Chapter 16 – The Light and the Dark of Mecchen House (cont.)
Jamie checked himself when she was gone and let out a long sigh of relief. He turned to me. “So, we take care of things with Ami’s room. And then we… what?”
I really didn’t have an answer for that, but I had a few ideas. “We could try Carolyn. We could return to the library. Find Nina. Et cetera. There are tons of leads.”
“But very little time ‘till things run out for us.”
Never mind that Jamie was content to sit on his rear and let time run out a little while ago.
Ms. Ishida’s eyes dwindled. “You’re going to leave again? All three of you? How long will you be gone?” She looked concerned.
“We need to investigate beyond Mecchen, at the very least,” I told her.
She ground her hands together. “Of course. I understand that but having you three around really means a lot to me, especially in the afternoon when everyone is away and it’s just me.”
Jamie rubbed above an eye. “Well, you could go out too.”
She seemed embarrassed. “I try to limit that as much as possible. It gives me a great deal of anxiety. I just have classes. They’re small classes, so I can manage. I just feel strange going out, like I’m about to lose myself if I go too far. I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t saddle you with my problems. Please, do what you must.”
Nathan reached out for her hands. “I’ll stay with you!” Ms. Ishida smiled. Jamie seemed ready to say something, but I poked him on the shoulder. He glared back but didn’t say anything. I felt being with Ms. Ishida would be good for both of them.
The parade of exiting girls continued as Ami ambled out a moment later. She moved slowly and without enthusiasm. Her face panned over us and lingered on me. “My room is yours to do what you need to do with it. Don’t trouble yourselves too much.”
My heart resonated with Ami. No matter what doubts I had about what to do for myself and my friends, Ami brought my spirit out. I told her, “We all care for you. We won’t let anything hurt you.”
She couldn’t meet my eyes. “Life hurts me. I’m not ready for it. I’m not ready for everything that’s come at me. It’s overwhelming. It feels so wrong and painful.”
Ms. Ishida stepped closer to her and offered, “You’re young. You’re feeling things for the first time. Don’t worry. Time will heal the pain.”
Ami pulled her school bag close to her. “I have a dream where I’m floating in a small room. It’s like I don’t have a body anymore. My feelings are simple and nice. It’s the greatest dream I can imagine. I wish that were my life. I wish I didn’t have all this complexity in my life. It feels like home. This world feels like raw flesh burned with salt.”
She knit her hands around the bag in her arms, pulling it even closer. Jamie fiddled with the pins in his long hair. Ms. Ishida took another step. Nathan lingered just behind her. And I watched Ami’s face.
She looked so peaceful when she talked about her dream. I couldn’t imagine such a fate as anything but a nightmare.
I said, in soft words, “I’d like to help you…”
She straightened. “Don’t worry about me. Let me be and let what happens… happen.” Her words seemed to dodge out of the way of any comment of encouragement I could imagine. She wouldn’t give me an inch to work my way in. But I couldn’t relent.
“I refuse to let that happen. I won’t leave you alone.” Something felt cold around my ear, like the breath of an icy giant. I turned, and it receded. I turned back. Ami was leaving. I had only one last chance. I grabbed her and locked my arms around her in a hug. She stood there, rigid as a mannequin.
I said the same words to her again. I tried speaking them with stronger insistence. I grit my teeth. I tried new words, in the hope they would kindle something positive inside Ami. Her head was low. The muscles in her neck looked tight. She didn’t press out of my grasp. She just stood there as I spoke. I felt as though nothing I could say would help. Her every gesture seemed to withhold discussion.
And then, she slipped away with a glance. I didn’t hold her back. I sighed and turned to the others as she vanished through the hallway. Ms. Ishida seemed pensive, and Nathan mirrored her from behind. Jamie looked irritated, as though he would’ve thought of plenty to say to Ami, if he so wished, but probably would’ve received a potent slap to the face for his efforts.
