Jason turned his head and found Xenia’s face only a centimeter away.
She scowled and said: “Akeem, I am not touching him.”
Behind him, Akeem grumbled: “Some might consider that touching.”
“Well, I don’t”
Res didn’t let himself get pulled in by her ample cleavage and her blue eyes and instead watched her mannerisms. It took significant effort as the knowledge that she had no underdress on only inflamed his fantasies. She realized his fixation on her face and her expression turned confused.
Res’s blood magic connection to Xenia was still open as he said: “I am a fool. I haven’t thought about what this all means. It almost seems like I have lost something of myself. This entire thing between us three is rushed. We all should take some time to consider … ”
He was interrupted by her hot breath next to his neck. “We shouldn’t think about this too much.”
Her leg was on his upper thigh, out of sight of Akeem, and … Desire. Pure and primal desire rushed through his entire body. He had never felt like this before. His body was spring-loaded, ready to pounce and … Jason cheered: “Yes Sir. That is what I am talking about!”
The comment pulled him out of his trance and he stood up and coughed. “Hehem, I … the cake is ready to be pulled out of the oven.”
The cake was still only a slightly hotter pile of dough, but Res stared through a glass panel into the magic oven. After five minutes, he asked Jason: “Why did you do it?”
Jason laughed nervously. “What do you mean? The cheering on? I thought you two wanted to fuck. I was all for it.”
Res grinned involuntarily and Jason got more and more flustered. “Well, I thought, well, you know …”
Res interrupted him. “Thank you. You saved me from something I may have regretted.”
Jason got even more flustered. “What? I am for … You know … Ahhh, fuck it. My first time was with an eighty-year-old woman. I was twelve and I can’t live a single second of my life without thinking about it. I didn’t want you to experience the same.”
Res knew that it was insensible, but he laughed. ”Are you serious?”
“No”
Res immediately stopped laughing. “Ohh”
“What was your first time, then?”
“With my first wife back in my world. Back there it is actually forbidden to have more than one wife. Or mistress. Our marriage was … special. We met at a classic college party and I was the dumb kid that someone brought out of pity. She was way out of my league and when the time came to dance, no one asked her because she was way too pretty. I went up to her, asked her and she agreed. Somehow, we ended up in bed that night and she found out she had a thing for unpopular boys. A year later, we married, and I thought we were the happiest couple on earth. Only three years into the marriage, she said that she wanted a divorce. She had found someone more interesting, and she made stuff up about how I didn’t care about her. Fuck bro, now I am already spouting nonsense, am I?”
“No, you talk sense … lots of sense”
Not knowing what to do, he did the only sensible thing – Thinking. After an indeterminate amount of time, someone tapped his shoulder and Res turned to face Akeem. He cleared his throat and announced: “The cake will still take some time.”
Akeem grabbed him and peered into his eye sockets. “No dilated pupils. He should be fine, but he is still confused. You sat in front of that oven for over fifteen minutes and watched that cake turn brown.”
He nodded sagely. “Ahh, yes. I am still having some side effects from the narcotics.”
Under the supervision of Akeem, Res pulled out the cake. The youngest prince of Osma pointed at the form that Res had made. “That looks a lot like a penis.”
Jason broke out into howling laughter and Res mentally hit himself for his nativity. “Yes, that is a penis. I have been told that it is a sign of fertility.”
Two pairs of beautiful smooth legs slung themselves around him and two soft bumps pressed against his back. Xenia had jumped onto his back and had pressed her entire body against him. He could feel her two … and the … With all his mental might, he withstood the temptation and called the sensation of bathing in the sewers into his mind.
Finally, Xenia gave up and let go, but still grabbed a hold of his arm and pressed it against her chest. “That really is a just a giant dick.”
Res extricated himself from Xenia and ignored her pout. Akeem threw Xenia a half-heartedly angry look and continued to stare at the cake. From behind him, Serafina added: “It isn’t that bad. It could also be a mushroom.”
