Chapter 14 - The Hopes of Mecchen House (cont.)

I frowned and told him, “She seems to have as many questions as we do.”

He gritted his teeth. “And what would you know about it?”

I told him what I learned. I gave him the fragments of Nana’s past, as they were given to me. I expressed the feelings I felt when listening to her.

“You know I don’t believe her… but I suppose short of threatening her somehow, and I doubt she’d be susceptible to that… there’s not much we can do about that. Maybe if we ask to use her equipment and chat directly with ‘Hitomi’ we might be able to get some answers. Or at least we’ll be able to prove or disprove her as a crazy schizo.”

“Do you really think that might help?”

He leaned against the trunk with its dark-lined wrinkles. “Well, I was considering staying at Carolyn’s home… but with the way things are going, and our natural antagonism, I don’t know. I really have no interest in just sitting around waiting for what comes next. Reading those cryptic books doesn’t seem to help any. Only a freak like Nana would understand them. And yet, I actually feel at home in my room at Mecchen. None of it makes any sense. We find ourselves on a strange path which suddenly leads to another world where people are made of ink and paint instead of flesh and blood, crumpled buses hit nothing but air, mysterious papers suddenly appear, friends and strangers suddenly change sexes, there's lost time, cross-dressing, body-changes, strange recipes, impossible old photos, precognition, and more questions about it all than my brain can even form. I. Just. Want. Some. ANSWERS! Why did it happen? What does it mean? What is this place? How do we get home? Who are these people? WHY ARE WE HERE!? What am I doing here?”

I crouched beside him as he hid his face. I put a hand on his shoulder. He was shaking but he didn’t lean away from my grasp. He said, “I want my own face back. I’d even settle for that drawn version of it I had when we first arrived. Anything but this…”

I wished I had a voice which truly motivated. But no, I had the voice of an observer, no matter how it sounded now. I tried to find something to say, and I thought of Nina.

She was strange, and I still wasn’t sure if she was behind any of this or not, but her energy grabbed me. There was something about her that just fired me up. But would words like that help Jamie? Carolyn always motivated Jamie to action when they were together. But what would either of them say in a situation like this?

I took a deep breath and asked, “Why? Why settle?”

“I don’t want to be a girl! If I can just be some semblance of what I really am then I can cope, but not with all these changes. I mean you don’t want to be a girl… do you? Or Nathan?” I worried we were moving in the wrong direction, but he seemed to be trembling less.

I offered my thoughts. “I think Nathan could easily slip into the role of a girl, but I don’t know if he’d do it for the right reasons. I might get by myself, if I absolutely had to, but we’ll see. I don’t have the desire to break any more mirrors at least.”

His head drooped. “So… I’m alone. I really am the only one who wants to get back home and back to myself.”

I remembered Nana’s question and said to him, “I’m here. You are not alone.”

He looked over at me. Those crystalline tears were back. “I look down at my legs and they’re cute. I glance at my hand and it’s feminine. I feel a curtain of hair over my back. I wish I could just slip it off. And I look in the mirror, and I see a frightened little girl. I thought my emotions were dead and I was better off without them. But I feel each and every one of them. I feel scared. I feel uncertain. I miss people. I miss home. And I feel… other things too.”

He pressed his hands into his legs. “I feel so scared to even think it, as though the world will shatter if I form the words.”

“Think what?”

Jamie looked very uncomfortable. He crouched close. “Ever since the day I chanced upon your ad in the paper for a roommate and showed up at the apartment, I’ve had....a huge crush on you.”

He hid his face and whimpered. Even my tenuous words left me. Speaking through his hands, he said a muffled, “I was so scared I was gay, but I didn’t feel the same for any other guy. Sure, I’ve always felt a kind of companionship for Nathan but it’s just not the same thing.”

Finally, I found something to say. “What does it feel like?”

“I’ve never really been in love. Not with Carolyn or anyone. But when I was near you, I knew, no matter if we fought, no matter how stupid I was, that it would be okay, that you were there, and that made everything alright. You were like a warm fire. I’d just take in the feeling when you were in the apartment. I didn’t want to go anywhere else.”

“Do you feel it now?”

He was quiet, and his feet fidgeted. I couldn’t see his face, but he looked embarrassed. “I feel… something. I mean… I never ever wanted to do anything weird with you. When you touch me though… I feel really nice. I imagine you hugging me and holding me close. I imagine you smiling at me. And I feel warm…”

He pressed his face and groaned. I slipped my hand away. “That doesn’t sound so bad. I mean I imagine intense brotherly feelings might not be too far from that. I don’t have a brother and all but…” I trailed off. I was trying.

I tried a different tact. “Listen. You are my friend and it doesn’t bother me a bit. I mean I never really had any close relationships with the opposite sex. I hung out with Carolyn and people from my job sometimes. But mostly it was just you, Nathan, and my family.”

“Do you remember your family yet?”

It was the same, hazy details as before. Jamie didn’t remember any more either. I felt like I was doing a pretty poor job of consoling him.

I assured him. “We will figure it out and we will be okay.”

“How?”

“I don’t know yet.”

He looked at me. “You’re really still my friend after hearing that?”

“Of course.”

“What’s wrong with you?! Who would ever want to be a friend of such a messed-up guy like me?”

I shrugged and said, “I want to be.”

He sighed. “Well, I guess whatever sexual issues won’t matter for very long. It’s not as fatal for girls to hug and be affectionate to one another.” That sounded harsh.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

“We don’t even know how things are in this world.”

