Novels2Search
Magnum Joule
A Surreal Duo

A Surreal Duo

Summer—the time of the year when people can freely travel, go to the beach, hang out with friends, and generally enjoy life. At least that is the case for most people. Though, for a particular boy, despite the absence of a job and education to occupy his time, was as miserable as can be. It was a beautiful day outside as the sun shone brightly, radiating warmth to all who decided to have a picnic, go to the beach, or have a simple stroll around the area. However, he couldn't care less, for he was sleeping, albeit in the evening. On a dirty couch he slept, situated in the middle of a rundown, old apartment. Upon witnessing the decaying paint, the molding walls, the clothes scattered on the floor, and the wasteland of a kitchen, one would assume that the owner either left the residence or died and decayed a long time ago, which would explain the horrendous smell and windows that were close shut. However, the owner of the said residence was sleeping on the couch, a boy in his twenties, with hair darker than the house he resided in, and emerald green eyes that quickly glanced at the front door of the apartment, in response to the sound of it opening. Upon seeing who had entered the apartment, the boy turned his back to the door and desperately dug his head into the couch. "Yo, Joel! You sleeping?" Said the voice of a young man, one that brought all different kinds of aches to Joel. The source of the voice was a young man also in his twenties, with crimson-red hair, and equally crimson eyes, a smug smile plastered on his face as he checked on his friend. The latter was sleeping on the couch, his eyes closed as he lied down on his back, seemingly trying to get some sleep. He partially opened his right eyelid and shot his friend a quick glance before he turned to his side, turning his back on the latter. "I'm not sleeping, I'm dead. Leave some flowers and fuck off." Joel nonchalantly replied. “Alright then, if you’re dead, guess you won’t mind hearing what I have to say,” Mik said, ignoring his friend’s privacy. "Oh for fuck's sake…" Joel said as he covered his head with his pillow, already aware of what will happen next. "So…you know how I’ve been having some problems?" "Your existence is a problem." "Haha, funny motherfucker! Anyway, the entire stuff about problems. You know how I’ve tried to go on a job hunt recently? You know, to earn some money and lessen the problems?" "Right. So?" "So, I’ve been throwing CVs here and there, but of course, no shit to be expected. But, that’s not the shit part. I ran into some bigger problems along the way." “Congrats, go fuck yourself.” "Don’t you wanna know what kinda problems?" “Mik, I honestly don’t care.” Joel replied, digging his head deeper in the pillow. “You didn’t do anything, no?” "Well…I had some run-in with som gangs, some bad folks, yada yada, and…" Mik paused for a second, “It deteriorated into some stuff that got me quite angry…” Giving up on his futile attempts of ignoring his friend until he leaves, Joel uncovered his ears and sat on the couch, his head in his hands. "Mik, for the love of GOD! I. Don't. Care! I can barely help myself, let alone help you. So, for the last fucking time, don't bother me with shit like that. If you got a problem, then deal with it and shut up. I don’t care about your anger, I don’t care what you did. Frankly, I don’t give a shit about anything. So, just release your anger somehow, and leave me alone. Better yet, go see a therapist or some anger management classes to release your frustration and anger." "Oh, I did! I released a lot of anger that was pent up. But…" Before he could finish speaking, a loud knock was heard at the front door of the apartment. To which followed a deep, loud voice calling out to the two. "FBI! Open up!" Overcome with shock, Joel's eyes shot up at the source of the voice. He turned towards Mik, drenched in blood from head to toe. "What in the fuck did you do?!" "I thought it was a good way to release the anger at the one causing it! Plus, I taught those guys a damn good lesson!" "By killing them?!!" “Well, it’s more of a ‘mass homicide’. Plus, does engaging in a shootout really count as homicide?” "The what now?!?!?! You killed people in a shootout?!!?!" “I actually bombed a parliament house and killed everyone inside. I also kinda, sorta, I dunno, infiltrated some other hideouts and houses and burned them down. Oh, also a federal prison and an elderly house.” “YOU DID