When Res turned, she didn’t meet his gaze. At first, he thought it was because of shame, but out of the corners of his eyes, he could see Xenia sticking out her tongue. When he watched her closer, he found a hidden fire in Serafina’s eyes that he had never seen before. If he did nothing, things would escalate. “I have to admit that it was my ghost who suggested the form.”
His statement hung in the air and Akeem raised his eyebrows in obvious confusion. “You wanted to create a giant penis cake. You can admit it.”
Jason broke out into another round of laughter at that.
“No, really …”
His objections were interrupted by the announcer: “Contestants, please put your creation on the unique teleporter array by the Grupo Baking Group.”
They put their cake on the designated spot and the plate vanished with a flash of light. A magic image appeared out of thin air with several klengans crowding around their cake. For several seconds, the klengans stared at their creation. Then they broke out into laughter. When the laughter died down, they taste-tested it. Several of the klengans Ooohd and Ahhd with surprise and all held up cards varying from 6 to 9. The value of all their cards was added up to create a total score of exactly seventy points. Their cake was teleported away, and the image shifted to another room with other klengans. This time, there was another cake on a similar table next to it. It was a perfect oval with a yellow coating on top.
Akeem groaned: “That is the cake of the elite palace guard. For some reason, the entire palace guard can cook and they have made all the same cake.”
With a surprisingly narrow margin, their cake lost to the elite guard’s cake. The image of the magic mirror switched to display the view of an enormous fortified city from a bird's-eye view. Thirty minutes of awkward silence passed with Xenia snuggling closer to him while Serafina looked away.
A nondescript voice spoke: “Congratulations. Because you have passed the first round, we will assign each member of your group the rank: Captain with six low-grade troops. Your goal is to get as many points as possible. Killing low-grade soldiers, also known as mercenaries, will be worth one point. Killing basic soldiers will give two points. Killing a captain will be three points. This pattern continues until getting to the general. If you kill the general, you will be qualified for the last round of the king’s tournament.”
Xenia whispered excitedly: “We are this close. The final stretch to freedom.”
“Bro, we are fucked right now. We are so fucked right now. You have no fucking aether reserves.”
In horror, he looked at his tiny stumps and screamed out in protest as lights enveloped him. In an instant, he found himself in the middle of the town that had been portrayed in the floating image. Jason stabilized him so he wouldn’t lose his dignity. The buildings were like those of Trianon, but the small green creatures in front of him weren’t. They were arrayed in neat small rows with pots on their heads as helmets and javelins on their back. Serafina, who had appeared next to him, cried out in wonder: “Goblins?”
One goblin stepped forward with a finger up his nose and spoke in a high-pitched voice. “Gagag is leader!”
Jason shouted: “Pound that goblin in the ground right now. Then, threaten each one of them, else they will turn on you or each other.”
Res was a little overwhelmed at the chain of event, so he assessed his surroundings. The sun hung high in the sky and the most impressive thing about the city was the enormous wall surrounding it. When he determined that there was no danger in the immediate area, he turned his attention to the goblins. With a complex aether push, he crashed into the goblin and sent it flying into a wall.
All the other goblins had stopped shifting about and Res projected an heir of superiority: “I will kill everyone if …” Luckily, Jason filled the gap for him. “… If they don’t obey your orders. Threaten fucking their wives and eating their meat. Show them your cut-off arms and tell them you got those fighting against the klengans. Do some inspirational stuff.”
Indeed, Res did. He projected his voice out to the rooftops and adopted a commanding baritone: “My name is Res. I will fuck your wives until they resemble a bloody bone pile. I will take your entire stock of meat if you don’t follow me right now. We are on hard times right now. The enemy is at our doorstep, trying to attack our city. Our city! Do you see those wounds?”
The remaining 23 goblins nodded vigorously. “I got those fighting the klengans. I lost my arm when I beat a klengan general to death with my own head.” The goblins cried out in amazement. “I lost my leg when I killed a klengan princess in her sleep. I fought my way out against fifty of their bodyguards.” Some goblins raised their spears and shouted in agreement. The leadership of a small goblin band didn’t seem that bad all of a sudden. He decided to put the cherry on top.
