Delilah continued to stand there as the words she wanted to say stayed locked inside of her mind. They couldn’t find the path to her mouth so all she could do was remain frozen in place. That silence confirmed Sebastian’s suspicions and he realized that asking that made her feel uncomfortable. He stood up and slowly approached her but she tensed up even more when he did. In her mind, he was coming to force an answer out of her and when he stood before her, she closed her eyes and winced. Suddenly, she felt the warm and gentle placement of his hand on her shoulder, his thumb gently rubbing it in hopes that it might calm her down.
“Hey, there’s no need to be afraid. I’m not going to hurt you if that’s what you’re thinking. I just wanted to talk. It’s just the two of us here so you can tell me anything, okay? I genuinely meant it when I said that I wanted to be friends with you so as your friend, I want you to trust me… besides, I trust you which is why I want to tell you some things about me but first, I need to know what they said so I can know how to explain things to you.”
She opened her eyes and looked at Sebastian. His face was close to hers so she could see him clearly. There was still that warm and friendly look… the type that wouldn’t hurt a fly staring back at her. He was still smiling and doing his best to ease her tensions. For some reason, that calming aura about him made her relax, albeit slightly. Even though she began speaking meekly, she eventually got more comfortable and told Sebastian everything they had said. When she was done explaining, Sebastian sighed and sat back down.
“So… You know the truth, then,” he said in a bit of a dejected tone.
“Wait… what they said was true!? You were the one that stopped bothering with them and not the other way around?”
“Yes… It’s true…”
“So, that means you… Lied to me?” she asked with a hint of pain in her voice.
Sebastian never wanted this moment to come. He had done his best to hide as much as possible from her to avoid this very scenario. However, he knew that he couldn’t hide it any longer. He owed her an explanation and if things ended here because of it, he was prepared to accept that fate. With a heavy sigh, he answered her.
“Yes. I lied to you but… It’s because I wasn’t ready to tell you all of that. Truth be told, I was really scared of how you would react if I had told you. You were nice enough to tell me about yourself, how you grew up, and the life that you had but… And I’m going to apologize here in advance because this might sound insensitive… Moving from city to city and never being able to keep a friend is a walk in the park compared to nearly being beaten to death by your father where the CTE you sustained from the beatings caused you to have delusions that weren’t real.”
Delilah was taken aback by that statement. While Sebastian’s dreams did depict his father as someone who had a lot of personal demons, they never painted the full picture. Delilah didn’t know what to make of that explanation; however, after everything Bryce had told her, she knew that there was more to be said.
“So, what’s the truth then?”
“This is going to be a bit of an explanation so you might want to take a seat. In fact, here, take mine because this container seems like the only thing that’s suitable to sit on.”
Delilah swapped places with him as he leaned up against a badly damaged concrete pillar that once served as a support for the warehouse’s roof. He let out a sigh as he crossed his arms and arched his leg up, pressing the flat of his foot against the pillar.
“It’s all true. I had no friends and, yes, I made up excuses when we first met because I didn’t want to be bothered by you. I’m sorry about that but after everything that happened, I truly did swear that I wouldn’t make another friend for as long as I lived… not because I was scared to trust them but because I was scared that I would end up hurting them as I did Bryce… and especially Kayla. The part about the fight where she grabbed my shoulder and I spun around and accidentally broke her nose is the complete truth. It also woke me up because I had felt so bad about hitting her, even if it was an accident, that I felt as if I didn’t deserve to have friends in my life anymore.”
“The thing is, Bryce told you that I started to hang out with them less and less after they had their camping trip without me. They must have told you that I was sick and couldn’t make it. From time to time, I would have flashbacks about my father. I was so young at the time… just five years old… so I don’t remember a lot of the details. I just remember seeing the flashing lights outside my window. My mother had had enough of the two of us getting abused and called the police while he was beating me. I remember hearing him argue with the officers when they arrived. Soon, there were some noises, as if there was a scuffle going on followed by a loud bang. I never heard my father’s voice again after that moment.”
“Being five years old with a severe concussion does things to your memories. I remember my mom telling me over and over again that everything was going to be okay now. In my visions, I pictured a courtroom where my father was sentenced for his crimes and where the lawyer told my Mom that they would get divorced. However, the reality was that it wasn’t a courtroom but a funeral parlor. We were saying our goodbyes to that rotten piece of shit and through it all, my mother kept telling me everything was going to be okay. I don’t know why I would remember a courtroom but I would suspect it was my mind not being satisfied with him getting the justice he deserved”
“As I got older, the visions became more and more real to me albeit less and less frequent. In fact, to this day, I still have some leftover mental trauma from everything that happened. Part of those visions was where Bryce, Kayla, and Shiloh were the ones who turned their backs on me and not the other way around. My mind was truly trying to justify my actions because I felt so guilty for everything that I did to them. When you tell yourself a lie enough times, you sometimes start to believe it. Add in CTE which tricks your mind into believing false memories and soon you can’t tell the difference between what’s real and what’s not anymore.”