WHAT?!” "Relax, it’s not like I made Boku no pico." “You butchered a fucking nursery and bombed a parliament house???” “Eh, life is overrated.” "Then take your own!" "Tsk tsk, I need a truck. A big, six-wheeler to send me straight to isekai salvation. You know that there's no way in hell I'll kill myself any other way." Joel stared at Mik, disgust apparent on his face before he lay down on the couch, using the pillow to cover his head. "Fuck it, I don't care. Just give me the rental money for this month and then you can happily go to prison, you've escaped enough times from it." Joel mumbled from under the pillow. "Well…that's the thing…" "...No." "Bro, come on! This is where I need you most!" "Oh, I defended you long enough, bastard! But now, you’re a fucking terrorist! Hell to the no. Go hire some different public defender." “Bro…come on, do you really think I will hire anyone else?” “…” “Come on, partner. You know the rules, and so do I.” "No one will cry at your funeral." “That’s a given. But come on, whaddya say? Just one more time, and I will never ask you to represent me again. I will make it worthwhile.” “You’re dead to me.” "Thanks, hope you have some good arguments for the court session! It'll be a tough one to get out of!" ... After a short while since the arrest, Mik and Joel's trial was finally held. Joel was sitting at a large table in the courthouse, dressed in a black suit, scrutinizing a paper with a deadpan expression. “Yeah, we’re doomed.” Joel said to himself, “I don’t think we’re getting less than a death penalty and a one-way ticket straight to hell.” A few minutes later, the doors of the courthouse swung open. Mik was escorted inside by two policemen, with one dragging an amp along with him. The two policemen sat Mik down on the seat next to Joel before placing the amp near the table and leaving the courthouse. “Hi.” “An amp?” “I said I’ll make it worthwhile.” “How the fuck did you even convince them to give you an amp?” Joel asked. “It’s a necessary piece of evidence, trust me.” Mik explained, “Did you bring what I asked?” Joel reached for his side of the table before showcasing the electric guitar that he brought with him. “For the love of all that is wretched and awful in this existence, why in the nine realms of hell would you have an amp and a goddamn electric guitar as evidence?” “You’ll see.” Not a second later, the side door of the courthouse swung open. The judge stepped inside before the bailiff called out: “All rise!”, to which everyone rose in respect of the honorable judge. The moment he took a seat, everyone in the courtroom sat back down before the judge began shuffling through some papers and scrutinizing a special one while weakly adjusting his round glasses. "Will the suspect please take the stand?" The judge called, to which Mik and Joel both stood up, "Mr. Magnum, is it?" Mik nodded. "Mr.Magnum. You are here today being charged with mass homicide, and your lawyer is here? Am I correct?" The judge said as he read from a piece of paper. "Yes, I am his lawyer. Mr. Joule. I'll be representing my defendant in court." Joel replied. "What-...Joule? Is he allowed to do that?" The judge said as he turned to the clerk, to which the latter replied with a shrug "Didn't your law degree get withdrawn from you, Mr. Joule?" The judge asked. "Yes, your honor. But I have been to law school, I was just suspended." "But that was due to-" "Breaking the laws of the school. I know. You don't need to rub salt on the wound, your honor." Joel nonchalantly said. "Right, you always did have quite the reputation. Either way, Mr. Magnum, from what the FBI has amassed, there is strong evidence supporting the mass homicide that you committed." "Mhm." Mik nodded. “Now, without further ado, may the prosecution begin his statement.” The judge said. The prosecution attorney, a bitter, middle-aged man gazed at the judge before his eyes darted between him and the duo. “Ah, yeah, you honor, what the fuck? Why does the defendant have a guitar?” “It’s a necessary piece of evidence.” Joel replied. “Evidence?! What, is he ozzy osbourne or fucking jimmy hendrix? The defendant is accused of bombing a parliament house and you’re telling me a guitar is crucial evidence?!” “Since the prosecution is not ready, we shall go back to the defence.” “Wait, your honor, wha-” “Mr.Joule…” The judge said, taking a deep breath. “How does your client plead?” “Not guilty.” Mik replied before quickly strumming the electric guitar. “Well, Mr.Joule, you