Part 1: Fujino’s Descent into Madness – The Great Farming Fraud
Fujino staggered out of the Farming Guild, his mind cracked beyond repair.
He had battled heroes, survived divine retribution, and endured three years of humiliating defeats.
> But THIS?! THIS WAS TRUE DESPAIR.
Three months for a permit? HELL NO.
“Fine. If the system won’t let me farm, I’ll just cheat the damn system.”
Thus began Fujino Tetsuya’s Greatest Heist.
Phase 1: The Birth of ‘Farmer Tetsu’
First things first. A new identity.
Fujino ran to a cheap disguise shop and bought:
✔A straw hat
✔A pair of overalls
✔A fake mustache that looked suspiciously evil
He looked at himself in a dirty mirror.
“…Perfect. No one will recognize me.”
Ignoring the fact that he still had crimson demon eyes, unnatural spiky hair, and an aura of dark magic leaking out of his body.
> “I am now… Farmer Tetsu.
A humble man of the soil.”
Phase 2: Illegal Farming Begins
Since he couldn’t get a permit, he decided to just farm in secret.
> “If no one SEES me farming… then legally, I’m not farming.”
This was foolproof logic.
So, in the middle of the night, he snuck onto his own land and started illegally planting crops under the cover of darkness.
> “It’s just one carrot. It’s not a crime. It’s a victimless—”
Suddenly, a siren blared.
A spotlight shined down on him from a flying golem.
“UNAUTHORIZED FARMING DETECTED.”
Fujino screamed.
> “WHO THE HELL PUTS SURVEILLANCE DRONES OVER A FIELD?!”
The golem shot a warning flare.
“PLEASE OBTAIN A PERMIT OR CEASE AGRICULTURAL ACTIVITIES.”
> “SCREW YOU, YOU OVERGLORIFIED ROOMBA!”
He grabbed his farming hoe and lobbed it at the golem. It bounced off harmlessly.
“…Oh no.”
The golem’s **eyes
Phase 3: The Agricultural Apocalypse
The golem’s eyes turned red.
“AGGRESSIVE ACTION DETECTED. INITIATING COUNTERMEASURES.”
A magic circle appeared beneath Fujino’s feet.
“WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, I TAKE IT BACK—”
BOOM.
A blast of wind magic sent him spiraling through the air, flipping like an unpaid circus act.
His body crashed into the dirt several meters away, making an impact crater in his own farm.
Smoke rose from his body.
He weakly raised a fist.
“THEY’RE SUPPRESSING THE FARMERS… WAKE UP, SHEEPLE…”
He coughed up a carrot seed and promptly collapsed.
Phase 4: Tactical Retreat (A.K.A. Running Like Hell)
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Fujino dragged his broken body back to his shack, crawling through the dirt like a man escaping a failed military operation.
"Just... wanted... to farm..."
He reached his front door, grabbed the handle—
And it broke off in his hand.
“WHY IS MY LIFE LIKE THIS?!”
He fell face-first onto his own floor.
For a long moment, he just lay there, motionless, staring at the ceiling.
"Alright. Fine. Farming is too dangerous. I'm giving up. I'm done. I'm quitting before I get put on a government watchlist."
…
Five minutes later.
Fujino sat up.
His eyes gleamed with unhinged determination.
“NO. I REFUSE TO BE DEFEATED BY BUREAUCRACY.”
He slammed his fists into the ground.
"I AM A FORMER DEMON LORD! I FOUGHT HOLY ARMIES! I SURVIVED LORAINE'S STUPID HOLY SWORD!"
He pointed at the sky like a madman.
"I'LL FARM, EVEN IF IT KILLS ME!"
Phase 5: The Counterattack – Black Market Farming
If legal farming was impossible…
Then there was only one solution.
The black market.
Fujino put on a cloak, lowered his straw hat, and ventured into the dark underbelly of the city.
Shady merchants, back-alley deals, whispers of forbidden trade…
He approached a man in a hooded robe, sitting behind a wooden stall.
Fujino: “I hear you sell… contraband.”
Merchant: “That depends. What are you looking for?”
Fujino: “…Turnip seeds.”
Merchant: “…My god.”
The merchant pulled out a tiny cloth bag, glancing around nervously.
Merchant: "These are illegal imports from the Free Farming Territories... Very rare, very dangerous..."
Fujino: "How much?"
Merchant: "50,000 gold."
Fujino choked.
“ARE YOU SELLING CROPS OR A DAMN HOUSE?!”
His screams echoed through the alleyway.
Phase 6: Fujino’s Last Gamble – The Ritual of Demonic Farming
Fujino’s patience was wearing thin. After failing every conceivable route to farm legally or buy black-market goods, he was left with only one option. His final, desperate gamble.
“Fine. If I can’t farm legally, and I can’t afford the black market, then I have only one option left—”
“—I’ll use DEMONIC AGRICULTURE!”
