikael unleashed chaos on the world.
""Mommy!!"" Two young voices cried as Tsunade was tackled to the medical bed by her two frantic toddlers with enough strength to dent steel.
Mikael cackled in the background like the chaos gremlin he was as the room stood dumbfounded as the blond-haired, dragon-eyed Senju twins reunited with their mother.
Tsunade couldn't be mad at her husband as she held her sons.
She was home.
********
This Omake ended up a lot longer than I expected. Less directly funny but more heartwarming. I also consider this one half-canon. Some things won't line up, but I wanted to write a form of closure for Tsunade. She has gotten less screen time than I would have liked, so this was the least I could do.
********
FATE/RUN AWAY!
Saber stared at the steps leading to Ryoudou Temple for a half second before running up.
While she understood the need for caution, it went against her beliefs to leave Caster alone while they not only knew where she was, but the mage was also siphoning mana from people and killing them in the process.
Was Saber here against her Master's wishes? Yes, but it was better this way.
Shiro would insist on coming with her if he knew, and protecting him would make victory all the more unlikely.
Besides, Saber still had her enormous Magic Resistance, even with her botched summoning. The battle would end in less than a second if she could get near Caster.
Those thoughts propelled her up the steep stairway to the temple and her quarry.
They almost Saber her head.
Only her Instinct had the Knight jumping back in time to dodge the blade passing through where her neck would have been if she hadn't escaped.
"This mountain was built by me; these trees were planted by me; this road was opened by me! If you want to use this road, you must pay the mountain toll. Break this rule at your own peril!"
Saber stared.
And stared some more.
"What?" The man asked. "Was the delivery off? I knew I should have practiced more, but I didn't have much time, you know? I have surprisingly little experience accosting women. I should really fix that."
There was so much wrong with this situation, even ignoring the absurdity of his words.
For one, the man didn't feel like a servant. He didn't feel like anything at all, which was making Saber twitchy. But if he wasn't a Servant, he wouldn't have been able to almost kill Saber.
The logical conclusion was that this man was Assassin, with a very high rank in Presence Concealment, which would also explain his choice of words.
There was just one problem.
His shirt.
This man, whoever he was, was wearing the single most egregiously hideous shirt Saber had ever seen. Bright white, with pink and red flowers decorating it, it was open to show off his muscled abdomen. His shorts were also floral printed, but green and white instead of red. He wasn't wearing shoes.
If it weren't for the fact he held a sword in his hand, one that set her teeth on edge, Saber would have mistaken him for a beach bum.
She didn't know what that was, but her Grail Knowledge told Saber that this man must die at all costs.
"Identify yourself," Saber ordered, invisible sword pointed right at the man's face.
"Name's Mikael."
Saber stared again.
That was... easy. One's True Name was an advantage not easily let go of in a Holy Grail War.
"I was going to go for a whole King of Bandits thing," the man said with a chuckle at her expression. "The mood is ruined, though. No need to lie now. Besides, I know who you are, Artoria. Fairplay and all that."
"That is not my name," Saber frowned.
"So you aren't Artoria Pendragon?" The man asked rhetorically, looking amused. "King Arthur, the Once and Future King? The King of Knights? That isn't Excalibur under the Hammer of the Wind King pointed at my face? You will have to forgive me if I don't believe you."
"No," Saber shook her head, lowering her stance and readying herself for battle against this new foe. "I am King Arthur, the King of Knights, as you say. But my name is not Artoria. It is Altria."
All amusement fled from Mikael's face as he stared at the blonde for a long second.
Then he let out a long stream of curses, stomping and hollering in rage as expletive after expletive left his mouth.
Altria had lived with knights and soldiers for most of her life. Merlin had been her tutor and advisor for years. She wasn't unfamiliar with cursing, though she didn't partake as it was unbefitting a king.
Some of the things coming out of Mikael's mouth were so foul that even she couldn't help but blush in shame.
They were also anatomically impossible, she was sure.
And what was a cloaca?
"-micro-penis, dirt munching, language retarded, shit-talking shitake. NASU!!! You damn mushroom!! Hire proper translators, you cheap motherfucker! FGO LITERALLY PRINTS MONEY! Stop with this crappy ENGRISH, or I will smear you across dimensions!"
Mikael panted in rage, staring at Altria with red eyes.
Not from the rage. His eyes were literally a fiery orange and red, slit like a dragon's.
"Ok," Mikael said, calming down and running a hand through his hair. "Ok. I'm good now. You just triggered my PTSD."
"Apologies?" Saber asked/apologized. "Why does my name infuriate you so? I do not recognize you from my time."
"Don't worry about it," Mikael sighed. "Let's just fight to the death already. I need to hit something."
While Saber wasn't opposed to battling the man, she did have a few questions she would prefer answered.
"Who are you? A Servant? Why are you here? And where is Caster?"
"In order," Mikael said, raising his blade. "I was summoned as the Assassin of this war. I qualify for all classes, and any one of my wives counts as a catalyst for me, so here I am. I am specifically here to get in a good fight for the heck of it. At least initially. Now, I just need to vent a bit. Fucking mushroom-man. And Caster is probably in Paris by now."