understand the gravity of the charges against your client, correct?” The judge asked “Absolutely, your honor. And I will do everything in my power to make sure that my client is not guilty of the allegations thrown at him.” “Allegations?!” The prosecution attorney shouted, “He bombed a parliament house!” The judge quickly silenced the prosecution with a knock of his hammer before continuing, “The prosecution shall not speak until permitted.” “Your honor, this is absolutely outrageous. The evidence against Mr.Magnum is overwhelming! He was caught in broad daylight, CCTV cameras, witness testimonies, forensic reports, there is nothing that indicates that this man is the least bit innocent of the crimes against him! Your honor, the judge must put an end to this with swift sentencing!” “Your honor, let me just say…” Joel interrupted, “CCTV cameras, witness testimonies, and forensic reports are all evidence that can be manipulated if the party involved ever wishes to do so. As for being caught in broad daylight, I am sure that my client was a simple victim of being at the wrong place at the wrong time.” “He was dressed in BLACK HOODIE carrying a fucking BRIEFCASE into the PARILENT HOUSE where the BOMB WENT OFF!” “Exactly!” Joel interrupted, “Your honor, said clothing could be worn by anyone to conceal their identity, my client being treated like Hitler for simply being around the vicinity at the time of the bombing is outrageous.” “Mhm, very well. Prosecution, what do you have to say?” The judge said, turning to the attorney. Meanwhile, Joel swiftly turned towards Mik, his eyes bloodshot as they pierced into the very existence of Mik, his hands trembling and spasming with rage as he grabbed him by the collar and choked him. “My fucking hoodie?!?” “…I will pay you later, promise.” “Your honor!” The prosecution shouted, “The motherfucker was chased by the police, covered in blood! He was covered in blood from head to toe!” “Objection, it could be the blood of an animal.” “It was the blood of members of the parliament!” “Objection, someone could have simply spilled the blood on him.” “Silence!” The judge silenced with a strike of his hammer, “The court shall not be turned into a shouting match, we shall examine the evidence at hand and the defense may raise doubt if he sees fit. May the prosecution begin.” “Your honor…” The prosecution attorney said before reaching for his briefcase, fetching an incomprehensible amount of folders filled with documents. “This is my discovery. So if this man is innocent I may as well just kill myself.” “And what about your, Mr.Joule, what do you have in your discovery?” The judge asked. "Well…I have the discovery." Joel replied. "I...I have an indictment. It's four pages long." "So, you're telling me that the only thing you have on discovery for a bombing is a four-page indictment?" "Well...that's all I got, sir." Joel replied in a defeated voice. “SEE?!” The prosecution said. “Your honor, may I say something about the evidence against me?” Mik said. “Yes, you may go ahead.” "I cannot confirm nor deny the evidence against me." "Not a valid answer." The judge replied. "It didn't work? Do I have to be a politician for it to work?" Mik wondered in disbelief as he turned to Joel. "Mr. Magnum, what do you have to say for yourself?" "Well, may I freely defend myself, sir?" Mik said. “Yes, you may.” “Noice.” Mik said before he turned towards the amp, adjusting some settings here and there before testing his guitar, giving it a light brush on the chords upon finishing. With a satisfied nod, he stood up from the table, cleared his throat, and began shredding the guitar like his name was Jesus H. Christ. “How b-a-a-a-d can I be? I’m just doing what comes naturally. How b-a-a-a-d can I be? I’m just following my destiny—” Before he could go on about his littele musical, Mik was interrupted by Joel who leaped towards him and covered his mouth, shouting at him to shut his mouth. “What the hell are you doing?!” “I said I’ll make it worthwhile! Don’t you want to enjoy the trial at least?” “By singing a copyrighted song?!” “So?” “I can defend you against the damn government, but not the illumination lawyers! So shut the hell up!” “Alright…party pooper.” “Your honor,” The prosecution interrupted, “Other than the bombing, Mr.Magnum here also infiltrated five houses and killed everyone inside.” “Those are organized crime syndicates!” Joel defended. “He killed like 50 people and you’re telling me it’s okay because it’s the