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<11/13/149,566 {Avion 148} - 17:50 | Corral Position, Genosis, Altiri Sector Space>
In the very short time I've used to absorb more about our connections, much had been learned, and much more stayed mysterious. In our strong telepathic connections between Reed and I, it was difficult to hide our building emotions from each other on most days, but on other days, Reed seemed like a different person to me than he did before.
Take now for instance. As much fun as I was having talking to Reed again after a brief intermission, I could tell far too much was on his mind for his behavior to default to what I have become accustomed too. The strangest aspect is that he actually realizes this difference just as I do. "That's what I'm saying," he replied, enchanted by the mysterious imagination plugging his first-senses. "I want to be locked in this cold forever, in a world where it's always snowing, always falling us a blizzard, of ice and snow. I can't explain why I love it so much; it doesn't make total sense, but it's all I can think about lately. The very idea of the cold is, well... It's overpowering to say the least."
"The cold is beautiful yes. Just keep in mind that humans can't survive if they lose too much heat at once."
"I'm wearing a heavy jacket aren't I?"
Cute as his remark was, I wasn't concerned about this factor in the first place, not with what I could clearly realize. His tone of voice when he thinks about the element of sub-zero environments, to a point where wonder and curiosity is the only detectable thought of his mind is evidence of the montrum that still lingers.
Not that long ago, I would have been thrilled beyond everything to know that the montrum of a purge already passed lingers on to influence my Reed. However, as I've thought long enough in my nights of silence to remember some moments of the past, I've also remembered that the effects of a montrum on any human could potentially be more curse than blessing. For one, it isn't natural. Reed is in love with anything that reminds him of the cold, his imagination defaulting to the visuals of our frozen world he managed to recall just days back, near the same time I shared some of my memory with him. Uncertain what triggered this, all I could do was return his wonder with wonder of my own, confused, conflicted with concern and excitement. "I'm glad you're feeling better from this, but, I still want to be sure you are okay with all of this." When montrum happens naturally within someone, it isn't special; barely a blip on the mind. However, when a montrum forced from a purge springs up, the effects are amplified a hundred fold. Any influence brought on by it overrides just about anything else. So now, I worry how wrong this is, if Reed is only being forced to enjoy his secret new life, forced into a state of mind by something outside of his control.
I didn't tell him this though, for I've been too caught up in spending helpful time with him. Reed has contacted me as often as possible ever since his montrum of winter has returned, so my own concerns are shadowed by my own selfish needs. Even so, he wasn't as clueless as we first thought.
"It's the craziest thing Lumina. This montrum is still so powerful on me, even after the purge has finished the job. It's still a little different from before. I'm far more obsessed about the cold and visuals of your world than I am about the stars in the cosmic skies."
"I'm sorry about this Reed. Sometimes the effects of latent montrums take a long time to dial down."
"What are you apologizing for? I couldn't be more satisfied with the situation."
"Wait, seriously?"
"For real," he whispered, falling in love with the potent mix of sensation deep within heart. "There's so much that I don't know or understand, but this feeling, it's absolutely incredible! I nearly forgot how amazing it was during the purge. It's as if all my entire brain is constantly busy trying to unravel the mystery of the universe all without me having to even try to invoke this curiosity."
"So you're saying, you like the feeling of this montrum?" Even if he was satisfied, I remained skeptical that this was a good thing. I only recently recalled just how addicting the sensation of a montrum can be. I didn't bother telling him about such an addiction, but I could clearly see he was being affected by this. What baffles me though is that he likes it, something which can seldom be said for the other purged humans of the past.
"It's hard to explain, but it reminds me that I'm alive! I used to feel like something inside me was always missing, like I was left without some universal truth of concept required to go on. But now, even with everything so undefined, it feels like I've become part of some alternate world, a world so amazing because there are all these cool things in it."
