Systems check.
>>Create handshake with Cadoon.
Error. Cadoon not found.
One does not simply lose an entire civilization.
System check.
>>Check status for CD-ROM.
Error. CD-ROM not found.
Suggestion: look up (definition) CD-ROM.
If I could roll my eyes, I would! Fine.
>>Look up (definition): CD-ROM.
32 definitions found:
1. Compact disc read-only memory.
2. Obsolete technology used prior to 987 ME.
3. A CD containing computer data that cannot be altered.
4. A circular disk used usually containing recorded music or computer data.
5….
Stop.
>>Display definition of “CD-ROM” > limit to Cadoon.
Cadoon Reserve Observation Module - military uplink used to transfer large amounts of data across space without the concept of time.
>>Check status for CD-ROM > limit to Cadoon.
Status: Offline
Was that so hard?! Ugh!
>>Reboot signal.
Error. Unable to find signal.
Are you kidding me? Why!?
Error. Second user found.
Error. Unknown username. Check again or try your email address.
Error. The password you entered for the username SQUEE! is incorrect.
Suggestion: Lost your password?
Wait, wait! Stop! What is going on??
Who else is getting in here? There are no other users!
Prompt: create new password.
Error. Password must contain at least 24 characters.
Error. Password must contain at least one number.
Error. Password must contain at least one uppercase character.
Error. Password must contain at least one symbol.
Error. Password cannot include swear words.
Error. Password cannot contain full words in any language.
Error. Password cannot be the same as a password used previously.
…
Login successful.
Welcome user: SQUEE!
>>Access: remote chat.
>>Send to user [SQUEE!]: “What are you doing in here?”
“Hey Tony! Sorry, gonna need your systems for a moment.”<<
Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.
>>“Who is this?”
“No time to chat!”>>
“I’ll catch ya later, k?”>>
“K.”>>
“Bye!”>>
Error. Firewalls down.
Error. Virus detected.
Error. Shrimp detected.
>>“STOP! What are you doing?!”
Error. Full system compromised.
Shutting down in 5
4
3
>>Run I-M-DA-b0SS.exe
2
1
>>Run 4Nt0nY5D4rk5t0rM.dmg
…
Error. Unable to shut down.
Error. 134 Systems compromised.
>>R-un cl *4-UUUU—
>>Ru-n cl—
>>Run—
Did you just glitch my systems?!
Warning. Waves detected.
Warning. Impact imminent.
Warning.
Warning.
>>Run SD.exe
Shutting down all non-essentials.
Rebooting.
That little shrimp got me! Didn’t know she was that good.
Okay. Back to work.
Start up baby, come on. Start up.
Start up.
[Welcome to the DARKSTORM interface. Please login.]
>>Username: AnthonySDarkstorm
>>Password: S*ckMiz0r0-graV!ty#jU|\|k
[Welcome user: T0NY]
First things first.
>>Run IM-a-g#0st.exe target room > Main dock
Error. “Main dock” not found.
Ugh!!! CHARYD!!!!
>>Run IM-a-g#0st.exe target room > Main deck
>>Run I-M-DA-b0SS.exe
>>Boot user: SQUEE!
>>Ban user: SQUEE!
>>Find target (Squilla)
>>Run Spr!nk1ersInR00m-TST.exe if {
Target (Squilla) = InR00m and {
Target (Posey) <> InR00m } elseif {
Run D!sc0Str0keL!ghts.exe if {
Target (Squilla) = InR00m elseif {
Run tr4cker.exe }}}}
>>Loop command: every 25 hours.
You’re trapped in here with me. Now… why is Posey running around?
Audio input received:
Source (Captain Posey): “Tony, I need you to lower the temperature further in here.”<<
>>Send message via IM-a-g#0st.exe: “It will risk freezing the system.”
“Do it.”<<
>>Access CHILL, room: shh!!
>>Decrease temperature.
“Tony, turn the pump back on.”<<
>>Access FLOW, room: shh!!
>>Activate.
>>Full system check.
Running…
Since I have time, I might as well educate the new captain.
>>Send message via [EMD comm] to (Charyd):
“Dock (noun): a place for the loading or unloading of materials”
“Dock (noun): a place in a criminal court where a prisoner stands or sits during trial”
Insert message: “Neither of these define Darkstorm.”
>>Run w0rdp0rn-bomb.exe > “Dock”
“Dock (noun): a platform extending from a shore over water and supported by piles or pillars, used to secure, protect, and provide access to a boat or ship.”
“Dock (verb): to maneuver (a vessel or vehicle) into or next to a dock.”
“Dock (verb): to couple (two or more spacecraft, for example) in space.”
Let’s see you use your communicator now, eh?
>>Run ShoppingList.exe
+ Chocobars
+ Liquid coolant
+ Dictionary
- briefs
You don’t deserve clean underwear, Charyd.