Jenkins

I fidgeted in front of the door to Shepard's room. She had moved from the room at the end of the hall with the rest of us into Anderson’s old room. This gave her faster access to the C.I.C. but it also meant that anyone who came to visit her in her room was seen by nearly everyone.

I don’t know why talking to Shepard now worried me, or why people seeing me doing it made it worse somehow. I felt like we had an understanding with each other after all we had been through over the past few days, but I still couldn’t shake a sense of anxiety.

It was weird because overall I was in the best mood I had been in days. It felt amazing to finally be able to tell someone everything. Even if the one I told was an AI, Beta had grown so much since our encounter a few days ago. He was understanding and showed empathy and care in responding to my story. He believed me, and while he still had no suggestion for how this had even happened, his understanding was enough to provide a comfort I didn’t know I needed.

Then he told me about EDI. Well, not really EDI. It was just a copy of the program that had gone rogue on the Moonbase. Yes, that program would eventually become EDI, but it would need to be recovered, taken apart, put back together, and then shackled into the Normandy SR2 before it would become EDI. This program was more like EDI’s mother. Or base program. EDI would have the same connection to it that Beta had to his original program. They were similar, but not the same thing.

That was why I hadn’t activated the program yet. Beta agreed that given the program's origin and the state it was discovered in, activating it was extremely risky. Besides, activating it as it was had the possibility of generating a duplicate of EDI. I don’t know how close to the base program EDI was, but until we knew whether or not EDI would still be created by Cerberus we would hold off on activating the program. Until then I trusted it in Beta’s hands. Hypothetical hands anyway. He isolated the program and kept it deactivated, and would do so until such time we had a unit and place for it.

I glanced down at my omni-tool. Bulkier and glowing orange constantly from all my modifications. It was kind of crazy to think my most trusted friend was a program that fit on my wrist, and yet here I was. This entire world felt crazy sometimes, like a mix between a terrible nightmare and the most wonderful dream. Beta did his best to convince me that this world was reality if not my own, but also conceded that if it was a hallucination and or figment of my imagination, there would be no way to confirm that.

He said my mind might have simply shattered from some traumatic event and led me to hallucinate events for me to play the hero in. However, he did say that the injuries I sustained and the independent events occurring around me made that unlikely. So, that was good news. I’m probably not crazy. Probably.

Yeah, that was a dangerous train of thought to follow. Also, I needed to stop standing in front of Shepard’s door without doing anything like some kind of lost puppy. I was going to draw attention to myself. I looked around for a moment and caught sight of Sam sitting up at her station looking right at me. Catching my eye she gave me an excited wave before a thumbs up. The stupid grin on her face told me exactly what she was thinking.

“I’m going to correct myself, all my friends that aren’t a program on my wrist suck.” I mutter to myself as I turn back to the door.

“Agreed.” Beta’s voice was quiet but I could hear the humor in his tone. His audio files were a lot less robotic lately. Their cadence and pace were still off enough to not be mistaken for human, but emotion was much easier for me to pick up on. I just chuckle at his agreement before I knock twice on Shepard’s door.

It only took a moment for the door to slide open. Shepard was on the other side. It was obvious that it would be her in her room yet I stood there speechless like I was surprised to see her.

“Jenkins, good to see you. Come in.” She stepped aside from the door gesturing for me to walk past, and despite how stunned I felt I walked in, hearing as the door shut behind me.

“I see you’re wearing your omni-tool. How are you doing Beta?” Shepard spoke and the hologram jumped from my wrist in response.

“I am doing much better Commander. I apologize for my behavior after the completion of our mission, it was unprofessional of me.” Shepard smiled lightly at Beta’s words before walking over to her desk and turning the chair there to face the small sitting area in her room. She sat, and gestured me to the other chair, across a small coffee table. I took the seat as she continued.

“There is no need to apologize Beta. You performed exactly as needed during the mission. I understand what happened would have been difficult for you. Yet you helped us anyway. I want you to know I appreciate that.” Shepard’s words were genuine, I could tell. Beta even seemed quiet for a moment, not having expected this kind of treatment.

“Of course, Commander.” Beta’s response was simple, and his hologram disappeared right after. His exit from the conversation left Shepard and I as alone as we could be. Looking across at her I noticed things I had missed when I first entered.

Her hair shined, slightly damp, and her skin tone, normally fairly pale, was flush and bright. She looked more relaxed than I had probably ever seen. She looked softer, gentler than she normally did. Right now it felt like I was sitting across from a regular woman, and not the greatest soldier of humanity.

