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OP without wanting to be
39. Destructive Self-Questioning

39. Destructive Self-Questioning

He pushed himself off the edge of the bell tower. Luckily, the girls didn’t scream as they fell towards the ground. He found contact with the ground and pushed against it. Their free-fall slowed into a comfortable glide. Finally, they came to a halt near the residential wing of the palace. Res began to count the windows. “Eight up, eighteen right, around the small tower and one up. Found it.”

From his arms came faint protest from Serafina, but Res ignored it for now. He had to hover around for a minute until he found the right angle to kick against the window. From inside, he could hear the stirring of bedsheets and he pounded harder on the window. Vincent walked up to the window and opened it while shielding his eyes from the moonlight. He recoiled at Res’s towering shadow right in front of his window.

Without asking, Res flew past and deposited the two grumbling girls in Vincent’s bed-chamber. “Ahh, sorry Vin for disturbing you this late.”

Vincent had fallen on his back and was scrambling away from them on all fours. “Princess of Osma? … Res? … You are dead …”

Res offered his hand to Vincent. “I am standing right here in the flesh and everything is still working fine. Besides, you forgot to mention the princess’s beautiful bodyguard, Serafina.”

It dawned on Vincent that he wasn’t hallucinating, and he grabbed Res’s hand to pull himself up. Laughing, he punched Res’s shoulder. “Man, I was at your funeral and I wept in front of the entire royal court. It was embarrassing.”

It surprised Res how much being declared dead stung. “How was it?”

Vin raised his eyebrows and looked at him with fresh eyes. “It was boring. You have changed a lot. Have you come to enjoy talking?”

Res thought back to listening to Vincent’s endless monologues. “I might have. If I want to completely relax, I will need to talk to people.”

Vincent clapped him on the back. “That is the Res I know. Now tell me, why are you breaking into my room in the night?”

“I wanted to give you something.”

Res pulled out the golden coin Orson had created, but Vincent didn’t seem impressed. “A flat golden coin?”

“It will allow you to get special treatment and free drinks at my new establishment. It is a mixture of restaurant and tavern for young nobles.”

“Are you kidding me? Why did you buy a restaurant? Why didn’t you invest your money into the mines or trade?”

“The restaurant is a passion project. It is called ‘il ristorante’ on the fortieth Greenfield Avenue. I may have a perfect opportunity for you to grow your social circle. How many people can you think of on top of your head who are competitive in matters of poetry?”

“I can’t count them all.”

“Exactly, that is where we come in. Our restaurant will have a poetry contest with the prize being a ‘booster-nut’”

Vincent’s eyes were close to popping out. “You managed to get one?”

Res smirked. “I have five of them and can get more. Each of the guys who has a girl accompanying them will get the chance to win a ‘booster-nut’. I can give you one nut flat and one nut if the poetry competition is full. How many teachers and poets do you know that are recognized as capable? And how many of them would be open to partake in judging young talents?”

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After hearing that he would receive nuts, Vincent was more energetic in his responses. “Well, if you also factor in the teachers, about ten.”

“You and Lee Barrett are fencing partners, right?”

“Yeah”

“It would be amazing if you could get him to play at the opening party, too. If he wants, I can pay him with gold or a nut.”

Vincent’s eyes clouded over in thought. “Man, that is a lot to do, I will have to skip class. But I will do it for you.”

“Perfect, I am counting on you. Do your best. Ahhh, yes, the princess will come to the poem reading, too. Some sort of qualification matches before tomorrow’s eighteenth bell might be necessary.”

Res turned to the pouting girls and hardened his arms once again in a princess carry. “Hop on.”

With now practiced ease, they climbed on and Res pushed himself through the window. Contented, Res let the chilly air brush past his skin and reveled in the freedom of flight. The guards were only watching the outer perimeter, so he pushed past them without raising any alarms. He had thought there would be at least one elite palace guard, but for some reason, he only saw normal guards. Pushing the matter out of his mind, he zipped over empty streets until they arrived at Xenia’s property.

From the air, Res spotted a young guard who was leaning on his spear and snoring. With some luck and fine aether control, he touched down only a meter behind the guard. Xenia giggled, and the guard whirled around with his spear at the ready. He lowered it when he saw the princess standing there laughing at him, blushed, and apologized. Other guards noticed their arrival, and the culprit was dragged away in a manner that suggested punishment.

Res faced the two girls and made as if to speak. Before he could react, Xenia pulled him down to her eye level and kissed him on the cheek. He berated himself for stammering around like it was his first kiss, but realized that it was his first kiss. That only intensified his stammering, and he longed for his previous cool, calculating calm. Xenia poked Serafina in the ribs, who had looked away. When Serafina realized what Xenia was implying, her eyes widened in horror. He had to admit, the reaction hit him deeper than he would like to admit.

With a faint smile, he turned away and said. “Serafina, you have misunderstood. Have a good night.”

Having said his piece, he pushed off the grass and into the night. He didn’t see the horror on her face change to sorrow and desperation. As he was zipped over countless buildings, his mind wandered. ”Doesn’t she like me? Why should she? To be honest, I haven’t even been nice to her, why should she be nice to me?”

His thoughts raced faster and faster until he screamed out all his frustration into the night. When he realized what he had done, his hands began to shake. “No, no. That is not me. Definitely not me. What to do when you don’t know what to do? – Think.”

Res dropped down to the street level and impacted the paving with a loud crunch to let some of his frustration out. He sat down on the steps to a baker’s shop and sank into the empty abyss of his empty mind. Now not so empty – The whirlpool was still there, but Res didn’t care at the moment. His processing power was focused on replaying Serafina’s every eye twitch, her every movement, and every expression. He cross-referenced her moods with other people. Res created a system that could categorize her emotions and let it run on all his memories.

“Right … her raising her eyebrows when I told her I had a restaurant could be a potential lead to her past. It could also … ”

His thought processes increased in intensity and he felt his head heating up. “Serafina felt Sorrow at that point. Why? What is sorrow? Sorrow is pain. Sorrow is loss. Sorrow is … lack of purpose? What is her purpose? What is my purpose?”

Res’s being began to whirl around in circles. “Is purpose given? Or is purpose nothing?” Res felt smaller and even more insignificant with every thought. “I can’t … I can’t do all this. Is my purpose to lead? No, I don’t want to!”

His mind whirled and whirled around like a wagon wheel. He had never seen that part of his being. “Am I that selfish?” When he turned to look at all his actions, he felt despair welling up. “I don’t want to, but I should want to, because … because”. The whirlpool had a firm grasp on him now and was eating away at his thoughts. “Why should I do anything? … Why am I?”

From far, far away, he could hear a pounding on his mind, but Res dismissed it. He felt the entity still trying for several minutes, but it finally gave up. By now, Res was close to the edge and still drowning in self-loathing and questions. For an instant, he teetered on the edge of being sucked into the dark whirlpool.

With a sigh of defeat, his consciousness was sucked down the whirlpool - His torture ended.