“Plus, it made a convenient cover story to delay having this conversation. I thought that if I had lied to you, I could ease into the conversation and apologize for everything. I hoped that if I revealed the ugly truth, you would understand why I lied, other than just coming right out with everything and saying ‘Hey, I’m your friend now but trust me, I used to be a piece of shit that didn’t care about you or anyone else.’”
“So, since I admitted that I lied to you about being busy and not wanting to bother with you, you’re probably wondering why am I friends with you now. Why the change of heart? Even though I was cursing up a storm in my mind and wishing you would just leave me alone, I was trying to be polite. I was wrestling with myself because being nice to you reminded me of how I used to be when I had become friends with Bryce. Even though I desired a life of peace and quiet, you, who knew nothing, came up to me and were honestly trying to make a friend. I… just couldn’t bring myself to break your heart or be mean to you.”
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“I’m not going to lie anymore. I wanted to break your heart. I wanted to send you away so that you would leave me alone but… every time I tried to do that, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it and I asked myself over and over again the simple question of why. Then, one night, I had a dream that was just a series of memories strung together in the form of a nightmare. The fragmented memories about my father, the fabricated stories that I convinced myself were real about Bryce, Kayla, and Shiloh. I relived them all and when I woke up, something in my mind snapped and I realized that those fabricated stories were just that.”
“When I thought about everything you were doing, how hard you were trying to be my friend, it made me realize that maybe I deserved another chance… that I could find happiness once again. Part of me still feels like I don’t deserve any of this but for the first time since elementary school, I’m trying. I’m trying hard to move past everything and to find true happiness with a genuine friend. Your kindness made me realize that I was living a lonely and miserable life and I didn’t want that anymore.”
“And… if you’re scared that the trauma I suffered is going make me lash out at you, you don’t need to worry. That part mostly healed a long time ago. It will never fully heal but… I have these to help with it…”
Sebastian reached into his pocket and pulled out a bottle of pills, showing it to her before putting them away.
“The trauma I’m referring to now is my mental trauma of living my life the way that I had. How stupid I was to believe false memories that my mind tricked me into believing and how that ended up costing me the only friends I had in life. Every day I lived with that pain… I lived with that heartache… that I wasn’t meant to have friends or a happy life. Then you came along and showed me that I could. You made me realize that I could start over so that’s what I’m trying to do.”
“Delilah… you have no idea how sorry I am for lying to you but I didn’t want to hurt you. I didn’t want you to think I was a monster and reject me. I… I just thought that the more I could keep this from you, the better off we would be but… here we are. Everything is out in the open now so if you want to tell me to go to hell and run away, I’m prepared for that.”
Delilah sat there and hung onto his every word. He had just poured his heart out to her and while it stung to know that he had lied to her this entire time, hearing his explanation made her heart ache for him. What happened was beyond his control. A five-year-old child couldn’t possibly defend himself against a full-grown adult. A damaged mind conjuring false memories was also something beyond Sebastian’s control, too. At least he was trying to lay everything out on the table but given her past of being ridiculed, she had a habit of making sure of things and this instance was no different.
“I already told you my story. You already know that I’m starting over, too, so, I completely understand. I can’t imagine going through the things you’ve been through, though. I’m sorry that happened to you but despite all of that, I need to know something. Do you truly want to be my friend or would you rather go back to being alone?”
In the beginning, I looked for a golden opportunity just like this. A silver platter where all I had to do was reach out and take what lay upon it. I never imagined for even a second that the truth about my life would end up being the catalyst that would bring that silver platter before me. Now… I want nothing to do with that damn platter at all!
“Going back to my comfort zone of being alone is tempting, to be honest. There is still a piece of me that wants to do that but… that piece has gotten smaller and smaller every day. If I had been given this choice when we first met, I would have taken that offer in a heartbeat. I would go back home and sit in my room, play my video games, and listen to music in the dark. I would lie to my mom about going to a friend’s house for dinner and, instead, go sit in the park and look up at the stars all while enjoying the relaxing sounds of nature. That’s what the me from two weeks ago would do… but that’s not today’s me.”
