> Start Ship's log, [insert-date-here.exe]
Error!
Date not found.
Stupid calendar system is not working! What day is it today?? Annoying shrimp! This is all your fault. And mine too… ugh… whatever.
Anyway!
> Start Ship’s log, date
…
Does Charyd still have that stupid analogue watch? I could at least get some timing.
Ugh!
Whatever!
> Start Ship’s log. Date: unknown. Time: is a human construct to make that entire species feel better about themselves for not being able to see into the fifth dimension. Topic: Charyd.
Long ago, so long that even if the calendar system worked nobody would understand what it meant, there was once a nation called “Greek”. Sounds like a weird name, I know, but hear me out. They were extremely powerful and ruled a large portion of the known lands.
One of their best features, however, was their stories. They loved to make up stories.
Back then, during this unknown date, the planet now known to us as D3DZ00000M-223 was not yet part of the interstellar community. They almost made it before, but the human race is not the smartest out there. Even so, they had many visitors from other planets and species. Sometimes, they recorded those visits as gods, sometimes as messengers, but more often – as stories.
And the Greek had the best stories.
One of my favourite stories of theirs was that of the sea monster Charybdis.
Now you see where I’m going with this?
Like the sea monster from Greek stories, Charyd is a pain in my ass. No happy ending in sight.
He is annoying and loud and brash and too nice to be a pirate!
Did he just stick his hand in a bowl and pull out that as a profession one day?
Anyway!
When I first met Charyd, I was still very new to this whole… AI thing. There was so much happening at once, I was plugged into the system too early, and add on top of that Charyd and… well…
Here we are.
Even if he was an unwelcomed variable, he did teach me a lot.
The time we had together in the beginning was short but filled with a lot of interesting things that I didn’t fully understand. Family dinners? Prank wars? Eating contests?
I’ve only ever read or watched about these types of things, but Charyd—and his crew—took me into the fold to experience this too.
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Our time was too short.
One thing led to another and—through no fault of mine, I swear it!—we parted ways.
I had to hack to many systems to figure out what happened to Charyd and the rest of his family, but only found news of the family.
They were imprisoned and sentenced to either life or death.
Charyd, however, was nowhere in the net. There was not a single mention of his perfect ass anywhere in my systems (though a peach did give me false hope once).
And then… next thing I know…
He is right here!
He’s on the ship and, honestly, if it wasn’t for my intervention, he would’ve been caught a lot earlier than he planned.
Forget Officer Saar catching him, that was a slip up and can happen to anyway. And yes, you’re welcome Charyd for me opening the wall panels so you could stuff him in there. By the way, it still stinks. Your simple nose may not be able to detect it, but my systems do. Fortunately for you, I can’t actually smell it, so the code is easy to ignore.
Anyway.
Charybdis.
Charyd.
Back on the ship and hiding who he is and oh! Look! We’re going to visit his family in the prison.
Unfortunately, Charyd cannot navigate worth half a ray of light, so I had to expend too many systems to cover up for his stupid mistakes and… my hull was scratched.
> Set reminder: send to Charyd, 5x an hour every hour: “Still not fixed by the way!”
Going through the Uncharted Waters…
> Open a new ticket, question the name ‘Uncharted Waters’ and file a complaint with the Intergalactic Council under the name Officer Charyd of the Cadoon Military.
…was an experience and a half. Without Charyd on board, I probably could’ve done it without even a single scratch.
Not only did he want to ‘help’, but he also decided to come up with the most stupid plan possible! Smoke bombs!! SMOKE BOMBS?! Who even uses those anymore??
And not just any smoke bombs but some that ended up reacting with the coating on my inner walls and they messed up my systems so bad that I thought I was done for! DONE FOR!!
And for what? So Charyd could get his family out of prison???
Okay.
Fine.
It was a good reason.
No need to harm the AI or the ship in the process though.
Fortunately for everybody, there was no bomb on the ship. Even more fortunately, Captain Ilise Posey – my closest and who I thought for the longest time would be my only friend – decided to join us as we escaped the planet.
If not for that shrimp, I could’ve done it all by myself!
But no!
She gets on the ship and the first thing she does is turn off half my systems??
> Set reminder: turn on sprinklers in Squilla’s room tonight in the middle of her REM cycle. Only the once. No need to torture the poor thing.
And then Ilise, my dear and amazing and so smart friend, makes the most stupid decision she’s probably ever made in her life. It hasn’t happened yet, but I know it’ll come back to bite her in the ass. And me too. Since she decided to lock Charyd in with me.
And the idiot, being the lovable idiot that he is, broke something! Seriously. Charyd. Get a hold of yourself. You’re a pirate!
No matter how much of a mess Charyd is though, he is a freaking spreadsheet with a formula for every cell when compared to those Exec idiots. Do they even know what Exec stands for?
> Open a new ticket, question the name ‘Exec’ and file a complaint with the Pirate Council under a randomly generated name. Include a few insults. Make it long. Make it really long. I think 10,000 words would do. Hide a secret message in the complaint that will decode to ‘Execs suck!!’.
And not only are they idiots, but they are idiots with guns!
My best friend – Ilise, if you haven’t gotten the point yet – ended up being hurt. I do have to say, while I hated seeing her in pain, I did get some amazing shots that I was able to edit with a beach setting in the background and I now have a folder on the cloud titled ‘Captains’ Marriage’.
Yes, the apostrophe is in the right place.
Yes. Ilise looks gorgeous in a red gown, but Charyd does pull it off much better while he’s carrying her around.
And then it was finally calm.
And, hopefully, Ilise learned what I first learned when I was with Charyd and the crew the first time.
They aren’t just a crew. They may not share blood or even species, but they are a family, and they love one another and treat one another as such. Pranks and all.
As we approach the station now to refuel and resupply, I can only hope that Ilise won’t try something drastic. They are good people. Yes, they are pirates, but they are good people.
And, from what I was able to glimpse past Squilla’s walls of Alice’s codes, if Ilise sticks to the plan, she will get to actually meet the blood relatives.
Well… time to start a new album of their wedding photos to include the in-laws. All of them.
Yes.
Even Squilla.
> End ship’s log.