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He was now screaming on top of his lungs. “The last leg, I lost by murdering their king!”
For a second, all the goblins turned dead silent. Then they went mad. They turned into bloodthirsty monsters with sharp teeth that wouldn’t turn back if they felt pain – They had found a leader. All of them pumped their fists into the air while pounding the stone floor.
“King killer, King killer!!!” Then another language was mixed into the cries and soon everyone was shouting: “Vex Nash, Vex Nash, Vex Nash!!!”
When he turned to the others, they were looking at him with a mixture of horror and fascination. Res grinned at Serafina and motioned them to come. He threw up the arms of Akeem while whispering in his ear, do something impressive with your gift. Akeem grew his muscles to an enormous size while tentacle-like muscle strands whipped the air. The goblins roared in approval and Res split their forces in two.
When he wanted to give Serafina her own detachment, Jason interjected: “Bro, I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Those are base goblins that have been trained for such occasions. They only have base instincts. The sole reason why they aren’t dry humping the two girls is because they have been marked as yours.”
When he told them that, Xenia hugged him and pressed her bosom against him: ”Wow Res, that was sooo impressive. I don’t mind not having an attachment. I only want to stay closer to you.”
Res remembered back to when they had met. She was an innocent princess having a bit of fun with a side project and both of them knew it. He was sort of a plaything and he was Ok with that. Back then, she could speak freely in front of him and he could speak freely in front of her. Mutual benefit. This felt so wrong, so forced. “Was she like this all along?” Yet, his pants told him a whole different story.
“Bro, you can’t show weakness in front of goblins. You lost a hell lot of respect.”
With some wriggling, he disentangled himself from Serafina’s grasp. Some nonsensical shouting about raping made another approving roar resounded through the street. With a broad grin on his face, Res jogged towards the city wall. The goblins followed in a screeching mess, and Res found himself proud of his makeshift war band. After five minutes of light jogging, they were on top of the fortification. Until now, they hadn’t met anyone, but on the crenellations were many other participants. A look outside the city revealed an endless sea of goblin leaders with several klengan’s mixed in. A look in all directions revealed that a sea of goblins surrounded the city.
“There is no way that we are winning this. There must be at least four million goblins.”
Jason cleared his throat and assumed a teacherly tone: “Those aren’t actually goblins. They are base goblins. I played an integral part in making them and I am not proud of it. Once upon a time, the klengan found out how to make teleport arrays and visited a world next to their home moon. It is more complicated than that because they had to send a space shuttle, but that isn’t important right now. More important is the fact that they met an intelligent species back there – The goblins. The goblin race was actually influential as they have uncanny intelligence and talent with technology. The klengan only arrived at the perfect time. The goblins had laid waste to their fortieth home planet with some enormous spell. The klengan could have taken the goblins as slaves, but that wouldn’t have worked out for them. I would estimate that the goblins would have overtaken the klengan empire within a century. So instead, they agreed on giving the klengan’s several prisoners from their own species. They then bred the intelligence out of the goblins and the result are base goblins.”
“How intelligent are they?”
“I have no fucking clue because when I was still alive all this was only a plan, but it seems like they have done it.”
“How did you know that I should threaten their families?”
“It is goblin custom to do that, and I assumed that they kept some of their heritage.”
Suddenly, the prince teleported onto the crenellations only fifty meters away. Before he could react, the prince teleported down to the ground. An enormous white cloak was billowing from the prince’s shoulders. Additionally, many round objects were strapped all around his person.
“BRO! How did that dumbass get implosion grenades and a teleporting cloak? Ahhh”
Res sent emotions of confusion through their bond and Jason added.
“The names are self-explanatory. He must have won the baking competition. Why the fuck would a prince be good at baking? Or the elite guards, for that matter? It feels like the game is rigged.”