“Today’s me wants nothing to do with the old me anymore. Today’s me doesn’t want a lonely and miserable life. Today’s me wants to keep being friends with you and wouldn’t think twice about it! While I could easily go back to the old me and go back to my regularly scheduled life, it would mean losing you! After everything you’ve done to show me that I can be happy and I can put my trust in someone, it would be like a dagger through my heart if we couldn’t be friends anymore so given the choice, I want to keep being friends with you!”
When he proclaimed that, it warmed her heart. Tears began to well up in her eyes as she looked up at him.
“I want to be friends with you, too. I want to keep hanging out with you! I want you to keep teaching me how to draw! I want you to keep being the first friend I made since my family stopped moving so I’m really happy that you chose that.”
Delilah lunged in and hugged him tightly. Normally, her hugs so far would only last a few moments but this one lasted for what seemed like an eternity. Sebastian could feel every inch of her pressing against his body and that sensation caused him to blush; however, he embraced it and hugged her back. Finally, she pulled back and looked him in the eyes. She wore a warm smile on her face and it made Sebastian think that she was getting ready to kiss him. He wasn’t sure if he was ready for something like that but then, those thoughts were instantly dispelled when she spoke up.
“So… Do you have any other secrets you want to tell me while we’re at it?”
I have no idea if I should even tell her. After everything that was said, the last thing that I would want to do is have a celebration. In what twisted world would someone admit that they lied to you and then ask you to have a good time? That’s weird but, then again, it’s only because it’s so close, and if I’m going to embark on this journey of having a friend and putting trust in them, despite the odd timing, I should tell her.
“Yes and no. It’s not a secret more than just something I haven’t told you about yet. After everything that was said, I don’t know if it’s something I should tell you.”
“Go ahead and tell me anyway. I mean, we’re friends, right?”
“Yeah… we are. In that case, Sunday is my birthday. Maybe you’d… like to hang out or something?”
“Hmm… Well… since today is Friday, we don’t have anything to do. Any homework we have can be done over the weekend so, how about we forget about the drawing lessons for today and head to the mall?”
“The mall? Why there?”
“Because somebody just said that their birthday is on Sunday and he deserves to get a gift… You expect a girl to show up empty-handed when she comes over to hang out with you?”
Sebastian chuckled to himself at the roundabout way in which she answered his question; however, he felt that she was going a bit too far for him.
“I appreciate that but you don’t need to bother. I don’t celebrate my birthday and, to be honest, just hanging out with you would be enough.”
“I never said anything about celebrating. I just said that I was going to get you a gift and that’s what we will do. If you don’t want to think of it as a birthday gift, then just think of it as a gift from me to you for being honest with me. We can call it a friendship gift if you prefer.”
“There’s no way out of it, is there?”
“Nope. We’re going to the mall one way or another.”
“I guess we’re going to the mall then.”
Delilah began to walk away; however, Sebastian remained still. When she sensed that he wasn’t following her, she turned around and glanced back at him. When their eyes met, he had a smile on his face.
“What?” she asked.
“Thank you.”
The tone and inflection in his voice were clear. He meant those two words more than any other that he had spoken. Hearing those words warmed her heart as well but she wasn’t about to get all mushy on him now, especially when they had some shopping to do. Instead, she took a couple of steps back and grabbed him by the wrist, leading him away.
“You’re welcome. Let’s go!”
With that, they were off to the mall. While it was a spontaneous decision, Sebastian didn’t regret it one bit.
I finally came clean and told her everything and she didn’t reject me! I was worried for nothing but still… the fact that she’s still willing to trust me gives me hope that I’ve made the right decision and… no… I can’t think like that anymore. I can’t doubt myself anymore. The proof that things can change is right here in front of me, leading me away. Who would’ve thought that a girl with black hair and who likes to wear dark colors would shine brighter than the sun?
However, this makes me wonder what would have happened had I come clean with Bryce and the others. They knew about the relationship I had with my father but they never knew exactly what my father did to me. Maybe if I explain that to them, I can repair the bridge I burned between us. Although, after everything that happened, they may never accept my friendship again. Oddly enough, I’m okay with that because I have someone who has accepted me.
Still, it might be worth trying. If Delilah has taught me anything today, it’s that nothing is out of the realm of possibility. If I do make that decision, I just hope that they are willing to listen.
Sebastian felt as if his world had been corrected and that he could truly find happiness in it once again. Those thoughts would carry him to the mall; however, little did he know that it wasn’t just shopping that awaited him.