"Paris?" Altria asked.
Why was the Caster in this Holy Grail War on the other side of the planet?
"On her honeymoon," Mikael nodded.
"Did you not say she was your wife? Should you not be with her?" Talking to this man was giving Saber a headache.
And she was a Servant.
They shouldn't be able to get headaches.
"I mean, she's a version of my wife," Mikael shrugged. "But she's not Mine, ya know? And there are an infinite number of my women out in the multiverse. I'm good. Really good. But even I cannot please an infinite number of my wives. The spirit and flesh are willing and able, but Space-Time is spongy and weak."
Wat.
"So I reincarnated this one, married her to Soichiro, and bought them tickets for a month-long honeymoon. They should be landing right about now."
So... Saber hadn't needed to run off on her own to try and save innocent people from a malevolent Caster.
So fighting this Assassin, who had possibly just admitted to being a Sorcerer with access to the Third True Magic, served no purpose besides removing him from the Holy Grail War?
Altria would still do it.
She wouldn't run from a fight, especially with her wish on the line, but her haste to attack the temple without Rin and Archer now seemed a little... hasty.
"Are we done talking?" Mikael asked. "Because I am going hit you now. Try not to die."
Mikael lunged.
Altria braced.
Mikael exploded.
Literally.
Altria stared at the pile of mushy bits that used to be Assassin.
All that remained was the bloody remains of a terrible shirt and two legs not attached to anything.
His sword fell to the ground with a clang.
"ARCHER!" Tohsaka's voice cut through Saber's shock. "I told you to wait!"
"Rin," Archer's voice sounded utterly defeated despite having successfully eliminated a Grail War participant.
"Don't 'Rin' me! It worked this time, but what if it didn't? Huh? What if you missed or hit Saber, or they had some sort of plan? This could be a trap, for all you know! If we're going to win, we need to think things through."
"Archer," Saber bit out in anger as her fellow Servant landed on the stairs near her, his Master in his arms. "What is the meaning of this?"
While this wasn't a formal duel between knights, and Saber wasn't opposed to fighting many against one, her experience in the Fourth Holy Grail had left scars.
Any similarities to how her previous Master did things left a bad taste in her mouth.
"Sorry, Saber," Archer sighed as he set down his Master. "When I saw Mikael, I literally could not help myself."
"You knew him?" Altria asked in surprise.
Even with access to the Throne of Heroes and the repository of knowledge it contained, Saber hadn't been able to identify him despite his name and seeing his weapon. Yet Archer had at a glance?
Archer sighed again, slumping forward in defeat.
"Yeah," Rin joined in, hands on her hips and eyes narrowed in suspicion. "You knew him? I thought you didn't remember anything?"
"It doesn't matter," Archer said, summoning one of his dual blades. He raised it, spinning it till it faced downward. "Nothing matters anymore."
Even as the blade fell, Saber's mind flashed back to the previous war.
Excalibur knocked Kansho from Archer's hands before the blade could plunge into the man's own chest.
"ARCHER!" Rin shouted in surprise. Her hand raised Command Seal at the ready. "Explain yourself!"
Archer just sighed again and looked at Saber.
It was a look that begged her to kill him.
"Don't be too hard on him," a voice interrupted them. "Ayala has a bit of an issue with me. Any of her Guardians that see me have to kill me on sight and then themselves. She's a bit of Yandere. Still better than Gaia."
Mikael, completely undamaged, walked between the two frozen women as they stared in shock.
Even his god-awful shirt was repaired and pristine.
Archer tried to kill himself again.
Mikael reached him first.
All the Assassin did was lay his hands on the Servant, and Archer stopped trying to impale himself with a rain of swords.
"She's going to be so mad," Archer sighed, rubbing his face tiredly. "Do you know how she gets when you Free us? I was cleanup duty for at least a thousand timelines!"
"Then you need a vacation," Mikael said imperiously. "And what do you know I happen to have this great-"
Mikael exploded.
Rin yelled in shock as blood and body parts rained down on her.
Saber stepped back, blade raised.
Archer just sighed for the dozenth time.
"You are in so much trouble," a cloaked woman said as she flew down from the top of the mountain to their little group.
"Hey, Medea," Archer greeted wearily.
"Emiya," the woman nodded in acknowledgment. Rin and Altria stared at the red Archer in shock. "I take it my husband already Freed you?"
"Yeah," Archer nodded easily, ignoring Rin trying to set him on fire with her glare. "Any idea what he has planned this time?"
"No," Medea spat, landing on the ground and stomping on the bloody remains of a terrible shirt. "All I know is he is in serious trouble."
"I am innocent!" Mikael cried as his head regrew. Medea was still standing on his chest, glaring down at him. "Also, Assassins suck. Their Spirit Origins are so fragile. I can regrow, but I would much rather not turn to salsa at the slightest hit."
"You could always Free yourself from the Class Container," Medea said with a roll of her eyes.
"But that's no fun," Mikael pouted. "Half the reason I accept these summons is to see what happens with whatever Class I end up in. I thought Assassin would be a good fit, you know? But it's so squishy. If I can't be a Saver, can I at least be a Saber, Lancer Rider, Berserker, or Avenger?"