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Chapter Theme Shift: Polaris ~ Unusual Cosmic Process (Spacetime)
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"So you like the feeling of being alive." I wasn't sure what he meant just yet. The only thing I was certain of was his positive addiction to the montrum. For better or worse, I cannot undo this. Most people are too enumerated by the data overflow from a purge or its montrums to even speak out loud, encumbered by the intense load on the mind, left exhausted. Reed is something else though; this encumberment seems to accelerate his own response to such stimulus; he comes more alive than ever before, totally undisturbed by this burden of thought.
"You know full well that I do. I love it when my mind has something to latch onto, something to think about, something to absorb. It's as if every tiny little thing about the world suddenly has more detail and value than it ever did before, and I nearly missed all of it. I was getting worried about being bored again the other day, but this montrum takes care of it, for the moment at least. It is in effect, its own form of heavy stimulus."
"Stimulus..." The way he described it brought me back to what happened to Reed only two days ago. It only makes sense that he would embrace any stimulus he gets, since he suffers from a soft kind of under-stimulation of the mind. For him, it is all necessary. So then, is the montrum an ally or an enemy in this situation? "Let me ask you something. Please don't get mad at me for repeating the question..." I have to know, to be assured that what Reed told me the other day wasn't just a fluke of words in the chill of the moment. "Where are you in all of this? I know you said that you've started to believe in our existence, but somehow I'm not sure. I defiantly don't want you to make that statement only as a result of some montrum."
"What do you think I am Lumina? Some mindless drone?"
"Eh—" Uncertain how to respond to that, I waited for him to clear this up.
"Look. I know that I have far too many thoughts at once to handle sometimes, and I also know that this montrum, amazing as it feels, isn't about to define who I really am. It doesn't control me that much. When I said that I was starting to believe in your existence, you and that of the entire Altiri race, well, even though I'm still not completely sure, I mean what I say."
Incredible as always... I heard the stories of the past, where some people could never fight for control over the montrum, due to be being overwhelming. Maybe Reed is only lucky in this case, or maybe his brain can handle far more than what should be normal for a human. Sure would explain the hell out of what happened to him days back.
"It's hard for me to make any certainty of affirmation in my own mind, no matter how much I want to, because after everything, I don't have any concrete proof or evidence that the Altiri are real... But Lumina, there's just something about you that doesn't fall in line with a hallucination or an alternate personality. Is it possible that I invented you just to fill the emptiness of my social life? Maybe, but then it wouldn't explain how I am able to learn so much about both worlds when it comes to things I shouldn't possibly know, like yesterday when you told me the time of the night in exact synchronization to our area clock, down to the last minute without me cheating a glance first."
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"I'm sure in time, I will be able to give you more proof, maybe..."
"You don't sound too sure, but the one thing doing it for me is you. Call me crazy all you want, but everything about you is too dynamic to be coincidence. On top of that, the life you lived all these countless years..."
"Wh— You mean, what I showed you in the memory share? That only covers bits and pieces of what I observed on Earth using clairvoyance, and only the negative stuff at that."
"No Lumina. There was more. I don't know if you made a mistake, but for just a split second, I caught a glimpse of other moments in your life, about Karnak, about Zinod, about your sisters and your friends... I can't make anything of it since it was too fast for detail, but what it revealed to me is that you weren't lying about how long you have lived... Countless thousands of years, and yet you never age, not physically at least."
"You saw all of that?" He couldn't have seen all of my life. I'm sure I didn't mess up what I wanted to show him, to reveal to him the missing pieces of our proof that heathens are evil.
"No," he repeated somewhat annoyed. "I mean, I only felt it, so I don't know anything about it beyond the context of how much there is, how much you have not yet told me, how much infinite information there is you could give to me, in theory. Alternate personalities don't work like that; the human brain and its imagination has limits, I think." Even though he couldn't sound too sure of himself, the context of his words kept me locked into this interesting discussion between us, between imagination and reality, montrum and affirmation, happy and unhappy.
"Strange... You never mentioned it before when it happened... What if it's only the montrum tricking you to think that though? With the purge now done with, any montrum you have isn't going to be controlled by the living signal or by anyone other than yourself. I just want you to be careful that you don't confuse reality with fiction."