Fujino took a deep breath, trying to center himself. He clenched his fists as he focused his will.
"I’ve suffered for too long. This will be my revenge… and my chance to farm!"
With a dramatic flourish, he called upon his power.
“RISE, MY DARK CROPS—”
The ground beneath his feet trembled ominously, the air growing thick with dark energy. The soil beneath his feet twisted and darkened, and an ominous red aura radiated outward from the center of his field.
"YES! YES! IT'S WORKING—"
But then, suddenly—
BOOM.
A massive explosion of cursed vines erupted from the ground. They whipped around in a frenzy, smashing fences, tearing through the soil, and uprooting trees. Fujino barely had time to react before one vine slapped him across the face, sending him flying through the air like a ragdoll.
“GAH! WHY DOES EVERYTHING I DO END IN DISASTER?!”
The vines didn’t stop there. They continued wreaking havoc, lashing out at anything and everything in their path. One vine caught him around the waist, and before he could scream, it yanked him into the air and tossed him across the field like a skipping stone on a pond.
CRASH!
He landed headfirst into a large pile of compost, the smell of decay immediately filling his nostrils. Fujino groaned, his body twitching in frustration.
“I hate my life.”
As he lay there, trying to gather his wits, he heard the unmistakable hum of the golem drones approaching again. Panic surged through him as he scrambled to his feet, looking for any way out of this nightmare.
And that’s when he saw it—a glowing floating scroll appearing in front of him, with an official-looking seal at the top.
"What now…?!"
The scroll unfolded, slowly revealing a new set of requirements—this time, for using his demonic magic for farming.
"For successful use of demonic magic in agricultural cultivation, the following steps must be completed:"
Nude Ritual of the Plow: “The farmer must be stripped of all worldly garments to ensure a pure connection to the land.”
Leaf Coverage Clause: “The farmer is required to cover their most sensitive areas with leaves of natural origin for modesty.”
Ceremonial Dance of the Demon Soil: “The farmer must perform a sacred dance while chanting ancient farming incantations to properly channel demonic energy.”
Headgear Requirement: “Two unlit candles must be placed atop the farmer’s head to symbolize the union between the farmer and the divine soil.”
Fujino stared at the scroll, his eyes wide.
**“Are you KIDDING ME?! I’ve already had enough of this! You want me naked—**with leaves—and candles on my head to farm?!”
The scroll shimmered in front of him, as if it was completely serious.
“I didn’t sign up for this!”
His frustration boiled over as he fumbled around, pulling off his tunic, pants, and anything else he could get his hands on. His body was now completely naked—save for the leaves he quickly grabbed from a nearby tree.
The leaves were not a perfect fit. They were awkwardly placed, covering him in a less-than-dignified way, but it was all he had.
Next came the candles. Of course, there were no conveniently placed candles lying around. So, in a moment of desperation, he grabbed two random lit candles that a nearby merchant had been carrying in his cart earlier that day and plopped them directly on his head.
"WHY DOES EVERYTHING IN THIS WORLD MAKE NO SENSE?! THIS IS ABSURD!"
But there was no turning back. He took a deep breath, summoned all his resolve, and tried to stand proud in the middle of the field.
"Alright, Fujino. Time to do this. For farming... and for the sake of your sanity!"
With a deep, dramatic sigh, he took the ceremonial stance.
Step One—he began the demonic dance. His body jerked awkwardly as he spun in circles, flailing his arms about like a madman, chanting something that only vaguely resembled the farming incantations he had read in the scroll.
“What is this? Some kind of... weird anime filler episode?!”
As he danced, the ground began to tremble once again. His dark aura flared around him, but this time, it felt… different. There was a faint pulse of energy—something powerful that seemed to respond to his ridiculous performance.
For a moment, it seemed like the land might actually respond. The soil began to stir, the air thick with magic.
But—
WHAM!
A vine shot up from the ground, smacking Fujino across the chest and throwing him into the air again.
"WHY?! WHY DOES IT KEEP HAPPENING?!"
The vine that had knocked him away spontaneously decided to drag him back into the compost pile, nearly suffocating him under its weight.
He lay there for a moment, too exhausted to move.
“Well, this is what I get for trying to farm. Naked. With leaves. And candles on my head. Everything is ruined.”
The golem drones circled overhead again, their mechanical voices ringing down at him.
“Farming ritual complete. Approval granted.”
Fujino stared up at them, his face flushed with embarrassment, exhaustion, and complete disbelief.
"I just wanted to farm… I just wanted a normal life… Is that so much to ask?"
The golems hovered overhead in their ever-distant, emotionless way.
“Approved. May your crops grow strong, Farmer Tetsu.”
And with that, the drones vanished, leaving Fujino laying half-naked, covered in dirt and compost, and with an emotional, physical, and mental wound far too deep to heal.
"I hate my life."