Set fire to all your maps,

forget how it's always been.

We're explorers of the heart,

learning to dream again.

The adventure of a lifetime,

with love alone as our guide.

Exotic places beyond imagination --

ones we've longed for deep inside.

********

"What do you think, Steve? Am I completely fucked or just a little fucked?"

I sat at the Elden Ring equivalent of a bonfire in a dimly lit cave. The small pile of bark was illuminated by a golden glow in shape similar to the Humanity sprites of the last series. The only other light was the small remnants of my fire. The cave had been well-ventilated enough to allow me to set up a cooking pit for my meal.

"On the one hand, not undead anymore, so; Yay. Being able to eat, sleep, and drink again is great. Fairy feast is proving its weight in gold, buddy, though I imagine you wouldn't care. Wild Talent is also a lifesaver. I've done some survival camping before, but never in such a hostile environment."

After rebirth and discovering my new predicament, it took some time to get out of my funk. After everything Dark Souls had thrown at me, I had honestly thought I was free for one wild, hopeful moment.

Eventually, I set out to explore the area where I had appeared.

I had been on a shrine atop a cliff in the middle of bum-fuck nowhere.

As Elden Ring was a game made by our lord and saviour Miyazaki, I was immediately ambushed by a two-meter-tall spider made out of bodies, limbs, death, and hatred.

The thing had probably come from the massive castle nearby, maybe washed ashore from the ocean.

I will be avoiding that place for a while yet.

"On the other hand, Steve, pain is much more real now. I have always felt it before, but it was a distant thing. Like I was on low-grade painkillers. Now, nothing is muting it. Also, I get hungry and tired and thirsty. Thankfully one of the perks means I don't have to worry about going to the bathroom. Otherwise, I'd be in a shitty situation."

I giggled at the crappy pun.

After killing Jerry, Frankenstein abomination extraordinaire, by the skin of my teeth, I looted its sword and shield. Better equipped, I set off on a further exploration of my new locale.

I then died as the cliff crumbled under me, casting me down into the ocean.

Well played Miyazaki.

The impact of the fall was enough to shatter my new, unenhanced form. I thankfully awoke near my new weapons, the waves washing me to shore in a cave below some sort of grave.

"On the upside again, the scenery is spectacular. I can't remember the last time I enjoyed travelling. I always had to watch for a random undead or something to stab me in the back. The wild animals are a pain," I patted the carcass of one of the wolves that had made this cave their home, "but they are wild. They aren't out to get me in particular. I just looked tasty. It's only fair that I get to eat them in return, though they were a bit gamey."

Climbing out of my grave, I was met with some white-masked fellow. The vibes I was getting from him were shifty as fuck. He was covered in blood, was waiting for me, and knew I was 'maidenless.' (Coincidently, I woke up near a dead maiden, gee I wonder if there's a connection here, Miyazaki!)

I got what information I could and hightailed it out of there.

"Back down we go, Steve. Without a 'maiden' of some sort, I cannot learn how to channel Runes." I could feel the power within me, just out of reach. Over the last month, I had accumulated quite a number, though I lost a good chunk due to dying once. "I also don't know if this is how the game is supposed to start. Will I get that horse? I will need something if I want to finish this within the next century. I'm good, but walking across entire countries, back and forth, will take too much time. I'll see about stealing a horse then."

I explored for a few hours ditching the creepy dude covered in blood, vaguely heading toward the ocean. A ruined building was far in the distance, but I noticed some giant knight guarding it. He didn't look like someone I wanted to tangle with without some good armour and a spell or five.

"Also, on the downside, I need to get to someplace called 'Roundtable?' Very Camelot-sounding place. I'm sure it isn't shady in the least. At least Artoria will get a kick out of it. But she's months away," I paused, trying to gather old memories. "I think. Without my notes, it is hard to tell. Whoever is summoned tomorrow should be able to answer at least that. You'll like them, Steve. They're all gorgeous. Though some of them are real headcases."

I managed to find the ocean, the easy part, but I hadn't found any new information. The occasional wild animal had been my only encounter on my march to the sea.

I had laughed myself silly the first time I saw those sheep roll like Sonic. The ram of the wild herd took the opportunity to ram (ha) me, but I got my revenge.