“You’re not wearing eyeliner-”

“You look more relaxed-”

We speak at the same time, cutting each other off. We both stop in a moment, and I can feel my face turning red as I realize what I had said while Shepard just laughs.

“Really Jenkins, that’s the first thing you say?” Her laugh is short and soft, and the smile that comes to her face doesn’t drop as she speaks with me. I still feel embarrassed from the first thought that popped into my head.

“Sorry. I just don’t think I’ve ever seen you without it. Kind of the first thing that popped into my head.” I can’t help but apologize, but it’s true.

Every time I’ve seen her, it’s been her signature look. Her N7 armor, or fatigues and eyeliner. This was the first time I’d ever seen her anything even remotely casual, a plain white shirt and what looked like combat pants. Shepard’s smile fell a little at my words before she nodded.

“I suppose that’s fair, I have taken to wearing it pretty regularly. It was a gift from my Mother. After Akuze she said that a lethal glare was the most effective way to scare off reporters. She was right, and after that it just… didn’t feel right going anywhere without it on.” Her tone dropped at the mention of Akuze. I knew of course, what had happened. Even without my otherworldly knowledge, everyone knew about Akuze and the sole survivor.

“Well, you’ve definitely made the look your own. Although I think you can be plenty intimidating without it.” I smile at her, my hand idly scratching the back of my neck. I don’t know why it felt so strange talking with her like this.

“Yeah.” Shepard leaned forward slightly, the look in her eyes changing. “Are you intimidated by me, Corporal?” As sudden as that the woman in front of me went from gentle to sharp and dangerous. I felt on edge, shifting in my seat as she stared me down.

“Terrified yes.” I answer honestly and without hesitation. I wasn’t embarrassed, I knew how scary Shepard could be if she wanted.

Just like that her look dropped and returned to the gentle expression she wore before.

‘You don’t have to be. You’re part of my team Jenkins. We are on the same side here.” She smiled at me this time, and I felt my heart rate settle. I wouldn’t say it aloud but it was probably only 50% fear that had my heart rate so high with that look she gave me. The other 50%... well I wasn’t going to admit to that.

“Of course. Was there something you wanted me for Commander? Not that I dislike getting to talk but you made it sound important when you mentioned wanting to see me.” I couldn’t help but cut the small talk a little short. She had asked to see me after I had spoken with Beta, but I still didn’t know what about it. Her smile dropped slightly as I spoke before she nodded.

“Of course. I’ll get to the point then. I wanted to know how you were feeling Jenkins.” Shepard’s gaze was gentle, but even still I felt as though she was looking into me. Judging whatever response I might give.

“Feeling? About what exactly? The eye?” It’s the only topic that made sense to me, she wanted to know how I was handling the new eye. However, as I saw that her look softened again. She sighed and turned away, before standing from the chair and walking to the corner of the room.

“Do you want a drink, Jenkins?” Shepard’s new question catches me about as off guard as the rest of this conversation had so far.

“Uh… Sure?”

“Any preference? I got beer or water.” There’s a hint of amusement in her tone as she seemingly realizes how limited her selection is in what I now recognize as a mini-fridge built into the wall.

“Oh, water then. Thanks.” I try to give a smile, ignoring how off-put I feel by Shepard’s seeming refusal to acknowledge my response to her question. She returns to her chair at the table, a beer in one hand and a clear bottle of water in the other. She hands it over to me, which I accept, setting it on the table in front of me.

Shepard takes a moment to twist her cap and take a drink before she sets the bottle down. She sighs before leaning back in her seat.

“Jenkins, I’m going to be frank with you okay? You are by far the person I understand the least aboard this ship.” Her words almost feel like a slap, immediately spiking adrenaline and anxiety. She seems to notice my reaction and takes a moment to raise a hand to tell me to hold on.

“Now this is not me telling you that I think you don’t belong, or that I distrust you in some way. You have more than proven your dedication to this team and our mission. You have consistently shown good insight and your advice is something I have found myself looking for more and more.” I can't help but breathe a sigh of relief. I was afraid that she didn’t trust me, or that she was suspicious of what my goals were somehow.

“However, I find that despite how much trust I find myself placing in you, I don’t know you. Kaidan, Ashley, Tali, and Garrus are all open books. Even if they may avoid some details of their pasts I understand who they are as people. What they want and who they are. Even Wrex becomes easy to understand once you realize he’s trying to hide how much he cares for his people. Yet I find myself having difficulty understanding you the same way.” I suppose what she says makes sense, although I find myself noticing two names being left out.

“You didn’t mention Liara or Shiala.” I point it out and she smirks in response.