The prince had reached the first line of goblins and tore into them like a tornado of death. Goblin bodies were flung each way and his elite guards only added to the carnage. In fascinated horror, he watched as the prince slaughtered his way through the army. Not wanting to be outdone, a group of northerners jumped down the wall and rushed to join the fight. On closer inspection, it turned out that the base goblins were actually running away. After they would run for several meters, they would drop to the ground while trembling. Jason gave off an impressed whistle.
“Bro, they implanted chips into them that give them zaps of lightning if they don’t comply. Impressive if I say so myself.”
“How horrible”, Res breathed out.
Jason sent a feeling of danger through their bond and Res instinctively hardened his body. He had reacted not a moment too soon as a dagger sliced across his throat. Xenia cried out in horror behind him, and Res whirled around to face his attacker. Small drops of blood were running down his neck, but the dagger hadn’t cut deeply. In front of him stood the ghostbound that was contracted to hunt him down. The ghostbound looked at his two long, curved daggers in confusion. When he felt Res’s gaze on him, the ghostbound retreated with some impressive cartwheels.
Instead of attacking, Res laughed, as if he had found a long-lost friend. He had thought little about his relationships in the last days, but he had thought about surviving. Making that ghostbound his friend, was the best-case scenario. Fighting without arms and a leg was suboptimal. If he had the ghostbound as an ally, they would mutually improve their odds. He extended a hand and scratched the back of his head:
“Oh, sorry. I didn’t see you there. I don’t want to fight you or harm you. This entire thing is a misunderstanding and I would be forever thankful if you could listen to me for a second.”
“Your second is over. Now fight.”, the masked figure replied.
Once again Res laughed and sat down on the ground: “That was a good one. Should have seen that one coming.”
Judging by his voice, it was a young man four years older than him. “I don’t talk to ghosts.”
“Actually, I talk to ghosts every day.”
The young man looked at him incredulously. “You admit that you possessed this innocent man?”
Res sat back and exposed his bleeding throat. He had talked with Jason extensively about their relationship. It had clicked for him when Jason had told him about a game from his home planet. “Imagine you are playing a game against another person. The game works like this: First, the participants will talk to each other. Then, they secretly choose between two options. Split or Steal. If one of them chose to split and the other one chose to steal, the one who chose steel will win one thousand platinum coins. If both of them split, they both get five hundred platinum coins. You and your ghost are the first pair while we are the second.”
The ghostbound studied Res with disdain. “My teacher told me I would one day meet a person like you. If you are working side by side, your ghost should be able to activate this artifact.”
He threw a wooden cube over to him and Res caught it. Jason immediately cried out: “Throw that thing away!”
With a push of aether, he instantly pushed the cube as far away from him as possible. The ghostbound tilted his head. “You didn’t lie. You are working with a ghost. How long have you two been together? One day or two days?”
“5 Days”
“Tell me: Is she your wife?”
Res didn’t have to fake wrinkling his nose. “No”
“Is she a close relative?”
“No.”
“One of your friends”
“No”
“Someone you love?”
“No”
“Are you having sexual intercourse in your aether dimension?”Res had to stop the guy before he vomited. Now he would have cursed images in his head for the rest of his life.
“No, no, and no again. I met him for the first time when I got possessed. I am not some weirdo making endless aether love or trying to preserve my wife if that is what you are getting at.”
The ghostbound had watched him closely and seemed to conclude that he wasn’t lying. “Who is your ghost?”
Jason interjected: “Don’t tell him.”
Res hesitated and added: “My ghost doesn’t want you to know.”
The ghostbound’s brows rose even higher “Your ghost isn’t only powerful, but also knowledgeable? I will have to kill you anyway. We know about people like you, but the balance will shift and either of you will take the reins. If everything you said was true, then I can’t let the risk persist of you going mad.”
He brandished his blades, but Res only pointed towards the prince. “Do you see the prince over there? How many points do you think he got with his elite guards?”