He was delicious.

"Also, also, on the downside is that massive fuck-off castle nearby. That Varre was a bit of a cunt, but at least he told me about the nearby demi-god. I don't know about you, Steve, but someone called the 'Grafted' sounds like the type of person to make a spider out of human limbs and suffering. Not going anywhere near that place for a while. I'm immortal, but dying still hurts, and I do not want to be one of the ingredients in a spider hot pot."

Unfortunately, my journey along the coast ended with my second death.

Maybe Miyazaki got infected with the tentacle bug that seemed to infect everyone in Japan. Perhaps it was a Bloodborne holdover. There was no other reason for something like that Land Octopus to exist.

I killed a dozen little ones, and one of the larger forms before the tentacles of two more big ones got me.

I felt like a Japanese schoolgirl for a bit.

Thankfully they killed me pretty quickly.

I had never been so happy to die.

"Also, on the downside, cubed." I blinked, realizing what I had just said and apologized. "I'm sorry, Steve, that was a math joke you couldn't get. Like everything else here, you originally were only two-dimensional. Can you forgive my insensitivity? You can? Great!" I giggled to myself a little but continued to vent.

"Anyway, and this is the real kick in the pants here. What can I trust now? If I had been summoned to Demons' Souls or Bloodborne, I could see it as a continuation of the 'Soulsborne' option I chose. But Elden Ring hadn't even been released yet. So that leads to some questions; Will I ever be free? Do I need to fulfill some sort of requirement? Or will I go through Fromsoft games, even those released far in the future, until the end of time?"

I thankfully respawned at the site of Grace. I had been worried about being mortal for a moment. I also still had my weapons and what clothes I had scrounged up.

Unfortunately, the last site of Grace had been outside the grave I had washed up at. Varre was absent, but I decided to avoid the beaches for a while.

Instead, I set off northwards. I continued avoiding that big guy on a horse because fuck that noise.

I found my way to the cliffside after a few days of travel and found a grove and this cave nearby. I then killed the wolves that called it home and found Steve.

Besides being my new best friend and a great listener, I didn't quite know what Steve was, but I suspected he had been sapient.

He had wielded a weapon for one and wore clothes, which was an indication of civilization. On the other hand, he looked like someone partially skinned a hyena and forced it to walk on two legs.

I'll just call him a beastman for now.

Of more interest was the cave itself. While littered with animal and man bones, it also bore signs of more recent habitation. There were bodies of soldiers, still clad in their armour and relatively fresh. Barrels and boxes of supplies were present, as were the smouldering remnants of fires.

From what I could piece together, these guys were soldiers of one of the Demi-gods. They all wore the same uniform, and the heraldry was still intact, so they weren't deserters.

The soldiers had been using this cave system as a base. Maybe as a resupply station, maybe to spy on the castle if they were a foreign force. Then Steve came along with his wolf pack and killed everyone, ate a few soldiers, and then I wandered in and did the same to them.

A real dog-eat-dog world.

Puns asside, this had some implicaitons.

First of all, a standardized uniform and heraldry were signs of civilization and sanity. You couldn't take care of your arms and armour if you were mad.

This meant there was organization, coordination, and oversight.

This, in turn, meant extensive resources, supply lines and infrastructure. All good things for the health of a country.

The problem was that one of my most significant advantages during my time in Dark Souls had been that I kept my sanity, and others did not.

Hollows moved by instinct and habit, which I could exploit. I couldn't count on my enemies here doing the same. Unless I was willing to suborn myself to a higher power, which I wasn't, I would be opposing an entire country mobilized for war by myself.

From what I remembered of the trailers of Elden Ring, I would be facing numerous countries too.

There were multiple Demi-god children, and I should count on each having a faction to help them become Elden Lord. Either that, or they were so badass that they didn't need a faction to be a viable threat to the others.

"You know Steve," I asked rhetorically. "I think I am wholly fucked after all. But let's break it down to a problem I can solve first. Let's try and find this Roundtable Hold. Maybe someone there can teach me how to turn these Runes into strength. That a good first step?" Silence. "Thanks, I thought so too. Good talking to you, Steve. This has been the best conversation I've had in weeks. I'm going to hit the hay. 'Night."