A yellow blur came down the hall, and a wave of air followed in her wake. Tara.
She went right for Jamie and hugged him tightly. She wore the same uniform as the other girls, but her bag was wrapped around her like an alien back-hugger. Jamie didn’t fall back this time. He looked down at Tara. He fidgeted a bit and asked, “Umm… Is there something you wanted?”
Tara stared back at him and blinked. She looked around, then back at him. She said, “There was something, but I think I forget. Sowwy. But I gave you a hug! I hope you liked it!”
She released Jamie and smiled. He gave her a weird expression. Then, a moment passed. He motioned to speak, paused, and then rocked his legs around. He dashed back onto the couch.
“NO! NOO! Get away from me! What did you do?!? WHAT DID YOU DO??” He pulled at his pants and added, “No, no, no… This is all wrong. What happened to me…?”
“Jamie-kun? What happened? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you.” Tara leaned her head to one side with concerned eyes looking out. He kept fussing with his pants. Nathan took a step closer.
Jamie muttered to himself. “Maybe… It just got numbed… Or pressed or something.” He moved like he was trying to shake something loose. I had a hunch about what was up. He… Or rather she, was due. If I was right.
Jamie started jumping up and down. Tara joined in with a smile. Jamie whimpered. “No. It’s not true. You did it! Didn’t you?!?” Jamie fixed his/her gaze right on Tara. “It’s her fault. That hug did something to me. I was fine till then.”
Tara’s massive, blue eyes were glassy. “I’m sorry, Jamie-kun. I want to fix it. What can I do? What happened?”
[https://i.imgur.com/3x7uPM4.jpg]
[Closest thing I have to a sad Tara, as sketched by Alexis Rillera/Anirhapsodist]
Jamie glared and curled his mouth around a choice of words. He stood up from the couch with heavy foot motions. Jamie kept his legs far apart. He scolded her, “You can’t fix it.”
She reached a hand out. “Can I try? I want to. Tell me what happened to make you feel bad. I don’t want you to feel bad, Jamie-kun. I want you to feel good. I can do better hugs.”
He pressed teeth into his lower mouth-line. His gaze wavered. “I don’t want to talk about it. I’m still hoping I’m okay. I just feel wrong.”
Tara looked around at me and Nathan, then back to Jamie. “Is it… Are you a girl like your friends now, Jamie-kun?”
“I AM NOT A GIRL! I will never ever be one. EVER! Just because someone or something is causing all this to me, does not mean I’m changed. No matter how I look, I always remain a boy.”
All of this, Jamie proclaimed with light, girlish gestures and a potent, yet feminine tone. It evoked Katsumi and reminded me of what happened to myself and Nathan. There was not a boy left in Mecchen. Katsumi’s promises were well-kept, even though it may not have been her responsibility.
All the questions and concerns about gender identity, which I tucked beneath mysteries and darkened rooms, came floating back. Did ‘Arisu’ truly define me now? Was that my name? What about ‘Kimi’ and ‘Keiko’ for Jamie and Nathan? I had an easier time imagining ‘Keiko’, especially with that gently-concerned look on her face.
Keiko reached out to Jamie. “Please. Don’t be angry at Tara. Be angry at me instead, if you must. I’m the source from which all this has rippled outward. If not for what I did, we’d all be at home going about our normal routine.”
Jamie’s small hand clenched into a ridged-ball. He didn’t stand much of a chance if he wanted to attack Keiko, despite their similar height. He bent his arms a little, back and forth, like working an invisible machine. Ms. Ishida seemed ready to step between them if it came to blows. Tara made the next move by hugging them both and squeezing them together in the process. Jamie’s eyes bulged, and his hands went back in a defensive posture. Keiko gave Jamie as much respectful distance as Tara’s hold would allow.
Tara looked up with her vast, sky-like eyes. “I just want everyone to be happy.” Jamie leaned his head back, gave a slow snort, and said, “Yeah, I know. But you did want me to be a girl. What am I supposed to think?”