"NO!!!" Archer shouted, his weariness replaced by wide-eyed fear. "I was there when you were summoned as an Avenger."
"You were?" Mikael asked curiously. "I don't remember seeing you."
"Because you destroyed the world before I could do anything!"
"Huh," Mikael hummed. "In my defence, I am immune to all mental interference by my own. I had no idea my Avenger class was so focused on the last half of Elden Ring. My bad. I don't allow myself to be summoned in that Class anymore."
Rin made a choking noise.
"Don't allow yourself to be a Berserker either," Archer said seriously.
"Why not? I didn't destroy that world. At least, I don't think so. I am not even an angry Berserker."
"What I think he means, dear," Medea interjected, reminding her husband that she was still standing on him. "Is that when you are a Berseker, you are completely unfiltered. Both in your sense of humour and in more... amorous moments."
Even Saber, novice that she was, could guess what the woman spoke of by the flush on her face.
"I didn't hear you complain," Mikael said with narrowed eyes.
"I won't deny it was enjoyable," Medea coughed into her hand as she looked away. "But after the first month, it did get a bit excessive. The only reason it wasn't fatal was because there were thirteen of us to rotate through, and even then, we do get worn out."
"No, you don't," Mikael denied with a furrowed brow. "I made sure everyone was healthy and energized. And, like you said, you could rotate. I could have stayed a Berserker for at least a year without issue. What was the problem?"
"THE PUNS!" Medea finally caved with a wail of despair. "It was the puns! We couldn't stand them. No sex was worth that much pain. Even Robin was sick of them after a month. Half the reason we were so eager was because you'd fuck us unconscious so we wouldn't have to listen to any more puns!"
Altria shared a wide-eyed look with Rin. Both their faces were beet red with mortification.
Archer just sighed again.
"Huh," Mikael gave it some thought before nodding. "Fair enough. I won't be a Berserker anymore."
"Really?" Medea perked up. "Just like that? I thought you were having fun?"
"Well... yeah?" Mikael said as if it should be obvious. "A constant stream of jokes isn't funny. It is only with contrast that you laugh. Timing is key. If being a Berserker throws that off, there is no point in being one. Besides, half the jokes I make are so you all will laugh. I want you to genuinely enjoy my company."
"Awww," Medea said with a smile, leaning down and quickly kissing the man. "Let me guess, the other half of your jokes are for yourself."
"You know me so well," Mikael laughed. "By the way, why are you standing on me? Not that I am opposed, the view is great. You know I like the black set. But you also know I hate being accused of things I didn't do. So why are you angry?"
"You were going to hurt Saber!"
Altria, who had been watching this bizarre show in confusion, suddenly found herself under everyone's eyes.
"No I wasn't," Mikael denied. "I was just going to fight her. She'd be fine."
Saber didn't know whether to feel flattered by the fact this strange Assassin had so much confidence in her or angry that he believed he could fight her without trying to hurt her.
"But she'd get dirty," Medea responded. "I have the studio all set up for Smol Saber. We're starting with a princess theme and everything. Most of the dresses are white. A dirty Saber doesn't work with frills. Gap Moe is tomorrow."
Mikael gave his wife a look of such profound pity that even Medea stepped back in surprise.
"Dear," he sighed in disappointment.
"What?" Medea asked defensively.
"When you're dolls get dirty," Mikael said slowly as if speaking to a child. "You clean them. When someone gets dirty, they take a bath."
As one, the husband and wife looked at Saber.
Altria took a step back in fear.
Medea's hands made a lewd grasping motion.
"I apologize, dear," Medea said, wiping a bit of drool from her lips. "Clearly, I underestimated your genius. I will make it up to you."
Saber ran.
Medea followed, cackling like a lewd witch as she flew after the woman.
"Well," Mikael sighed as he stood up, wiping himself off. "I suppose if I am not getting my fight with Saber, you two will just have to do."
"What is going on," Rin Tohsaka bit out, her brain overloading from so much information and shocking events that she defaulted to Basic Tsundere Programming ™ and was ready to unleash embarrassed fury on the nearest victim.
Unfortunately, she chose a man well-versed in the way of the Dere.
"Glad you asked," Mikael said, pulling a scroll from nowhere.
An honest-to-god scroll.
It unrolled until it reached the ground, then continued down the stairs.
Rin stared at the absurdity.
"This is my forty-two-step plan," Mikael said proudly, holding up the scroll. "I call it Today's Menu: The Only Canon Timeline!"
The perfect strategy for dealing with Common Tsun. Especially the Twin-Tailed Subspecies.
Distract them with madness till they give up.
"I have already accomplished our first three goals," Mikael explained. "We can revisit Saber later. If we want to stay on plan, all we need to do tonight is kidnap a Shoulder Loli, get the Berser-car, and use it to crush an annoying worm. Tomorrow, we will work on financing and spearfishing. I know, just the guys. One owes me a favour for his Gay Clay, and the other has PTSD about one of my wives so bad it is engraved in his Legend. Easy Peazy. We'll have world peace by the end of the week."
Rin started frothing at the mouth.
Archer sighed again.