I lay on the bed mat covered in a mound of wolf furs that was my bed for the evening. With a roof over my head, traps at the entrance, and a warm fire beside me, this was the most relaxed I'd been since coming to the Lands Between.

I was offloading my problems on Tomorrow Me, but he could handle it. I trusted him.

Not like Past Me. That guy always screwed me over.

I fell asleep pretty quickly, all things considered. I had a lot of Z time saved, after all. My weapon and armour were close at hand, but I wasn't worried about an ambush due to the defences I put up. My only source of disquiet was that Steve wouldn't stop staring.

Even that didn't keep me up too long, and I eventually entered Morpheus' arms under the vacant stare of the dead beastman.

********

Melina sighed to herself as she watched the tarnished converse with the air.

"All I know is that something called the Elden Ring was broken, which led to a war for its remnants or some such." The man paused as if listening to the other side of a conversation. After a few seconds, he continued. "I don't know if it's an actual ring, a location, a person, or some sort of great Rune. That's the soul equivalent here, by the way. Runes. Everybody has them, and everybody wants them. Only I can't use them as power. I'm apparently 'maidenless' or something."

She had remained astralized with Torrent for the last month, content to evaluate this new arrival to Lands Between before committing to an accord.

Torrent was very favourable to the man, but Melina would rather have some assurance that the tarnished was capable at the least.

"Ha. Ha. Ha." The warrior deadpanned. "Your lips aren't moving, but I can tell when you're laughing, Raven. I can appreciate the irony, yes. An ocean of women around me but nothing to drink. Attractive women throw themselves at my feet, but I am eternally maidenless. Feel free to tell the others. Yoruichi will get a kick out of it if no one else does."

He had seemed so promisingly too.

A capable warrior and one of good discernment if his treatment of Varre was anything to go off of.

The following weeks also showed favourable results.

Though he headed not to Stormveil, he demonstrated good woodcraft knowledge. Too often, soldiers and fighters could only function when they did not have a host of followers to help them with the lesser tasks. His self-sufficiency was laudable.

Even his recent death to the land octopi was not a demerit in Melina's eyes. They were odd creatures only found on the shores of the Lands Between. The tarnished's quick recuperation from his murder was more impressive than anything else.

"Anyway, back to the problem at hand. I have no idea how long this is going to take. You could all be on the Island for months if not years. Elden Ring was supposed to be their largest game ever and, from what I remember of the trailers, take place over countries. It is essentially about various demi-god kings throwing their forces at each other to see who can be the new god." Melina's prospective champion summarized the current situation succinctly, if a bit simply.

But as the weeks progressed, the man's idiosyncrasies started to be more and more apparent.

He was lonely. That was plain.

He alleviated his loneliness with songs sometimes. (Melina would never admit to falling from Torrent's spectral back in awe the first time she heard him sing) But sometimes, the man would talk to himself. That wasn't an issue, per se, but the topics were worrisome.

"I'll need a mount for sure, just due to the distances. Thankfully, I have some horse experience, and Wild Talent should cover the rest. Of more concern is the lack of knowledge. I could only finish the other games so quickly because I generally knew what to do and where to go. Even if the world was bigger than expected, I knew which steps to take. I'm flying blind here. My best guess is to walk up to the foot of the giant golden tree and proclaim myself God-king."

The tarnished used terms such as 2-dee, level-design, NPC, and others that Melina did not recognize, though some she could intuit. The tarnished kept referring to the Lands Between as a game of some sort.

All tarnished were a bit off, but this one seemed even more touched in the head than most.

More concerning was his religious beliefs.

Melina had never heard of a Deity called 'Miyazaki,' but it must be a vengeful and terrible one judging by the man's cursing.

"The castle, Stormveil, I heard it called, might be an excellent first stop for information, if nothing else. The only problem is the well-armed and coordinated army in a fortified position between me and it. I would take those odds with a good weapon, some planning, my spells and pyromancies, and some good old-fashioned sabotage. But I can't get any stronger without a 'maiden' or until someone teaches me how to channel these Runes into power."