You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.
“Just for fun. I don’t want anything to hurt you. If you’ll have a happy, super-duper smile forever and ever, I’ll make sure you’re the burliest guy the world has ever seen. Promise! I’ll do everything I can. And you can still be magical too!”
It was a bright and emphatic promise. And it seemed to warm Jamie.
He waited for Tara to release him from the hug, dipped his head in a slight bow, and said, “Alright. Well, I need to use the restroom.”
Ms. Ishida followed after him till he said, “I-I’ll do it myself.”
She kept back, with her hands lingering at the fringes of her apron. Tara swirled around and looked at each of us. She asked me, “Do you think that helped?”
I told her, “I’ll make sure Jamie is alright.”
She beamed again, the glass cleared from her eyes. “Yay! Make sure Jamie-kun is super happy and giddy! Together we can do it!” She bounded near the restroom, shouted “JAMIE-KUN IS THE BEST!!”, then darted off through the hallway.
In the quiet, I snuck over near the shut door to the bathroom. I leaned against the wall to the side. Ms. Ishida and Keiko stayed back a ways. I pressed the back end of an ear against the wall. I couldn’t hear very well, but I felt what was going on.
I could sense Jamie breathing deeply, probably to calm himself. Something moved, likely clothes. Something settled to the ground. He kicked it away. Something leaned against the wall inside. I imagined he was doing the same things I did. He had to see the changes by now. Despite the all-but-certainty of the change, I kept thinking of Jamie in the male pronoun.
I expected him to curse, yell, and scream. I could just feel his feet moving across the tile. He made no sound. I edged away. I kept quiet company with a curious Ms. Ishida and Keiko.
Several minutes later, Jamie emerged, fully dressed, and brushed back the bright, now-disheveled expanse of his hair. Keiko fingered a lock of her own hair sympathetically and offered, “I can fix your hair, if you need help.”
Ms. Ishida added, “And if you need a change of clothes.”
He held a hand out. “I don’t… need anything. Please.” His eyes searched around and eventually found me. He cleared a bit of roughness out of his small voice and said, “So, are we going to clean up that room, or go find some answers, or what?”
I stared at Jamie. He pressed back his cloak of blond hair and scratched his ear.
I asked him, “Are you sure?”
He said back quickly, “Yeah, of course.”
“I mean it’s pretty clear something happened to you…”
“It happened. It’s over. Now we have to do what we can to restore our bodies and get ourselves back to where we belong. And I’m ready for that.” His words weren’t growled. He didn’t sneer as he spoke or turn away. He looked right at me. His face was soft with small features, his voice sounded with a different tone, and his body was a fraction of its former shape. And yet, the spirit of Jamie, which only appeared in glimpses beneath a rocky, impenetrable shell, held steady.
He punched a fist into his hand a few times, like an anxious baseball player without a glove. Keiko came closer, and Jamie gave her a pat on the arm and a thumbs up. It didn’t take long for Keiko to get encouraged as well. The spirit I saw her display at her father’s gym came spilling out.
Keiko passed the feeling to Ms. Ishida. The springy, corkscrew-like curls at the back of Ms. Ishida’s hair almost seemed to tighten. She raised an arm high. I was not immune from the infectious feeling either, as I launched us into a cheer of, “Yeah! Time to clean!”
-----
Some of my enthusiasm evaporated when we opened the door to Ami’s room, cleansers and bags in our gloved hands.
Jamie quipped, “It definitely grew overnight.” His dusty-tinted eyes scoured the room. He cracked his knuckles through the gloves. “Now time to finish it off.”
I had to hold back Jamie as he worked, noting my promise to Ami.
“Oh, come on,” he replied. “How much of this do you actually expect her to remember being here?” He fanned a hand of homework slips which showed high marks.
I reminded him again, “I gave her my word that we wouldn’t throw things away.”
Nathan backed me up, “It’s her room. We need to be careful with it.”