mafia?!” “Self-defense! It’s self-defense!” Joel defended again. “Your honor, you can’t take the defendant or his defence seriously. He’s a lunatic, he was about to perform a musical to defend himself.” “Objection, your honor, as you can see, my client is clearly retar-…I mean, he is clearly insane. I have legal papers that prove he spent time in a mental asylum." "Oh, come on. That was just one time!" Mik interrupted before riffing the guitar. "Mr. Magnum, even if you were to, by some god-given miracle evade all he charges, your criminal record would testify against you itself." The judge then shifted his gaze towards a piece of paper he was holding before he began reading from it. "You were guilty of multiple counts of theft, grand theft auto, assault, tax evasion, illegal possession of firearms, underage drinking, and property damage. You've also been involved in a fight in a local bar after you've been taunted by the bartender for being underage, and engaged in a fistfight against everyone in the bar and...won? You also destroyed an ATM with a hatchet for the reason of 'showing you your low account balance.' You also escaped an adult store with 8,000$ worth of…body pillows?? And you assaulted your landlord after he made a noise complaint du-…due to 'loud moaning in Japanese'?" "Well, I was enjoying myself and minding my own business. Didn't know that was a crime." Mik sarcastically stated. "But beating your landlord isn't?" "Judge, I can tolerate anyone but entitled people." "Right… You were also arrested after engaging in a fistfight with a...crocodile (?) after he ate your wallet, to which you later offered to sell the crocodile to a fast food restaurant in exchange for a full meal, and threw it at the cashier for refusing? And also taunting multiple mafia gangs, and breaking into a federal prison to assault a mafia boss, and his subordinates who threatened the owner of a local store that you liked?" "No need to thank me!" Mik proudly said with a smug smile plastered on his face before shredding the guitar once again. "Your honor, Mr. Magnum had a horrendous childhood. He is clearly insane and suffering from trauma." “Trauma doesn’t make you bomb a fucking parliament!” "Mr.Magnum, what do you have to say about that?" “What’s the plan?” Mik asked, turning towards Joel before playing the opening riff to ‘Voodoo Child’. "The plan? You fucked up in every aspect imaginable, all that I suggest right now is that you try NOT to be a pushover and try NOT to completely deny it. Keep it gray, and keep it vague, and we might get you a light prison sentence. Otherwise, we'll try the insanity plea since you can escape from an asylum faster than a maximum security prison or fucking Guantanamo bay, but let's keep that as our last and MOST desperate measure." Mik nodded in agreement before he stood up. "Guilty." He said before playing the opening riff to Bad to the Bone’. "Your honor, my client is fucked in the head. He would like to plead insanity." Joel interrupted. "No, I don't." Mik denied. "Mr. Magnum, you're saying that you were conscious of your actions?" "Does being drunk still count as conscious?" "Mik!" Joel shouted. "What?" "What?! Do you want to win the case or not?!" "It's alright bro, we can't win the case at all. I had some hope for that, but after he mentioned the body pillows incident, I'm now sure that we're screwed. But relax man, I'm a master at breaking in and out of prisons. " Mik assured his friend. "Wh- NO! I don't want to survive manhunts from country to country, I want to live!" "I don't." He said before playing the first second of the ‘Free Bird’ riff. "Well, that's you! If you want to live as a fugitive, fine with me! Just let us get this over with, and I'll send you to another world myself!" "Alright, whatever you say." "Very well then, I shall give out the sent-" The judge said before being interrupted. "Wait!" Joel shouted. "My honor, your client is guilty! Damn it, I mean! Your client, my honor is guilty! My client, your honor is guilty! Son of a bitch! My guilty, your honor is client! What the hell! Your honor, my client is not guilty! Finally!" "Ok-...Okay? Would you like to prove your claim?" The judge asked. "Sir, I request that you ask my client again to make sure he's clinically insane." "Mr. Magnum, did you commit those crimes?" "I did, and I'm fully accepting any punishment I get. After all, as I used to say, and still do: 'I came into this world screaming while covered in blood, and I'm not afraid