The tarnished's odd behaviour reached a tipping point last night. His fighting ability was undiminished as he slew the pack of wolves and the Azula Beastman that led them. But then he spent hours talking to the corpse, calling it Steve (what a peculiar name) and acting as if it responded.

It was a testament to Melina's desperation that she did not abandon the tarnished right then.

"I'm going to keep bumming around this area for a bit, maybe do my best bandit impersonation while I try and gather some information. A map, if nothing else. I really do not want to fuck myself over by doing something stupid when I don't know up from down. I'm sure I can find a military outpost or camp nearby. These guys had to come from somewhere, and I might be able to use their uniform to sneak in by posing as a lone survivor."

This morning Melina was almost ready to abandon the man altogether, Torrent's recommendation be damned, when he started talking to thin air.

Only two things stayed on her feet.

First of all, Torrent refused to leave. No matter how the kindling maiden prodded or cajoled him, he would not leave this tarnished's side.

You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.

The second reason was that Melina was really that desperate.

She had been waiting centuries while Queen Marika's children vied for the Elden Ring for a tarnished worthy of becoming Elden Lord. She had considered throwing in her lot with the Deathbed Companion, Sir Gedeon, the Ever Brilliant Goldmask or other strong candidates.

But those tarnished did not need her. They had their own factions and backing, their own maidens. All Melina could offer was a simple service of channelling Runes and Torrent's whistle.

So the woman was stuck with this madman.

Where else would she find a tarnished still blessed by Grace, who lacked a Maiden and wasn't part of any existing faction?

So Melina stuck around, watching the crazy tarnished talk to his imaginary friend for hours. At one point, they left the cave system, and the woman followed as he pointed out the Erd Tree, the nearby grove, and Stormveil, barely visible in the distance.

She barely paid half a mind to his mad ramblings about an island, other women, and seals of some sort.

"And this is Steve," the tarnished said grandly, gesturing to the fly-ridden corpse of the beastman. "I'm sure there are many more like him, but this one is mine. He is my oldest friend. We go way back. It seems like only yesterday we first met." He paused again, listing to the fictitious woman. "I have no idea. I was hoping one of you ladies could tell me. Maybe have Tsunade do an autopsy or something. I have another bag of goodies too." He gestured to a crude sack made from animal hide filled with odds and ends he had found. "Some examples of the local flora and fauna. Some odd items I found in this cave that the soldiers had in supply. Whatever you can tell me about them would be good."

Melina was ready to tune the one-sided conversation out again when the tarnished got a surprised look on his face.

For a moment, he looked lost and confused, then focused.

As if presented with an unexpected question, he sat for a moment in serious contemplation.

"I suppose I am in a good mood," he said. He sounded surprised, though he smiled. "I guess I am just excited, is all." Whatever his imaginary companion said next took some levity out of his face. "I will never stop! Not till I'm free!" He suddenly snarled in anger.

Despite being immaterial and invisible, Melina stepped away from the sudden show of rage. It was only for a moment, then the tarnished calmed again.

"Sorry, Raven," he sounded sorry but at the same time defiant. "You just pushed a raw button there. For a moment, I thought I was free. I had killed the Soul of Cinder, and I was alive. I thought I had achieved my dream. That I could put all the bad times behind me. Then I saw the tree, and it came crashing down again." He listened for a long moment, almost an entire minute, before speaking again.

"I am happy because this is the first time I can look forward to an adventure. Don't get me wrong, I am sure it will suck a good portion of the time. I have no idea where to go. I'm facing down against multiple countries and gods. I also have no guarantee that I will ever get stronger than I am now. Despite all that, I am excited."

The tarnished stared up at the Erdtree, his face set in a wide, half-mad smile.

"Dark Souls was a duty I had to fulfill. I learned a lot and made some excellent memories, even if they were few and far between, but I never looked forward to anything beyond getting it over with. That's because I knew everything that was standing between my Freedom and me. I had done it all before, even if it was only a game. There was nothing new. Now, I look at the horizon and have no clue what lies beyond it. This new journey could take me another fifty years, or even a hundred, but it is just that. New. My Freedom is important, but it was always meant to be a tool to facilitate adventure."

There was a moment of silence before the tarnished smile turned whistful and sardonic.