Jamie didn’t grumble. He set the paper in a neat pile.
I had to remind Ms. Ishida as well when she tried to slip a stained magazine into her bag. She blushed, apologized, and set it in the magazine pile by holding the unstained edge of the spine. We ended up conceding that used foodstuffs were fair game and clothes would at least be folded in one area of the room. This resulted in the floor blooming from the winter cover of trash. It looked quite nice, despite the burden it had been forced to shoulder.
Ms. Ishida gave it a slow massage with her sponge. Jamie smoothed out the sheets on Ami’s bed. Keiko put her new muscles to work. A glow returned to her face as she rubbed back and forth against a particularly-gooey spot after plucking the tangled barbs of used plastic from around it.
I stood and helped Jamie by holding one end of the sheets. I wanted to talk to him about what happened, but I didn’t want to jeopardize the mood since the darkness felt much further away now. I coughed. He looked over at me and raised his pencil-mark eyebrows.
After rejecting countless, obvious questions, I settled on asking, “Anything you want to talk about?”
“What do you mean?” He gave the blanket a hard shake, which rippled the end out of my grip. I bent over to tuck my edge.
“I mean I’m offering my ear for anything you’d like to talk about.”
“Nothing to talk about here…”
He coiled the excess on his end of the blanket into a roll and plunged it into the crease between the mattresses. At first, it wouldn’t go. I offered to help, but he waved me off. He grunted and pushed a few more times until the material sunk deep inside. Jamie gave a lingering sigh and made sure everything was snug. I raised an eyebrow but didn’t say anything.
He sat down on the smooth bed and cracked his neck. “We’re making some progress. I really wish we could toss some of this junk away. What a packrat she is. What do you even see in her?”
I sat on the other side of the bed and picked through a set of books near the foot of it. “See in her?”
He picked up a few things as well and smiled at me. “I think it's assumed if Katsumi and she were both in danger of falling off a cliff, then you'd try to save Ami first.”
He had me there. “I'd prefer not to be in such a situation where I have to choose like that…”
Keiko frowned. “That's a horrible choice to have to make! I'd try to save both at the same time or die trying.”
Jamie crossed his legs on the bed. “Then all of you would die. Sometimes you just need to make a choice between two evils.” He moved them around a little, sighed, and then uncrossed them.
I held a book to my head and asked, “Could we please leave the cliff behind?”
“Sure. Point is, there is something about her for you. I can relate. There’s something about Tara for me. I’ll admit that. She’s an encouraging presence. But, also, like pure joy.” He then softly inquired, “...Was she alright when she left?”
Ms. Ishida folded a shirt over her arm, nodded to Jamie, and assured him, “Her joy was undimmed.”
He looked relieved and set his items back on the floor in an orderly pile. “So, what is Ami for you? Why her?”
I stood and took the books to an area near what seemed to be a shelf. I told him, honestly, “I just don’t know. I mean she is pretty. But there’s just something about her that appeals to me. And I definitely want to help her in whatever ways I can. I can’t give you any one reason. I mean I’ve had my disagreements with her, but ultimately… Her presence feels familiar and comforting.”
“That’s how Miki feels when I think about her,” Keiko jumped in. “And she’s so supportive too.” Then, we all turned to Ms. Ishida. I felt hot in the face. Keiko stammered a bit, but Ms. Ishida stopped her short with a laugh. “To see a smile on someone’s face because of something I did is all the acknowledgement I need.”
I told her, “I just want to say, Ishida-san, you’ve done so much for us. Thank you for everything.”
She bowed her head and slipped some magazines into a nearby pile. “It is an honor. I just wish I could do more.”
Jamie gave a nod himself, then looked to me, “So, does it seem like this is helping any? Sense that dark thing around? Because I can’t tell.”
I turned around a few times. It still felt like it had pulled back and was lingering just out of sight.
“It’s better than before,” I said. “Still, it hasn’t quite been exorcised. It just feels weaker.”