to go out in the same way.'" Mik calmly said. "That's a stolen Viking quote. But, from what I see, that's the only thing you're good at." The judge said to Mik, "Mr. Joule, do you have any solid evidence? Or any reasonable evidence of your client's innocence? Or justification?" “I quit, sir.” Joel gave up. "That's understandable when you consider how 'rock-solid' the evidence against your client is, let alone his criminal background and the surreal events of his life. And also, it's 'Your Honor'. It's not 'Yo, judge', it's not 'Sir', it's not 'Steve'. It's 'Your Honor'." The judge said. "Yeah. Your honor...can I go home n-" Joel desperately ‘defended’ Mik. " 'Your Honor'? Gimme a break, Steve. What else do you want me to call you? Your Highness? Your worship? Your majesty? or should I get you a fresh glass of wine, thy holiness?!" "It's a title. And, again, it's Your Hon—" The judge replied. "Yeah, I agree. Judges do have a title, it's called 'Judge'. Like, for God's sake, you don't expect teachers to hit you up with 'It's actually Thy Scholar' whenever you speak to them!" Mik argued before playing the ‘Seven Nation Army’ opening riff. "Silence! I've heard enough, and I shall add three months to your sentence for every misconduct you commit." "Yeah, fuck you." He said before playing ‘Bad to the Bone.’. "6 months." "Eat shit." "One year." "Suck my cock." "5 years." "Blow me." "You truly are the worst defendant I have ever had the displeasure to see." "No u." Mik replied. "15 years." "Hah! He got butthurt-" "Silence! I shall give out the sentence. Mr. Magnum, I find you to be guilty of mass homicide, illegal possession of firearms, disturbing the peace, property damage, bombing, planning and executing a terrorist attack, endangering the lives of innocent bystanders, and multiple counts of every crime under the sun. Thus, you shall be sentenced to 60 years in prison!" The judge announced. “Thank you! Finally!” The prosecution cheered as he stood up, gathered his papers, and made his way towards the exit. “Fuck y’all, I’m going home!” "Finally! I thought this court session was the sentence in itself." Mik criticized as he gave the middle finger to the judge. "As for Mr. Joule…God, you were such a brilliant young man, a prodigy of a lawyer…it's a shame it all had to be wasted. Nonetheless, your belongings will be confiscated, your money will be seized, and you shall be evicted from your apartment. Moreover, you shall also be sentenced to three years in state prison, without parole." "What?! What for?!" Joel retaliated. "Usage of counterfeit bills, and money laundering. Moreover, according to the punishment placed on you, you were to be sentenced to prison if you were to ever practice law again. However, I was willing to make an exception, but you truly betrayed my expectations, Mr.Joule." The judge said. Upon hearing the judge's response, Joel froze for a brief moment before he slowly turned to Mik, his eyes bloodshot as he glared at the latter, who had a simple smile on his face as a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead. "You told me you won it in the lottery!" Joel shouted. "Well...I guess you could say that I won the lottery when I found the mafia's stash of money?" "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!" However, before Joel could unleash his anger, a red dot suddenly popped into view around his heart. The two boys both gazed in confusion at the dot before Mik realized it’s meaning, screaming for Joel to get away. However, before he could do anything, a shot pierced through from the window of the courtroom and shot through Joel’s heart, pushing him back as he collapsed with a heavy thud on the ceramic floor of the court. As he lay on his back, blood poured from him like a fountain, he gazed at Mik before his eyes fixated on the ceiling of the courtroom, his vision growing darkening and blurrier by the second… The few seconds felt like an eternity to Joel as he struggled to breathe, or so he thought. And finally, in his final moment, he gazed at the chaos ensuing around him, shadowy figures dashing left and right, unable to make out their face or shape for his vision was far too blurry and dark to do so, except for the figure right next to him, fixated in the same position, with a hint of red in its eyes presumably. ‘…fuck this world.’ A final thought, before he drifted into peacefulness. Thus, the duo lost the case.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Previous Chapter
Next Chapter