"Besides, if I know Miyazaki, I'll be facing down six poisonous swamps, abominations from beyond time and space, crippling heartbreak, and more deaths than a World War. I'm sure I'll be thrown against the biggest badasses in this world too. I can't guarantee a happy ending for anyone, not even myself. That's exciting in its own way, isn't it? If I remember correctly, Artoria once told me I had achieved the Throne of Heroes thrice over. I never felt like it. I was going through the motions. With the Talents and a guarantee of never going hollow? Given enough time, I literally could never fail. Now? One man against armies, countries, demi-gods, gods, and who knows what else? No guarantee of success? That sounds like a Legend worth telling."

Melina felt something at his words.

This tarnished was clearly deluded, mad, and more than a little crazy. But...

For that instant, she believed she was standing in front of someone worthy of the title of Lord.

Then he tossed the beastman carcass and the full sack into the air for no reason.

They both disappeared as if passing through an invisible door.

For a moment, the kindling maiden stood there blinking in disbelief before Torrent bumped his head against her shoulder.

She turned to the spectral steed and whispered to her companion furiously. Her face was flushed in embarrassment though she was still imperceivable to the tarnished's eyes.

"So he is not completely mad. That doesn't mean you are right!"

********

"Greetings. Traveller from beyond the fog. I am Melina. I offer you an accord."

"Jesus!" The tarnished jumped from his seat beside the site of Grace in surprise at her appearance. He had taken refuge for the night in the camp of Godrick's soldiers after slaying all who had inhabited it. She chose, in a moment of whimsy, to appear behind him. "Where did you come from, lady?"

"Forgive me. I've been...following you. To see whether or not Grace truly does guide you." Among other things. She had prepared this script ages ago and wouldn't let this half-mad tarnished ruin it. "And...whether you are fit to face the challenge that entails. It seems my worries were unfounded."

"You've been following me?" He asked slowly. "For how long?"

"Since finding you washed up in the caves under the hero's grave."

"So you've been following me for three months? And you've seen everything?" He clearly looked amused at the idea.

Melina flushed.

"Yes! And you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The tarnished laughed at her embarrassment.

That set the tone for their decades-long relationship.

********

When I reflect on my time in the Lands Between, with all its wonder and the heartbreak, I can separate it into four broad periods.

While the later parts were tinged by the tragedies I had come to expect in Fromsoft games, I remember that first decade as some of the happiest times of my life.

I mostly stuck around Limgrave and the Weeping Peninsula, avoiding Stormveil and its Demi-god.

Torrent was a godsend and a half. He was the best boi, hands down. (He was, yes, he was. Robin agreed. She was so jealous when they met and couldn't pet him.) A horse as immortal as myself was necessary when Limgrave alone was the size of Germany.

Melina told me other countries and challenges existed between the Erdtree and me, but I put that terrible thought aside to enjoy the adventure.

As expected of Fromsoft, the Lands Between was full of interesting characters.

**

"A pleasure to meet thee, Tarnished. I am the witch Renna. I'd heard tell of a Tarnished hurtling about atop a spectral steed. And upon looking into the matter, the talk, I surmise, is of thee. Thou'rt possessed of the power, no? To call forth the spectral steed named Torrent." The blue, four-armed, doll-like woman asked.

"I shall tolerate no insult, though you be a fair maiden," I said in my most pompous, medieval-age knight voice. "You shall address him by his full title. He is Torrent, First of His Name! Goodest of Bois! Steed of the Spectral Step! Mount of the Third Elden Lord!"

"That is..." the woman with two faces blinked at me in disbelief, "quite a claim."

"Eh," I shrugged in my normal voice. "We're workshopping it. Torrent wanted to add 'The Holiest of Hornies,' but I talked him down. Not only does he not understand the implication, but three titles are the most I can give without it being too cumbersome. Wouldn't want to come off as arrogant, ya know?"

She giggled behind one of her four hands.

Melina facepalmed.

**

"Boc the Seamster, at your service. Ready to make adjustments to your garments." The short, monkey-like creature in a roughspun tunic and hat said.

"You mean you can patch up all these holes, make things fit and make underwear!?" I couldn't help but shout in happy surprise, hugging the little creature. I knew the basics of sewing and tailoring, more than the average person, but I hated doing it passionately. "You are now my bro! Never leave me!"