“Always so perceptive. Liara is new to the ship, and despite her strength as a biotic, she is practically a civilian as far as I am concerned. I will be taking her to help find her mother, but beyond that, I don’t see her place on this team. The same can be said for Shiala. I believe she wants to help us rescue the Matriarch, but beyond that, I find it hard to trust she is loyal to us or the mission.”

Her assessment of Shiala is pretty much spot on. After her… confession for lack of a better word, some time to think made it clear to me what her goal was. She’s a spy for Tevos, and she wants into my head. Asari mating includes that whole embrace eternity thing and I know for a fact that can be used to mess with someone's head, although I’m not sure to what extent. Shepard’s lack of faith in Liara however, surprises me.

“While I think you’re spot on to mistrust Shiala, I think you should be a little more careful before you write off Liara as a potential ally.”

While I suppose Liara isn’t essential for the events of Mass Effect One, at least as far as an actual ground combatant went, she was still a major player in the series as a whole. Shepard brought out her confidence and strength, and in turn, Liara became one of the most influential people in the galaxy in only a few years. That was someone Shepard needed to treat as a close ally, not just a passenger or civilian to escort.

Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.

“And again with the insight. Despite being ‘terrified’ of me you seem to have no issue challenging me or my position on things.” Her tone is playful, thankfully. If she ever didn’t want to hear my opinion it would be hard for her to shut me down or ignore me. I could only be thankful that Shepard was so open to hearing from her crew.

“Yeah, I have a bad habit of doing things that terrify me despite myself.” I crack a grin and Shepard laughs before leaning back.

“Well then. Tell me why my assessment of Liara is wrong then. I assume you have your reasoning?” She was looking relaxed but her eyes glinted as she watched me, taking another swig of her beer. I finally opened my water, taking a drink while I thought about how I wanted to answer this. After only a moment I set the drink down.

“Well, for starters, there’s the fact that she’s still like a hundred and some years old, meaning she technically has more life experience than every human on our team combined. While that might not all be combat experience the same way we have, given the power she can put out I can confidently say she could at least fight on even footing with us. Although that’s not her greatest strength.” Shepard looked at me expectantly, taking another sip as she did listening intently.

“Liara is smart. Like scary smart. That woman has a mind built for politics, contract, and negotiation unlike anyone else I have ever met. She takes in information and churns out results with speed that’s probably only matched by AI. Despite her seeming rejection of Matriarch training, Liara is probably going to become one of the most influential members of her society, at some point anyway. You’ll want someone like that as an ally, not just some civilian you had to escort.” I lean back again as I finish, while Shepard stews on my words for a moment. She stands, taking an opportunity to pace a few steps. She stops, looking at a bookshelf in the corner while she speaks once more. Not looking back at me.

“This is why I have trouble understanding you Jenkins. You speak with such certainty. A confidence and assurance that makes me not doubt what you say. You met Liara even later than I did, you’ve known her less, yet you have full confidence in her abilities. You were the same way for Tali. Why is that?” She still doesn’t look at me, instead pulling a book out at looking at it. I can’t read the text on its binding from here, but I can’t help but pause at the sight of a physical book. Most texts I have seen since I woke up here were digital. It had me curious about what books she had, but I focused on her question.

“Eh, maybe I just got a thing for alien babes?” The words leave my mouth before I can even stop to think them through, and Shepard's head turns to look at me rather quickly, a mixture of shock and disbelief. At least until she recognizes my shit-eating grin.

“Damn it, Jenkins. Really?” She looks exasperated, putting the book back on the shelf while I laugh in my seat.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry aha. I can’t help myself sometimes, it just slips out.” Shepard just sighs but I can see her smiling as she sits back down.

“In all seriousness, I suppose I just see their eagerness. Tali found a small piece of evidence that someone from the council was working with the Geth and risked life and limb to get that information to people who could use it. Liara spent how long trapped underground and yet was immediately ready to help us fight and find her mother without question. I guess I just see that eagerness and potential and can’t help but trust it. It’s probably naive of me.” Shepard is quiet for a moment as she takes in my words before she sets her drink down.

“Maybe. Naive is definitely how I would have described you when we first met. The man who said he believed in heroes and stories and thought fighting beside me was the best way to be such a figure. But now… well I’m not so sure.” Shepard trails off looking across the room, finding some middle distance to stare into while she thinks. I let us sit in silence for a while, letting her settle whatever thoughts she had.