"That is some irony you have there Lumina..." Reed trailed off into thought, allowing me to understand what he meant. I still know he gets the difference, that a montrum at its most potent peak does have the power to confuse a human on what is real and what is fake, the false reality coming from instigated details of the overactive imagination during the push from that montrum. It has happened before, during that purge with 'Two-Week Girl.' "You really don't see any possibility of yourself being fake... I suppose that's because you have millions of other Altiri in your world to confirm you are not insane, so then the relative focus on that must instead shift to my own self."
"How many times must you fight yourself on the matter of your own sanity Reed? It's okay with us if you cannot be certain, even if I want nothing more than for you to believe we exist. Whether you believe or not will not make you any less sane."
"That's only your perspective though... But you might have a point. Thinking myself to death over it isn't really going to give either of us any answer, now is it?"
"You always were hard on yourself, but it's amazing to see you are more critical than I thought."
"You're the one who keeps going on and on about me being special compared to the average human."
If only he would realize that he is. I don't know what makes Reed's sensory input so intense and strong compared to average. Even without a very high natural psionic aptitude, he can sense more about the world around him than others care to, either because he was born with extra senses, or because he's the only one I've seen who cares enough to make use of all of them. That's where he gets his own intelligence from, not by being smart, but instead by relying on as much sensory input as possible, followed by several simultaneous parallel thought processes of analysis. "One of these days, you will see what I mean."
"Part of me wants to be right, that you and the Altiri really are real. I panicked earlier this morning when I suspected that the montrum was making me feel that way, that it was forcing or influencing me to feel more positive about the Altiri."
"It might. The purge was designed with that in mind."
"Yeah, but you just told me the purge is not active anymore, and so whatever comes of the current montrum is only coming from within, which means if I feel like I want it all to be true, then it's actually how I feel deep down. I wasn't sure at first of the reason; actually I'm still not certain. All my life I've wanted all kinds of amazing friends, and was never really given a fair chance at that. Then, one day, your psionic signal falls down from the sky, shocking me awake on what should have been an ordinary morning. You've been trying to get me to believe in your existence ever since, but you've cared even more in priority to keep me company, to be here for me even knowing you can't prove your own existence."
"That's..." Too bashful to explain why, I tried to look away, letting him do all the talking he wanted to. All of it was true; that reprioritizing how I spend my time with him was how I wanted do continue our connection, but I never thought he would see that.
"Maybe I still don't know the reasons yet, but maybe I don't need to know of them either. The point is, you want to be one of my friends, and so far you've been nothing but supportive. I have no reason to slap your hand away from me, especially when no other human on this rock is lining up to show a care in the world for my daily life."
Something about his continued words calmed me down momentarily, so I let out a soft and silent sigh of relief. "I think what you're trying to say, is that you wish to return the favor, of your own volition, and not from that of a montrum."
"Yeah, that's exactly right. I knew you would understand it quickly. You really are smart, aren't you?"
"I have more experience in some areas than you do."
"And yet you dove in headfirst to purge me, something you have never done before. I guess in some ways, you like to live life on the edge too."
"I'm not even sure what you mean." I never told him how much trouble we were in for purging him, and I still didn't intend to. Even so, he isn't wrong about the risk, or on the haste to take such a risk.
"How to explain? It's all new stuff to us both, and so it is more exciting. Exciting doesn't always mean something good or bad, but in our case, it's as if we've both been asleep for so long, and have finally awakened to an alertness, a higher consciousness most need to be pushed into."
He feels that way too? Maybe it isn't just me after all. I can't even remember most of the random countless days me and my sisters spent when we never got anything done on our spaceships, those uneventful days where nothing ever happens and the world never changes, sleepwalking through our days as if on autopilot. Then, when something changes, I feel so different, like I have become my full self again. I'm betting Reed goes through the same sensation sometimes. "Well, I didn't do all of this simply because I was bored or sleepwalking."
"I figured that much... Look Lumina. Talking with you even after learning so much is very interesting, just as much as it is fun. The reason I get so excited when I keep thinking about blizzards and darkening snow storms, isn't just because the montrum is making it that way... I think I like the idea of it all, because under our circumstances, the cold reminds me so much of you."