Melina facepalmed.

**

"I thank you for killing that Tree Sentinal. He was terrible for business. I am Kale, a nomadic merchant. You are a Tarnished. I can see it. And I can also see that you're not after my throat. Then why not purchase a little something?"

He looked like a scarecrow Santa.

That wasn't important.

What was important was the odd instrument in his hands and the song he was playing. I would know that theme anywhere.

"I ham strung his horse then stabbed him through the eye holes when he fell. More importantly, I'll give you all the Runes he had if you can get me one of those instruments and teach me how to play. Singing can only get one so far."

I didn't need to see her to know Melina perked up at the idea.

**

"Well, you are a piece of work. Very well. You are now my protégé in glintstone sorcery. But I refuse to coddle. Or cast kind words. Never.

Anticipate grievances, young apprentice."

"Help me, Sellen-sensei," I said, bowing formally. "You're my only hope."

"My apprentice, what does sensei mean?"

Melina facepalmed.

**

"I can cross space and time, live for tens of thousands of years, and see the end of the world, but I will never escape you, can I?" I asked the man rhetorically, a fondness in my voice.

"Have we met?" The newest iteration of Patches asked me as he tried to impale me through the chest with his spear.

**

"Who goes there? Kalé sent you, did he? Ever the bloody busybody. Hmm. Maybe to him, you don't seem so strange. The name's Blaidd." The man-wolf in cool armour said after jumping from the top of a ruined building. "I'm looking for a man who goes by "Darriwil." He fled somewhere nearby. Or so I've heard. Come tell me if you find him before I do. I can offer you ample reward. Darriwil is nothing but a traitor. And in need of a fitting end to his tale."

"I will help you on your quest Blaidd," I responded seriously as I looked at his cape in envy. "Traitors are scum and villains, no matter their intent. I would ask only one thing of you in return."

"I must not be derelict in my quest, but if you aid me, I can aid you in yours. What is your desire?"

"We must become the Bestest of Bros."

Melina facepalmed.

**

"Once again, the pleasure is mine. I am the warrior jar known as Alexander. Iron Fist Alexander, in fact. I journey to the east, where I intend to further my education in the ways of war. Beyond these lands lie the scarlet rot-blighted Caelid Wilds. And upon their southern edge is Redmane Castle, in which a festival of combat is to be held. I'd heard whispers of such festivities before... Doesn't the notion set your breast aflutter!"

"It certainly does, my jar-shaped friend," I said, staring up at the two-meter-tall walking jar with arms. I was getting major Siegmeyer vibes from the guy. Onion Knights were always top of my list of 'good people.' "Though I admit, your existence does put me in something of a quandary."

"Though I am bound eastward, the festival is not to be held for years hence. My calculations predict plenty of time. How may I be of assistance, my fellow warrior?"

"It is nothing too serious. I am just posing the eternal question. Something all men must ask themselves at least once in their life. Is Jar-buddy or Wolf-buddy more 'Bro.'"

Melina facepalmed.

**

Of course, the Roundtable Hold was as full of shifty characters as I expected. I stayed clear of it until I could have Emma come in and verify a few things for me.

**

"The blind priest is precisely as he appears. He worships the Golden Order and would be against any who go against it." Emma reported. It was six months or so since I had appeared in the Lands Between, and I had kept my distance from Roundtable till now. Though nobody could see or hear her, I let loose my control over my thoughts to communicate with her mentally. We were resting in one of the corners of the Hold. "Diallos and D aren't hiding anything either. One wants to find his missing servant and prove himself, and the other hunts 'those who live in death.' The girl, Roderika, is also as simple as she appears. A girl who is over her head lost all her companions."

"At least some people are straightforward, though that probably means they are doomed." I 'said' mentally. Didn't want to seem crazy, did I? "What about the rest?"

"They all have some angle to play here." Emma perked up when I asked her for help with this task. I was starting to wonder if she got off on the voyeuristic aspects of her power. What am I thinking? Of course, she did. "The woman, Fia, serves the Demi-god whose death kicked all this off. Godwyn, Prince of Death, she calls him in her mind. They lead 'those who live in death.'"