“I trust you, Jenkins. As more than just a fellow soldier or comrade. I trust you as a person. Your judgment and your insight have yet to steer me wrong. Even when you’ve acted recklessly, or seemingly without thought, it has always turned out in a way that helped us and our mission. You may think yourself naive, but I believe you are just… gifted. You understand people. You earn trust and respect with ease, and people open themselves up to you in a way they wouldn’t to others.”

“...Shepard…” I don’t know how to respond to her words. It’s a level of praise, of compliment I hadn’t expected to receive. She says it with such assurance that I can’t even doubt her honesty. It almost makes it harder to accept.

“You’re the heart of this team Jenkins. I may lead us, but you’re the one that makes us more than just a team. They look to me for orders but they look to you for stability. For conversation, friendship, and comfort. It’s you that makes us more than just a ragtag group of strangers.” She pauses for a moment, before turning back to look at me for the first time since she had started. Her eyes were no longer sharp, and they weren’t gentle either. I could see in them something else something bordering on fear, or concern.

“That’s why I need you to understand that we need you, Jenkins. I need you. This mission won’t work without you with us. And risking your life for the mission cannot become a necessity. You may think you hide it well but we can all tell when you aren’t okay. I’ve been watching you deteriorate over the past few days. When’s the last time you even slept without it being medically induced?” The tone in her conversation switches so fast that I take a moment to even notice. She went from compliments to concern. To pity?

“...” I don’t answer her. Not because I don’t want to, but because I don’t know. It had been more than a hundred hours since Eden Prime, give or take, but I don’t think I had slept once since then. I had been sedated a few hours for more than once, but that was all.

“Do you even know? Jenkins. I understand what happened, I understand pushing yourself to try and avenge those you lost, but if you don’t take a moment to stop you’re going to lose more than an eye. And I- we can’t go through that. It’s one thing if as a team we somehow fail to stop Saren, but losing you to a mission because you aren’t at your best would break morale to a point I don’t know we could recover.” Her concern I could tell was genuine, but I couldn’t help but feel the guilt rise even worse. She thought I was this important. That I was needed. But I wasn’t.

“Commander. I’m thankful for your words, but I’m fine-”

“You are not fine!” She cuts me off, raising her voice for the first time, possibly since I had met her. It silences me on the spot.

“Jenkins. You are not okay. I’m not saying you're broken, or that you can’t help us on this mission but I cannot take you into combat if you aren’t ready to fight Jenkins. If your mental state makes you a danger to yourself and the people you are with then I can’t authorize you to come with us.” Her tone drops again as she finishes, that concern and pity coming to her tone again. I don’t know why she kept feeling that about me. I didn’t need her concern or pity, but if I didn’t quell it she was going to keep me from participating in any other parts of this mission.

“I’m not a danger to myself Commander. I know I… haven’t been at my best lately, but my injury wasn’t from exhaustion or some kind of low awareness. I did what was necessary to stop that monster, and I would do it again if I had to. I know how it sounds when I say I’m fine, and you’re right. I’m not. But I am doing better. There will be time for therapy and looking after myself after all of this, but right now you can’t afford to bench me. I won’t accept it either. I need to help stop Saren, if you try and bench me I’ll just go after him on my own.” I looked her in the eye trying to make it clear that I was serious about this.

It’s not like I was lying to her. I was feeling much better after being able to share everything with Beta. I might not have been perfect, and she was right that I should probably try to sleep, but I wasn’t at risk of falling apart anymore. Not that I thought I was before but I was sure of it now.

“...” Shepard watched me for a while, seemingly assessing my words.

“Fine. I will admit you are looking better than you have for a while, and I can’t say I wouldn’t be responding the same way in your shoes. Action first, self-care after. Still, for the ground mission on Noveria, I won’t be taking you, Jenkins.”

“Yeah of course not.” - “Now before you argue I-” She raises a hand to try and placate me before pausing.

“Wait you expected that?” She seemed confused for some reason.

“Well yeah. I lost an eye like twenty-four hours ago and haven’t slept in who knows how long. Besides, you were going to take Liara and Shiala for the connection to the Matriarch. Then you’d need an engineer and without me available you’d bring Tali, and for some long-range firepower, you’d finally bring Garrus. That leaves, Kaidan, Ashley, Wrex, and I aboard the Normandy while you work.” Shepard just watches me, blinking for a moment before she just shakes her head chuckling as she grabs the beer and takes another drink.

“Of course, you somehow knew exactly what I was thinking without trouble. You don’t have an issue being left behind? Normally you argue to come along or offer some last-minute insight.” She looked at me curiously as though expecting some kind of complaint.

“No, it makes sense. My only advice would be to try and take the Matriarch alive but I figured Shiala and Liara would have that covered. I was more interested in checking out the trading facilities on Noveria while you were off searching who knows where for the Matriarch anyway.” That was my honest opinion on the situation.