"Oh!" I covered my mouth in letting my reaction slip out. "I mean, that's cool too. It makes sense, as we are designed to thrive in those environments." I'm so glad my sisters are not right behind me right now to make fun of me. Why is it so embarrassing to hear him say that?
"The stars in the sky do the same thing for me, but not as much as that fresh and amazing sensation of the cold. Plus, I kind of need that cold air to start a new connection and talk to you."
"I'm just glad you gave us a second chance Reed. Even as we speak, you still have the option, the choice of throwing this away forever, but I'm happy you're letting me be your friend."
"So you're a space alien, so what? Actually, I can't lie; that is still really freaking cool. I wish I could show you off to all the people at school, if only to prove to them that I'm not some chump."
"Pft! Haha! I don't know if they would have the reaction you think they would." His joke was already the highlight of my night, but it did get me to daydream of the moment unfolding as it were. Some of the crazy humans in that school deserve the mental shock, if you ask me.
"Glad to know we're on the same page too... Just, bear with me Lumina."
"Hm? What for? I'm having a great time with you right now."
"I think I'm safe for today... but after what happened two days ago, I fear I might be in for another UAD attack soon."
"Come on Reed. I already know that it isn't the real you when one of those attacks goes off."
"I know... But still, I'm starting to faintly remember some parts of it when it does happen. Such violent rage, such pure aggression, as if I'm a raved animal! That can't be natural, and it seems to be happening from boredom, more specifically mental stimulus deficiency."
"I know Reed... I'm here for you no matter what though. I'll be cheering for you to find a solution to it."
Two days ago from now, Reed suffered from some psychological attack of some kind during his gym class. At first, I thought the symptoms were entirely physical, but after learning more, I realized it was a problem with the way his mind works. I've never seen anything like it in anybody before. It strangely feels like it has something to do with how his mind works, how much he craves mental stimulation of any variety, how much his brain needs to be in its excited state during the peak hours of the day, and even how he has a separate condition called Attention Deficit Disorder. It's similar to ADHD, but all internalized into the mind, much less the body. The result for Reed, is a constant chaotic storm of simultaneous parallel thought processes, half of them conscious and half of them subconscious.
He told me already that his mind is like a mental maze of thought, and that he has close to 100 thoughts per second when he is at his most awake moment, at least 50 thoughts per second on average. I can think fast too, but that much is beyond even myself... It's not that Reed thinks at warp speed though, it more like he can use all of those simultaneous thought processes to filter tremendous levels of information so smoothly. What would overload the mind of an ordinary person would only give Reed a slight buzz, a sensation he has grown to like.
All of this insight has let me realize why and how Reed had such an easy time absorbing all we tried to teach him in our earliest connections. It's also the reason he gets bored so easily I think. I've seen him become bored before however, and the result was never a UAD attack... But I guess things change sometimes. Maybe my purge was the very thing that started the process, but it isn't easy to prove or disprove.
I don't know if Reed is going to continue suffering from more UAD attacks like before. The very first one gave me one hell of a scare. All I can do is try to run it by my sisters and see if they know more about it, which I doubt they will. I'm not thrilled to go with plan B should I need to; asking the Royal Scryers for help on the matter, in the rare event that this UAD business is not as unique to Reed as I'm thinking it is. For now at least, it seems Reed has the idea that too little mental activity will trigger a UAD response, so at lest he has something to work with in this new mystery.
"Thanks Lumina. There isn't too much need to worry. I'll figure something out soon."
"Let's hope so. Let me know if you want to talk about anything else too, to keep your mind busy."
"Let's not get too carried away Lumina. If I get that bored, I'll play that one game I love so much. Freelancer and Star Fury is what it was, a game where I can move across all the stars and cosmic space all I want. If only I had my own space ship."
"Sorry Reed. We don't deliver those. All we can offer is your telepathic power." Even with just this telepathic power, I knew full well it was enough for us both. Of all the superpowers humans dream of having, telepathy is the most amazing one to me, because it gives us the chance to communicate and befriend people we would normally never-ever reach, bringing their entire existence into our stream of consciousness.