"Is he undead or something else?" Emma was incredibly useful, the only one who could play a significant part in helping me while still bound to the Island.

She had also betrayed me, so I kept her at arm's length and made doubly sure my Command Spells were used as soon as she was summoned.

"From what I gathered, only his spirit was killed in the 'Night of Black Knives.' His body still lives and spreads its influence through a root network. Fia seeks a 'Cursemark of Death' to create a Great Rune. She doesn't care who Elden Lord is so long as they use that Rune to repair the Elden Ring. Her blessing is valid; it strengthens the receiver and sucks some of their vitality as payment. Also, a shadow of anyone who accepts it can be called by her to fight."

"I'll put her faction in the maybe pile. If they don't care if I become Elden Lord instead of Godwyn, then we might be able to work together. I'm just iffy about being undead again if that's what it takes."

A big part of why I was taking my time in Elden Ring so far was that I was no longer undead. Sure, I came back to life when I died, but it was completely different than being hollow or unkindled ash.

"Next, we have Gideon Ofnir, the All-Knowing. He is the trickiest opponent here. I would rate him as a Sebastion Shaw-type character, only more cautious," Emma said seriously. "His title isn't just for show. He has a wealth of knowledge in his head, which we can go over later, and he has spies everywhere. His backup plans have backup plans. He has very few overt supporters, that silent fellow that follows him and his adopted daughter, but an almost endless supply of hidden resources to draw upon. Unless something changes, you can count on him to help you along the journey if you can prove yourself useful. He will never allow another tarnished to be Elden Lord. Like all his faction, he will use you until it is time to discard you."

"So the sudden and inevitable betrayal will be sudden and inevitable. Got it. I'll need to keep him around for you to probe. What of the blacksmith chained to the wall?"

"Hewg is..." the mutant bit her lip in consideration for her words. I noted her lipstick was a rather excellent shade of ice blue that complimented her eyes and pale skin. "His mind is not entirely his own. Marika, the goddess of this world, has compelled him to create a god-slaying weapon. Even if I could actually work with the minds there rather than just observe, I wouldn't be able to free him from her influence. It is so deeply ingrained into his being that he lives and breathes that purpose. He doesn't care who wins or losses this war so long as he makes that weapon."

"So either Marika the Eternal has a death wish, or deeper currents exist here. Other gods, perhaps?" I asked myself thoughtfully.

"Probably," Emma nodded. "Not even the stupidest villains make a weapon designed to kill them. It's a safe bet that other gods prowl the land, and Marika shattered the Elden Ring either to keep it out of their hands or for a similar purpose. But Hewg isn't the only mind here tampered with."

I sent over a mental inquiry, urging her to explain.

"Beyond the main door lies one of the Two-Fingers." Emma pointed toward the other side of the Hold. "Gideon knew that, but I can also tell you there is a Finger Maiden with them. Her mind is... twisted. Warped. It's like someone took a copy-paste of a mind, one already bent in an alien direction and slapped it into a new body. The Two Fingers themselves are completely alien. Not inhuman, just something that operates on a different level. I can feel a mind there, but it is beyond my comprehension."

"Shit!" I swore mentally. Only my effort to be subtle stopped me from getting up and pacing. "I guess this world is closer to Bloodborne than I hoped. The way you described it, they sound very GOO-ish." At the White Queen's uncomprehending look, I explained. "Great Old One. Cthulhu mythos-type stuff. Beings greater than human comprehension twist people into madness with their mere presence."

"Whatever they are, it might be why Marika wanted a weapon that could kill gods."

**

I also made some wise decisions during that time.

**

"Would you mind taking a letter to my father at the castle? My sole wish is that he escapes, even if his honour should be the price. Please... I just want him to be safe..."

"You want me to deliver a letter," I asked incredulously at the blind woman sitting in a field of corpses. "While you sit here? In the open? With no one to protect you? From those who you just admitted tried to kill you?"

Irina blushed in shame.

I could recognize a Soulsborne tragedy in the making when I saw one.

I wasn't stupid.

"You can stay at Roundtable Hold while I go knock some sense into your father," I said with finality. I then ignored her protests and squirming when I put her on Torrent.