“Well, Reiko and Sumi seem to be keeping things private, but Carolyn looked fine.”

“You really think those two are… involved?” I didn’t want to assume, although there was mounting evidence.

Jamie shrugged. “It’d make sense. But then not much makes sense around here, so I dunno.”

A light wind was flowing back towards the opening of the path. “Come on. We should get back for breakfast. It looked good.”

“I don’t know if I can eat. I just feel… like nothing will help. Like I’m in a mechanism that’s barreling down a hill, and I can’t stop it. I really don’t want to be a girl, no matter if it makes my feelings for you less weird. I just want to be me, safe in my skin.”

Remembering my dream and feeling the same questions in my thoughts, I offered to Jamie, as much to myself, the words, “I’m just a listener. All I can tell you is… do what you can. Figure out where you fit now. Keep sight of who you are and who you want to be. You have to set goals.”

“You’re starting to sound like Miki. Eh. I feel so helpless. I can’t even gather the energy to yell anymore. I can’t make a plan. The books make no sense to me. I’m no scientist who can open up wormholes. If none of the girls is the one responsible for all this then what can we do? I’d question Carolyn, but she seems to know even less. Maybe I can just hide, and it all will ease off and forget about me in time…”

I squeezed Jamie’s shoulder. “But I won’t forget about you. Alright, you need something? I got something. You’re gonna help me clean Ami’s room. You’re gonna help me track down mysteries and piece together problems. You’re going to help. We’re going to work things out. And we’re also going to enjoy things every once in a while.”

Jamie looked surprised, and that last one sounded weird even to me. But I remembered the vision of the city at night, the smells, the sensations, the experiences. I thought, if we really were doomed to some fate, if we truly were being digested by some greater force, then what purpose did it serve to sit around and languish in solemn sadness till we eroded away to nothing? Feeling, fighting, hitting things, moving, being in contact with this world was not only better than listless despair, but it might well be able to free us or reveal the secrets.

I pointed out all this to Jamie with a calm passion, an urgency to break his stupor. I hadn’t had much success when Nathan lost his mother’s face. That was a group effort and affected by Ami passing out. Now, it was just me. This had to work. I put all my effort into it and sat back to observe the results.

The surprise slowly ebbed away from Jamie’s face. He straightened his back and let his hands fall at his sides. He let out a breath, uttered a cute little curse, and said, “You’re right. This won’t beat me. And heck, even if it does, I’ll show it. I’ll make it wish it’d never caught me. I’ll give it the biggest load of indigestion you’ve ever seen.”

He rose to his feet, his fists clenched tight, then staggered backward. I stood and steadied him. It took me a moment to realize I was looking down at him and he wasn’t crouching.

It didn’t deter him any. “Oh, yeah? You think you can beat me just by shrinking me again? It won’t work on me. We are so going to beat you!” He shook a small fist at the sky through the trees. His pants slid around, and his shirt looked loose. They didn’t slip off though. His shoes looked even looser than mine. And I figured I was next for a final reduction.

Jamie brushed his long hair back and checked things. He said a soft, “It’s alright. I can find some kids' clothes. Back to being small again. Do I look decent? Nothing falling off?”

I looked him over. He looked like a girl trying to wear her boyfriend’s too-large clothes. I decided not to mention that thought. I just said, “You look fine.”

He brushed the hair out of his eyes. “I can’t get over my face though. I can’t get over your face either. How are the cuts on your arms?” I checked them. I peeled back a bandage. The skin underneath looked perfect. I rubbed it. No scratches. I pinched the flesh to prompt bleeding. Nothing. I pulled off another bandage. The same.

I rolled them up into one wad and rubbed my arms. He touched my arms too. “Well. At least there are some benefits to this weird place.”

I stuffed the bandages in my pocket and looked at Jamie. He moved slowly and looked down the path of trees. “So… we head back?”

“As soon as you’re ready.”

He looked at my arm, then up at my face. “Can I walk behind you?”

“Sure.”

Jamie didn’t hold my hand, but he lingered in my wake as we left the pathway. The light wind pressed us onward, and the area had come alive. Little kids waited at the bus stop. One girl of light brown hair with pink ribbons twirled between a small group of girls and boys. She looked over at us and waved exuberantly. She bounded over and held out something for Jamie. She gave one to me too.

“The flowers are blooming! Festival!” She twirled around and laughed like Tara. The wind flowed around her but didn’t seem to disturb her. She waved and rushed back to her friends by the bus stop.

We looked at what she’d given us. We’d each received a little, pink folded paper flower. The address of a shrine was written on the back. Jamie turned the flower over in his hands and then tucked it in a pocket.

He looked at me. “You know anything about a flower festival?”

“Just from anime shows. It’s a Japanese thing. I know there’s like a week when the cherry blossoms are at their best.”

“You mean those?” He pointed in the distance.

Across the hilly swells and flows of Ogawa, there were gentle points of color dotting the landscape. They were in early, hesitant bloom like pale cotton candy. I saw a far-off riverbank lined with specks of white which looked ready to explode.

The wind was still. The young day was warm. We walked together through relaxed clusters of travelers and drew the attention of no one. On the steps to Mecchen, I looked back across the city.

I had no reason to hope. Somewhere in my thoughts, I knew things would only get bad again. And yet, at that moment looking out at the great bloom of the sun, I didn’t care.

I was not alone.

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