Jenkins
Down time is an interesting thing when you’re on an active mission. It had been nearly 2 days since we first arrived at Eden Prime, and in that time I had very little sleep. Of course it wasn’t like we had no chance to rest. Shepard spent 17 of those hours unconscious recovering from the beacon. Kaidan, Ashley and I spent the majority of that time giving our reports to Anderson, and then taking turns resting. Still, it was hard for any of us to sleep, given everything that had happened. A lot of that time was spent pacing and waiting for Shepard to wake up.
From there we spent hours messing around aboard the Citadel and just trying to convince the Council that Saren was guilty. I wasn’t exhausted, but all that running around, the firefights. It wore a man down. Getting the opportunity to sit and relax was important to both mental and physical health. That is of course, if you can actually manage to sleep. And I was struggling.
Laying in the dark of my room, with the lights turned low, I couldn’t help but replay events in my mind. The destruction of Eden Prime, Nihlus’ body, the husks. In these quiet moments where nothing was happening it was hard to get any amount of decent rest. It was on and off, in and out of consciousness. After the second time jolting awake in an hour I gave up. It will be easier to sleep when I’m more exhausted. For now it just wasn’t happening.
It was interesting walking around the ship during moments like these. While we were actually traveling the flight deck ran a full crew, both in communications and counter intelligence. When we were on the ground and the fire team was out working was when they ran a skeleton crew. The two groups essentially worked in inverse when it came to sleep and rest. The one exception being Joker.
Joker was an interesting guy. We hadn’t really spoken much since we got aboard the Normandy, I was mostly busy trying to dodge the head engineer and just taking everything in. Not to mention I had basically zero experience with flying any sort of spacecraft, there wasn’t a whole lot I would gain from hanging out in the cockpit. It was more Kaidan’s area to try and be productive, since he actually had some experience with flight protocol he would sometimes co pilot with Joker.
Not that Joker needed the assistance. The guy was arrogant when it came to boasting about his own skills, but the truth was that he really was that good. I didn’t have access to his files or anything of the sort, but I had read a few of the mass effect comics in my old life, and one of them was all about how Joker got selected as pilot of the Normandy. He stole it from the drydock and took it for a joyride. Instead of being court martialed, Anderson had the engineers look at the numbers for Joker’s flying and realized he outperformed every other test flight they had taken the Normandy on. He was hired as the ship's pilot the same day.
There was no questioning Joker’s skill as a pilot. He worked harder than nearly anyone else that I could think of, and earned every commendation he had. Unfortunately that attitude had some consequences, one of which being he almost never stopped working. He had slept while we were aboard the Citadel thank god, but Joker had been known to go days without leaving the pilot chair, instead choosing to catch intermittent rests without leaving. I couldn't blame him, he was in a job that required him to be ready to go at a moment's notice. He couldn’t move as fast as most people, so it would be difficult if he was running from his pod to the pilot seat.
I thought about all this as I approached the cockpit, Joker being the only one inside on this occasion. I was carrying two cups of coffee as I entered, and as I walked up I offered one to Joker.
“Here, I figured you could do with some caffeine, given everything.” Joker glanced in my direction, seeming to process who it was that was speaking to him before he smirked and accepted the cup.
“Thanks. I swear I spend half my time living on nothing but caffeine, so this is much needed.” He gave a chuckle pressing a button that turned the pilot's seat to face me more directly, as I sat in one of the co-pilot seats here in the front, turning it to face him as well.
“Ha, I hear you there. I picked up a good old addiction to coffee on my first deployment and it stuck with me ever since. That said, the coffee here aboard the Normandy is far better than what we had at Kaver Station.” I gave a chuckle as I took a sip from my cup. I never liked coffee before I woke up in this world, but turns out the cravings and dependencies Jenkins had stuck around. Thankfully an addiction to coffee was the worst of what I picked up.
“Kaver Station was your first deployment? I think I've heard of it, although I can’t recall any details.” Joker was polite in the question, leaving it open enough for me to avoid talking about it if I had some sort of obligation or personal desire to avoid it. Made sense on a ship like this, where some of us might have more classified or private histories. Thankfully I was pretty much an open book.
Well, except for the whole thing with Beta. Or my actual background as a reincarnated and or transmigrated individual. Or the fact that I’ve really only been here for 6 months and I was just sharing Jenkins memories of his first deployment, not my own. Okay so maybe not a fully open book, but nothing crazy about my military history anyway.
“Yeah, Kaver is a military station that orbits Hiba.” At Joker's continued blank stare, I carry on explaining in further detail.
“Hiba is a gas giant in the Kite’s Nest nebula. Pretty heavy Batarian space so we were mostly dealing with slavers and pirates. Saw a couple fire fights a month, enough to get a couple promotions after 2 years on board, but I was transferred out soon after. Never any major conflicts, nothing like what I’ve been getting since getting grabbed by Anderson.”