I had always wanted to kidnap some damsel in distress.

Maybe laughing malevolently while doing it was a touch too much.

Melina facepalmed.

**

"Ah, yes. I've been meaning to ask. Would you like to enter my service? I see bright things in your future, stout warrior. Enter into my service and learn the workings of the Erdtree's true Order. And who knows, perhaps some time down the line, the Grace of gold will return to those Tarnished eyes of yours. What say you? A fine accord, is it not?"

Kenneth, the noble whose castle I just liberated, asked pompously. He was straight out of Shakespeare.

I didn't need Melina appearing behind the man, frantically gesturing in the negative to refuse.

Though her efforts were appreciated.

I later asked her why she was so set against it.

"I care not how thy journey leads, so long as it leads to the foot of the Erdtree, such is our accord," she said seriously. "But if I had to put up with that windbag for one more moment, I would have slain him myself."

**

Of course, it wasn't all wacky side characters, deep plots, and good times.

I died more than my fair share of horrific deaths.

**

"Your telling me a dragon uses that shallow lake as a hunting ground?" I asked Yura. "And some of the tarnished worship it?"

"It's as fearsome as it is majestic. So, unless you're mad, or wish to be burned alive... Stay clear of the lake," he warned.

Unfortunately, I was indeed mad.

"LEEEERRRRROOOYYYYY JEEEEEEENNNNKIIIINNNNNSSSSS!" I shouted my warcry as I charged through the flames.

I died twelve times to the thing before I got fed up and rode off on Torrent.

I would be back for that bastard.

As soon as I found a way to attack an airborne dragon that didn't involve arrows harmlessly bouncing off its scales.

I either needed a proper bow and enchanted arrows or some spells.

I never thought I would miss the drakes of dark souls.

**

"Blarg," I coughed up blood.

The ballista bolt pinning me to the cliff through my torso did not make it easy.

I missed it when my enemies did not take defensive positions and fortify them.

Who knew putting ranged defences on critical locations such as bridges could prove so effective in stopping would-be travellers or invaders?

Oh, wait, anyone with common sense knew that.

I missed it when I was the only armed man in a battle of wits.

**

"Run, Torrent," I urged the best boi on.

They were gaining on us.

"Rarrr," the bear, the size of a house, roared from right behind us.

Torrent neighed in fear.

So quickly were we rushing through the forest that we didn't notice the other furry monster the size of an eighteen-wheeler side-swipe us as we passed by. We fell in a bloody and mangled tangle of flesh, Torrent astralizing as soon as I was off.

The bears ate well that night.

I hate those fucking things!

**

"Oh, come on!" I complained to no one as the knight, armoured like a tank, grew spectral draconic wings. "That's so unfair."

A small part of me couldn't help but think these gaols were a bit dangerous.

A much more significant part of me was thinking about how to learn that spell.

It was good that I had something to occupy my mind, as the pain of a bisection was not something I liked to ponder.

**

And then there was Caelid.

**

"Why Miyasaki?" I yelled in anger as I ran through the cave. "Why are teleporting traps a thing?"

The insect people inundated the hallway with their arrow-like projectiles. The diggers tried to impale me with their magic drills.

I nearly cried when I repeatedly respawned in the ramshackle house in the mine and died over six more times.

I had to sneak my way out of the cave.

Then I saw the crimson skies and demon bird/dog/t-rex monstrosities. I smelled the foul air, felt my flesh melting from the red pus, and saw the poisonous swamp in the distance.

I returned to the cave.

**

We don't talk about Caelid!

Apart from a few particularly blighted memories, I can confidently say that my first decade in Elden Ring was some of the best times I've had in my centuries of life.

There were three reasons why so;

At its most basic, it was a time when my worries were low.

Unlike games I was familiar with, there was nothing extra I could be doing that I knew about. I could forget about the Island, and its prisoners, for a time.

Never wholly, the foreign influence in my mind ensured that, but they ceased to be in my every waking thought. I stopped feeling like a prisoner and could just be Mikael.

The second reason was that I was on a new adventure, never knowing what was to come or where to go. It was exciting in a way that was new to me.

Thirdly and most importantly, I was never alone.

Torrent and Melina were with me the entire time.