The ghostbound hesitated, but then replied: “Sorry, I need to kill you fast so he doesn’t gain on me even more.“
“Look … what should I call you?”
The ghostbound shifted about but replied. “Call me Adrian.”
“Look Adrian, I don’t want to insult you. But we both know that you don’t measure up to Trianon’s royal family and you don’t want to lose your aether, right? Why don’t we fight together? You can keep an eye on me and assess whether I am in danger of being overtaken by my ghost. You will have plenty of opportunities to kill me afterward. I will do my best to help you progress to the last challenge.”
Res said not only the words but meant it. “Promise me that I can kill you afterward.”
”I don’t have to answer that.”
He exposed his back to Adrian and jogged along the fortifications to find a spot away from the prince. The sound of a deafening horn resounded through the city and the army of goblins began to march on them. Their advance resembled more of cows being led to slaughter than bloodthirsty warriors. Res’s gaze swiveled over the desperate, yet hopeful faces of the goblins.
“They know they will die.”, whispered Res.
“Bro, that is abhorrent. Disgusting.”
Their small goblin squad looked at their brethren with concern. When they saw that he was looking at them, they straightened and nodded at him. This gesture of pure subservience – Nodding in affirmation right before you slaughter your own kind, broke his fighting spirit. He stopped running and took in the desperate faces of his goblins. Xenia ran up to him and snuggled against him.
“It is all right Res if you are scared before a battle. That is why I am here.”
Yet, Res was so sunken in thought that he didn’t realize how she led his arm closer and closer to her bosom. Xenia breathed faster and faster and bit her lip when Res awakened from his thinking session and pulled away. “I will not fight them. This is horrible.”
Everyone stared at him, then at the horde of advancing goblins. “Are you serious, you can’t … ” Akeem’s objections were drowned out by the approving roar from the goblins. The goblin he had previously hit to show his superiority, stepped forward.
In his high voice, the goblin shouted: “We will show them the greatness of king killer!”The goblins waved their pikes around in agreement.
“Bro, I don’t disagree, but …”
“Can you tell me more customs of Goblins?”
“Are you serious? There are hundreds upon hundreds of different customs. I know birthing dances, festival songs and the basic tribal structure.”
Res had found himself in hundreds of similar situations and it had always worked out. Adrian had jumped off the wall and ran at incredible speed at the advancing goblin line. “Give me the fiercest festival song you know.”
Jason sighed when he felt his determination. “It is actually a drinking song, but it tells the story of the goblins slaughtering civilizations.”
Res looked back at the fierce goblin warriors as he climbed down the wall to a nearby gate. “Do you know the song ‘Goblin’s wrath’?”
The goblins nodded and pumped their spears into the air. “Every goblin learns. Young, old, everyone. Don’t sing often because of no drink.”
Their mood turned depressed as they probably remembered the horrible living conditions. While pushing open the enormous door, he asked: “What are you?”
Only confused murmurs came back from the base goblins. Now louder, he shouted: “Who are you?”
Now the base goblins seemed only scared. As the light from the setting sun cast him in its glorious colors, he said: ”You have defeated one civilization after another. You have raped thousands of women, have eaten enormous amounts of meat. And now you look at me with that expression when I ask you who you are? Don’t you feel that intelligence still deep inside you, the keenness, the power, and the ambition? What is your heritage? Take it and hold it firm to your heart where it belongs.“
Somehow his small speech had gotten out of hand, but the goblins seemed to like it. They were looking at him wide-eyed as if he had revealed a deep secret. ”Who are you?!“
The eldest base goblin of the bunch stepped forward and shouted: “We are goblins!”
Some looked at him askance, while others looked at him admiringly. Res repeated himself again as he faced the horde. “Who are you!?”
“Goblins!”
The answering cry was now more distinct.
“Who are you!!!?”
“Goblins!!!” Now every goblin shouted along.
“WHO ARE YOU?”
The following roar was deafening as they stepped through the gate: “GOOOBBBLIINSSS!”