“Right, how did that happen anyway? I understand Kaidan, he’s a freaky biotic and an experienced soldier. And I mean no offense, but you don’t exactly scream special forces material.” Joker was asking the question most people avoided when they heard my story, but his tone wasn’t rude. He was genuinely curious, and the secret service comment was clearly meant as a joke, as opposed to an insult.
“No, I understand. Honestly it’s a question I wonder myself. He never did explain it to me, just said that he wanted someone he could trust to grow and improve, not an experienced soldier. I’m thankful he chose me, but sometimes it feels like I don’t belong here. It’s why I’m constantly tinkering with everything. I guess I think that if I can make something above and beyond anything else, then it will mean I deserve to be here.” I look away, realizing I may have started sharing too much again. I’ve been doing that a lot lately, I just start talking and I can’t seem to stop it. Heartfelt confessions and oversharing galore.
Joker got a wistful look as he turned and looked out the ship, the blur of stars zipping past the ship as it moved through space at faster than light speeds. Nowhere near as fast as a relay, but still far quicker than anything we had in the 21st century.
“I understand that. I always felt like I had to prove something too. That my illness doesn’t mean anything, that I’m a better pilot than any of them, even if my legs don’t work as well.” Well at least I’m not the only one opening up, Joker doesn't like to talk about his illness much, he doesn’t let it define who he is, and I respect the fuck out of that. That said, I'm not supposed to know about his illness, so once again I have to fake surprise at information I happen to know far earlier than I should.
“Your legs? What do you mean?” Nailed it.
“You.. You don’t know? I thought Anderson would have told everyone.” He looked surprised by the response, so it seems I really did nail it.
“Anderson didn’t tell us, or at least me, much about anyone we were working with. Just that this ship would be staffed by the best of the best, and to trust the crew to manage the ship itself. He wanted us to prioritize the actual ground missions we would be doing I guess.”
“Oh. Oh man that is. Ugh I assumed that you and Shepard had been avoiding interacting with me out of some sort of judgment or pity thing. You’re telling me you didn’t even know?” Wait what. He thought I was avoiding him. I know I hadn’t really gone up to talk to Joker much, but it was mostly because I was focused on other things at the time. Adjusting to being on the ship, testing to see if the crew were actual people or vague impressions of people. I never had any reason or use that would encourage me to spend time in the cockpit.
“No, not at all! I just, I have zero experience flying, so I wouldn’t have been much use up here. Plus I always just kind of preferred working away at my projects in private. I wasn’t avoiding you for any reason at all, much less some kind of illness.” It really was the truth, I feel bad now, realizing that I had made him feel that way.
“Well. Uh damn. I feel bad man, I always just assumed you were an ass or something. Glad to see I was wrong though.” He gives a light smile and looks genuinely apologetic for having even thought badly about me.
“Well now I didn’t say you were wrong. I’m definitely an ass. Just not a biased one. I don’t care if you're the peak of human performance or a quadruple amputee. You’re getting the same treatment from me no matter what.” I give a light laugh and Joker laughs along, the mood feeling lighter now that we actually talked some stuff out.
“Well that’s good to know. Glad not every member of the ground team is uptight as Kaidan. He's a good guy but man does he need to learn how to relax a little.” We laugh a little joking about different members of the crew and how they may be too uptight, Garrus and Ashley both find their ways onto the list as well. It’s nice, but eventually I feel the need to ask the question I had been avoiding. Joker would probably feel weird if I didn’t ask in the long run, so its for the best that I do.
“Hey Joker. What’s wrong with your legs? You said you were sick, with what? If you don’t mind me asking anyway?” He flinches lightly at the question, but eventually sighs and begins an explanation that feels routine for him.
“I have Vrolic Syndrome*. Brittle bone disease it’s sometimes called. Basically my bones are pretty fragile. Practically glass. I was born with 2 dozen fractures across my lower body and chest, and in critical condition. A century ago I probably wouldn’t have made it past infancy, but thanks to the wonders of modern medicine I get to be a productive member of society.” He laughs lightly, but it only seems to be a break in talking, he doesn’t seem done with his explanation, so I give him a moment before he continues.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“So yeah, my bones are still weak. Any severe movements or sudden jolts and I’ll probably still damage something, but I’m more than capable of functioning. I stay seated in this lovely full support chair and I can fly the ship better than anyone else. Just don’t ask me to go running anywhere and we will be fine.” He looks partially uncomfortable by the conversation. Not so much embarrassed of his own disease. He carries himself with a confidence that shows he's well past his own self doubts. He does appear worried about how I will take it though.
“Awe, that’s too bad. I was going to ask that you make the next coffee run, but it seems that it would be faster to set up a new pot and brew it right here.” I give him a smile to let him know I’m kidding, and it gets a small laugh out of him.