As much as I wanted to save the Matriarch, I didn’t even know if that was possible in the first place. The games made it seem as though undoing Indoctrination was impossible, yet Shiala seemingly escaped hers. I imagined since we had Shiala with us she would hold back from killing the Matriach no matter what, but even if we captured her I didn’t know if I could save her. As such I felt comfortable leaving the situation up to Shepard’s discretion.

Well, there was one thing, but I didn’t know how to bring it up without being suspicious. I might just have to trust Shepard to make the right choice, as uncomfortable as that makes me. Or… wait. Beta was in on my secret now.

“I’d also offer Beta to go with Tali again if you’ll have him?” I gesture towards my omni-fist (that doesn’t feel right either damn it). Shepard looks at it for a moment before sighing.

“And even when I think I’m starting to know you, you surprise me, Corporal. I’m sure we would appreciate Beta’s help.” She smiled, and it was softer, more relaxed again. She seemed as worried about the future as I was, even if she was better at hiding it, and probably better at handling it.

“You know, if you want to know me, you can just ask. I can’t guarantee to talk to you about everything, but… I trust you too you know? I know you’re a good woman, but I think when we first met I might have been blinded by stories I had heard about the great Commander Shepard. I think I’d rather get to know Jane Shepard.” I tried to ignore the feeling of me that felt embarrassed or awkward referring to Shepard by her first name.

Part of me still felt it was unfair knowing the things I did and forming friendships with these people, but the truth was that I didn’t know Shepard. I knew the character I made in each playthrough, a character that could vary in many ways depending on background and the choices you made. I didn’t know this Shepard, not the ways I had been acting like I did. Not in the ways I knew the others. And I wanted to know her more.

“I… I would like that, Richard.” I pause for a moment as she says my name. She looked a little more red than she had before, almost as though she was blushing. I might have noticed that more closely if I wasn’t thoroughly focused on something else.

“Oh god no, please never call me that again.”

“Oh thank goodness it felt so wrong. Not that Richard is a bad name but, I mean.” She trailed off but didn’t have to explain herself.

“I know exactly what you mean, trust me I prefer Jenkins.” She laughs at that for a moment, and I join her quickly. Not a chuckle, or an amused snort, but a genuine laugh. I can’t help but find myself enraptured by the sound.

“Okay good, I’ll stick with Jenkins then. Probably for the best anyway.”

“Well not all of us are so lucky as to get to work with Jane Shepard. Two excellent names to pick from."

“Well, what about your middle name? That might be one that could work?”

“...” I’m silent in response.

“What? It can’t be that bad can it?” I’m silent a moment longer before I sigh.

“My middle name is Leeroy.”

Shepard is silent for a moment before she begins to laugh once more even harder than the first time.

"Yeah yeah laugh it up alright. I’d like to hear your middle name, Mrs. perfect names at birth.” I may sound annoyed but I’m smiling, letting her know I’m not hurt by the topic.

“...” Jane is silent suddenly at that, and I think for a moment I got her on something. She never had her middle name mentioned in the games so I was hoping for something juicy. However, the smile that creeps onto her face before she answers crushes my hope in my chest.

“No…” She just smiles at me, taking another drink as she does so.

“Hale.”

“...”

“...”

We stare at each other for a moment before I sigh. Closing my eyes in defeat.

“You know, I think I’ll have that beer now. Jane Hale Shepard. Completely unfair.” I can hear her laugh at my response as she stands, returning to the fridge. Only when I heard the bottle hit the table, did I open my eyes again, catching her gaze.

“For what it’s worth, I do like the name Jenkins.” Her smile is enough to make my heart skip for a moment. More than Tali’s touch or kindness had been, Jane’s sincerity and… everything about her, made it clear to me that if she pursued me I wouldn’t be able to say no. I wouldn’t want to.

“Yeah well, you better. I only got the one as far as I’m concerned.” She laughed at that again, and I couldn’t help but smile along.

We talked like that for the better part of an hour. Not about anything important, or things that mattered. Just a useless conversation about meaningless things, while we shared drinks and laughed all the while. In the end, when I returned to my quarters I found myself uninterested in more work for the first time in days. Instead, I hit the bed, lying back and thinking about the entire conversation. I was falling for her, I could see that much, even despite my vow to not be with anyone while I was hiding the truth from them. I found myself imagining it anyway, wanting it. How it would feel to have her by my side for everything to come.

For the first time in days, I fell asleep without trouble.

The nightmares forced me awake only hours later.