“Last I remember, you were planning to take three hours to explain the five minutes of information regarding what the hell is up with my pockets. Hit me up, flat-leaf.”

“I always seem to forget that your non-drumming attention span isn’t longer than that. I’ll endeavor to be brief so as to keep it comprehensible to the more limited minds in the audience."

“Dude, you’re a vegetable.”

“And you’re a monkey, barely smarter than the ones you just clobbered. What’s your point, simian?”

“Can we get on with the pockets, or are you too busy with your vegetable-supremacist crap?"

"Right. Quickly. Space, like everything else in this dimension, is a thaumic energy construct. It has no constancy, but with the proper infusion of correctly structured thaumaturgy, it is as flexible as chewing gum or taffy."

“So, like relativity?"

“God save us from hairless apes misunderstanding Dr. Einstein’s great work. That name he chose was the worst one possible. In all of human history, it’s exceeded in being misunderstood only by the use of the word “observer” in your theory of quantum mechanics."

“Einstein was a human too, man."

“That does not excuse the rest of you watery-brained mammals for misusing his elegant theory. The simplest version of Einstein’s special relativity is that all events have between them a distance that is constant between all observers. Some idiot observers, trapped in 3 dimensions like certain featherless bipeds, see the length, width, breadth, and time elapsed between the events as four separate items, rather than the one it actually is. Because they’re mathematically incompetent, they think that fact makes things “relative”. General relativity makes the situation more complex by adding gravity and acceleration, but reality remains no more relative than without those factors."

“That sounds bad. And Quantum is worse?”

“Don’t get me started. Quantum mechanics is based on a simple theory. Measurement of small things is like throwing one ball at another. If you throw a ball, and bounce it off another ball, it changes the position and speed of the other ball. Also, there's stuff you just couldn't find out because of minimum ball size rules in your recently recycled dimension. The solution: you should stop talking as if you knew a lot about the ball that got hit, and just talk about the thrown ball. In science, discuss the measurements, not the theoretical underlying particles.

This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.

"The idiots explaining QM at the beginning had the great misfortune of calling the thrown ball an observer. And 98.713% of all words written about QM since then have been mathematics-immune auteurs discussing the effect of consciousness on subatomic particles. I believe your drumming vernacular would call those writers, “Fucking morons.”

“Seems like a big deal."

“It was in the second world. Everyone not using the stuff was confused. But that’s not how this universe is constructed. Here, space is a thaumic energy construct, and we didn’t need to code that hack."

“What about time?"

“Yes, of course, timespace is one fabric, even though they’re expressed differently. How else would we have managed to take all the humans who were transitioning to this dimension and let them all arrive at the main world at the same time, despite a full month of variance in when they entered?"

“Waitwut? No. Nevermind. Ok, professor plant, what’s all that got to do with my pockets?”

“Because space is a thaumic energy construct, external and internal dimensions are not tightly coupled in the same way that they are in your world. Normally, the sizes are the same, but with diastimancy, they’re adjustable."

“Dee who-a Nancy?”

“Diastima- is the greek prefix for interval or space, like chrono- for time. Diastimancy is the Thaumaturgy for space”

“So I’ve got Distended pockets? Sounds like a disease”

“Yes, Kevin, you have Diastimanced pockets. Also, there’s a bit of Elximancy so that when you’re thinking of your batons, and reach into your pocket, you find them available.”

“So, what fits in the pockets? Are they adjustable? Can I put my drums in, so they’re portable? What if I change pants?"

“The pockets have actually been anchored to your core, not to the pants. You could strip naked, and the pockets would still be there, though they’re a bit harder to find, when there’s not an obvious location. They each hold about 6 cubic feet of space, in a space that's roughly cylindrical, one by one by six. But, you can only put stuff in that fits in the pockets, so, say something that’s no more than about as wide around as your fist."

“As to expansions; yes. You can grow your pockets so your drums fit. To expand both carrying capacity and the two dimensional size of the hole, though, will cost 2 O-Thaums."

“Dude, I need my drums to come with me. And I only have 2 weeks. How do I get more thaums?”

“I hear that there are extra monkeys in the forest for those who both have the strength to fight them, and the need for extra resources.”

“Monkey hunting, here we come!”