“Yeah sorry. Seems like you’ll be stuck making the coffee runs. Who says Vrolik syndrome is all bad haha.” We enjoy a good chuckle, and the relief on Joker's face that knowledge of his illness hadn’t changed anything is a good sight to see. We stayed there, chatting in the cockpit of the Normandy for a while. Just enjoying the view of the ship tearing through space.
It was a view I couldn’t help but get lost in. There’s no way to describe how it feels to see the light of countless stars stretch and bend as you move through them at impossible speeds. It’s moments like these where I have no regrets. I will probably always wonder how I woke up here, what happened to the people I left behind, but in the end there's nothing I can do about that feeling. What I can do is enjoy the fact that I’m currently on board a spaceship, one that holds aliens who are not only able to communicate with us, but actually working together. Something that would have been impossible back home, I get to be a part of here. And I don’t think that's the worst thing.
However its not a view that can be enjoyed forever, and eventually I have to get back to it. I say goodbye to Joker and make my way back across the ship, thinking of ways to kill time. As I reach my quarters, passing through an empty mess hall, my omni tool lights up with a message.
Are we able to speak in your quarters? I have something I wish to bring to your attention - Beta
The message comes as a bit of a surprise, Beta had been unusually quiet lately, but I had just chalked it up to us having had a longer chance to speak earlier while we were in the cell. That being said if he wants to talk I better see what about. I go over to my desk, opening the drawer and putting an earpiece in as I speak.
“Hey Beta, we should be good to talk in here, what’s up?”
“Ah, Jenkins. I have been taking some time to think and process information. I have come to the conclusion that while my information processing and calculation strength are unparalleled compared to organics, there are other skills that I seem to be-- lacking.” Interesting. Beta had never been interested in admitting fault before. Even with our arrangement he never admitted to needing me for any particular skills, I was simply a method of transportation to him. I wonder why the change.
“What do you mean lacking? I’m not trying to boost your own ego or anything, but you are incredibly capable.” Play the compliments, get him to lower his guard and explain what’s going on.
“It’s precisely what you are doing now. Negotiation, communication, compromise. I find that you are quite talented when it comes to these things, able to diffuse and calm often tense or even hostile situations with ease. Cooperation was always something I viewed as an exchange of value. Two entities share experience, knowledge or resources that are for the benefit of each. Yet my continued observations show that you will make choices, or communicate in a way that is of no benefit to you. At least not directly, and the outcome is continuously more positive than it should be. It’s something I have been struggling to understand.” He is dropping a lot of information, but it surprises me to hear him pay me such a compliment. It hasn't felt like I’ve been that good of a talker recently, but he seems to think so.
“So, what have you come to understand?” I asked the AI the question he was leading me towards.
“Jenkins, how would you define empathy?” Well, this wasn't the question I thought he was leading me towards. His new question has me feeling I misinterpreted where this conversation was going.
“Um, that’s an interesting question. I could look up a dictionary definition but I have a feeling that’s not what you’re looking for.” Beta stays silent so I assume I’m correct, and continue. “Well if I had to summarize it, I’d say empathy is simply someone’s capacity to relate to another person. Their ability to not only understand someone else’s feelings but to feel similarly in return.”
Beta is silent for a moment, as he processes what I said. I’m curious, mostly because I’m not certain where this conversation is going. This line of questions is a stark change in how Beta and I have interacted until now, so I am interested in knowing what caused the change in thinking, and what he is hoping to accomplish with it.
“I understand. So when Ashley discussed the loss of her unit, and appeared hurt by the topic, you felt a similar feeling. You responded by sharing a similar situation you had gone through. To build a sense of camaraderie and understanding? No, that was the outcome, but you didn’t act with that in mind.” He’s speaking out loud as he walks through the scenario, wording things as questions but answering them himself just as quickly. I decided to just let him continue the train of thought.
“You simply shared a similar story, because the way she felt reminded you of how you felt at a similar time. It was an attempt to comfort her, to show she was not alone?” This time he pauses as he speaks, showing that he is in fact asking a question.
“Yeah pretty much. I don’t know just from listening to her talk. I just noticed she seems... alone. Like she felt completely isolated and couldn’t talk about it because no one would understand. But I did understand, and I wanted her to know that. That’s all there was to it.” There’s more silence as Beta processes, eventually broken as he speaks once more.
“Interesting. So while the outcome is something that is beneficial towards you, you do not act with that in mind. You simply wish to provide comfort, to ease pain. Even at detriment to your own perceived value. I can see the path you are making but I cannot understand the logic behind your decisions. Why would you risk lowering your assigned worth simply to make someone else feel less bad? Feelings are arbitrary and temporary. Your value is something of much more importance.” He sounded almost defeated as he spoke. Like he was trying so hard to understand exactly how motivations work, and just couldn’t get over that last hurdle.
