As we enter the haunted mansion, a headless usher in a butler uniform greets us. His head is on a platter in his hand and that's what greets us.
Butler: “Welcome sir. I inform you that the haunted portion of the mansion is reserved for adults only. I will check your children for you and you may retrieve them if you return.”
Gabe: “If you return. Why does that fill me with a sense of foreboding?”
The butler opens a door to the right of the entryway, and inside is a brightly lit, cheerful room full of rainbows, clouds, unicorns, and laughter.
Butler: “This way, madam princess, sir frog.”
Gabe: “But Lucia is… I realize that I have no idea if Lucia is an adult or not. Or a madam. So I can't really object.”
The door closes.
The man on the platter grins.
Butler: “Now for you sir, an experience that will fill your nightmares forever. And you were correct. ‘If you return’ is quite foreboding. It is very possible you will die from fright before returning here.”
The headless figure turns and opens the door on the left side of the entryway, then turns back to me.
Butler: “This way, sir.”
The headless figure bows and the head continues to watch me as I enter the dark corridor. Behind me, the door slams shut, and I’m alone in the darkness.
---
I'm not into haunted houses. I don't watch scary movies, and I don't like scary things. The only reason I'm doing this right now is because I have to somehow get through this to finish the adventure crystal. But that doesn't mean I have to just sit back… right? I activate “Peace” and my body parts (and the two massively weighted pumpkin candy buckets in my hands) begin to glow.
I walk forward a little bit, and enter a large, long hall. The alcoves are filled with spider webs, floors with jagged cracks to make people trip, piles of bones on the floor, a weird altar with some candles on it, and at one point a shallow pool of thick, sticky liquid. At the end of the room is another dark hallway.
I make my way through, jumping at every sound and trying to figure out the best way to not be scared. I don't have another person. Maybe…
I get to the hallway and try dumping all the candy from one bucket into the other. It takes over a minute, but eventually I have just one bucket of candy… that weighs almost 100 pounds… and one empty one. I pick up the empty bucket, move the handle, flip it upside down, and put it on top of my head. It covers my head and slides down to rest on my shoulders. And the world goes weird.
It's as I expected. Since the bucket is a deformed spatial artifact, that means that sounds and light will also go through deformation, if they enter it at all. The groans and screams that before were terrifying now sound like little chipmunk noises. And I can’t see anything, so I can’t be afraid of something I see. I curl my hands into fists around the second bucket and carry it in front of me. If I run into something, the bucket will hit it first, which keeps me from feeling weird textures or stuff like that. The plastic bucket on my head gives off a soothing light and I walk.
I walk down the hallway for what feels like forever. I trip a couple times until I get smart and decide to change the way I walk - testing with each step instead of just blindly walking forward. A couple times something grabs my arm or touches me and says something, but I ignore it. A couple times I walk through liquids - some warm, some cold - and sometimes the floor is sticky or hot or covered in things. A bunch of times I run into things. I try going right, or left, to sidestep. Either way, I just keep walking.
After an eternity, I run into another something with the bucket. But this time, when I turn to the right and the left, in both directions there is a wall. I take the bucket off my head and look forward. Right in front of me - inches from my face - is the headless butler’s head.
I yell.
Butler: “Welcome back, sir. It looks like you unfortunately survived the haunted mansion. The mansion actors will score your terror and you will receive a prize, then I will escort you to the costume party. While you are waiting you may retrieve your children from the kitchen as they no longer qualify to be made into desserts.”
While speaking, his body opens the door, which leads back into the main entry hall. Actually, it's the same door I went in the haunted area? But… how? I’m 100% sure that I went in a straight path (well, I did bump into the walls and other stuff sometimes since I couldn’t see where I was going, but I'm sure it was mostly straight) for over an hour.
The butler opens the right door and claps his hands. A unicorn standing by the door removes his head, bows, and speaks.
Headless unicorn: “He survived? And that princess looked so tasty… what a tragedy! I'll go get her.”
Butler: “And the frog.”
A few moments pass, and Grace and Lucia are back in the main room. While waiting for them, I poured the candy back into two buckets to even out the weight on my arms. My arms are killing me. At least the handles on these buckets are magical in some way. Carrying this much weight in a normal plastic bucket would break the handles, or make them dig into my skin something awful.
Grace: “Gabe! Gabe! Gabe! I got to fly on a unicorn with wings! And they had all sorts of magical food to eat, and there were angels and cute furry creatures, and a huge gray round animal with a white furry belly who went woooooooooooooooo and he was so soft…”
Sounds like she at least had fun.
I turn to find the headless butler, who is speaking to a zombie. The head turns to me.
Butler: “It looks like you went through the entire haunted area of the mansion wearing an inverted pumpkin in the place of a head. Is that correct?”
Gabe: “Um… yeah? I guess.”
Butler: “Did you not take a candle? Shortly after you walked in… they were impossible to miss.”
A candle? Why on earth would I take a candle?
Oh.
Yeah.
The place was totally dark. There was that altar with candles. Maybe they expected people to take one so they had light to go by.
Gabe: “I didn't even think to take a candle.”
Butler: “Well, your performance terrified the staff members assigned to that wing of the mansion. I'm afraid we will have to shut down the haunted section indefinitely. Staff members said they heard scuffling in the darkness, and, instead of a person carrying a candle, saw a floating, glowing pumpkin head that made ghastly deep breathing sounds. One said they attempted to communicate with you and you gave no response at all?”
Gabe: “Well, yeah… I just wanted to get it over with. So I just ignored everything.”
Butler: “In that case the scale I have been given is inadequate. A grade is available for those with little fear, and S grade for those with no fear. But for those who naturally inspire fear in others, I am forced to give an X grade for terror. Your prize awaits in the room beyond the door. After receiving it, you may enter the contest.”
The door opens on its own, and Grace, Lucia, and I go through and it closes behind us.
Inside, there is a small changing room with a set of clothing hanging on a hanger. Finally, I get some costume love!
There’s a set of fighting pants, a killer headband, a black belt, and foot and hand wraps that seem like they were fitted for me perfectly. But just as I finish taking off my clothes, a message appears.
[Please close your eyes.]
Huh?
Suddenly the room fills with smoke, or powder, or mist, and I start coughing. I close my eyes. My face and the exposed skin on my upper body start to feel sort of tingly. A sound goes off, and a voice says “You may open your eyes and exit the booth now.”
I open my eyes, and look in the mirror.
I just turned into a ninja.
What?
I'm guessing that “ninja” was the closest thing the system could find to the “martial artist” I was going for. But, in all reality, I'm not going to complain.
The white clothing I had before, and the new set hanging up, is gone. In its place is black ninja attire, covering my entire body head to toe. Even my face is covered, with only a slit for my eyes that allows me to see outside. A black headband and black belt finish the costume, which comes complete with a ninja set of tools attached to the suit near my right and left hands. Without even thinking about it, a shuriken is in my right hand, and a kunai in my left. Come to think of it, this is the first time I've touched a weapon in Dungeon Quest, isn't it? I put them back.
I open the door and go back out.
Grace: “Is that you, Gabe?”
Well, I guess nothing phases her anymore.
Gabe: (soft, muffled voice) “Yeah, it's me.”
Grace: “Let’s go to the party!”
The door in front of us opens, and we enter the costume party.