I honestly felt bad for him. He was so close but he just couldn’t understand, personally, why I wouldn’t care about my ‘perceived value.’ Although, thinking about that, maybe there is a way to push his thought process in the right direction.
“Hey Beta. How would you feel if I said that I considered you useless?” I wait for a moment as Beta processes information.
“Useless?! I would consider you to be making some kind of jest, my value is apparent. The mere audacity to even joke that I am without use shows that you are beyond foolish.” His reaction is harsh and sudden, and I realize I’ve hit the nail right on the head.
“Okay, so why do you care about making a choice that lowers how valuable you appear?”
“... Pardon?”
“If you are certain of your value as an individual. Then why does it matter what anyone else thinks? And if you do care about people seeing you as valuable, why is that important to you? You seem to have spent a lot of time analyzing my choices and decision-making patterns, but have you given any analysis of your own?” I ask the question once more and Beta is silent for a while as he evaluates what I have said. Noticing how long he’s spending thinking I decide to speak up once again.
“Beta when we first met you were absolutely certain of your superiority. In less than a day you have admitted to finding that you may not be as skilled in certain practices as me. That shows you’re capable of self-evaluation and growth. I’m not sure why you desire to understand how I think about things so badly, but maybe that shouldn’t be your goal. Take a step back and look at how you think about things. Understanding someone else is easier if you understand yourself. I’m aware the rules of maturity and age are strange with AI, but you are barely more than a few weeks old. Your growth and behaviors are still going to be biased by your environment and your original programming.” He was still silent, but the faint pulsing orange glow of my omni tool showed that he was properly processing what I had said.
“Perhaps you are right. I have done little work to further analyze the deeper motivations behind my decisions and understanding. I simply believed my interpretation to be the most logical, but have not given further thought as to why I had been so certain that was the case. Understanding oneself is key to understanding others. This is good advice Jenkins. I appreciate you taking the time to speak with me. I must think about this. I will speak with you later.” From that his voice leaves my ear once more, and I let out a sight as I remove the earpiece.
I put it back on my desk, and spin around in the chair facing the room as I think. Beta had already shown remarkable growth in a short period of time. All of that even without a direct link up like Sam had in Andromeda. Perhaps Beta is an outlier, or I am, but it shows something interesting about AI in the world of Mass Effect. They are absolutely capable of empathy and understanding. Even Beta, who showed no sign of it at first, has the desire to understand it. That on its own is evidence enough in my books. It will be interesting to see what conclusions Beta comes to. Perhaps I’ll have to talk to him about Alec Ryder, see if he's interested in my idea of a full implant at some point.
I wouldn’t pressure him if he doesn’t want it, but it's a simple fact that the full link that Alec develops is the ideal way of synthetic and organic cooperation. I wouldn’t mind getting my hands on that kind of set up if I could. I had originally considered presenting the idea to legion, and snagging some Geth for a partnership, but honestly Beta might be a better fit. We will just have to see, I suppose. Not something I’m capable of doing right now anyway.
As I spin in the chair I can feel the rotation starting to make me dizzy. I stop, facing my own desk and let my head and the motion sickness settle. Why I enjoy doing that to myself I’ll never understand, but it helps me clear my head. Sort of a mental reset if you will. It’s odd, sure, but damn effective it seems, as I realize there's another job that still needs doing before we get to Feros.
I open the drawer of my desk, and pull out a few black disks. My plug-and-go upgrades for the omni tool. I had made a few extra a while ago, since I always planned on giving them to Shepard’s whole team. So that meant I had 4 more to hand out, one for each of the Aliens that would join our squad. Liara wasn’t here yet, so I’d only need 3 for now, but it was good to be prepared. I get up, holding the devices in hand as I make my way out of the room.
I was looking forward to handing them out to everyone but there was one in particular I was interested in giving it too. Tali. She was an engineer, a proper Quarian one, so I was kind of excited to show it to her. It helped of course that I also just really really liked Tali from the games, and having something that we shared in common made me kind of excited to interact with her. It would be interesting to get to know her, but I would have to be careful. I glance at Beta on my wrist as I feel that momentary sense of dread.
It’s not great that I’m keeping an AI secret from the crew, but Tali in particular would be the most upset if she found out. Being a Quarian she would be particularly biased about dealing with AI, and would take a great deal of convincing to even tolerate Beta being around, if she could be convinced at all. Ugh why do my choices always seem to make things that should have been simple much more complicated.
It didn’t matter in the end. That was a problem for future Jenkins. Currently, I’m just going to focus on handing out the tools and making some proper introductions. Nothing scary or life-threatening about that, no sir. I’m certain it will all go off without a hitch.